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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends expecting me to look after kids, 6 week holidays.

999 replies

famtastic · 03/07/2017 08:44

I have just found out from another friend, that a couple I'm friendly with who live round the corner told her that I am having their children for them in the summer holidays. It would be 3/4 days a week 6:30am till 10:30am. So in theory we would still have the day after 10:30 to do what we want.

But I have not actually been asked by them! Or had days times mentioned to me. Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok! They didn't elaborate on the favour and I was in the playground taking my kids to school so a bit distracted and didn't ask.

I was looking forward to the summer holidays with my own 2 children ages 3 and 8, lazy mornings and doing what we want, now I feel sick! There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me! And surely they can't get anything else sorted now?! Also my husband works 10/11 hours a day and he leaves at 6:50am he won't want anyone round while he's getting ready for a long day at work! And lastly I don't even know their oldest I've met him once for maximum 1minute, their kids are different ages to my two so I can't see how it's going to work well.

Ahh I don't want to do this but I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 03/07/2017 13:21

If I try and bring it up I think I'll over explain myself etc, but if they are outright cheeky and expectant to my face I think it will annoy me into a no.

This is what I would also do Blush so I respect your thinking, but remember that they are highly likely to put you in a very difficult position.

ginnystonic · 03/07/2017 13:21

The problem with saying 'sorry you didn't specify dates so now I am booked up / have plans / helping a relative etc.' Implies that if this wasn't the case you would still be able to help out, which may leave you in a similar situation next school holiday.

You need to be firm and say no, so they don't see you as their new childcare solution in the future.

Colacolaaddict · 03/07/2017 13:22

Anaditae has it spot on. I do think you need to tackle this directly. You are planning a conversation of you say this, your neighbour says that, you reply xyz... I know that appeals as a non-confrontational approach but it's not assertive enough for the circumstances IF your neighbour is proposing to dump on you in this manner. In reality your neighbour is likely to take the conversation in a different direction and you are going to end up caving.

It is completely reasonable and normal for you to ask exactly what they are expecting of you childcare wise, before you take them (even the 13 year old) into your care. So ask. And then say no if it's more than minimal and occasional.

EmeraldIsle100 · 03/07/2017 13:23

OP I agree with your hubby's approach. Don't give any explanation why you can't do any other days. You don't owe anyone any explanation especially piss takers like them.

Most of all do not make plans to be away so that you can justify your absence.

You have one summer holiday to enjoy with your family. Prioritise your family and don't let anyone push you around. If they ask why say you want to spend the time with your family - end of!

Coldilox · 03/07/2017 13:24

Bloody hell, I only tolerate my own child at 6:30 becaude I'm legally obliged to, no way would I be dealing with anybody else's!

AceholeRimmer · 03/07/2017 13:24

Can't believe the brass balls on some people ShockHow can you just assume and not check and confirm.. Be firm OP, who cares if it causes awkwardness.. it's their fault for being so cheeky. Your anxiety isn't to blame for your shock, you are very right to be shocked.

LionsOnTour · 03/07/2017 13:24

Ohh I've just seen the other posters suggested texts... there are some good suggestions.

Original poster
famtastic · 03/07/2017 13:24

I'm not trying to make it into a drama at all, I just know what they are like. They are not the sort of people to just take no id need an excuse. But it's not like I actually had chance to say no yet lol. But my anxiety does make things bigger that's why I wanted a bigger input on this

OP posts:
kali110 · 03/07/2017 13:24

What happens if they just turn up and dump the kids on you?
Will you be able to turn them down?
Then what happens when she goes around telling people how you completely let them down At the last minute? ( know that is really the truth but that will probably be how they'll spin it)

paganmolloy · 03/07/2017 13:24

From OP "we may NEED an odd favour over the holidays" Really???? Lots of people NEED favours but the only way to get them is to ask politely. That statement alone reeks of 'I'll do what's best for me and to hell with how it impinges on anyone else". You need to really nip this one in the bud. Has she form for this sort of thing?

livefornaps · 03/07/2017 13:24

And don't go dropping hints - they won't take them!!! People like this are deliberately thick-skinned and therefore impenetrable to things that more sensitive souls pick up on really easily.

Tomorrow say to whichever parent - "oh hi - I know we said something about Monday but unfortunately we're not around on that day anymore. Things are quite full on at the moment so I won't be able to have your kids at all this summer"

And then walk away.

Who cares if they guilt trip you?! Just smile blandly and say "I can't"

Why on eartg you feel any obligation at all to these people is beyond me!!!

Fault lies with them, not you. Repeat ad infinitum.

Almostthere15 · 03/07/2017 13:27

Your friend must have their number. I'd text them and say I'm a little worried that 'mutual friend' thinks I'm having your children each morning. I never commitred to that and it just won't be possible. I can do the Monday if it would help you out. It sounds like you need a childminder. The family information service would have details. See you on the school run

And then that's it. Never mention it again. Don't explain or apologise.

DarthMaiden · 03/07/2017 13:27

You just need to think like Phoebe OP Grin

EmeraldIsle100 · 03/07/2017 13:27

Your excuse is that you want to spend the summer holidays with your family. There is no further debate.

Original poster
famtastic · 03/07/2017 13:29

Oh I wish I could but I don't want to lol! Brilliant

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 03/07/2017 13:31

OP, everyone (including me) has said you are not being unreasonable and they are very cheeky. However you have been given so many different ways on how to approach this but you are still going with sticking your head in the sand and hoping it will go away.

If they as as thick skinned as you say, they are going to take no notice of any heavy hints. They will turn up on the Monday and guilt you in to having their children. And they will do this for the whole holidays.

Get a grip and deal with this now. They are not friends, you don't even know their oldest child.

And as some one else said, this could be a huge misunderstanding and they have no intention of using you as free childcare, it could have been a throw away comment to shut someone else up. You'll never know until you deal with it.

elfinpre · 03/07/2017 13:31

So they haven't even asked yet? The friend could have just got crossed wires and they are intending to ask nothing of the sort.

What a fuss over nothing.

Spadequeen · 03/07/2017 13:33

😄 love Phoebe!

sunshineandhail · 03/07/2017 13:33

It's hard to say no if you are a nice person and don't like fall outs with other people. Its also more difficult if that person has the hide of a rhino and more front than Blackpool. I feel your pain OP.

Make a list of all the days and times you think she will be taking the piss. Then make a list of all the things you want to do over the summer including trips to see your family.

Start booking yourself out and buying tickets online. You won't be available no matter what she says or how many times she rocks up on your doorstep.

LionsOnTour · 03/07/2017 13:33

They are not the sort of people to just take no id need an excuse

You DONT need an excuse, you just need to say no and mean it. There is a reason that they are targeting you and not other people like me who would have no trouble st all saying no. I would be polite but I'd still be saying no. If you give 'excuses' you are giving them the impression that you actually want to help them but are unfortunately unable to. This makes them think their request is reasonable and encourages them to helpfully look for ways to work around your excuse.

If you give a simple, honest and wholehearted NO then they will be more likely to leave you alone.

Vereesa · 03/07/2017 13:33

Then I can dismiss it as they brought it up? If I try and bring it up I think il over explain myself etc, but if they are outright cheeky and expectant to my face I think it will annoy me into a no.

Not trying to be mean here but no matter who brings it up they can still moan about being stuck. I don't know them personally obviously so I have no clue how they'd act in any given situation.

However, I think you have to be prepared for them coming to you in the last minute with the desperation act instead of outright cheek/expectancy. What if they tell you that they really have no one else to turn to and that you're the only one who can help them? Will you cave?

Mix56 · 03/07/2017 13:35

surely if you fear being beaten into submission, you put a note through their door/sms

Dear neighbour
X friend said in passing that I was minding your 2 kids over the summer holiday. I was alarmed to hear this. as there has been absolutely no agreement made to this end. It is not possible.
So I wanted to be sure you have not assumed I would be available
Cheers
Fam

RaspberryOverloadsOnIcepops · 03/07/2017 13:35

They are not the sort of people to just take no id need an excuse.

I would never offer an excuse, even to users like this. They will just try to counter any objections you come up with.

I've only once had this kind of thing. Lucky for me, it was after reading a similar thread on here, so I simply kept saying "No, I won't be able to help". No apology, no excuse.

mum11970 · 03/07/2017 13:36

Under no circumstances leave this until they turn up on the Monday at 6.30 with kids in tow. If you haven't got their number get it off your friend who is more friendly with them than you. This gives them plenty of time to try it on with someone else and you can just ignore any guilt tripping by phone. If you suffer from anxiety it's going to be a heck of a lot harder to refuse when they are standing on your doorstep, which is probably exactly what they are relying on and they will also more than likely tell everyone you let them down last minute if you do actually remain firm.

EmeraldIsle100 · 03/07/2017 13:37

*Lions' spot on!!!!

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