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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends expecting me to look after kids, 6 week holidays.

999 replies

famtastic · 03/07/2017 08:44

I have just found out from another friend, that a couple I'm friendly with who live round the corner told her that I am having their children for them in the summer holidays. It would be 3/4 days a week 6:30am till 10:30am. So in theory we would still have the day after 10:30 to do what we want.

But I have not actually been asked by them! Or had days times mentioned to me. Literally all that was said to me back in may was "we may need the odd favour in the holidays" and I just said oh ok! They didn't elaborate on the favour and I was in the playground taking my kids to school so a bit distracted and didn't ask.

I was looking forward to the summer holidays with my own 2 children ages 3 and 8, lazy mornings and doing what we want, now I feel sick! There is only 2 weeks left and they still haven't mentioned it to me! And surely they can't get anything else sorted now?! Also my husband works 10/11 hours a day and he leaves at 6:50am he won't want anyone round while he's getting ready for a long day at work! And lastly I don't even know their oldest I've met him once for maximum 1minute, their kids are different ages to my two so I can't see how it's going to work well.

Ahh I don't want to do this but I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 03/07/2017 12:34

Oh and OP, don't leave it because you hope it'll sort it'self out - it won't. They'll turn up on the first Monday at an ungodly hour (probably only confirming that it's 6:30am they need to drop off a day or two before) then say they have no care for the Tuesday. You will be put on the spot because they need help, it's too late notice to sort out care etc.

Do it today then a) you know they've got a couple of weeks to sort it out, and b) as an anxity sufferer, you won't have to have 2 weeks of stress, then on Monday 24th be stressed about when they are going to dump it on you that they need you to have the DCs the next day.

You need to put your own mental health first, get their number now and send the "no can do" text. (Don't let it slip that you know they planned on forcing you to do childcare for the full 6 weeks, they have only requested care on 1 day, you can't do that 1 day, the matter is therefore closed.)

flumpybear · 03/07/2017 12:34

You definitely need to say something asap.
Just say 'I'm sure x got this wrong but she thinks your children are Coming to me all holidays - just checking what this is about and let them take the conversation from there - have it in your head that you can do XYZ but don't faulted ...... be brave and don't back down - 630am in holidays is ridiculous!!

MrsHathaway · 03/07/2017 12:35

It might help you to arrange something for the Tuesday that you couldn't possibly take their children to, so that when they wheedle and whine and say they're DESPERATE you can't in all conscience give in.

"You'll work it out." Big smile. Close door.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/07/2017 12:36

Get in touch NOW and tell them you won't be available in the early mornings and the most you'll be doing is play dates.

They're clearly complete pisstskers and have decided in advance that the best way to manipulate you is to drop it on you hoping you'll feel too bad to say no.

Your friend's experience confirms this!

Whatever you agree to, they'll push for more and take the piss so shut it down now I'd say!!

CiderwithBuda · 03/07/2017 12:36

Also if your friend is trying to get out of doing next term you will be the fall back if you do too much over the summer.

Or.... be clever and say you are thinking of setting up as a childminder and your rates are £x per hour. You won't see them for dust!

SaucyJack · 03/07/2017 12:43

I don't think you should get their number and then send them a text message.

They'll then have your number. They don't sound like the sort of people you want being able to get hold of you whenever you like.

If you do decide to go down the route of contacting them first to let them know you won't be giving them free childcare (I wouldn't bother meself- fuck 'em), then put a note through the door and run away.

Don't get into a discussion with them about it via any method of communication. It isn't happening. End of. There is nothing you need to discuss with them regarding their plans for holiday childcare.

elevenclips · 03/07/2017 12:46

OP I have been the victim of this sort of pisstaking when my kids were smaller. Like you, I have anxiety and didn't like awkwardness. I am also a SAHM due to my eldest having autism. They are likely to be choosing you because of these qualities - you make the perfect victim.

I can promise you that the thought of awkwardness is worse than the actual awkwardness. Think how lovely it would be if they never asked you any more favours because they didn't speak to you! You don't need to be rude, you just need to say no, it doesn't work for me. Like people have said, practise saying no.

The woman who decided I was her free childcare carried on taking the piss with others more and more. There were no limits. Finally one bolshy woman actually shouted at the pisstaker for taking the piss out of others. Pisstaker changed social circles to get more victims. They won't stop ever. Nip this in the bud. Don't even do one small favour, it will come back to bite you with a person like this involved.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 03/07/2017 12:46

Holy moly. They are a piece of work!

Agree with pp. before holidays corner them for a - so what time till what time on Monday do you need me then - conversation. Then there can be no doubt. you're returning that favour. Nothing else is owed. And no free childcare for the bloody holidays.

Stay strong!

MarthasHarbour · 03/07/2017 12:47

Get in touch and tell them, because they will just turn up at the door every day they expect you to look after their kids. They wont care - they will just turn up.

I suffer from anxiety too, so i understand, but to get this out of your mind you need to firmly tell them you are not available.

elevenclips · 03/07/2017 12:47

Just to add I wouldn't communicate in advance. Don't open a dialogue.

elevenclips · 03/07/2017 12:48

And be sure to refuse the first favour. That is the critical one everything else will be based on. If you do the first favour, they win, you are easy prey. Trust me, I did the favour!

Niiknoc · 03/07/2017 12:49

Stop this now or it will escalate. Trust me on this. People like that will chip, chip, chip away and will expect more and more as time goes on.

I have anxiety so I really feel for you, it's horrible and some situations (like this one) can seem minor and easily sorted by just saying no by most people, but for anxiety sufferers it can be ten folds harder.

Do whatever it takes, make an excuse, use a distraction, don't answer the door. Whatever. You didn't agree to any of the 6.30am start and therefore don't owe them anything.

My SIL did similar, it started off with the 'odd' pick-up and drop off of her DC for school.....and soon it was text messages on a Sunday night saying "I need Monday morning drop off, Tuesday pick up, Wednesday drop off and pick up and Thursday drop off. Thanks!"......followed by loads of kisses and smiley faces.

Honestly, stop it now before you feel trapped.

Original poster
famtastic · 03/07/2017 12:50

I see them every day when we collect the kids at 3, and it's never been mentioned again. My husband said it's a massive piss take and surely if you was expecting that from someone you would confirm it and double check again and again. He said don't say anything until they ask me now as it will come across to them that their situation is important in my life. So think il just be shocked when they do bring it up, and say I don't remember arranging anything other than the one day you asked? Sorry I'm booked up now. I am going away a week in August and me and the kids are planning to go stay with family etc so if they had asked they would no this. Il make definite arrangements to visit family now Grin

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 03/07/2017 12:52

I al Shock at this. As pp said I would nip this in the bud today by sending a polite text. If you want to be really nice suggest 2 days (total, not per week!) where you can help her out (you might need her to help you out one day after all), but if you don't feel you can offer that then don't.

MissEliza · 03/07/2017 12:52

If it were me I'd just leave it and see what happened. However you seem quite anxious about it so I would preempt the situation and tell them you just can't commit to this.

Vereesa · 03/07/2017 12:53

I'd still be wary about them showing up on Monday unannounced though. That's by far the easiest way to strong arm someone into agreeing.

rollonthesummer · 03/07/2017 12:54

I would get in contact now-today-telling them you are sorry but you now can't do the first Monday of the holidays and due to unforeseen circumstances won't be able to have their children in the holidays at all.

The unforeseen circumstances being that you hadn't realised they were total arses.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 03/07/2017 12:55

Let the mutual friend know that nothing has been agreed. That the husband mentioned a bit of childcare and you assumed that he meant one or two play dates over the entire holidays. You can't offer any more

MarthasHarbour · 03/07/2017 12:56

I'm with vereesa they will just turn up if you dont say anything.

rollonthesummer · 03/07/2017 12:56

He said don't say anything until they ask me now

That would be good advice if you hadn't said you suffered from anxiety!

WeAllHaveWings · 03/07/2017 12:57

Id get the number now and text so there are no misunderstandings and also so they have as much time as possible to make alternative arrangements.

A quick "Hey, X has just told me you think I'm child minding your dc all this summer , news to me! Your dh mentioned in passing, way back you "might" need some help on the first Monday, but as neither of you have come back to me I've already made arrangements for that week. xx"

DAMNgina · 03/07/2017 12:57

Ok, so you've have a plan...

Just don't answer the door on Monday - or tell your husband to do it and get him to tell them what for...

SoupDragon · 03/07/2017 12:58

I think that not nipping this in the bud right now is the wrong thing to do. It would take someone really hard to turn them away if they turn up on a morning - I couldn't and it really doesn't sound as if the OP could either.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 03/07/2017 12:58

Or approach the couple and ask them which one day during the holidays they need childcare for and you'll need to check to see if that day is free before you agree to it

rollonthesummer · 03/07/2017 13:00

A quick "Hey, X has just told me you think I'm child minding your dc all this summer , news to me! Your dh mentioned in passing, way back you "might" need some help on the first Monday, but as neither of you have come back to me I've already made arrangements for that week. xx"

Perfect-I would do this.

If you do nothing-I think this problem will massively escalate-is that what you want?!

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