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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not something I am proud of but would like truths from other mums...

163 replies

yourcarisnotadiscovery · 02/07/2017 18:57

I have been a single mum for 3 years and have a DS6. We have a very good relationship but sometimes, he doesn't do as he is told. He knows that 3rd time is when I will get cross and he knows I am never cross for long; (I let him know "the crossness is going" etc) then we have a chat about what happened. I warn as we get to 1st and 2nd warnings but sometimes by the 3rd, I have been known to say "for f**ks sake, I have asked you to stop"... not proud parenting moment. Has anyone else done this? I then apologise for swearing. feel bad. I have never just shouted or ever ever lashed out physically.

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 02/07/2017 19:21

I don't swear in general (as in when I talk I don't swear) but I do shout at DD1 who is the same age. My parenting fail was losing my temper with her after asking her 4 times to put her shoes on. I grabbed the long shoe horn and started poking her with it. As awful as it was for me to do this she was so painfully slow and I was being made late for work again. I couldn't be made late again. However it did result in her getting her shoes on first time for the rest of the school year.

Original poster
yourcarisnotadiscovery · 02/07/2017 19:22

loving a "fox ache"!!!

OP posts:
Whosthemummynow · 02/07/2017 19:24

I have been known to tell my son to fuck off Blush

These things happen OP

morningconstitutional2017 · 02/07/2017 19:25

I would try to substitute 'for Heaven's/goodness sake' for the sake of not swearing and maybe 'jolly well' whatever. If you get into the habit it makes it easier.

squishysquirmy · 02/07/2017 19:27

Thanks yourcar.
Its not always silent, if I'm honest!
To be fair, if anyone in the world other than dd kept waking me up like that muttering would be the least of their problems.... Grin
I agree with pps who said that although it is embarrassing to have your child repeat "for fucks sake" in public, and not at all funny, oh no. I have never had to turn my face away when a friend's sweet butter-wouldn't-melt toddler has uttered a swear word it is not even in the same league as "you effing brat", etc which I would consider to be quite nasty.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 02/07/2017 19:30

I never used to swear in front of my children

At least, that's what I thought ...

Like Buckeejit I can get a bit sweary in the car but hadn't realised quite how sweary until one day someone cut us up and my 6 year old shouted "wanker!" at them because "that's what you say when they do it Mum" Blush

We're only human after all

ARumWithAView · 02/07/2017 19:30

I'd rather use the word 'fuck' than 'chavvy'.

Absofuckinglutely.

Swearing is obviously not ideal; I think one of the worst aspects is if gets normalised, and they use the words themselves at school or in another kid's house and get reprimanded (and/or you are mortified).

But I'd take the occasional swear, especially if it's just a muttered aside, over relentless shouting, personal abuse ('you're so STUPID, what's wrong with you?"), or a really venemous tone. And people will say 'well, OF COURSE I'd never do any of those', but a couple of hours in a shopping centre on Saturday will usually provide ample examples, so they're not that rare.

Threats are also horrible, even if they're completely empty. I still remember a thread on MN where one person said she told her kids they'd be sent to the children's home if they didn't behave. There are so many forms of verbal reprimand that are worse than a swear.

papayasareyum · 02/07/2017 19:30

Yes, I've sworn at the kids before..I reckon about 99% of parents do.

Jupitar · 02/07/2017 19:32

You've explained exactly how I brought my kids up, 2 warnings and then they're in trouble, unfortunately on the third I may totally lose my shit and swear, the good thing about this is the kids know that once Mum swears they really need to stop whatever is annoying me. I also always apologise after whilst also explaining why I lost my temper and swore. Kids are now 15 and 12 and they're fine, I can't remember the last time I swore at them so it obviously works

squishysquirmy · 02/07/2017 19:32

want2bSupermum Oh my goodness! They can be sooo slooooooowwww sometimes! You have reminded me of another parenting fail of mine, which is miming a "boot up the ass" when dd is walking verrrryy slowly in front of me through a narrow corridor or something. It sounds worse than it is - its done in a fake, slow comedy way and I would never, ever actually kick her or anything, but I have had to exercise a bit of self control because I nearly forgot and did it in public the other day. Which could look really bad to someone watching. Blush

sobeyondthehills · 02/07/2017 19:32

I didn't think I swore that much till one day in in the car, DS yells use your fucking indicators.

I don't think I have ever sworn at him, although sometimes I have muttered under my breath on for fuck sake at the end of a long day. I try and use other words as much as possible round him.

Although things like getting ready for school and after the 100th time of saying get your shoes on I am swearing like a trooper in my head

Mrsglitterfairy · 02/07/2017 19:33

Don't beat yourself up about it OP. I have on occasion sworn at DS9. Usually for fucks sake or you're taking the piss. He drives me to the brink of despair and it just comes out. I always apologise and it's very rare that it happens. As you say, you have a great relationship with each other and he just pushes you too far sometimes.

Original poster
yourcarisnotadiscovery · 02/07/2017 19:33

music hah! hilarious! oops - this is the problem, and something I am rather worried about, although I have said that he should never repeat it. need to try to set better modelling example however. And yes we are only human and prob loads of us do this more than we realise.

OP posts:
Urubu · 02/07/2017 19:37

I don't swear but I shout way too much

IloveBanff · 02/07/2017 19:40

"Shock horror mums (and dads too) are human people"

Oi! Who are you calling human? Speak for yourself. Angry

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/07/2017 19:46

I dislike swearing and wouldn't do it in front of a child, I'd not like someone to talk to me like that so wouldn't do it to someone else.

Children who regularly hear swear tend to copy very early on as they think it's the normal way to speak.

ThePinkOcelot · 02/07/2017 19:47

A couple of years ago, dds were bickering on and on Anne were really doing my head in. I just turned around and said "just shut the fuck up". Not my proudest moment, but the look of shock in their faces was priceless! They did shut up too! They were 14 and 11 at the time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/07/2017 19:49

I refer to what other posters have described as 'Mummy's driving language'. I AM working on it. DD gets to tell me off and says things like, "Mummy, please remember to be kind". And I say, "you're right DD. You make me a better person. Sorry for that".

It teaches them apologizing, being wrong and making things better, that they have a voice to try to make things better and that the authority figure isn't always perfect. All good lessons. I don't need to call another driver an arse to achieve that goal admittedly.

DD started coming home about a year ago and saying she was stupid. I was able to say with total confidence that she had never heard that from me; not once. If she'd said, "shit" at school I would have had far less confidence it wasn't from us.

There are dreadful words, but they aren't all or mostly, swear words.

BuzzKillington · 02/07/2017 19:50

Well, it's a but rubbish tbh. Pretty sure you could rein yourself in.

BuzzKillington · 02/07/2017 19:50

*bit

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 02/07/2017 19:54

I didn't think I swore that much till one day in in the car, DS yells use your fucking indicators.

There's something about cars that does it I think. We do 'invisible swearing' (a bit like the 'invisible' nose picking some blokes do at traffic lights). We just don't realise we're doing it until it's too late and we're caught out Blush

Just remembered another one, though I blame this on 50 Cent not me.

I'd bought a load CD's for the car but hadn't got round to listening to them (dance music plus some rap compilations). Same son - then aged 8 - borrowed a few for his portable CD player (showing my age now) and had his headphones in. He was always good at picking up lyrics pretty fast and could sing a whole song after a couple of times listening to it.

I was happily chatting away to my Mum when we heard his dulcet tones singing "cos I'm a motherfucking P.I.M.P" Shock I hadn't realised they weren't the radio edits Sad

CD promptly confiscated and all others gone through with a fine toothcomb before being played in front of him!

StayAChild · 02/07/2017 19:57

Working in school for years, the problem starts when a child comes out with those words in class, genuinely not realising they are really bad words. They are so upset when reprimanded and will often say Mummy/Daddy says it Grin. For that reason alone I would try to avoid it, but I understand the frustration.

SemiNormal · 02/07/2017 19:59

Saying immediately 'I shouldn't have said that, it's a bad word, I'm sorry' etc at least shows a good example of admitting being wrong - but why is swearing wrong? I don't get why you apologise for swearing ... unless it's directed at them as opposed to just used in front of them?

I swear in front of my 6 year old. I didn't for the first 4 or 5 years and then he picked it up in school anyway. Now I do swear in front of him, it's not something I do every other sentence but probably at least once a day I can be heard saying 'fuck ...' 'fuck sake' ... 'bollocks' ... etc he knows I am allowed to say it and he's not and he's fine with it.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/07/2017 20:02

I was a single mum for 5 years, beginning when DS1 was 6, and it's really unbelievably hard. So I would never judge you for using swear words. It's really so hard. Have a huge hug from me.

nutbrownhare15 · 02/07/2017 20:03

Ahaparenting.com has some great articles on dealing with anger. We all get mad sometimes, it is a good idea to try to reduce this as much as you can and reflect on why you get angry, which you are clearly doing.

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