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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this wedding invitation a bit insulting

276 replies

user1498921160 · 02/07/2017 15:49

I've been invited to a friend's wedding. The invitation states I've been invited to the marriage ceremony at 2pm and to the evening celebration at 8pm.

Another friend has also received an invitation which is the standard one to the marriage ceremony 'followed by a reception at.......'.

The wedding is twenty miles from where we live so obviously we're expected to kick our heels for the five hours or so between the end of the ceremony and the start of the evening celebration.

AIBU to find this a bit insulting?

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 04/07/2017 07:23

But what does "des" mean baahhumbug.

We had that too from one of DH's cousins. MIL who lives 250 miles away and was recently widowed invited to whole do and us to the evening do. FIL had died 11 months previously and the wedding was in the church MIL and DIL were married in.

We were invited to the reception - a tails venue but told the breakfast was too expensive for everyone but invited to the evening do. Wedding at 1pm I think. Evening do from 7.30pm.

It felt very very rude. DH accompanied his mother to the ceremony (no offer was made from her brother to take care of her), took her to the reception, went to his office to change and do some work and then collected her from the other side of London from the evening do at 10pm because she wanted to go.

Not a nice way to treat a recently widowed elderly lady by the bride.

NowtAbout · 04/07/2017 07:30

I have never understood how it can be deemed more insulting to not be invited at all, than to be invited to a part of the wedding.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 04/07/2017 07:34

I'd be insulted too but I hate evening invites. It just says they want the extra gifts from people who they deem not good enough to be invited to the full day.

chickenkiev · 04/07/2017 07:42

I like the idea of going to the ceremony even if you're not invited to the reception but I'd be interested to understand how it works.
Do the guests mill around in the church yard having photos taken and throwing confetti then instead of driving or walking to the reception just go home? If you were chatting to other guests who were going on wouldn't it be a bit uncomfortable? Maybe it's the norm nowadays.

morningconstitutional2017 · 04/07/2017 08:32

There's always a bit of a lull during a wedding between the ceremony and the rest of the celebrations but this is something else. In your shoes I'd forget the ceremony and go to the evening do if it was my cup of tea.

If not I'd politely decline with a polite excuse.

user1494187262 · 04/07/2017 08:40

We went to the service and then went into town with other friends (only family invited to reception) and got pissed and had a lovely relaxed catch up overnight a leisurely lunch before returning in the evening

user1494187262 · 04/07/2017 08:41

overnight = over

iMogster · 04/07/2017 09:18

I had an invite like this! It was in Manchester 200 miles from home. I went to ceremony, then had a nice lunch in town just me and DH and relaxed in hotel, then went to evening party.
The main difference was that my friend talked to me about the invite before I received it and explained they were short of cash and only immediate family were at the reception meal. So I felt fine about that and had a lovely day.

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/07/2017 10:11

Ohtheroses Des = Designated driver.as a taxi from this remote venue would've been around thirty quid and the hotel was about 200 pounds per night. Just for curiosity l get what you're saying about rude to Dmil but do you not also think it was rude towards yourselves too. Think it's off to invite one close relative who doesn't drive to the whole thing but not invite another close relative who you expect to ferry the former backwards and forwards.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 10:16

There's a big difference between inviting the gang from work or all of your 20 first cousins to come along to the evening party if they're free ; and selecting certain guests from the ceremony to come back to the hotel for the drinks reception and wedding breakfast, while others are told they're not included and can only join back in later on that evening.

I'm surprised people can't see that. It really is a very rude way to go about things. Fine if you can find a subtle way of letting them know when and where the ceremony is taking place in case they might like to be there; but explicitly dividing up the invitation into the beginning and end of the day but excluding the middle part is just crass.

But so much about weddings is crass nowadays, and so many B&Gs seem to have the idea that they're 'honouring' guests by inviting them and said guests should to to any lengths and put up with any crap that's thrown at them,

OhTheRoses · 04/07/2017 10:28

We thought it was extremely rude bahhhhumbug. That's why either DH or I attended the evening do. DH was too polite to call the bride's father to ask what arrangements the family were making for recently bereaved MIL who actually was very cross when she got to the breakfast to find it was for 75 and that family had been squeezed put for work-mates.

This was a posh do London church with right to marry due to family connections, naice hotel, and an evening party. Why not just scrap the evening party and have a bigger breakfast? Expectation that family excluded would turn up in tails and hats for photos then get lost for the afternoon.

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/07/2017 10:28

Monster l agree and have no problem with ' only' being invited to the night do in fact it's my favourite bit My only problem was being expected to chauffeur someone invited to the ceremony / reception/ meal . drive them home then drive back yourself and home again for the night do.
Ohtheroses my Dbil ( brides father) also wouldn't take any responsibility for DMIL/ his DM. He said he couldn't drive her there ( we all live very close) as he had a car full and even asked if l could accompany DH in case she had any incontinence issues so l could help her out ( she does sometimes get 'caught short' ) lm afraid if it were my family ld have been declining unless l too could attend the daytime part.

Emma71992 · 04/07/2017 10:29

Planning a wedding currently myself I know how difficult it can be trying to include as many people as you would like to. I think all that's happened here is that the unfortunately reception venue is quite small and can only fit/afford closest family etc. You have been invited to the evening but your friend has suggested that if you want to see them actually get married (which really is the most important part) then you're welcome to. I'm getting married in the same place as the reception so unfortunately am not allowed extra people to the ceremony but I have had family friends ask if they can come as many people are just happy to see the actual wedding. I don't think they are trying to be rude, it's an evening invite with an added extra if you're available to go.

OhTheRoses · 04/07/2017 10:33

Oh and this bride attended our wedding, our children's christenings, DH was close to her father, etc. Everyone who came to our own wedding was invited to our silver wedding last year. We invited her brother and family. Not her. Her .other said "such a shame you didn't go to d's wedding". I have a tinkly laugh and said "I don't remember making the guest list" and arranged for her to be topped up.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 10:35

If you can only afford a reception room that fits 80, 100 whatever people then that's all you can afford to invite. If everyone took this line, there wouldn't be all this desperation to invite the second cousin you hardly know, and the colleagues from work you never socialise with out of embarrassment because they invited you to their wedding.

I realise sometimes brides and grooms can be put in awkward positions but inviting some guests to the ceremony and full reception, and others to the ceremony with an invite to come back later on when the meal is over just doesn't look good.

I think it would be better to just put the word out that you are having a small wedding due to budget and space constraints. Most people will understand, and a lot of people will be relieved not to have to attend.

rightwhine · 04/07/2017 10:38

It should have been an evening invite with
"Please feel free to come along to the ceremony if you would like to"

Then there is no obligation or expectation.

Bluebell9 · 04/07/2017 10:49

I've had this before and found it strange. Mine was a family wedding for which we had to travel on a ferry plus 300 miles to get to. Half the family were invited all day, others to just the ceremony then the evening reception. It turns out we got the best deal as the food at the afternoon reception was awful and everyone was bored, whereas we went for a lovely meal and had a great afternoon before heading to the evening reception!

Minaktinga · 04/07/2017 11:18

I don't think it's rude. They want you at the ceremony, which is surely the important bit? I would probably go to the ceremony and if there's really nothing to do during the day, decline the evening invite politely.

roundtable · 04/07/2017 11:24

I've only known one person in real life to be insulted by an evening invite to a wedding.

She was the most spoiled and selfish person I've ever met too. We don't keep in touch anymore now thankfully as she's not the wife of a friend anymore.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 12:14

But this thread isn't about evening invitations roundtable. It's about expecting people to travel to your wedding ceremony, amuse themselves for hours while. you and selected guests enjoy the wedding breakfast, and then trot over to the hotel for the evening part once the meal is over.

I can't see anything spoiled or selfish about finding that a bit insulting.

roundtable · 04/07/2017 12:19

It's not expecting people to do that.

It's an invitation, you decline if it's too much hassle/cost.

I've turned down evening invites before because it was too far away. Especially on a Sunday during term time. I've never felt insulted by the invite. Because I don't think the world revolves around me.

HipsterHunter · 04/07/2017 12:22

There's a big difference between inviting the gang from work or all of your 20 first cousins to come along to the evening party if they're free ; and selecting certain guests from the ceremony to come back to the hotel for the drinks reception and wedding breakfast, while others are told they're not included and can only join back in later on that evening.

Exactly.

It creates a 2 Tier set up of guests, those you like and are paying for lunch and those you can't be fucked to pay for lunch but you DO want them to have bums on seats to make your wedding look nice and full.

It is rude.

If you are short on cash, bu want a big wedding then have a later wedding at like 4.30pm and then have a big hog roast or similar.

It is so fucking rude to put an 'option' on the whole day but only invite someone to the start and finish.

rightwhine · 04/07/2017 12:23

It should have been an evening invite with
"Please feel free to come along to the ceremony if you would like to"

Or
"We would love it if you could make the ceremony as well"

HiJenny35 · 04/07/2017 12:36

I'm surprised that people haven't known of this, it's really a normal situation (and no I haven't done it-don't believe in marriage).
It's simply an evening invitation, but with a church wedding the service is usually open to all so you've been invited to that and the evening. Either don't go in the morning or go and have a nice lunch together inbetween, I'm not sure what the issue is or how it's insulting. I'd be happy that they wanted me there rather than worrying about what I was missing.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 13:05

I agree rightwhine. That would be the polite way to do it.

Formally inviting people to the ceremony and to the afters, with a big gap in between where you and chosen guests will be having the wedding breakfast is gauche.