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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this wedding invitation a bit insulting

276 replies

user1498921160 · 02/07/2017 15:49

I've been invited to a friend's wedding. The invitation states I've been invited to the marriage ceremony at 2pm and to the evening celebration at 8pm.

Another friend has also received an invitation which is the standard one to the marriage ceremony 'followed by a reception at.......'.

The wedding is twenty miles from where we live so obviously we're expected to kick our heels for the five hours or so between the end of the ceremony and the start of the evening celebration.

AIBU to find this a bit insulting?

OP posts:
SureJan · 04/07/2017 17:38

User, we didn't do this for our wedding as we didn't get married in church. If we had have got married in church though I would have invited everyone to come along to the ceremony, should they wish to, & wouldn't have expected to be bitched about by my so-called friends for just trying to be nice & include as many people as possible in the most important bit of the day (us getting wed). If attending the ceremony part didn't suit people & they didn't come to that bit then that wouldn't have offended or insulted me, same as I wouldn't have thought me simply asking if they'd like to be at church would have offended or insulted them!
At our wedding we did have 'day' guests & 'evening' guests, though - how very dare we. Day guests were family/our closest friends & the number was capped at how many guests our venue could hold.
Evening guests weren't invited just for extra presents, they were people we wanted to celebrate with & who we hoped wanted to celebrate with us.
It just irks me that people find fault with literally everything these days, even nice things like weddings! I'm not, & wasn't, the type to be all 'me me me' on our wedding day, but it seems you can't come across as being anything else these days, whatever you do.
I'd be so gutted to think that the way we hosted our wedding could be misconstrued by our nearest & dearest as us being greedy, grabby, offensive, insulting, selfish, crass, gauche, & all the other crap spouted on MN.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 17:46

But a lot of weddings are like that nowadays SureJan. They usen't to be but there are more and more new 'traditions' building up which put guests to huge expense and inconvenience and anyone who dares to question or criticise this behaviour is accused of being 'easily offended' 'bitchy' 'grumpy' etc etc

Many many posters, including me, have said we see no issue with inviting guests to the evening part of your wedding and subtly letting them know where the ceremony is taking place in the event that they want to attend both. Which is unlikely really unless they live close to where the event is taking place.

Yes, the ceremony is the most important part of the day, but that doesn't mean guests are willing to hang around some town an hours drive from where they live, kicking their heels between the ceremony and the evening affair. So don't imply, in a formal invitation, that you expect that of them.

Jojofjo44 · 04/07/2017 17:52

Surejan 👏👏👏👏
You are on my wavelength. We seem to go against the grain of the average mumsnetter. To me, if you are invited in any way be it to the ceremony, breakfast, or evening do, it means that the couple would like to - shock horror - have you celebrate their happy day and spend - double shock horror - time with you.
I agree that if you think negatively about such invitations then you aren't really friends with them to begin with. I'd be happy with any invitation I received and would attend if possible, and send a gift if it wasn't.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 17:58

You can like somebody and still dislike the way they've organised their wedding or the expectations they have placed on you.

Things aren't as black and white as you seem to think Jojo

Sometimes you separate the person from the deed. I have often swallowed rude or thoughtless behaviour from friends because that can be part of real friendship. Knowing when to separate the person from the deed. Not always being happy and delighted about everything they do.

SureJan · 04/07/2017 18:01

But then surely you just don't attend the ceremony bit, you just go to the evening do (or vice versa) if it doesn't suit you to attend both parts? I can understand that it might not be convenient to travel back & forth etc, so you don't have to go, but you don't have to be mean about it either.
IMO it doesn't need to be taken as some massive insulting snub from the bride & groom, because surely that isn't the case - they're trying to invite you to as much of the day as possible. It seems such a shame to assume they are being insulting when surely they're not, they're your friends/family who wouldn't have invited you at all if they wanted to insult you.
Maybe the invitations are worded badly, but it can't be hard to work out that you're not obliged to go to church, then go away, then come back, if you don't want to.

Adnerb95 · 04/07/2017 18:06

As for traffic congestion meaning it's a 40 minute drive, I still don't see that as a big deal. If it was an hour or more, I would probably find something interesting to do in the general vicinity. If people see a bit of inconvenience as too much on someone's big day as too much bother, I would suggest they're not that close to the bride and groom.

Oh, and here's a thought - it's an INVITATION, not a COMMAND, so you can just rsvp with a polite No, can't attend, sorry ...

Why all the drama?

OhTheRoses · 04/07/2017 18:10

If I attended the ceremony in cropped jeans and a nice blouse, would that offend the bride though because That's what I'd wear into London for an afternoon killing time and a casual restaurant meal. Or, would the bride prefer me in a nice dress, smart jacket, good shoes and matching handbag?

woodhill · 04/07/2017 18:56

Yes, exactly Sure Jan.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/07/2017 19:22

And, of course, you understand that pressure on numbers mean that you cannot necessarily be there for the whole day! Some people are just so bloody entitled.

I think, what you're missing, is that those of us who think it's rude would never do this ourselves - so it's not about being 'entitled'.

I don't understand any such thing about pressures on numbers.

All our guests were invited the whole shebang - wedding, reception and evening part of the event. We wouldn't have done it any other way. Coming from a county where this is the norm, I find the separating out of guests quite cringe-y. Would just never do it.

I think the expectation that all guests are invited to the entire day is a recent one

No, I think segregating guests by day and evening is the recent phenomenon?!

Traditionally, the expectation would always have been to be invited to the whole event.

Zoeey · 04/07/2017 19:31

I would be peeved to be honest.
I would feel like where there at the ceremony just for the numbers and photos.

Why did they just invite the guests going to the ceremony and reception and then the evening invites like the norm?

It's a bit insulting and if money's the issue then the above should have been applied

Jojofjo44 · 04/07/2017 19:33

Perhaps I've been lucky with my friends then User as I've never experienced that and wouldn't put up with it, I'd speak up.
And most of my friends and family live close, so travel wouldn't be an issue. I do have friends in London (I'm in the Midlands) and if invited I would book a hotel for my stay close to the venue, as they did for ours - granted they were day guests. If I received an evening invitation I would attend the ceremony and then either go for a meal in my finery or go back to the hotel.

SureJan · 04/07/2017 20:08

OhTheRoses, I know I can't speak for all brides, but I personally wouldn't mind/care what anyone wore to the wedding, I'd just be chuffed they were there. Dictating what guests should/shouldn't wear is when I agree that the bride & groom are being a bit OTT & selfish.
If the outfit issue was to be your reason for not attending the ceremony then fine, you're still not obliged to put yourself out if you don't want to, you can decline that part of the invite.

woodhill · 04/07/2017 21:20

Dowager are your guests all expected to donate cash as gifts?

Whileweareonthesubject · 04/07/2017 22:07

When we married, over 35 years ago, it was considered quite not me to have a separate list of evening guests. In our case, this consisted of workmates, people we knew through hobbies and some parents of friends who we'd known for a long time. All day guests were family and close friends. We made it clear that everybody was welcome at the church, but we certainly did not invite people to travel 20 miles to be at the ceremony then bugger off for a few hours until the evening reception. I think that's the problem here. The invitation is specifically for the ceremony and the evening. It's not a 'come to the ceremony if you want and if you're nearby', it's a proper formal invitation. Imo, that's rude.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/07/2017 07:42

Dowager are your guests all expected to donate cash as gifts?

No, why would you think that?

We didn't have a gift list, and in fact, expressly said no gifts.

We had a number of people travel a v long distance, so paid for their accomodation, and also had an open bar. We're not loaded - in case it sounds like that - but we wanted to take care of people, and we definitely didn't want anyone missing out, or putting their hands in the pockets.

user1494187262 · 05/07/2017 08:05

It's only on MN that I feel like I'm the only person with friends of different levels.

Do people just not accept this?

OVienna · 05/07/2017 09:03

They do user - they just don't accept the need to invite all of them to their wedding, ordered through different classes of invitation.

user1494187262 · 05/07/2017 16:30

My DH has been invited to 2 weddings recently and I haven't.
I can't imagine what uproar that would create!

Slimthistime · 06/07/2017 12:10

bimbo and vienna are spot on.

as for "would I rather not be invited" - yes. I would prefer that. because much as some say "It's an invitation not a summons" I have yet to find that a refusal hasn't resulted in a call saying "I'm so disappointed, why can't you come along" with a tone that suggests whatever you tell them, they will find ways to suggest you don't do the other thing and prioritise their wedding evening.

again, if you are not that well known to them, why do they want you at their wedding? I just don't get it. I've even had a friend's work colleague - who I met twice! - send me an evening invite, which I declined, then she asked my friend for my tel number so she could ring and ask why. I mean seriously, she doesn't know my phone number in the first place but invited me to her evening reception? That is about making up numbers to look popular.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/07/2017 23:05

"All our guests were invited the whole shebang - wedding, reception and evening part of the event. We wouldn't have done it any other way."

I went to a wedding like this once. A lot of the guests were elderly family and colleagues of the FotB. They all buggered off after the meal, which meant that the evening section was extremely lacklustre, sadly. An influx of fresh faces who were there for "just the party bit" would have been a HUGE improvement!

TheDowagerCuntess · 07/07/2017 01:53

How unfortunate they have such dull friends - I doubt bringing more of them in would've made it any better!

user1485342611 · 07/07/2017 10:31

ThumbWitchesAbroad

The fact that the Father of the Bride invited so many of his colleagues was the problem there. Most weddings I have been at have been a mix of family and friends of the B&G with a small number of friends of the parents of the couple. Why did this couple not have more of their own friends, cousins etc there?

ComputerUserNotTrained · 07/07/2017 20:07

Because it was a traditional wedding? Confused

Bride's parents were in charge of the guest list up until very recently in a lot of families.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/07/2017 00:10

Indeed, Dowager - but maybe inviting more of their own friends who hadn't made the "cut" for the full wedding might have been beneficial Grin

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/07/2017 01:00

Their own friends would've made the entire day better, by the sounds of it!

I guess FotB held the purse strings.