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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this wedding invitation a bit insulting

276 replies

user1498921160 · 02/07/2017 15:49

I've been invited to a friend's wedding. The invitation states I've been invited to the marriage ceremony at 2pm and to the evening celebration at 8pm.

Another friend has also received an invitation which is the standard one to the marriage ceremony 'followed by a reception at.......'.

The wedding is twenty miles from where we live so obviously we're expected to kick our heels for the five hours or so between the end of the ceremony and the start of the evening celebration.

AIBU to find this a bit insulting?

OP posts:
ladasha · 03/07/2017 19:30

I'm not sure I'd be offended, but would feel it was a bit of a faff. I think your idea of going to the ceremony and then heading home is a good one.

I personally wouldn't enjoy travelling home for several hours and not really being able to kick back and relax as I had make up/hair done (and was too lazy to redo) and would have the looming prospect of rallying to go back out for a party. Once you're home and sat down it tends to be hard to drag yourself back out and slap your party smile on!

Each to their own though. Enjoy it whatever you decide!

Scrumpernickel · 03/07/2017 19:41

Evening invites are fine but it's weird to invite everyone to the ceremony, then dismiss the unchosen ones while you wine and dine the favoured guests. And then expect the unchosen ones to come back again for the evening bash.

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/07/2017 19:42

As someone who had never encountered A list and B list wedding invitations until I arrived in the U.K., I'm in the 'it's insulting' camp, but only because I think first tier and second tier guests is so Shock

All this, 'we can't afford to have everyone to the reception' stuff just sounds weird to me, when it is a given here that your guests just come to the entire thing.

You either scale back the guest list, or organise a lovely wedding on more of a budget, if you want to accommodate more guests.

thegirlupnorth · 03/07/2017 19:44

I think they've sent you an evening invite but also let you know when the ceremony is in case you are inclined to go to it.

eulmh · 03/07/2017 20:47

I've had this before I think it's quite standard. I just went to the evening due x

Midge75 · 03/07/2017 21:47

My goodness! I can't believe so many people find this insulting! I've had loads of these invites. We used to belong to a church with lots of young people in it, who all started getting engaged and married around the same time. Being a friendly, but big church, they couldn't possibly invite everyone to the reception, so would invite everyone to the ceremony (as someone else said, wedding ceremonies - at least in church - are public meetings, so I find it absolutely normal to include the ceremony in the invitation), as many of their closest friends and family as they could afford/fit in to the reception, and then everyone who was invited to the service back to the evening again. We've often gone along and popped to the pub with others who were not invited to the whole thing. Never thought anything of it. Nice to be included at all, I thought. Some have been local, others further afield. Granted, none in the middle of nowhere. I certainly wouldn't feel insulted - the invitation means they want you at their wedding. However, most couples would also understand if it's too difficult/awkward for you to hang around in the middle and would be happy for you to join them for at least one of the sections. Accept the part you want, go and enjoy, I say.

stereolove · 03/07/2017 21:55

YABU. As far as my husband and I were concerned, the ceremony was the important bit so we threw open the doors, inviting anyone who wanted to be there to see us do the official bit and the same numbers were invited to the evening party where there was a decent spread, cake and dancing.
The meal was strictly family and bridal party and of anyone was insulted to be invited to only the evening then they never said a word.
Frankly any invite to a wedding is an honour - money and space is tight unless you're a Kardashian so the lists for each bit of the day is carefully planned. No-one is invited to an evening reception to make up the numbers.
Be gracious and go - your presence is wanted and in between the ceremony and the reception, go for dinner elsewhere.

Also, insulting is not being invited at all.

woodhill · 03/07/2017 21:57

Exactly Midge. That's how it is for us.

Amanduh · 03/07/2017 21:57

It's not insulting

MeandT · 03/07/2017 22:01

Depends a bit on how you feel about marriage I suppose. If you're after a free night out, then sure, be offended they invited to the ceremony. If you are actually interested in seeing friends take a big step in their lives together, why not go to the service as well? Appreciate not everyone feels that way. I got an evening invite from an early marrying friend and asked if I could go to service as well. They assumed no-one would want the 'boring bit' plus gap, but it was lovely to be part of it, even though they were limited by family numbers for the sit down meal.

Jojofjo44 · 03/07/2017 22:58

In my opinion the happy couple can't win whatever they do. Evening reception invitations are apparently to be disapproved of and seen as an insult that they've not been asked to the ceremony.
Ask them to the ceremony and its rude.
The problem is that there are limited amounts of people that most couples can afford to pay for, or have in their package.
We would have loved to have asked everyone to our sit down meal but we only had 50 included in the package, and could only afford to pay for another 14. No animosity, no one was better than anyone just £30 a head was a stretch too far.
We didn't ask for presents, or cash - doing a poem asking for money is apparently grabby - so we received several photo frames, glasses and Mr and Mrs mugs - all appreciated.

SondayMumday · 03/07/2017 23:02

Geez. Be thankful that you got an invitation at all and don't judge the people who have invited you. If it's going to be a hassle, don't go. Simple as that.

pollymere · 03/07/2017 23:31

Only twenty people went to my breakfast, the remaining 400+ came to church and evening. They all went out for lunch!

cheval · 04/07/2017 00:42

Well I would find that odd. And rude. Either you want me as a guest, or you don't.
Actually, very happy not to be invited to any of these festivities these days. Far too much trouble and expense.

Dewey595 · 04/07/2017 00:57

Yes, so insulting and rude. I think the whole "evening guests" things is so cheap. Don't invite people at all if you can't afford to feed them. It's basically saying you're a loser who isn't worth paying for a meal! I'd refuse to go OP.

user1494187262 · 04/07/2017 01:02

It's insulting for them that you only deem it worth going for a free lunch and aren't interested in the ceremony.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/07/2017 01:16

Depends on whether or not you choose to be insulted.
I think it's a fairly standard evening invitation only but giving you the option to attend the (presumably) Church ceremony as well.

If you want insulting try this:
Please come and SING at our wedding ceremony in the choir at the church, including a couple of rehearsals prior to the date, but then go and kick your heels for 4h before you're allowed into the evening reception as we can't fit you into the actual wedding breakfast.
I still went to both bits though, because, despite the rudeness, they were friends.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/07/2017 01:19

The evening invites I have recieved/sent all said "You are invited to a reception to celebrate the marriage of.....at....." . If the ceremony is being held where is there is space for extras (usually a church) then there has been words to the effect of "You are very welcome to attend the ceremony which is being held at.......etc".

It simply isnt done to invite someone to a ceremony and then expect them to wait several hours until their "bit" starts, especially if it is more than a few miles from home.

LorelaiLeighGilmore · 04/07/2017 01:32

OP they are having the wedding they can afford.... by not inviting you to the reception!

OhTheRoses · 04/07/2017 01:42

Mr and Mrs Bloggs
Request the pleasure of your company
At the marriage of their daughter
Jane Elizabeth Bloggs
To
Mr John Smith
At St Mary's Church, Blank, Blankshire
On eighth July 2017
At three o'clock
And afterwards at The blank hotel

The afterwards needs to accommodate all the people invited to the ceremony whether it is a hog roast, picnic, canaped or three course sit down silver service meal.

If you can't afford the sit down meal for 100+ you put on a more modest function.

The essential bit is to cater for all the wedding guests equally. The important bit is the marriage not the frippery.

Hen weekends, designer dresses, six bridesmaids, favours, bands, themes, bows on chairs are all optional. Treating your guests well is not.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/07/2017 02:34

OhTheRoses - exactly.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/07/2017 02:43

At least they didnt ask you to stay over at their exclusive use hotel at £500 a night so that their wedding doesnt cost them a penny!

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/07/2017 05:55

One of our necessary had a big lavish wedding a few years ago in a way out of town swanky country hotel. We weren't invited to the ceremony /wedding breakfast even though had been a big part of her upbringing and dh very close to her father/ his brother and so on.

Here's the rub though ( we weren't particularly bothered as we'd not seen them as much of them in recent years so presumed was just a costs issue ) They had invited DMIL ( brides gran obv.) to the ceremony and meal afterwards.

We still weren't bothered about our exclusion until one day DMIL let cat out of bag that it was assumed we would drive her there and back ( about a forty mile round trip and no way would she stay long into the night do ( if at all) as would've had enough by then which they knew and she had made clear.

So our day would've consisted of DH or both of us taking DMIL to hotel twenty miles away setting off about 11 am then killing about 4hrs till mil was ready to be driven home and then picking me up ( if l 'd waited at home ) and then driving us back for the night do.

I just couldn't believe they didn't invite us to the days events but knew full well we'd be expected ferry grandma !

In the end DMIL cried off as she really has to be persuaded go out these days ( old/ infirm etc) and just sent them a card and generous cheque with us .
So we just had one return journey to make and I volunteered be 'Des'.

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/07/2017 05:56

One of our neices ...! ( fecking auto correct)

SureJan · 04/07/2017 07:21

Brides & grooms are made out on here to be 'grabby' & selfish for having the bare faced cheek to get married & mark the occasion by hosting a wedding?!
Yet people who find evening reception invitations in some way 'insulting' do so because they don't get the free wedding breakfast meal - umm, who's being grabby?!
And at the vast majority of evening receptions, guests do get fed for free...