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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this wedding invitation a bit insulting

276 replies

user1498921160 · 02/07/2017 15:49

I've been invited to a friend's wedding. The invitation states I've been invited to the marriage ceremony at 2pm and to the evening celebration at 8pm.

Another friend has also received an invitation which is the standard one to the marriage ceremony 'followed by a reception at.......'.

The wedding is twenty miles from where we live so obviously we're expected to kick our heels for the five hours or so between the end of the ceremony and the start of the evening celebration.

AIBU to find this a bit insulting?

OP posts:
MrFMercury · 04/07/2017 13:11

When my best friend got married I did a reading in the ceremony but wasn't invited to the meal after. She couldn't afford it and that was fine. I was happy to be asked to take part in her big day and then all of us friends went and had lunch, went home and chilled out before coming out that night for the reception. She put a lot of effort into making sure various dietary requirements were very well catered for and we had a great time.

I have been invited to other all day weddings where the waiting around bored out of my skull for sit down meals and then for the space to be moved around slightly which apparently takes on average 3 hours. I'd much rather have a break in the day :)

Jojofjo44 · 04/07/2017 13:24

Can someone be clear here? Are all of you that think evening invitations are an insult saying that you would rather not be invited at all? Because that's the alternative. I suspect we would then get an influx of 'such and such is getting married on the 22nd April and I haven't been invited. Have I done something wrong because I thought we were close enough to warrant seeing them get married. Aibu to be upset by this?'

Also..' If you can't afford to feed 100+ guests have a more modest wedding'
What if the wedding is already modest, say £2-3k for a package where they can only have 50 day and 70 evening - lots of these around - including ours - and that's all the couple can afford.

bimbobaggins · 04/07/2017 14:23

jojo, no people aren't saying evening invitations are rude, what they are saying is that an invite to the receptionist then having to hang around for hours as you aren't important enough for the meal then back down for the party is rude.

All day invite = good
Evening invite = good

Ceremony/evening invite = not good

Herbpatch · 04/07/2017 15:00

Exactly what bimbo said. Everyone knows most people can't invite everyone they know to all parts of the wedding, and you know exactly where you are with an evening invitation and have also skipped the hanging around while the bride and groom are photographed in a local beauty spot, and the speeches. There's no reason why evening invitations shouldn't also have a bit explaining that evening invitees are also very welcome to attend the church/registry part, giving the details, and leaving it up to the individual to say whether they will.

But specifically issuing an invitation that requires hanging around somewhere for five hours between two parts of an occasion while other guests are being wined and dined is pretty poor manners.

Jojofjo44 · 04/07/2017 15:01

*bilbo I've seen a lot of people say that evening invitations are rude. That they are only sent to make numbers up or for extra presents. There are people on this thread that have said it I've read it all

Jojofjo44 · 04/07/2017 15:04

Herbpatch - but that's exactly the same as what the OP has received - it may have been worded badly - without seeing the invitation we don't know, but they have been asked to the church and then evening and think it's rude.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 15:20

Jojo. the reason some/many posters feel there is a difference between an evening invitation and a 'Ceremony and evening' invitation has been explained over and over.

If you don't agree with those explanations fine. But this 'bewildered' not understanding why anyone thinks there's a difference is a bit disingenuous. People have explained their view. Agree or disagree. But don't ask them to explain all over again.

OVienna · 04/07/2017 15:38

I would rather not be invited at all to the wedding if it was evening only (in most cases) or some sort of weird split invitation like this.

I would totally understand that the person can't invite everyone to their wedding (who wouldn't FGS?!) and would just prefer to meet up with them one on one for a nice meal at another time.

But this is based on my limited experience of them, although our evening had much in common with others noted on here (a small group of us turning up with the plates being cleared away, missed speeches, no hospitality (no food and cash bar), expensive travel costs, and request for gift sort of thing.) In another case we were invited to the whole day but a non-British member of our circle, who had actually organised the group wedding gift, realised on the day she had a different sort of invitation (church and evening) than the rest of us had. Cringey and horrible doesn't even begin to describe.

OVienna · 04/07/2017 15:46

It's threads like these that make me feel about 4,000 years old. SInce when was it a requirement/normal to invite everyone you've ever laid eyes on to your wedding? I guess because people move around a lot more and spend so much time at work maybe? Whereas before people were marrying younger and maybe had a narrow and more predictable circle of people in their lives. I am wondering if this has contributed to this sort phenomena. Plus the "Lady Di" effect and the growth of the wedding industry generally.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 15:50

Yes I agree OVienna.

I was recently invited to a wedding that was described as being very small and simple. It turned out to be 75 guests. A generation ago that would have been an average wedding. Very small and simple would have meant about 15-20 people.

Also weddings used to have a definite end time, when the bride and groom changed into their 'going away' clothes and left the venue. Now weddings go on until the small hours and leaving at midnight can be viewed as being a bit of a party pooper.

Jojofjo44 · 04/07/2017 16:03

User148etc I totally understand what everyone is saying
My question was whether the people who think evening invitations are rude would rather not be invited. Only Ovienna has answered that so far.

Ktown · 04/07/2017 16:04

It is a rather awkward way of doing things.
I expect they want a present.
Either invite to evening only or don't bother but don't be odd about it.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 16:10

Jojo you seemed to be expressing bewilderment as to why the OP feels it was rude to invite her to the Church and then to the evening part and to omit her from the Wedding breakfast.

Personally I think evening invitations are a way of saying 'all welcome to the evening shebang' and are used as a handy way of including Colleagues, the gang from the tennis club and so on. But they can be rude if done tactlessly or inappropriately e.g. inviting colleagues to the full wedding and your godparents to the evening only.

The split invitation is always rude as it's creating a core group of guests and then dividing them into 'A' and 'B' groups. It may be well intentioned but it really does look crass and socially inept.

Stickaforkinimdone · 04/07/2017 16:22

Incredibly insulting, very rude, and all round rather bad form actually

Ceremony guests go to the wedding breakfast. Standard.

Evening guests are just that!

roundtable · 04/07/2017 16:22

I've been invited to the ceremony and evening do only more than once and gone.
A few I've not been to because of dates or other issues. I just went for dinner with anyone else who had the same invite and then joined around speech time. One was in London, so not close to home - some more local. It honestly doesn't make me think anything bad towards the couple.

But I absolutely love weddings. Love them. And I find cash gifts fine. Actually, more than fine as it makes life easier. Don't even care if I'm sent a poem. Which I'm aware makes me a minority on MN. I love baby showers too

SureJan · 04/07/2017 16:32

If you can't understand that being invited to attend the ceremony is optional & a nice added extra to the day that the bride & groom thought you might appreciate being invited to see, & would instead prefer to get all insulted & offended about it, then I feel you obviously don't really like the couple in question!
I really DON'T think this sort of invite means 'come along to the ceremony to make us look more popular & to make the church look more full, then fuck off for a few hours because you're not important enough to buy a meal for, but then come back (with our present) for the evening do' - if you truly think that the couple (supposedly your friends/family) are that shallow then that's just so cynical & miserable & you don't deserve to be invited to celebrate with them!

ComputerUserNotTrained · 04/07/2017 17:06

Do people buy Christmas presents of similar value for all their family, or do most have "socially inept" A and B lists, only sending cards to some Shock

Everyone knows that whilst you might be dear to someone and they might love your company, there is likely someone dearer still. It's not a snub.

round I love weddings, baby showers, hen dos... I'd probably enjoy a gender reveal as well if anyone I knew had one Grin

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 17:07

Did you by any chance do this at your wedding SureJan?

Seriously, while it might be a well intentioned gesture, it just comes across badly. I mean, would you invite a load of guests to your baby's christening and then invite a core group back to your house for a meal and tell the others they could join you afterwards for a drink?

There just seems to be an acceptance of bad manners building up around weddings that wouldn't happen with other celebrations.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 17:10

Not a good analogy Computer. No one is under the illusion that everyone at a wedding is equally important to the bride and groom. That's not what the thread is about.

Adnerb95 · 04/07/2017 17:10

Well said surejan

The OP - and numerous posters are being VVU and slightly ridiculous.

If you are close enough to be invited to any part of a wedding, I would think it natural to WANT to attend the ceremony. And, of course, you understand that pressure on numbers mean that you cannot necessarily be there for the whole day! Some people are just so bloody entitled.

As for, "twenty miles away, how do we spend our time?"

Good grief, get a life. It's a half hour drive.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 04/07/2017 17:14

I think the expectation that all guests are invited to the entire day is a recent one - probably only going back to when you could first get married in licensed premises rather than only in a church or the register office (the latter probably because you were a divorcee).

BaronessEllaSaturday · 04/07/2017 17:24

I think the expectation that all guests are invited to the entire day is a recent one

It has never been acceptable to give a formal invitation to the ceremony and not the wedding breakfast.

user1485342611 · 04/07/2017 17:25

Adnerb the OP has already clarified that it would take her forty minutes to drive athefew miles across the city centre on a Saturday afternoon where she lives because of traffic congestion, so presumably it is a lot more than a half hour drive.

Why would someone WANT to attend the ceremony, drive 45 minutes or whatever home, and then four hours later drive back the 45 minute journey to the afters, and then drive back home again afterwards?

Anyhow, I think the OP has said she will go to the Ceremony and give the evening do a miss, which sounds sensible in my opinion.

lorelairoryemily · 04/07/2017 17:29

I have never ever heard of that. It's so rude! They're happy to take up your entire day but they don't want to pay for your dinner. I wouldn't go. I'm Irish and that would never happen here. You're either a full day guest or evening only.

OVienna · 04/07/2017 17:32

Some people are just so bloody entitled.

Indeed. It's that there is a lack of agreement on this thread as to who those individuals are...