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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this wedding invitation a bit insulting

276 replies

user1498921160 · 02/07/2017 15:49

I've been invited to a friend's wedding. The invitation states I've been invited to the marriage ceremony at 2pm and to the evening celebration at 8pm.

Another friend has also received an invitation which is the standard one to the marriage ceremony 'followed by a reception at.......'.

The wedding is twenty miles from where we live so obviously we're expected to kick our heels for the five hours or so between the end of the ceremony and the start of the evening celebration.

AIBU to find this a bit insulting?

OP posts:
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 02/07/2017 17:47

Personally I think people should have a wedding they can afford, rather than trying to have a big wedding on a small budget

Absolutely. But wedding mania seems to be getting worse.

Slimthistime · 02/07/2017 17:50

I hate this kind of thing too OP
I've been to one wedding this way and never again - hanging around for hours inbetween. I was too young to know better and of course, never saw the couple again anyway.

People who think 20 miles is close - no, I already commute about 15 miles each way, there's no way I'd travel to a wedding 20 miles away unless I was practically best mates with one of the couple.

OP it seems like you're okay to go to the church but if you didn't want to go at all, I wouldn't feel bad. Also in circumstances I'd say fine to turn up to church without a gift.

Gamer mentioned a B list to make up numbers - was that to cover the cost of venue hire?

Slimthistime · 02/07/2017 17:51

*commute for work

buggered if I'm giving up that time on a weekend for a couple who don't know me well enough to invite me to the main part anyway.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 02/07/2017 17:54

*AlexanderHamilton

It's often not about money but space.

It's incredibly difficult to find a venue that can accommodate more than 50-70 for a sit down meal. Many only fit 30-40 or even if there is space they only have the staff to prepare & serve a certain amount of people.

We really struggled to find somewhere.*

That was what we found. Capacity over 70 was very difficult to find, it was hard enough finding 100 as we have a large families between us and a large close circle of friends. The next size up of venue was 150-200 that we wouldn't have filled and would have felt too empty and cold for the sake of a few extra evening guests that were more casually known.

It was not about cost. The wedding was under budget, and all the scrimping came from making my own jewellery, stationary and using cheaper suppliers on the market for flowers, cakes etc. We paid extra for guests' comfort, extra wines, non alcoholic drinks on the table, extra canapes, plenty of buffet... There just wasn't a suitable venue for 110-120 guests. Also at the point of booking 2 years in advance we knew 100 was a reasonable target to invite, but no real way of knowing how much extended family were willing to fly or drive 150+ miles from all over the UK (the answer was more than expected!) So the only other alternative by MN logic was not inviting some people at all and omitting to tell people about a public ceremony that they could attend anyway.

greendale17 · 02/07/2017 17:55

YANBU

So they are saying you are important enough to be invited to the church and the evening reception but not to the wedding meal?

If I was you I would either just go to the church or to the evening

w12newmum · 02/07/2017 17:55

I'm on the not insulting side. They have invited you to what they can and it's up to you which bits if any you choose to attend.

OfficerVanHalen · 02/07/2017 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/07/2017 18:06

I got married 20 years ago.
The latest you could get married back then was about 3.30pm
I chose the last possible slot because I couldn't stand the idea of my guests faffing about for hours between wedding sections and everyone was invited to everything.
It wasn't an expensive wedding because we did everything ourselves.
I just couldn't face grading people according to who was important enough for each bit. If they were coming they were already important enough.

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/07/2017 18:07

Pretty much what officer said Grin

kel1234 · 02/07/2017 18:09

Personally I don't understand all this 'evening invitation' stuff. I thought the reception follows the ceremony, and sit down meals were included in the reception.
But I wouldn't go personally

Notreallyawaitress · 02/07/2017 18:14

I had an invite like this many moons ago. Close friend from university who had been to our wedding and enjoyed our hospitality many times.We were the only couple who had travelled a fair distance to be there - 4am coach journey, forked out for a crappy hotel in an overpriced part of London and had a gap of about six hours between the ceremony and everyone else buggering off for a fancy meal. We went to a nearby pub and ended up pretty drunk as there was no food available. Got to the evening reception - a few plates of tiny canapés were passed around but nothing to eat really. At this point i went outside and threw up on the groom's shoes Blush but at this point I feel he probably deserved it Grin

Upanddownroundandround · 02/07/2017 18:16

Not insulting at all. Stop being so over sensitive. Go or don't go. You either like your friend and want to see them married or not. Or do you just want to go for the food and drink but have no interest in seeing them actually marry.HmmThis invite is no different to any other invite I have received or seen for evening only guests.

Cackleberry4 · 02/07/2017 18:18

Think yourself lucky the arrangements have been spelt out.

Some friends were invited to a wedding in Italy. They attended and asked where they were to head to for the reception, only to be told that they had only been invited to the ceremony not the reception after.

A bloody expensive church service for my friends!

Alexkate2468 · 02/07/2017 18:21

I've actually done this kind of invite. My reasons were that as we are Christians, the most important part of our wedding was the ceremony and that was the bit we wanted everyone to go to. We would have loved to invite everyone to the wedding breakfast but simply couldn't afford to. What we did do, was put on a light lunch after the ceremony for those who weren't invited to the breakfast. I think most of our guests understood... We didn't have any complaints... That we know of...

TheProdigalRhubarb · 02/07/2017 18:22

I went to one like this a few years ago. After the ceremony I went to the pub with others in the same situation. We were a bit drunk and rowdy when we arrived at the evening disco bit in a church hall, but nobody was insulted or found it rude. The bride and groom didn't have much money, that's all. They were quite religious though so they wanted their friends at the church part.

I can't help finding it a bit odd that anyone would get offended by a wedding invitation.

Crispbutty · 02/07/2017 18:26

20 miles is really not far.

As for insulting, not at all.

I would only expect to be invited to the full thing of really close friends or family. It's normal to me for people to have an intimate sit down meal after the ceremony and then a much bigger evening do with a buffet.

Catsize · 02/07/2017 18:29

This happened to me. A friend and I travelled 6.5 hours down the UK to go to a university friend's church wedding. We had to entertain ourselves waiting for the evening do, where not even a cup of tea was given, let alone a crisp. Two nights' accommodation, gift etc. Was not a happy bunny! 🐰

PuppyMonkey · 02/07/2017 18:40

Well, to whoever queried it, it definitely IS a bit of a snub if you know your other mate has been invited to the whole thing but you haven't. Grin

Uhtred · 02/07/2017 18:50

I don't get why people are so insulted with evening invites. The main people we invited to the evening were work colleagues or sport/club friends who we were friends with but not necessarily life long friends. We only had a set number of tables that could fit into the venue (120 ppl) so invited people to the evening as a bit of a party to celebrate with our extended friends. I personally don't see anything wrong with this and if people would rather not come because they are insulted then fine by me! I also included the ceremony on the invite because it was in a church so no restriction on numbers and I'm aware that some people actually (shock horror) like watching the main ceremony, bride walking in, vows etc and wanted to see it, plus some of my older colleagues just came to the ceremony and not the evening which again was fine with me.
I think it's more of a 'hey we're getting married on this day and why don't you come and join us for a drink and dance if you'd like to'. There's definitely not the same expectation for people to come, just nice to be included. If you are insulted by this then just don't go and let them get on with enjoying their day!

lalalalyra · 02/07/2017 18:56

I think there's a big difference between an evening invitation that also says people are welcome to the church (which is common here) and specifically inviting people to the ceremony then telling them to piss off for several hours. The latter is just bad manners imo.

NoParticularPattern · 02/07/2017 18:59

We had one of these for this weekend just gone. For work reasons we weren't able to get to the ceremony so just went to the evening reception for a few hours after work.

I wouldn't be insulted or suggest that they are rude or snubbing you in some way like PPs have done. The way we took it was that they wanted us to come to the evening but also would have like us to see them get married if we could make it. It's just an evening invite with the option of going to the ceremony. Either go or don't- as the saying goes, it's an invitation not a summons!

Butterymuffin · 02/07/2017 19:05

Bad manners to effectively say 'Come to our wedding, but then kindly fuck off for six hours as we don't want to pay for your meal. It's ok if you come and spend your own money at the bar in the evening, though' Hmm

OfficerVanHalen · 02/07/2017 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SureJan · 02/07/2017 19:37

FFS some people are so touchy!
If you don't like the wedding set-up or the way the invites are worded, or if you don't want to give up your precious time to attend, or if it's too expensive/too much hassle, or if something about the wedding 'insults' you - then just don't go! Don't ruin everyone else's day with your moaning just because it isn't all to your personal preference.
If you liked the bride & groom you'd be thrilled to be invited, to any part of the day, full stop. And if you didn't mean anything to them & they didn't care if you were at their wedding then they wouldn't have invited you at all.
I'm all for people having 'the wedding that they can afford' but I don't think them saying 'you're welcome to come see us get married & you are invited to the evening reception' is them being cheap or insulting!

woodhill · 02/07/2017 19:57

At my dds wedding and the next one drinks and food are provided free to the evening guests and there were drinks for everyone after the ceremony.

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