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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this wedding invitation a bit insulting

276 replies

user1498921160 · 02/07/2017 15:49

I've been invited to a friend's wedding. The invitation states I've been invited to the marriage ceremony at 2pm and to the evening celebration at 8pm.

Another friend has also received an invitation which is the standard one to the marriage ceremony 'followed by a reception at.......'.

The wedding is twenty miles from where we live so obviously we're expected to kick our heels for the five hours or so between the end of the ceremony and the start of the evening celebration.

AIBU to find this a bit insulting?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 02/07/2017 16:59

YABVU. That's a perfectly normal invitation. A lot of people can't afford a big sit down meal for everyone, so they choose to have an evening party in order to include as many people as possible. Go and have a nice lunch somewhere, or go home if you like. But you should be pleased to be invited at all, rather than getting grumpy about not being invited to everything. Otherwise, just don't go.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2017 17:02

Unless you were a very close friend, it would not bother me. Good idea just to go to the ceremony and home again.

bimbobaggins · 02/07/2017 17:02

soda, I would say it's quite the opposite in that a funeral is not an invitation event. Anyone can go to a funeral, I've been to funerals of people I don't know as a mark of respect to the family member I do know

AlexanderHamilton · 02/07/2017 17:03

Soda - it's because legally part of the wedding ceremony is asking if anyone knows of any lawful reason why the marriage should not take place. A wedding is a legal ceremony. A funeral is not (but I've never heard of inviting people to funerals usually a notice is put in the local paper with the date & time & people just turn up)

Whileweareonthesubject · 02/07/2017 17:05

There's a town about 20 miles from here. From my home to the person I visit takes a minimum 40 minutes and can take an hour, depending on traffic. It's not fair to assume 20 miles = 20 minutes - that only works if you live right next to a high speed limit road and so does the person at the other end. I live in a town and it can take 15 minutes just to get to the nearest A road. If you live in a more rural area I imagine it could take a lot longer.
I'd consider it rude to expect guests to travel that far for the ceremony and then assume they will be able to find something to keep them occupied until the evening reception begins. Fine to invite to the evening with a note saying all welcome at ceremony, but a 'split shift' invite ? That's rude imo.

FrancisCrawford · 02/07/2017 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1498921160 · 02/07/2017 17:07

Just to clarify, I live in a very congested city and just driving across the city centre alone could take about 40 mins on a busy Saturday afternoon, so it really isn't just a quick 20 minute drive away.

Anyhow interesting to hear different opinions.

Personally I think people should have a wedding they can afford, rather than trying to have a big wedding on a small budget; or having expensive extras like sweet carts and ice cream vans and photo booths and cutting back on other things instead.

But obviously this kind of thing divides opinion.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 02/07/2017 17:07

sodablackcurrant, that's not true. Weddings and funerals are both public events in the UK. You'd never normally receive a formal invitation to a funeral, and you're welcome to go to support bereaved people you know, even if you didn't know the deceased.

Funeral gatecrashing is something of a thing: www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2010/mar/21/victoria-coren-jolley-gang

RudeDog · 02/07/2017 17:08

I think they have worded it very badly to be honest.

However it's a bit crap if you have to get dressed up and drive up and down 4 times and sit around at home in between.
If I was going to just a night do I dress differently as well which is a bit hard to plan in.

sodablackcurrant · 02/07/2017 17:08

Francis C.

Thanks for the clarification. I just got the impression that funerals were invite only in many cases.

Apologies if I assumed incorrectly.

Creampastry · 02/07/2017 17:09

You invite someone to the whole day or just the evening, not sections of a wedding. It's taking the pis and says you aren't valued enough to pay for food.

ExConstance · 02/07/2017 17:11

Years ago it was often the case you would get an evening invite with "all welcome at the church" written on it. I don't think this is much different.

bridgetreilly · 02/07/2017 17:11

I do find it weird that so many people think it's more polite only to be invited in the evening (and therefore not to the actual wedding at all) than to be invited to the ceremony as well as the evening. I'd want everyone to feel welcome at the important bit, not to feel insulted by being invited to it!

sodablackcurrant · 02/07/2017 17:11

And bridget reilly too about the funerals.

So anyone can turn up at a funeral so? I never knew that.

Moanyoldcow · 02/07/2017 17:13

I think this is extremely rude.

Have the wedding you can afford - small to massive it doesn't matter. But you have to think about the comfort of your guests. Inviting people to a ceremony and reception but not the breakfast is extremely thoughtless, especially when there's a massive gap like that.

Evening only is fine - not this stupid mash-up.

CostaCoffeeRoyalty · 02/07/2017 17:13

I'm guessing it could go on how close you and the bride-to-be are and how close the other friend and the bride-to-be?

dnwig · 02/07/2017 17:20

I wouldn't find it insulting (unless it was a family member's wedding!). Have been invited to quite a few of these.

Often enjoy finding somewhere nice to eat that's more relaxing than going to a wedding meal!

NataliaOsipova · 02/07/2017 17:23

Have the wedding you can afford - small to massive it doesn't matter. But you have to think about the comfort of your guests. Inviting people to a ceremony and reception but not the breakfast is extremely thoughtless, especially when there's a massive gap like that.

Well said.

Plus - I've seen this done and, in practice, it's very difficult to time the end of the sit down meal reception part with the start of the evening party. And because people have been hanging around all day, they all arrive together on time.....and in time to see all the "A listers" finish their pudding with no actual party to go to. Which was all rather embarrassing for all concerned.

lovehoney69 · 02/07/2017 17:24

It's not insulting, just a numbers issue really. If you don't want to wait around then go to either the ceremony or the evening do. If you want to go to both then find yourself something to do, nice meal in the area? Cinema? Walk? Book a lovely hotel and retire there for a rest? It's up to you really but you can't expect the bride and groom to worry about everybody's individual timetables.

AlexanderHamilton · 02/07/2017 17:26

It's often not about money but space.

It's incredibly difficult to find a venue that can accommodate more than 50-70 for a sit down meal. Many only fit 30-40 or even if there is space they only have the staff to prepare & serve a certain amount of people.

We really struggled to find somewhere.

eddielizzard · 02/07/2017 17:28

i think it's rude. can't stand the concept of a and b list guests.

PocaMiseria · 02/07/2017 17:35

I've had invitations like this - usually there's a whole group of us so we go to the important bit which is the wedding ceremony and then go off and have a meal together before going to the party in the evening - even if that means driving a further 45 minutes to an hour to find somewhere nice to go. After all, if you don't want to hang around you can always go home. But we don't have small children to entertain or babysitters to pay, so everyone chooses what suits them best - the invitation is there - you choose which parts of it you wish to accept.

EastMidsMummy · 02/07/2017 17:37

Can't believe how touchy some people are.

Why would you be insulted that someone wants you at their wedding but understand that they probably can't invite everyone they'd like to to the wedding breakfast? I've been to weddings like this - ceremony plus evening. Didn't feel insulted. Felt great.

diddl · 02/07/2017 17:43

It does sound to me as if it is an invitation to the evening reception & details of the ceremony are just there for information.

I've had this before as a work colleague & we all decided to make a day of it by going to the ceremony, then out for a meal ourselves & on to the evening reception.

Depends on timings of course.

alltouchedout · 02/07/2017 17:45

I'd just go to the evening reception. Or just the wedding itself. But I wouldn't hang around for 5 hours in between the bits I was welcome at. That's just a rude thing to ask of people.