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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this wedding invitation a bit insulting

276 replies

user1498921160 · 02/07/2017 15:49

I've been invited to a friend's wedding. The invitation states I've been invited to the marriage ceremony at 2pm and to the evening celebration at 8pm.

Another friend has also received an invitation which is the standard one to the marriage ceremony 'followed by a reception at.......'.

The wedding is twenty miles from where we live so obviously we're expected to kick our heels for the five hours or so between the end of the ceremony and the start of the evening celebration.

AIBU to find this a bit insulting?

OP posts:
OVienna · 02/07/2017 20:00

Five to six hours is a looong gap. There's only so much time you can kill hobbling around in your wedding gear if you can't go home, in s pub. Evening invitations are one thing but to create an expectation, with a formal invitation, of a guest attending one event and then another several hours later is really ill judged.

Moanyoldcow · 02/07/2017 20:01

I disagree SureJan

I don't think weddings are some big 'honour' to bestow on others and you should be grateful to be invited.

They should be a lovely fun celebration where guests should feel wanted and part of the fun. The host should consider their comfort just as you would if you invited them to your home.

If the position you start from is that of a 'second tier' guest you start to wonder if you're just there so they get a gift.

OfficerVanHalen · 02/07/2017 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groupie123 · 02/07/2017 20:13

I think it's rude to invite you to the ceremony and not the breakfast. Surely it's common curtesy that ceremony guests all get invited to the breakfast - if you can't do that then invite fewer people.

MrsHathaway · 02/07/2017 20:16

Posh weddings do this. Even the b&g and other major players might have a few hours off in the middle.

Six hours to yourself is much more useful than three: it's clear you are definitely going home. It also helps with babysitting etc and you might well get a chance to put the DC to bed rather than having them looked after all day without you.

I honestly don't see how not being invited at all is preferable to being invited to the evening only, unless you really, really hate weddings.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 02/07/2017 20:36

Can anyone else remember going away outfits? Slightly random, sorry. I just remember them being a thing and now they're not. I'm not even that old Confused

ComputerUserNotTrained · 02/07/2017 20:37

And yy to posh weddings having a hiatus in the middle.

OfficerVanHalen · 02/07/2017 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moanyoldcow · 02/07/2017 21:14

I feel really strongly about this stuff - I got married after loads on my friends and acquaintances and the lack of thought out into the 'guest experience' drove me mad:

Hours of self indulgent photos whilst we waited with one measly drink, 2 Paris goblets of wine with dinner, hideously over priced hotel drinks, miles of travel etc.

We tried to put our guests at the centre by thinking if everyone is having a good time we probably will too.

I genuinely don't think I said anything about 'my special day' once during any of the prep. It's become a code for 'treat everyone like shit'.

sparechange · 02/07/2017 21:17

I went to a French wedding where all guests were invited to the ceremony and then drinks, and then the b-list ones were kicked out so the a-list could sit down and eat

I can only imagine the reaction that would garner from MNers if if happened in the UK...

And I've been to a couple of weddings with a hiatus after the ceremony - they were in farming communities where most of the guests had to go and milk. The bride and groom were arable farmers, so they went and watched a rugby match in the local pub...

AnnaleeP · 02/07/2017 21:33

I went to a wedding like that once, it was miles away, we booked the same hotel as the groom and a bunch of other friends only to be told by one of them when we meet up in the pub that we ought to check our invite as some people aren't going to the reception.

We checked the invite and it was indeed for the ceremony and 'evening reception'. I wouldn't have minded if it was made clear - an evening invite with an option to attend the ceremony or some other wording. As it was we spent a fortune to get there, only to have to spend the afternoon entertaining ourselves.

Fortunately we knew some of the other people not worthy of a wedding breakfast,
and we scooped up a few others too so 20 of us trotted down the road to a curry house and then the pub. Actually had a really great laugh and going to the evening reception felt like a boring anticlimax tbh.

Have always made sure to read invites very carefully since.

OVienna · 02/07/2017 21:41

What babysitter would do an hour or do -assuming you are local - and then agree to keep their day free to cone back later? Confused this sort of invitation could easily be s nightmare for childcare. Three hours is enough time for a leisurely meal and drink. I could see doing that.

Herbpatch · 02/07/2017 21:57

Evening invitations are fine, but it's pretty poor manners to invite people to attend two separate bits of a day with a five-hour gap in the middle where the b-listers have to kick their heels somewhere. No, obviously, you don't have to go to the ceremony, but an invitation designed around a gap of several hours isn't wildly inviting. Better a straightforward evening invitation with a PS that gives church or registry times and makes it plain you're also welcome to attend, but that it's entirely optional.

BackforGood · 02/07/2017 22:22

YABU to moan or think it strange.

It is an invitation. You can go to the ceremony, or, you can go to the party, or you can go to both, or you can go to neither.

It's perfectly normal to only be able to invite some of your friends to the 'day', and it's nice if you can then invite other friends to the evening party. Only on MN have I ever heard of people "feeling insulted" to be invited to a party Confused. In my life people either thing 'How nice' or, if they aren't party people then 'I wonder if I can arrange to be somewhere else on that date'.

I like going to the ceremony if I'm invited to an evening wedding pary. To me, that is the important part of the day. However, if transport, or childcare, or something else about the day is a problem for you, then don't go to it - that's fine - but the couple are just letting you know you are welcome if you'd like to go.

Slimthistime · 02/07/2017 22:32

"f you liked the bride & groom you'd be thrilled to be invited, to any part of the day, full stop"

No, if I like people then I will help them out with stuff like shopping when they're ill or just be a shoulder when they need it etc

but I am never thrilled to be invited to a wedding, esp if I'm just a casual acquaintance. If close and the day is not hours long, miles away, expensive to attend and I will actually get to see the couple and chat properly it's a bit different. But I've only been to two weddings like that.

When I attended the wedding with the gap in between, the evening drinks were free. I just think it's a bit of a "here are the casual acquaintances" section of the wedding and it can be a bit pointless.

Slimthistime · 02/07/2017 22:33

*close = close to the people!

Onetedisbackinbed · 02/07/2017 22:38

Meh! I've done it, it's not so bad. Was staying in the same hotel as reception and just went back to the room and ordered room service .... they said it might be delayed as they had a wedding on Grin

SureJan · 02/07/2017 23:45

I agree with BackforGood.
There's no need to make such a big drama about an invite to a wedding - you either want to go, or you don't. Just decide & then do it, you don't have to bitch about it & make the bride & groom feel shit for hosting a wedding that doesn't 100% suit you.
I don't agree with the 2nd tier guest stuff. There are people I know who I would never expect to be invited to their whole wedding but would be chuffed to be thought of for their evening reception. Similarly there are times when I get an evening reception invitation & think nah, I can't be arsed going, too much of a hassle to attend so I'll just politely make my excuses & decline. But I just leave it at that, I'm not insulted or feel snubbed.
I just think it's very cynical & miserable of people to be so mean to their so-called friends/family when their wedding day should be a happy occasion. Fair enough, a wedding isn't so important to anyone other than the bride & groom, but if you like the couple you'd think their wedding would be an enjoyable event & not just a day to pick fault with.
And believe it or not, people don't always get married just for gifts Hmm

Fl0ellafunbags · 03/07/2017 09:36

I think there's a big difference between an evening invitation that also says people are welcome to the church (which is common here) and specifically inviting people to the ceremony then telling them to piss off for several hours. The latter is just bad manners imo

Couldn't agree more.

Lovelymess · 03/07/2017 17:31

It's not insulting.they could not afford to have you there for the good but still want you to be part of their day. What's the biggie? Go to one or other

Flowersandbirds · 03/07/2017 17:34

People are so weirdly offended by wedding invites. Accept it for what it is - your friend would obviously like you there for the whole thing but space and or funds are limited. So she's invited you to see the actual marriage and for the party. Nicer than just to the party IMHO. Very few brides and grooms set out to cause offence and upset in the biggest day of their lives. Get over yourself - the day isn't about you.

Craigie · 03/07/2017 17:36

YANBU. Don't go.

UKrider · 03/07/2017 17:37

Poor form.

I know evening invitations only are the norm here in the uk and totally ok.

But mention of the ceremony is not needed if you're not a 'day guest'. Church weddings are by nature 'open' so should local parishioners or guests want to pop in the the ceremony they can and there's no obligation on the bride and groom to host them for anything else unless theyve been specifically invited.

HeyRoly · 03/07/2017 17:41

We had an invitation like this once. It was a PITA. We had to travel and stay overnight in a hotel, so it wasn't like we hadn't already gone to some trouble. But we made the best of things and went for a nice meal as a couple inbetween the ceremony and the evening reception...

...only to discover that the evening reception came with TONS of food that mostly went to waste because everyone had eaten (out of necessity) beforehand.

sodablackcurrant · 03/07/2017 17:42

Where I live there is the A list and B list thing that goes on too. We call the B listers the "afterbirth" lol.

Anyway, B listers (evening) rarely go to the church aswell, unless they have the time and the day off.

So B listers just rock up about 8 or 9pm and get hammered. But there is always food for the afterbirth crowd. And the A listers tuck in to part two of the food aswell.

TBH if I got an evening invite I just would not go. I might pop into the church/ceremony to say hello to everyone and wish the happy couple well.

But then again I don't like loud music, the A listers are usually pissed by the time the B listers arrive, and it can be awkward trying to find a seat. Well that's my experience. So no, evening invites stay under the magnet on the fridge. lol. I will always get a gift though. Always. Even if I don't go.