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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this wedding invitation a bit insulting

276 replies

user1498921160 · 02/07/2017 15:49

I've been invited to a friend's wedding. The invitation states I've been invited to the marriage ceremony at 2pm and to the evening celebration at 8pm.

Another friend has also received an invitation which is the standard one to the marriage ceremony 'followed by a reception at.......'.

The wedding is twenty miles from where we live so obviously we're expected to kick our heels for the five hours or so between the end of the ceremony and the start of the evening celebration.

AIBU to find this a bit insulting?

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 02/07/2017 16:31

"20 miles is a 30 min drive". Hmm No it really isn't, be sure it depends where you live.

If you need to go on the M25, it could be an hour.

If you're on rural roads and often come across caravans and tractors it could be 40/50 mins EACH WAY X 4 journeys.

Me264 · 02/07/2017 16:32

I received an invitation like this and thought it was lovely - normally you are just invited to the evening and don't get to see the ceremony which is usually the nicest bit! So I then did the same for my wedding but I did get a few raised eyebrows and some confusion. I wish in hindsight I'd sent invitations just for the evening but popped in a note saying if you'd like to come to the ceremony as well you'd be very welcome to. I think that would've been better than inviting for ceremony and evening which some people obviously don't like.

LellyMcKelly · 02/07/2017 16:33

I went up to Scotland for a wedding like this (ex boss) and had to hang round for 6 hours until the night do. Wouldn't do it again. It looked cheap. As you're fairly local, just do one or the other if you want to do anything at all.

Tinuviel · 02/07/2017 16:33

We did this and I hope nobody was offended! As a Christian with a good number of Christian friends, I wanted to make sure they felt welcome at the wedding itself (although I know that anyone can turn up to it anyway!) as well as whichever part of the celebration they were invited to. When I was ordering invites, it clearly wasn't a standard thing to do but people came and enjoyed themselves, so I can only assume no one felt snubbed.

It would, however, have been very odd to do it if the ceremony had been at the same venue as the reception.

20 miles really isn't far! You could go to either or both, really.

2014newme · 02/07/2017 16:35

Just go to the evening
Or get together with others in same position and go somewhere fabulous for lunch

donquixotedelamancha · 02/07/2017 16:37

I've always found the idea of inviting people to a reception, but not the wedding silly. The wedding is the main event. So our wedding had everyone invited to everything, to avoid the issue you describe- an expensive solution.

You hosts have a different solution, but obviously would like you at the ceremony. I think you have to stretch quite far to find that insulting.

GreenTulips · 02/07/2017 16:38

We didn't do this at our wedding, everyone came to the entire thing and we had a small wedding

But that meant some people were left out entirely!!!

2014newme · 02/07/2017 16:38

It does definitely look cheap though, much better to have a cheaper Reception

bimbobaggins · 02/07/2017 16:39

I've never seen an invite like this before. It's either a full day or evening, never heard of ceremony, ditched for the meal then back for the evening reception. I'd be tempted just to go to the evening reception

nocoolnamesleft · 02/07/2017 16:39

I presume that if you lived further away, you'd just be evening invite guests, but as you live so close by, they didn't want you to feel excluded from the ceremony.

bluechameleon · 02/07/2017 16:44

I think an evening invite is fine but it is not fine to invite to either end and not the middle. I had this once - a close friend from university invited me to the whole thing but my DP (very serious, we got married the next year) to either end. Neither of us went as I found it insulting.

Bodicea · 02/07/2017 16:46

It's pretty standard but I think it could be worded better. Our evening wedding invitations were worded as evening invited and with an addition of you are welcome to come to the church ceremony.

SureJan · 02/07/2017 16:47

If you find it insulting then I wouldn't go if I were you - chances are you won't enjoy it & will feel put out at attending whichever part you chose to attend.
I bet the couple are just trying to be nice & include as many people as possible in whichever way they can afford.
Wouldn't you have been even more insulted if you hadn't been invited at all?

neveradullmoment99 · 02/07/2017 16:48

An evening invite is fine, but to invite someone to the wedding, omit them from the reception but invite them to the evening is rude and inconsiderate.
Totally agree with this.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 02/07/2017 16:48

We phrased it as an evening invitation, and you are also welcome to join us at the church for the ceremony.

The church was local. The reception was 40 minutes away, mainly because finding a venue that could accommodate 100 people for a wedding breakfast was very restrictive. There were very few choices over 70. It turned out that an appropriately sized venue was at a very special place for us, so booked there.

For the sake of some extra local colleagues and neighbours, it wasn't worth the extra jump in capacity to a bland corporate venue for some extra wedding breakfasts, so an evening invitation, and highlighting a publicly open ceremony. Some regulars from church chose to come to the ceremony of their own accord as they'd come to know us as we'd been planning, we were flattered!

It's fine if the couple are straight up about what to expect, and there is somewhere reasonable to go in the gap... this also applies to all day events where the couple buggers off for hours for private photos... the "best" wedding was the 8 hour gap between the start of the ceremony and the wedding breakfast in the arse end of nowhere...

ComputerUserNotTrained · 02/07/2017 16:48

It used to be the norm in a lot of circles, that everyone went to the ceremony and then non-family buggered off for a few hours, reconvening for vol au vents and Oops Upside Your Head from about 7.

gamerchick · 02/07/2017 16:48

you are incredibly tight.
I would never go to any part of a wedding without a gift

You would have hated mine then. Not only did I not have a bjusttheretomakenumberdup list, I banned gifts. It costs enough to attend a wedding.

LetsSplashMummy · 02/07/2017 16:49

Just go for a meal locally in between with other people you like who have the same invite - more fun than the wedding breakfast as you get to choose what you eat and who you sit next to. If you can't get past the "offence" then don't go at all.

Migraleve · 02/07/2017 16:53

I do t know about the invite but I'm baffled at the idea of 20 miles being a barrier to you attending both parts

LAlady · 02/07/2017 16:55

I'd just go to the evening reception as essentially that's what you have been invited to.

SlothMama · 02/07/2017 16:56

I don't find it insulting, I had the same for my partners cousins wedding, they had a huge family and couldn't afford to pay for everyone to be at the reception.
I'll be doing the same for my wedding, I can't afford to have all of his family there. But I will happily recommend resturants for them to go to, and won't expect them to be there for the ceremony and evening do if they don't want to wait around.

Pengggwn · 02/07/2017 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sodablackcurrant · 02/07/2017 16:57

Can someone explain (for a non UK born person) why wedding ceremonies are open to all, but funerals require an invitation?

Am I correct in thinking that anyone can rock up to the church, venue, or registry office, but to go to a funeral one needs to be invited?

I may be totally wrong, but that is the impression I get. Anyway....

Hulder · 02/07/2017 16:58

I've had an invite like this.

All of us with similar ganged up together and went to the pub. Cue an afternoon of drunken slagging off the bride and groom for our inadequate invites and a load of very pissed up guests turning up for the evening do...

Dibbles1967 · 02/07/2017 16:59

I was invited to my cousins wedding & then the evening reception. It wasn't far from where I lived so lurked around from across the road to see her arrive but didn't bother going to the evening reception, which was fecking miles away.

The lurking actually sounds odd... There was a playground across from the church, so I just tied it in with the usual Saturday visit there. (I did take the children!)

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