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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have the most unfortunately named love rival?

302 replies

RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 00:36

I'm only just back with my dh after we split for a time and suddenly I find Jolene is back in our county and wants to get back in touch with him?

Every time I sound off about the fact they got history and she's always fancied him people start singing fucking Dolly Parton!

Last time I got really torn up over it and confidied in my dsis and BIL he put the damn song on and laughed for a whole few minutes and I forgave him because everyone was a bit drunk and stoned but them
Mary Anne never lets me forget either and she's meant to be close family Angry

Just to clarify he'd never cheat on me and never has.

OP posts:
SamoyedSam · 02/07/2017 13:15

She may well have done @distance. In my experience, families with obvious and chaotic drug issues are the easier cases for SS to spot and handle, as it is usually blindingly obvious. The cases which go under the radar are the ones where there is usually rampant child cruelty but no outward signs of drugs and alcohol. If this is a chaotic family due to drugs, it more than likely will be picked up on.

SamoyedSam · 02/07/2017 13:16

I knew someone was going to mention Baby P, hence my post mentioning which cases are easy to spot and which are harder.

winglesspegasus · 02/07/2017 13:42

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

It's more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
'Till I see my Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin' away

Itsnotwhatitseems · 02/07/2017 14:35

I agree with Sam on this one, the Op has professionals involved in her life already, they are the ones to make the right calls if necessary. By turning on the Op you have just closed down an outlet for her, which may make things worse.

DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 14:40

I think Rihanna would be more appropriate in this case:

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2017 14:42

So we should all pretend it's ok? Say nothing? Kid on it's not happening? That sure it's fine for your little daughter to live with a drunken stoner. It's fine for you both to be out of it on a sat night whilst caring for her.

Sadly it's only a matter of time with this young family. I hope the op comes to her senses.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 02/07/2017 14:43

That depends on who you are saying it for. If you think by saying it some action will be taken that will have a good outcome, that's great but if you are venting your opinion just to make Op feel bad, then I don't think it will help no

Ginger782 · 02/07/2017 14:44

WTF did I just read Hmm

DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 14:47

The OP SHOULD feel bad. And she should remove her daughter from this environment.

Will pointing out what's obvious help her to do that? No idea. But believe me, many posters have been kind and gentle and understanding for quite a long time. And as a PP rightly pointed out, we are not therapists. The OP cannot post and expect people who know her story not to point out the glaring facts but say how wonderful everything is.

picklemepopcorn · 02/07/2017 14:49

I'm glad you are happier now Lassie. I hope that all the things you have learned over the last year have helped you. I hope that you remember all the advice you have had, in case things get tough again.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 02/07/2017 14:51

I'm back from doing normal family things. A trip to the park, only cigs smoked. A pub lunch, a half each because be drove there. Dad and daughter are happily watering the garden whilst I take some time out because I was up at 6. This is not a picture of a family that should have their child taken off them let alone compared to poor baby P. I'm trying to keep my cool but that's just so insulting.

Thanks sam for not going with the pack mentality.

I said earlier he has a full time job and do something else that's cash in hand. It's not his main job to whoever asked.

I don't know why I keep coming back on defending myself if no ones prepared to see that people can change.

I'm going to get a new therapist soon.

Also I know lots of friends/family that are normal hard working people with young children and combine that with smoking cannabis every day and drinking in moderation. I'm not denying he had a problem before but it's got better now.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 14:56

Right.

Just don't lie to the new therapist this time, eh? And see what he/she says.

alpacasandwich · 02/07/2017 15:00

I'm not denying he had a problem before but it's got better now.

If "better" is cannabis and drinking every day, and on his best day a half pint and cigarettes, WTF was it like before?

Do you know how bloody low you're setting the bar here?

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 02/07/2017 15:07

Don't worry about Jolene (or Mary Anne for that matter). Mary Jane is the one you need to keep an eye on...

JaniceBattersby · 02/07/2017 15:21

Blimey. Ive always tried to keep my replies to you as kind and understanding as possible RedStripe but seriously, alcohol should have no place in either of your lives after the way it's affected you in the past. There's no need for an alcoholic drink on a Sunday And as for your OH persuading you that his abuse is your fault, still smoking weed, drinking and working without declaring his income, I just don't know what to say. Please look after your daughter.

SamoyedSam · 02/07/2017 16:41

If half a pint and cigarettes in a pub garden is setting a low bar then that shows a vast unawareness of how millions of normal, often working-class parents live, bringing up happy children. I have no idea of the OP's socio-economic status but this type of commentary reflects a class issue in many respects. Not all kids do Brownies on a Monday, violin on a Tuesday etc., and many parents may take their kids to a pub rather than Legoland on a Sunday afternoon. But to stick that on a sliding scale that leads to Baby P at its nadir shows a shocking lack of awareness of the country and the times of grinding poverty that we live in. The OP has painted a picture of a family afternoon that, if taken at face-value, constitutes perfectly acceptable child-rearing. And on an anonymous forum, "face value" is as good as you're going to get. If there are a multitude of issues beneath face-value, then the professionals (or her DD's playmates' parents) around her will spot them, like the whole forum previously assured her they would.

kali110 · 02/07/2017 16:45

Op you're lying to yourself.
I'm not going to be nasty to
You as i think enough people have and its not going to help.
Your dh hasn't changed, you've just accepted his behaviour.
You can say you don't deserve ss to come in, but hasn't what your therapist said resonated with you at all?

kali110 · 02/07/2017 16:48

SamoyedSam
It's not a class thing Confused
Having a few drinks and fags isn't an issue, getting stoned every night is.
Having a therapist state that ss should have been involved would worry me Hmm

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2017 16:49

You both couldn't even go for a pub lunch with your daughter without having a drink ( even if half each)

Considering your hangover this morning...jesus, go on then crack on with your happy family life

I think i'll wait until the next thread where the drunk threads start appearing more

PoorYorick · 02/07/2017 16:49

Oh God.

Bluntness100 · 02/07/2017 16:50

A half pint in the pub is irrelevant, it's on top of the pissed up sat night and the fact he will spark jp later and get stoned and drink again.

And the vast majority of normal working class parents don't live like that. How fucking offensive.

Ceto · 02/07/2017 16:54

I said earlier he has a full time job and do something else that's cash in hand.

Does he pay tax on the "something else?" If not, he's committing fraud.

NicolasFlamel · 02/07/2017 17:00

All this reads like you're desperately trying to paint a nice picture. You've said "nice normal family things" so many times. Most families do all that stuff regularly and it doesn't get mentioned. It's very disconcerting.

alpacasandwich · 02/07/2017 17:01

Samoyed I am from a WWC family and nobody smokes except my loser uncle, who nobody has any contact with, due to his behaviour with drugs.

So patronising to say that working class people have to use substances.

ColossalKalamari · 02/07/2017 17:09

Which if the changes you asked your husband to make has he actually made? You asked him to stop drinking and smoking and he hasn't

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