AIBU to think 20 year old DD is taking the piss a bit?

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DD is in her 1st year of uni. She is living at home. She has kept her part-time job that she had in sixth form.

We haven't made her pay this year for rent, etc. or anything like that to be nice, but figured next year we need to ask. We are asking for 15% of what she earns that week.

She has relatively recently started all these activities (she has lost 3 stone and is a lot more confident etc. etc.) things like yoga, dance, drama and all kinds of adult classes.

She claims she isn't going to be able to afford to give us 15% because of these activities. It's not unfair is it to say she is going to need to stop however many until she can afford it, is it?

She should pay when she moves out she will have to budget for activities she enjoys and still have to pay rent.

DS got his degree results yesterday and I am so proud of him. Whilst at uni, he did part time jobs but I made it clear that if that interfered with his studies he should not worry about the money. I would make it up. When I went to uni, I had to work and pay my own way as my family could not afford to help out and it was hard. I wanted him to be able to enjoy this opportunity and focus on his studies. Four years on and he is a graduate and has just started his first 'proper' job! It is a graduate post and he is enjoying it. I am happy to carry on sending the same sum of money each month for a further few months if he needs it. I do need money and have to take on extra hours at work when bills come in but I would not do things differently for my son. OP, it is between you and your daughter to sort this out. For what it's worth, I would not take the money. The fact that she has got to uni, is juggling a part time job and a life is something to celebrate; something to support her with. Don't risk souring your relationship with your daughter over a few pounds. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to fall out over things as she becomes more independent!

If you don't need the money I wouldn't ask her either but make it perfectly clear that a fair contribution will be expected after graduation.

I would expect her to pay for all her own social life, classes, make up etc.

I would help buy her some clothes twice a year, not party clothes but essentials, winter woollies, every day boots etc.

That is what I what I did for DS when he was at Uni.

Also having had a previously considerably overweight DD, I also pay her gym membership whilst she is at Uni, because it absolutely keeps her on track and as a result her self esteem, happiness and friendship circles are massively improved.

Disclaimer: we can however afford this, if we couldn't then we would have to sit down and look at it again.

I strongly advise you to encourage her to pay each month/week at least a token amount. I learned to manage money whilst still at school and that put me in a good position in adulthood. My friends who's parents expected nothing each month struggled to pay bills before buying clothes, concert tickets, holidays etc when they moved out and ended up in terrible debts including multiple credit cards and evictions. These people were far brighter than me at school. Money management is extreamly important but it has to be learned early on. Obviously don't fleece her as she's in full time education and there must be some benefit to staying at home before she enters the real world but do give a sense that each month you must loose some of your income to pay for necessary bills.

not read the whole thread but I think yANBU
your daughter is 20 - old enough to vote, marry etc
she works at a part time job - so she is not in FT education (as some posters have said) if she can work part time
you have only asked for 15% out of her un-taxed part-time income to provide her with full keep - she would still have 85% to spend on her interests
only on MN would 18 and 20 yos have to be 'cossetted' as 'children'.
You are doing right to make your daughter face some of the realities of life - 'infantalising' the young stops them growing up (and they vote for politicians who offer them 'goodies - sorry but it is all part of the same 'entitled' 'me first' attitude some of the young people seem to have)

'they vote for politicians who offer them 'goodies'

What patronising twaddle. Young people voted Labour for many reasons, including concern at what is happening to the country with the NHS being starved of funds, the housing crisis etc. increased poverty, etc.

If you are going to talk about 'goodies' what about all the bribes that wealthy pensioners receive, winter fuel allowance, bus passes, free TV licence. In their youth if they had gone to university they would have got a grant to live, and not left saddled with debt, like your despised millennials. They would also have been able to expect to buy their own home, probably in their twenties. But for young people now, the goal of owning their own home will remain out of reach for most of them, thanks to disfunctional policies on housing from both parties over the last few decades.

I feel very sorry for them, and any decent person/parent would want to help their young adult dcs out, as far as they are able to do so.

so she is not in FT education (as some posters have said) if she can work part time

What are you talking about? I was in full time education, and worked part time, as did most of my friends. There are any number of shift patterns that can work around full-time education.

I think the argument that it 'helps her budget' is absolutely ridiculous. She's already sensibly budgeting by saving £50 per month.
I haven't read the whole thread, but what other expenditures does she have, other than her classes? Does she buy her own clothes? Does she pay from travel? If she's sorting that out via her own money, it doesn't leave much to spend in whichever way she desires.

YABU if you can afford it. You are taking money from someone who can't increase their hours (and therefore incomings) to deprive them of classes which are benefitting her confidence and wellbeing when you really don't need to. And that someone is your DD...

so she is not in FT education (as some posters have said) if she can work part time

Well what is a stupid statement. I was in FT education and worked part time. Even
Now I currently work full time hours. I could squeeze in a part time job (12 hrs) on top of that if I needed to.

You'd rather she gave you money you don't need than build up savings? How odd.

YANBU. It is your way of parenting. I would say YANBU to let her live rent free as well as YANBU to ask her for rent.

When I open this thread I thought the op would talk about a neighbour, a niece, a friend... but she's talking about her own daughter. Why some people are so harsh to their own family. No wonder why most of then end up in mediocre professions as they need to work to pay their own parents rent when they do not need the money. I would leave your house if I were your DD and gladly never speak to you again.

@endelessworries did your parents leave you feeling hard done by or something? If op's DD really doesn't want to pay mum and dad the rent then she could move out (as you apparently would) and pay substantially higher market-rate rents like other people! OP is not taking money from DD just because of greed, they are trying to help her adjust to being independent. OP, do whatever you feel is best for your DD! YANBU for asking for a contribution imho.

Maybe there's another way she could make some extra money to fund the extra classes - which is exactly where you would hope her thinking wiuld go, because in the future that is how she will need to be thinking. If she doesn't have another way of earning the money, could you offer her a way? could she help you in an extra way?

Maybe there's another way she could make some extra money to fund the extra classes - which is exactly where you would hope her thinking wiuld go,

But as parent, would you not want to ensure that your child is fully focused on their education to make the absolute most of it? The DD is already studying FT and working PT - then in what free time she has left she attends her hobbies. Forcing her to either give up some of her confidence/wellbeing activities or have to take away from her focus on studying when there's no legitimate reason seems really petty and unnecessary.

Yes, she will have to manage when she moves out, but for now she has an opportunity to enrich her life. Why take that away from now when it's just not necessary?

@Vickyg43 the DD does have the option to move out to university accomodation. If she does so the OPs income will be assessed and she will be asked to make a contribution to her living expenses.

It's the OPs choice but living at home saves dd and the op money.

Does she want dd to move out and force her to pay towards her costs or will the op instead drop her ridiculous notion that dd is taking the piss for not giving £15 a week she doesnt need.

If i was the dd id move into university accomodation and see how my mum liked paying for that just to spite her

If you don't need it, then I wouldn't take it. We wouldn't dream of taking money off our DDs while they were at university. Our parents financially supported DH and me when we were at university and we would want to do the same for our DDs - this is our real world.

Both DH and I had no problems handling money or budgeting after we graduated.

Our daughter has just finished her 2nd year of uni. She's worked at Sainsbury's part time for all the time she's been at uni. She's bought herself a car & she lives with us rent free & will until she starts work full time when we will start to take some 'keep' from her - which we'll put away for her & give back when she buys a house anyway.
She does plenty of house work & helps out with our other daughter - school pick ups, cooking tea etc.
And I think that's a fair deal for us all, I wouldn't dream of taking money off her until she works full time, she's 20 & she can enjoy the money & freedom while she's can, we all know the fun ends when we start working & paying mortgages 😘

When I was 13 I got a paper round. I had a really old bicycle that my Dad found on a dump. I really wanted a new bicycle for my paper round so my mum let me order one from her catalogue. I had to pay £5 a week out of my £6 for my paper round (I earned another £2 looking after some horses, a new bicycle would help as it be quicker to get there) anyway, for 2 months I paid my £5 weekly happily. Then my bicycle got stolen. It was really tough doing my paper round on foot with no bicycle. I still paid £5 a week to my mum (which went to the catalogue company) for the bicycle I no longer had. I'm sure I paid it for a few years. But I can't have done. It felt like it at the time. Then once it was paid off and I got to 16 she had most of my earnings too. (£10 out of £15) Guess what? I left home at 16. Both parents were sad I left but at the time I felt it unfair. I still think it was unfair now. So I am probably going to be too soft on my children. (My oldest is 16) If they get full time jobs, are earning well and living at home then yes, I would definitely ask for a contribution. Not sure about uni. I guess it depends on how much they were earning. But 15% sounds ok. Or you could take that amount but put it away in a savings account.

hmmmm. I'd defer this until she graduates. I get your point about budgeting, realities of adult life etc. etc. but to be honest asking for money from a £400pm income of a full time student smacks of jealousy and vindictiveness when you should be proud she's at uni and improving herself.

When she's full time and earning properly, then you should ask for some housekeep.

Hi,
I have a daughter who has just finished her first year at uni and like you I've considered what help or guidance she will best benefit from. I'm not saying you are wrong as we all have different kids, but personally I'm really proud of my dd having achieved her place at uni. GCSEs and A levels seem really in depth and hard compared to when I went to school ( now 42). Plenty of kids and their parents don't appreciate the education the U.K and hardly bother in school. I appreciate you may feel you want to teach your dd financial management, which is a good thing, however, surely she's learning this whilst at uni. My dd has to pay rent and in fact since she's now completed her first year she still has to pay rent for her second year accommodation even throughout this summer whilst she's not actually there or even allowed there. My dd never asks me for money. I pay her mobile bill for her as I personally cannot afford much more. When I visit her though I do buy her a generous food shop to stock her up etc and I did kit her out for uni completely. After reading your thread I asked her what her friends did, i.e. Pay rent to parents and she said she only had one friend who was expected to. Kids at uni have to commit to massive loans for their education, topping up to around 50k. My dd daughter will be expected to pay this back which will make it harder to get into the property ladder which is near on impossible nowadays. I may not have spare cash to give my dd but by not charging her rent I feel I'm helping her. Dd also has a job too. You're only young once and I so want my dd to make the most of her youth ready for adulthood. Whatever you decide, you will make the right choice for your daughter I'm sure. I just think there is a bigger picture to consider before you decide. Life is tough for many families nowadays. It's not our kids fault. We decided to have them, and I guess that I just have the view that whilst my dd is at uni, I still very much want to support her in any way I can. I also have three other children and will absolutely do the same x

I totally agree.

When DD was at uni one of her housemates was expected by her parents to pay rent when she went home, even at Christmas and Easter holidays. Meanwhile she had to keep paying the full rent on her room at university over the break. Her parents were reasonably well-off. I felt very sorry for her. They also used to begrudge her lifts to and from uni at the start and end of the academic year, when she had all her stuff to carry.

The result was as you would expect - she hardly went home. She worked many hours in a part-time job, so much so that the university asked her why she was missing lectures, this was probably also due to the lack of financial support from her family.

Parents should help ! - and most do.

If you look at the finance tables she is entitled to financial support from her mum even living at home.

Instead Dd works. She hasnt taken a loan or any money from her mum to.pay for university and yet op wants her dds money.

Christ.