AIBU to think 20 year old DD is taking the piss a bit?

[loosechangebanknotes]

DD is in her 1st year of uni. She is living at home. She has kept her part-time job that she had in sixth form.

We haven't made her pay this year for rent, etc. or anything like that to be nice, but figured next year we need to ask. We are asking for 15% of what she earns that week.

She has relatively recently started all these activities (she has lost 3 stone and is a lot more confident etc. etc.) things like yoga, dance, drama and all kinds of adult classes.

She claims she isn't going to be able to afford to give us 15% because of these activities. It's not unfair is it to say she is going to need to stop however many until she can afford it, is it?

My parents charged my brother rent as a point of principle to tech him budgeting. They put the money into an account and gave it back to him much later, when he was saving for a house or something.
Others who didn't pay are still struggling with money in mid 40s never properly moved out, never learnt those skills and parents have continually baled them out having to work longer themselves to make up for it.

people saying you need to educate your kids this way...

come on. life can be harsh but parents need to be loving and giving. so that life gets better...

If you don't need it why ask ? The only lesson she will learn if you do is how mean her parents are. Lifes hard enough why make it even harder for your own child. Seems cruel to me. You probably vote Tory & believe people should only have children if you can afford them. Glad you're not my parent.

If you don't need the money there's no way in earth I would ask her for anything. 'Earning or learning' is a great rule of thumb. I was of the era of tuition fees paid and small maintenance grant which my parents topped up (did not live at home). My parents preferred that i didn't get a job at uni so I could concentrate on my studies. I have not become a feckless, irresponsible adult, incapable of budgeting. Yes she is an adult, but still a very young one. I think university, amongst other things, is a transition phase to fully independent adulthood, although I do recognize that those who start earning full time earlier make that transition quicker.

YABVU. She's in full-time education, and uses her hard-earned money for self improvement in the best sense of the word - she's not asking you to pay for it. She has already learnt a valuable lesson as she's working and spending the money wisely.

She's your own daughter for goodness sakes, living in the family house, not asking you to subsidize renting a flat. She sounds like a lovely young lady - enjoy having her around while you can and provide her with a friendly home in which she can flourish, not a bed-and-breakfast.

I wouldn't charge rent. She has the rest of her life to worry about that kind of thing

If you can afford to support her then you should. Sounds like the extra activities she is doing and paying for are really benefiting her well being and you should be supporting her to continue those.

I plan to support my DD until she is out of FT education. Many people do not work at all whilst at uni so that fact that she is working is great.

She will have bills and "life" to budget for and pay for when she graduates.

Perhaps she can "earn her keep" by helping more with chores/cooking etc?

Sorry I missed the info on the part time job bit, but, part time jobs and student loans are not enough for a young adult to live off effectively. My friend's son had to suspend his studies well into his 30's with his own businesses, and he's still in mass amounts of debt and living off his credit cards, but he got a 2:1 and I'm getting a photo suvineer so it will work out in the end 😉

My personal experience was my brother living rent free with my mum and me while at university. I should add I didn't go to uni and gave 25% of my salary into the home. My brother was out most weeks and also had an overseas holiday every year of his four year course. My mother couldn't afford to go on holiday . She did need the money but chose to allow him the "experience". Basically YANBU. It's life to have to pay your way. Whether your parents need the money or not!

University costs £9K a year in fees. Average debt is circa £40K. Getting a deposit for a house will take years of saving and renting costs more than a mortgage repayment would. It is not a level playing field. We shouldn't expect our children to take over where we left off but we should recognise we had it easier in many ways. Taking money off her to prove a point is condescending and doesn't acknowledge that her generation will be working until they are older than we are when we retire. If you need it, take it. If not, help compensate for the legacy left to the younger generation. There is no final salary pension. No grant. No job for life. No chance of a deposit to buy without a leg up from someone.

I think it sound like she's doing so well improving herself if you were to do this it could affect her negatively which seems counterproductive. She's not out getting pissed every night wasting money. Be proud and support her. Could you ask for less and save it for her?

Well maybe I'm going against the grain here but I don't think classes cost that much. Also if she's got a student loan towards 'living' and university costs & a job she's got probably a lot of spare money . Maybe you could make her pay 'housekeeping ' towards food& make her buy her own toiletries and stop paying for things like glasses etc ie dentist unless she's really in a fix. I think the whole point of having children is to be able to let them be well rounded, in entitled adults and I think there's a fine line between "mollycoddling ' & being too harsh. I think it's admirable that you want to do this. My mum also made me do my washing around age 20. I don't think it's overly harsh but I come from a working-class background in which 'hard work' is seen as the norm. She can still save if she wants to and not get in debt, you can always negotiate the amount down if you need to.

I honestly think you should be applauding her to the hills - what a mega effort loosing all that weight - my parents asked me to pay the phone bill - which back in the day when I moved back in for a year after Uni..it was in the 80's ad phone bills were big ...... good for her ....talk about her cooking a couple of days a week and providing the food....and maybe ask for her to pay the electricity bill ....that way - by degrees - she will start learning the meaning of money and how expensive actual, real running a house life is ....I am 55 tomorrow and still getting my head round this .....

Not being unreasonable at all. From the time I got my first job at 16 I paid my parents a third of my wages each week until I moved out. It taught me not to waste my cash on crap!

Having been a student not too many years ago and even though I worked a lot it was still a big expense that my mum couldn't afford to help me with.
In the summer when I worked full time I paid a small amount of money to contribute at home but my mum needed the money (I lived half a week a home and half a week at uni term time)
If she's only earning £98 a week I don't think she should pay as it's a small amount.
I would say she should for for her own luxurys, toiletries, car and phone etc. Struggling with money whilst at uni really effected my learning but that's my own personal experience.

I think some people are projecting a bit. I never understand why people try and make their children's lives harder just because theirs was...

@angelfacecuti75 - have you read the thread? She doesn't have a maintenance loan!

Exactly what mumstheword said. The fact she is using her wages doing things that builds her confidence is so much better than getting drunk every weekend. For this reason I personally wouldn't ask her to contribute. I don't think yabu every adult has to pay their way. But in circumstances like this for any parent that doesn't need the money it's better to let them continue confidence building than "teach them a lesson" they will learn anyway

I think you'll find a real divide on this thread but I think the best thing would probably be for her to give you some rent like you say but make her sit down with you and work all her money out and maybe things like yoga she can do at home? OR put that money aside for her if you don't particularly need it and it can start her saving to get on the property ladder? Honestly OP - like most I had such an almighty shock when I went from home to my own place so maybe if you sit down with her you can show her what bills a person with their own place is expected to pay and it may start to sink in for her and she might start to see where you are coming from.

I worked from 14. My orients never asked for money from me but then again I never asked for it from them either once I earnt my own.

I learnt budgeting that way.

In fact in college my parents would spring me a driving lesson or tenner here or there because they said I never asked and cost them far less than my siblings!

I stayed with my parents at uni, I didn't pay rent, I had to run a car to get there (i had this car because it shared between my three siblings and I at home but it was a massive PITA and needed between 50 and 350 spent on repairs monthly almost without fail) I had a 100 mile round trip each day costing almost £20 day, and worked in a supermarket. I also looked after my DNs two days a week and overnights, and i only just had enough money to exist. My parents decided they would rather I cut my hours and live rent free then I could spend time studying etc.

If you can afford it, allow it. Xx

@youarenotkiddingme
This is exactly it.

Personally, while she is studying I'd not charge anything unless you need to.

Once she leaves uni and either starts work or signs on while seeking work, then I'd ask for rent etc.

Totally depends on whether you actually need the money. If you do then fair enough.

I would say it depends on how much she earn and what you buy for her? Does she buy all her own clothing, toiletries, travel/run a car/phone etc? Is she saving for a house or blowing it all?

I don't ask my YD for a contribution...and I am glad she has had the get up and go to work part time and not live off us totally. But...we don't need the money (any extra is nice obviously!) and I would have to help her far more financially if she lived out when at uni, as my elder two did..and we had to help...the loans don't cover it all. I do feel it would be good for her (struggle, poorer housing = reality) but she chose to stay near to home precisely for that reason. ( to stay abd live at home, and doesn't have a maintainance loan obviously)

BUT...she paid for her own car and all the running costs , her own phone and some clothes (I will always buy essentials) She doesn't earn a lot and has to budget carefully, doesn't buy loads of clothes, have a designer habit or blow loads on drink etc She will buy second hand at times if needed and doesn't mind doing so (neither do I!)

Many students have so much help off parents they still have the maintainance loans and blow them on holidays etc...MD had a few friends in this position. But if you really need the extra then fair enough.

I honestly don't understand why parents need to ask for rent from their own children. I wouldn't bother, I want to see that my children have a stable job and specially if they are saving to buy a house or somenthing..in the end of the day parents are meant to be there to help them to get on with their lives and taking money from them as soon as they start having some is just so mean, specially because you don't really need it.
There's much better ways of teaching them to save or be responsible, like teaching them do the bills maths for example... going to work and paying whatever they choose to use their money for is a huge learn itself.