AIBU to think 20 year old DD is taking the piss a bit?

[loosechangebanknotes]

DD is in her 1st year of uni. She is living at home. She has kept her part-time job that she had in sixth form.

We haven't made her pay this year for rent, etc. or anything like that to be nice, but figured next year we need to ask. We are asking for 15% of what she earns that week.

She has relatively recently started all these activities (she has lost 3 stone and is a lot more confident etc. etc.) things like yoga, dance, drama and all kinds of adult classes.

She claims she isn't going to be able to afford to give us 15% because of these activities. It's not unfair is it to say she is going to need to stop however many until she can afford it, is it?

My family always said you didn't have to pay anything whilst you're in full time education. I was at uni but had part time jobs. They never took anything BUT I did offer because as an earning adult I felt it wasn't fair that they paid for all my food, toiletries etc.
The rule was as soon as we were out of eduction we had to pay.

But I do think it's each to their own. If she is paying out for luxuries maybe it would teach her the lesson that in the real world you have to pay for the essentials before you can spend on other bits

She's taking the piss.

She's a grown adult who needs to start paying her way, she needs to learn that things are not handed to you on a plate. If she was living in student accommodation she'd be paying out a hell of a lot more!

@Writermom22 - why do you think she doesn't know that?

Some very odd replies.

It would be more important to me that my dd continued with her activities so that she could continue to be healthy, she has achieved an amazing weight loss and life style change, if she can't afford to carry on that would be a tragic situation and one she is likely to remember and blame you for.

Can you not compromise, maybe she could do some extra chores or work around the house when she is there to pay her way? You are helping her to learn about paying her way.

but without making her suffer losing the one thing that is keeping her healthy and well.

rinabean

Seriously daft.

Op you get the 'I worked at 14 moved out at 16 and payed my own way crap posters on mumsnet.

If that was true that's neglect and nothing to boast about.

Let her enjoy her new weight loss and finding herself.

We don't charge out adult kids still st home as we don't need to. If you did that's different but you don't do don't

Clearly this one is dividing opinions. My view is that while they are in education I as a parent still have a moral obligation to support them and would not ask for anything from their earnings during this period. As soon as study is finished however and they have a steady reliable income 20% is required and has been forthcoming from all my children while they have stayed at home.

I'm torn. I do think adult kids need to learn to budget and have a standard of living commensurate to their means, but in the other hand, she's spending her money on things which improve her wellbeing, confidence and health, which will benefit her studies and employment prospects.
If she was out on the lash every night, I'd say she was taking the piss, but I'm not sure here.

I disagree with every person that says YABU... you are not. I'm only 4 years older than your daughter. When I left school and started college, while working part time, my parents would charge me £10 a week.. it was nothing to them, but to me it taught me how to budget and that I had to pay my way in life (I got between £25 & £50 a week)..
I moved out when I was 19 and BOUGHT my house. If it hadn't been for my parents teaching me, just that little bit of responsibility alone I'd probably have struggled. My bf, now dh, was on a higher wage and charged £50 a week but it definitely helped us grow up in the long run.

If you don't need the money I wouldn't charge her rent although I would expect her to do her fair share of household chores and some cooking. However I would try to get her to save the equivalent of rent each month into a savings account so she's not used to having that money as disposable income. And she should have a good amount saved to help with a house deposit or something in the future.

Okay, so I haven't read all the comments... I'm too lazy for that.

But I think it all depends... does she pay her own phone bill etc? When I first started working at 16 I took over my phone bill. I studied Photography that year so it was crazy expensive so my parents were kind enough to not ask me for anything then. When I learned to drive I then started paying for my own tax and insurance. I was no longer studying but I was only contracted to 10 hours per week at work do not making a huge amount, so because I had my phone, tax and insurance to pay my parents asked me what I could afford to give them so I wasn't left with nothing. It sounds like your daughter is thriving - and I feel like you should be encouraging her getting out there doing activities that are making her more confident not asking her to give them up just to teach her a money lesson. She surely must have to budget to fit them all in, plus it's great she's doing that rather than going out and wasting her money on wild nights out.

@FruitTwist2017

Which bit?

Unfortunately, I have a coloured view of most uni students who seem to think it's great to doss about taking handouts from parents and generally acting like kids for a long as they can (I appreciate that not all students are like this). My daughter couldn't get on with college (looooong story) so moved herself onto an apprenticeship earning £3 odd an hour. I refused to take anything from her but did tell her that from her 18th birthday, she'd have to start paying for her mobile phone as she would then be getting over £5 an hour. Which she did. I always lend her anything she wants to borrow through the month and she always pays me back on pay day. She's recently finished the apprenticeship and has now started a 'proper' job. We are going on holiday this year for the first time in 7 years (another looooong story), a holiday which I've paid for, including passports, for which I've told her she only needs personal spending money, after which, I've said I'd like her to start paying £10 a week board towards her keep.

I don't see anything wrong with that.

I've not read the whole thread but consider other things, my friend was recently made a single parent, she lives in a council house and pays a reduced council tax rate because she is single. However, as her daughter is at uni and is about to turn 20, my friend has been told that she will have to start paying full council tax because there will be two adult earners in the house, uni is a choice, not compulsory education.

She's failed at the first hurdle by making a financial commitment she had no intention of keeping. She's taking the preverbial and as an adult, she should be making a contribution and given her attitude, I think you're doing the right thing.

Entitlement is not a lesson that will benefit her in the future.

Still think you can't generalise. If they can afford it, most parents would want to continue to support their children into adulthood. Many parents pay for weddings, give money for house deposits or buy a flat for university and allow the child to rent out a couple of rooms.
We still pay phones, contact lenses and car lease. We started paying by direct debit when they were in sixth form and never got around to changing it. They'll learn to budget well enough over time regardless - it's just easier when they are earning more.

If she's studying, working and doing all those activities, I wouldn't ask her for money. I've known people to drop out of uni or skip classes to earn money for rent, food etc. Start charging board when she's finished education.

She might be looking after you one day, then she can have a chance to repay the favour.

I think if she's actively saving then let her get on with that. I can barely scrape a tenner a month in savings so she's doing well.

If she's not, then I think you're right, it will help her learn to budget better. When she's not at home her activities will have to take a back seat if she can't afford it, it's easier to learn than now rather than when you're paying back the £5000 credit card you racked up as a student.

I am 21, I don't go to university however I plan to. I think the unreasonable person in this situation is your daughter, I'm sorry but she's most likely living at home so she doesn't have to pay these fees. 15% is nothing and we all have outgoings we'd rather not have. I'm sure she'd be upset but in the real world you don't get off paying your way because you'd rather pay for something else. If you don't need the money maybe put it aside for her to have to put down as a deposit for a house or something when she's older and has left uni. If it ends in an argument then you need to explain how this benefits her. Again, she is someone of my own age and I know first hand how different my friends who pay rent and my friends who don't are with budgeting and similar life skills.

No I don't think it's unreasonable. I paid my own way through everything as soon as I got my first job. Never had any help with driving lessons, trips, uni etc. Never did me any harm and I'm damned good at managing money!
If she was in halls/renting, she would have to pay a lot more.
Even if it's just a token contribution towards bills, food etc, I would ask her to contribute as she's an adult. That's how the world works; you prioritise bills, rent and food before hobbies.

My parents paid my tuition fees & student accommodation. Helped me to be free of loans in future life and greatly appreciate it.

Had a mortgage at a young age and knew how to budget without learning through paying my parents anything.

Pray I can afford to do the same for my kids. If you don't need the money don't know why you'll ask for it. Sure she's already learnt how to budget from pocket money.

But your house, your kid, your rules. Do what you think is best.

As you don't actually need the money, yes. She's a student in full time education (not a working adult) who is (wisely) working part time to invest in her health and save for the future. Accommodation is at market prices, at this stage of her education you are saving money by her living at home. If you are paying for luxury items in terms of food and toiletries for her, you could save money by no longer providing these. For example basic provision of soap and loo roll in the bathroom and she can buy her own hairspray, body lotion etc if she wants to. That will help her in learning to budget and would be a compromise on both sides.

I stayed at home for the first 2 years of uni. My parents didn't ask me for a contribution whilst I was studying but I was expecting to pay nominal board during the holidays when I got a job. It's entirely up to you, but what would you be doing if she was studying away from home? Would you contribute to her accommodation and/or living no costs or would expect her to self-fund via loans and debt?

Out of interest because someone else had mentioned it- if you go to visit her and any future grandkids lupus might have- is she ok charging you B and B rates?

she should pay. i had part time job while in college and always had to pay at least 1/3 of whatever i earned. it makes you respect budgeting, money etc and only do what really matters. plus had to do continue housework, splitting it 50/50 with mum who worked full time. even if revision etc, told me it will help me learn time management. ie revise, college, course work, housework, socializing. 15%is cheap. my friends mum did same, though less housework, saving the money in account for her. when she moved out years later her mum presented her with the money as a surprise to help pay deposit on rent/ flat. we both are independent and strong women as a result. my mum was more lenient with my brother, also my husbands parents never made him or his brother pay. they all had major shock when left home.out in the real world and had to start budgeting/paying for selves. all of them struggled.

Really people yes she should pay to have a roof over her head she is working so she should contribute.