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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to want go to family instead of holiday

137 replies

mugc4ke · 01/07/2017 09:21

DH works full time. I work 22.5h over 5 days.
2 DS (DS2 with a rare chromosome disorder and severe learning difficulties).

I want to see my parents during the summer for 2 weeks instead of going on a holiday. My family lives at the other end of the UK and cannot help on a regular basis but are very helpful with the DC when I am there. It is my only option to get a 'break'.
We do not get help locally, no respite and I work when the DC are in school. As said, DS2 has very complex needs and it is incredibly tough day in day out. The relentlessness of it is making me ill.

DH's family live in Europe. He visited them this spring for 2 weeks. Parents are elderly and stuff needed to be sorted at home - so not a classic holiday but time back home and he didn't even take the DC which makes it actually really easy.

we wanted to initially rent a caravan and have a cheap holiday but I am breaking under the working/caring/housework strain and decided to take the DC to my family so they can help with the DC, esp DS2 whilst I put my legs up. 2 weeks of no cooking, cleaning, washing and having somebody to take the DC off me so I can sleep. this is all I want.

DH and my family don't rub along well so he would not come along.

He is now angry with me for on effect cancelling the holiday. I get his point but I need this break. But then he has had a holiday at his parents already.

I am really not sure who is unreasonable. I dont see things very clearly and need some perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
mugc4ke · 01/07/2017 11:25

My son has severe autism so please don't assume

just because you have a DC with SN, you cannot make assumptions about someone else DC with SN.Just because you can, it doesn't mean someone else is able to. I cannot.

OP posts:
everymummy · 01/07/2017 11:27

You need a break and you must make sure you get one. If you don't support yourself, who is going to support everyone else?

I have a friend with a severely disabled child and despite trying every avenue doggedly she has almost zero help or respite. Knowing her and seeing her life has been a total revelation - I had no idea how hard her life was.

If your husband doesn't understand that you need this to keep going then perhaps someone else could talk to him. Just don't let it be me because I will resort to violence.

Floralnomad · 01/07/2017 11:27

I think I'd both book the 2 weeks off , you have one week as a family in the caravan somewhere then he either stays in caravan with the kids for the next week or goes home with the kids while you , and just you , go to see your parents for a week . Sorry but if he can swan off to his parents child free for 2 weeks you can have a week child free at yours .

Puffpaw · 01/07/2017 11:29

Op can't you take parental leave for the off with your parents?

Stripyhoglets · 01/07/2017 11:29

You are not being unreasonable at all. If he won't/can't get on with your parents then he'll have to do without a family break. He's had 2 weeks off and you need time yourself

Chloe84 · 01/07/2017 11:31

greggers i think you are the one making assumptions. Children are not all the same.

Original poster
mugc4ke · 01/07/2017 11:33

fairly

we get DLA which only makes a small dent into the losses I have in term of income (cutting my hours down to 22.5).

I cannot go on CA. We cannot afford to. We had benefits advice and have looked at all kind of scenarios but we sadly need to incomes. We have a pretty big mortgage (living in the south west). There aren't cheaper option for housing really.

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 01/07/2017 11:34

It isn't that I haven't ask for SS support. But the thresholds for respite are sky high. You seem to think that support for children with SN and their parents is readily available
In some parts of the country Children's Social Services are pretty good so it wasn't an unreasonable comment. There are also chartues that can help families with children with disabilities.

SolomanDaisy · 01/07/2017 11:42

You need the break and your whole family will benefit from you having it. Go.

therootoftheroot · 01/07/2017 11:47

wtaf??????

her husband got to go abroad alone for two weeks and yet the OP is unreasonable for wanting to go to her parents for two weeks??

Fuck that for a game of tin soldiers!!!

OP-go to your parents-relax and have a rest-you bloody deserve it and if your other half can't see why you need it then ...pffft!

Seriously- i can't believe some of the respinses you have got here

RedSkyAtNight · 01/07/2017 11:54

DH's trip to his parents wasn't a "holiday" though -it was to support his frail, elderly parents - which I imagine was fairly stressful. not quite the same as lying on the beach for 2 weeks.

bigmac4me · 01/07/2017 11:58

OP, I understand how exhausting and never ending caring for a child with severe special needs is, and as many seem to forget a child with those needs grows up into an adult with special needs, so their care really is never ending. As you said however everyone and every situation is different.

I have 4 children, now adult, 3 with special needs, 2 of whom I would classify as severe. So I do understand your need for support/rest, really I do. Like you I had no help so the days and weeks were endless, they still are. However, I also found it extremely important for us to get away and spend that time together as a family, without the pressure of work or school so equally I understand your DH's wishes.

I did find that although a holiday took planning and organisation once we were there it was a break. No work to worry about, no school. Yes of course we still had to care for the children, still dress and wash them, still cook and feed them, but the fact we were away from the boring household chores was a break in itself. I mean no cutting the grass, no urgent repairs to the house, no getting ready for school, very little cleaning up, and although there was washing of clothes no washing of bedcovers and household things. No endless and pointless meetings about their special needs, no therapy sessions, no hospital appointments to attend. There was no rushing to get them to school on time or the rush to collect at the end of the day. No trying to fit in bath and bedtime by a certain time, no alarm clock at the crack of dawn. I was lucky too in that during this time my husband would do the cooking, or we'd have a takeaway, or maybe some dinners I had previously prepared and frozen. I do not know if this would apply to you, but I really did find our holidays together a lifeline.

So, although none of us know your exact situation, maybe some of the sessions of compromise are the way to go, and maybe you will find like me a holiday together is also in some ways a break. I wish you luck no matter what you decide.

gottachangethename1 · 01/07/2017 12:16

Ydnbu . You need a break. He had two weeks solitude in effect when he visited his family. You should be entitled to have some help and to catch up with family. I don't like my ils, but I get on with them for dh's sake (he is European and I spend 2 weeks a year staying with them) I grit my teeth and get on with it, as should your dh.

Maria1982 · 01/07/2017 12:22

I think YANBU at all. You clearly need a break, and I don't think he understands quite how close to breaking point you are. Maybe this will help him understand.

Also, you say he can't cope with DS2 alone which is why he went to his parents alone. That seems very hard on you - you don't get the option of saying you can't cope with DS2, do you?

I think you should go to your parents , and he should be understanding about it.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2017 13:12

This year you go to your DP.

If DH steps up and learns to care for DS2 then next year you can consider something else.

So DH has a choice - he either steps up with DS2 or steps up to be civil to DP.

DarthMaiden · 01/07/2017 13:17

I don't think YABU.

As you say, your DH has already had his "break". If staying with your parents is the only way to accomplish you getting some much needed respite then that seems sensible.

It's sad he won't we there, but equally he gets 2 weeks at home with you himself to care for....

Welshrainbow · 01/07/2017 15:04

I think compromise is the key here. Yes he has had two weeks abroad but it was caring for elderly grail parents, not a holiday. He helps as much as he can at weekends and does 30% of housework while working a lot more hours. You all need a break. Could you go to your parents for a week and then spend a week in a caravan near your parents. They will still be close enough to take DS2 so you can have a break but you won't be staying with them.
Unfortunately though it sounds like this could be an ongoing issue every year. Would it be possible to relocate closer to your parents so they could help more long term. You may have to take lower paying jobs but cost of living will also be lower if you're not in the south east.

Welshrainbow · 01/07/2017 15:05

Also OP although social services have been less than helpful with respite and help are there any local children's hospices/charities that could help? There are a couple in my area that are fantastic even though social services are useless for getting any help.

HillaryWinshaw · 01/07/2017 15:07

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's had a holiday already - and a childless fortnight at that! You sound exhausted and close to breaking point. Go to your parents, take the opportunity for some respite, and I hope that things get easier for you.

BewareOfDragons · 01/07/2017 15:11

I actually think it would be a good thing for your DH to have the children on his own for a week. It will also be a reminder to what you are going through 51 weeks a year on your own for a lot of the time since you do the bulk of the childcare.

I think that will be a nice reminder call for him.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/07/2017 15:23

He went away from the family and left you to it for two weeks because it was necessary for family reasons - ie his parents.

You now need to go away for two weeks as it is necessary for family reasons too - ie your fucking sanity and ability to cope. You need a BREAK.

The only difference between the two scenarios that I can see is that unlike him, you'll be taking the children, and therefore all the bloody stress, with you!

This is a needed break. It comes before a holiday. You sound at breaking point.

When it was a case of him having to go abroad, was there ANY discussion of how he couldn't possibly go for two weeks as you couldn't cope that long alone? No? Or, that going for two weeks would compromise the time you had available for a family holiday/days off for appointments? No?

Sounds like you're the only one to get to come last.

Why does he not get on with your parents, or is it obvious from this thread?

FizzyGreenWater · 01/07/2017 15:24

Yes how about the scenario where HE takes the children for a week with him on holiday and you go on to your parents? Then you come back for a second week?

(waits to hear that the DH can't possibly cope with his children on his own...)

Mulledwine1 · 01/07/2017 15:26

Could you do 10 days at your parents and 4 days somewhere else on the way back?

barrygetamoveonplease · 01/07/2017 15:31

Go to your parents, with the children, for two weeks. You are desperate for the break. You will still be responsible for all the work when your brief holiday is over. You need a small time to recuperate.

Let the husband go where he likes. If the relationship is coming to an end, let it. You've got too much on to worry about that. If he wants it to continue, he'll find a way to be involved in what you and the dc are doing.

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2017 15:34

Is it just me that thinks it would be even more stressful for the OP to go for some of the time to her parents and then meet her DH somewhere else for a few days?

It won't kill her DH to not have a family 'holiday' for once. He chose to go away for a fortnight on his own leaving the OP to cope on her own.

She needs the break. She should go to her parents.