aibu to want go to family instead of holiday

[mugc4ke]

DH works full time. I work 22.5h over 5 days.
2 DS (DS2 with a rare chromosome disorder and severe learning difficulties).

I want to see my parents during the summer for 2 weeks instead of going on a holiday. My family lives at the other end of the UK and cannot help on a regular basis but are very helpful with the DC when I am there. It is my only option to get a 'break'.
We do not get help locally, no respite and I work when the DC are in school. As said, DS2 has very complex needs and it is incredibly tough day in day out. The relentlessness of it is making me ill.

DH's family live in Europe. He visited them this spring for 2 weeks. Parents are elderly and stuff needed to be sorted at home - so not a classic holiday but time back home and he didn't even take the DC which makes it actually really easy.

we wanted to initially rent a caravan and have a cheap holiday but I am breaking under the working/caring/housework strain and decided to take the DC to my family so they can help with the DC, esp DS2 whilst I put my legs up. 2 weeks of no cooking, cleaning, washing and having somebody to take the DC off me so I can sleep. this is all I want.

DH and my family don't rub along well so he would not come along.

He is now angry with me for on effect cancelling the holiday. I get his point but I need this break. But then he has had a holiday at his parents already.

I am really not sure who is unreasonable. I dont see things very clearly and need some perspective.

[JaniceBattersby]

Can't you go and see your family for a week in your own, let your husband look after the children, and then have a week away all together in a caravan?

[Babbaganush]

OP - You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!!!
I have a child with special needs, I don't work, I have family support close at hand and a hands on dh who is home from work by 5pm most nights. I don't know how you do it!!!
You need to take whatever support is necessary or you will break down yourself, if that means 2 weeks with your mum then take it and don't let dh make you feel guilty.
Does he ever have the children alone for a weekend to give you a break? He needs to understand how much pressure you are under.

[BeepBeepMOVE]

It does seem a bit mean to cancel the family holiday. Yes he had a trip home but I'm guessing if you'd have said that meant no actual holiday he would've changed plans.

Can't you drop the kids at parents and then go away with DH?

[mickeysminnie]

Can you go for a long weekend to your parents by yourself and then co.e back and have a family holiday?

[RandomMess]

YANBU

You need to REALLY spell it out to him that either you get breaks from the DC provided either by him or your family or you can't carry on working as you are at breaking point. He clearly doesn't get it. Yes he can be disappointed at you effectively cancelling but a "family holiday" is probably more work for you than staying at home for 2 weeks!

[numbmum83]

Would your parents have DC whilst you have a couple of nights away with DH? He could come down local to your parents for the last few days and you go off and Stay somewhere and pick up DC on way home ?

[RandomMess]

The compromise could be that your DH comes up (somehow - train/fly?)) for a few days at some point and either they all tolerate each other or you and DH have a few days out together or something.

[S0dabread]

So difficult. Can you take some carers leave or unpaid leave or build up some flexibility time / lieu time ? Sounds like you really need the break. Sounds like it all hinges on you so your wellbeing is paramount. Does your husband understand how much you need this break ? To be honest his earlier trip is a red herring here and is muddying the water. In my opinion this a conversation about support and your well being - not holidays. I really hope you can resolve and get the rest you need. Holiday another time !

[TheBakeryQueen]

Anyone who says you're being unreasonable clearly has no empathy whatsoever for your situation.

If it's all so easy then your husband can have the kids while you go and visit your parents, what's good for the goose.....

[TheBakeryQueen]

And furthermore, no-one could cope with that level of relentless work, childcare, housework with little help and no break. You need a break. It won't do anyone any good if you have a breakdown. Your health is equally as important as everyone else's and that includes mental health.

Put your foot down. It's as much for them as it is for you. A rested parent is a better parent and that's a fact.

[AceholeRimmer]

I don't understand most of these replies. You have a hard life and need some rest before you break, YANBU at all. Why doesn't your DH see this? Most mums in your case don't work and still have it tough.

[temporarilyjerry]

HE doesn't get on with your parents, HE can't cope with DS2, HE wants a family holiday (which is no holiday for you), HE seems to be making your life even more difficult. YANBU.

[fishfingerman307]

I've no experience of children with special needs, am usually one to say the part-timer needs to pick up the slack and working full time isn't easy you know - but I definitely don't think YABU.

Christ, he's had a two week break from the children and however much it wasn't a 'holiday', it was a BREAK. You need one. Desperately by the sound of it.

I wouldn't compromise on the length on the stay at your parents either. Once you've factored in a long journey and the packing and organising (I'm guessing that falls to you), you need to make it worthwhile. Definitely think this is one where he has to take one for the team and either goes off on a holiday while you're away, or perhaps comes up for a few days to spend with you.

Or he could save his leave for things like inset days and do nice things with the DC for shorter periods?

Either way, I really do hope you get the break you need

[StaplesCorner]

How is it a family holiday? If OP goes to a caravan with both children and her DH, how on earth is that any sort of "holiday" for her?!

DH should jump at the chance to give his wife this rest, after he had 2 weeks completely alone with his parents - I think those that are sympathising with the DH either have no experience of caring for a child with additional needs or assume that he does all the work whilst OP sits down with a nice cup of tea all day - ridiculous.

[AtSea1979]

Who looks after your DC in the school holidays?
Could your parents not visit you and look after DC so you are not using your annual leave?

[redshoeblueshoe]

Your DH needs to work out how he can be civil to your DP's for 2 weeks, and how to look after his DS.
YANBU

[DavidPuddy]

I don't think yabu in these circumstances.

[Bunbunbunny]

YANBU I really feel you, what was his consideration of you when he went to see his family? Your DH doesn't seem to understand how much you need a real break, you need a rest happy mum means happy children and if you're at breaking point it's not going to help anyone.

Is there no local support you can look into as sounds like you have no rest bite. Go and see your family

[TeacupDrama]

Could you go for 10 days and stop halfway on return journey so DH can join you for 4 day family holiday if you have 2 weeks off this is often 3 weekends so go to parents Saturday to a week Wednesday then Wednesday to Saturday with DH and Sunday at home to unpack laundry with proviso that DH helps you have a day off a month respite for the following year so next year you can have a family holiday

[Apairofsparklingeyes]

YANBU

The only way you should agree to a caravan holiday is if DH does ALL the cooking, laundry, childcare etc so that you can have a complete rest. Will he agree to do everything (including lie ins) so you get a proper break? Could you go away to your parents alone for a few days while he looks after your DC?

Many people in your situation would not be working and would still find it hard to cope.

[CheeseCrackersAndWine]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your DH needs to put your health & mental wellbeing before a holiday. There will be other times to go away. I work 32 hours over 4 days, have an NT 8 year old, and an almost 2 year old with special needs. I also have family support close by and I am knackered & constantly feel harassed juggling after school activities, work, the house & the constant stream of appointments for our youngest. My DH is also around much earlier in the evening which in my opinion, is the hardest part of the day. He needs to support you more on a day to day basis or accept that at time, you need to go visit your parents for a break.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

OP, do not go back to the drawing board, go to your parents house, for the full to weeks. You need a break Sweet.
Your DH has had a break already, if he wants to go and visit his parents again, fine, stick to your guns, it's your only opportunity.💐

[ShoesHaveSouls]

YADNBU OP - sounds like you are exhausted and need some time to recharge.

I know from experience that holidays in caravans with DC are lovely, but not restful.

Please put yourself first.

[GreenTulips]

I think you need to tell him this is what you intend to do - you need a break and your family offer you that time.
I agree you could sneak in a mini break to Spain whilst your parents have DC

Is it possible to drop the kids to your parents for 2 weeks (meet mid way) and you return home for work and then join then for a week and then go to a caravan? There are other options - but YANBU

[rookiemere]

So the fair solution is that you go down to visit your parents without DC or DH whilst he looks after them and then you have a family holiday.

Or you all go down to your parents and could you leave the DCs for a couple of days whilst you and DH have a few days together - even two nights would be a complete break for both of you and a nice compromise.