aibu to want go to family instead of holiday

[mugc4ke]

DH works full time. I work 22.5h over 5 days.
2 DS (DS2 with a rare chromosome disorder and severe learning difficulties).

I want to see my parents during the summer for 2 weeks instead of going on a holiday. My family lives at the other end of the UK and cannot help on a regular basis but are very helpful with the DC when I am there. It is my only option to get a 'break'.
We do not get help locally, no respite and I work when the DC are in school. As said, DS2 has very complex needs and it is incredibly tough day in day out. The relentlessness of it is making me ill.

DH's family live in Europe. He visited them this spring for 2 weeks. Parents are elderly and stuff needed to be sorted at home - so not a classic holiday but time back home and he didn't even take the DC which makes it actually really easy.

we wanted to initially rent a caravan and have a cheap holiday but I am breaking under the working/caring/housework strain and decided to take the DC to my family so they can help with the DC, esp DS2 whilst I put my legs up. 2 weeks of no cooking, cleaning, washing and having somebody to take the DC off me so I can sleep. this is all I want.

DH and my family don't rub along well so he would not come along.

He is now angry with me for on effect cancelling the holiday. I get his point but I need this break. But then he has had a holiday at his parents already.

I am really not sure who is unreasonable. I dont see things very clearly and need some perspective.

[Sunshinegirls]

for you. Your life sounds tough. Would your family look after the DC's while you and DH have a couple of nights together near them while you are there?

[Rhubarbginisnotasin]

I have disabled child OP and you are not being unreasonable in wanting to go to your mum for a holiday that will also be break for you.

[LakieLady]

YANBU. It would serve him right if you went to your parents alone for a 2-week break while he spent 2 weeks caring for the children alone.

Have you had a carer's assessment done by social services? I'm amazed you're not entitled to some respite care.

[DirtyChaiLatte]

YANBU

You sound like you're exhausted and need a break and help. I'd find it very hurtful in the same circumstances if my DH couldn't /wouldn't understand why I need help from my family.

Maybe it's understandable why he's disappointed, but I think your need trumps his want.

[emmyrose2000]

YANBU!

My goodness, if anyone needs a break, it certainly sounds like you do.

It seems to be all about what HE wants though, doesn't it? HE got a break abroad, WITHOUT the DC, for two weeks and yet denies you a similar time away, but WITH the DC? So it's not as if you'll get a total break at all.

He wants to deny you this time away because HE can't get on with your parents.

Stuff him! Go and stay with your parents for the two full weeks and maybe think about whether you actually want to go back to him after that.

Alternatively, tell him he can have his two week caravan holiday - but with the DC, while you stay home (or go elsewhere) and have a real break for a change.

[AndNowItIsSeven]

I have three disabled dc, you are definitely not being unreasonable.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It really is all about HIM, isn't it? Do what you need to do to be able to continue to function. Sometimes we believe something is possible, when in reality it is not. If he wants the holiday, he needs to earn the ability to have one. By proving to you he can give you proper respite. As is, he is painfully inadequate.

[heron98]

Can you to your parents with the disabled son whilst your husband tajes the other one to a caravan?

[Cupoteap]

I don't think you are being in reasonable tbh go to you parents. I don't know whic of them have problems with the other but couldn't they play nicely even if do came up for a long weekend in the middle?

[Suntrapped]

I think you're being a bit U. You said DH and your parents don't get on. So for him it won't be a break at all, but something to endure. Presumably he needs a break too? Taking care of his elderly parents isn't the same as being looked after for 2 weeks. Also, when you stay with your parents does your DH help them with cooking, cleaning, childcare or does he get to put his feet up too?

I think you need to find a compromise. Can you take kids to your parents for a couple of weeks without him?

I realise you need a break but I don't think it's fair to take away his chance of a break too. Why not stay in a hotel near your parents, so it feels more like a rest for both of you, and he has his own space.

[mugc4ke]

thanks all. We are looking into some middle way options.

Have you had a carer's assessment done by social services? I'm amazed you're not entitled to some respite care
No I haven't. I have been turned down. I know I am legally entitled to a carers assessment and that my LA should not refuse but I have no time and energy to fight them.

Suntrapped
sorting things in his parents place is not the same as working and caring for a disabled child Also, he went to his parents without the DC.I had them alone this fortnight. His parents are not I'll or bedridden. He did not 'care' for them but other things needed sorting
If I were to go to my parents, DH would not come as they don't get along but he would get 2 weeks all by himself as he cannot look after DS2 (he doesn't cope with him) whilst I never get the option to say, oh, I don't cope. I just have to suck it up. All the time. I have not s single night been away from DS2. DH has.

[Fairylea]

I think (aside from the holiday issue) you have a dh problem. If he can't cope with looking after your dc so you can get a proper break then that is as much of an issue as the holiday itself.

[liquidrevolution]

I think your dh is being a twat. He had 2 weeks so you get two weeks.

Even with a non soecial needs child i find holidays exhausting so much prefer going to my mums.

[theboud]

I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread!

I work with children who have special needs. It is wonderful but deeply exhausting both physically and mentally; like many other posters I think you should take 2 weeks with your parents this year just to recuperate. It may give you a bit of time to think through how your workload could be eased over the next 6 months and your DH could do the same while he is at home.

You need a more sustainable strategy and however difficult he finds it to care for DS2 he will need to overcome that, as you have, so that there is some back up. What would he do if you unexpectedly fell ill for example?

As for all the posters telling you that 8 hours on a train is totally fine or why don't you just take unpaid leave I'm not sure what reality they live in! It sounds like you're doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances, best of luck.

[Crumbs1]

You need to get him to take on local authority and get a careers assessment so you get respite. Or you need to find the energy.
Have you considered residential schooling? Had to get funding these days but not impossible.
If your child's condition is life limiting then consider asking your GP for a referral to local children's hospice. Do you have a babysitter who could do a few hours to give you a break?
Ask your husband to give you some time off from your disabled child- even a few hours every other weekend might help.
Then holiday wise, a caravan is going to be a nightmare with three children including a disabled one. Could you manage a cottage with more space? Agree to go but only if there is a rota in place that ensures a break for you both. Alternate day lie ins until 10am, alternate children's bedtime, take in turns to cook/wash up. Agree three nights minimum eating out - even if it's fish and chips. One day off each during holiday. You might find he suddenly finds your parents a more attractive option.

[Frazzled2207]

Yadnbu. However neither is your husband.

Would it be an option to find a caravan site near you parents house and you spend one week with them and another week "em famille" during which week they could help a bit?

Take it you've looked into respite help at home and it's not doable? Sounds like a v tough situation, I'm sorry

[TheBakeryQueen]

Op that would be a deal breaker for me, he does not get to opt out of the care for dc2. It's not a choice for you is it? So why does he get to choose what he can and cannot cope with?

What if you were taken ill and he had to step up? It would be a nightmare. He needs to learn how to care for dc2 now. Things cannot continue like this indefinitely- what kind of life is that for you?

Divorce would be easier for you as you would get a break when he had the children. When it gets to this point then you know something is seriously wrong.

I'm not surprised he doesn't get along with your parents- if you were my daughter and I was aware of how he 'couldn't cope' with dc2 leaving it all to you then I don't think I'd get along with him either. He sounds really selfish.

[laundryelf]

Can't believe how harsh some responses are, go to your parents this year, you need the break.
Could your DH stay somewhere close by and take kids out one at a time to help? Would your parents look after both children while you had a night out with DH?
If you don't get a break, you risk making yourself ill and then DH will have to cope alone, so explain to him that you are doing the best thing for your family.

[TheBakeryQueen]

Your parents can cope with both children but their dad can't.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I'm not surprised he doesn't get along with your parents- if you were my daughter and I and I was aware of how he 'couldn't cope' with dc2 leaving it all to you then I don't think I'd get along with him either.


This with bells on.

[Funnyface1]

I think your need for a break so you can cope is more important than your dh fancying a holiday. Unless he would be doing the majority of the childcare on the holiday then you wouldn't really be getting the break you need. Perhaps he doesn't understand how important it is to you. It sounds like an amazing opportunity to recharge your batteries when you are being offered no extra help from any of the appropriate resources.

I would go to your parents. If you want to compromise book something near your parents for the second week.

[Maxandrubyrubyandmax]

This is so complex. I can totally get ur DH point I'd hate tge thought of spending my 2 week holiday with Mil and would probably end in divorce. All families need time together to bond and you have unilaterally decided it's not going to happen. But this, is I suspect, tge straw that broke the camels back. He doesn't sound engaged with helping you look after the DC. This needs to change and a frank discussion (possibly with the help of s third party). In the short term perhaps one week with parents and one week holiday close by? Medium term you must have some childcare if you are working the rest of the holidays- try and extend this to give yourself a break. Long term you need to get addition support. Can a friend, school, social services help you? I bet people on the SN forum would offer great advice on this. But you can't allow things to carry on, the whole family sounds at breaking point big hugs hope this get sorted!

[emmyrose2000]

he cannot look after DS2 (he doesn't cope with him) whilst I never get the option to say, oh, I don't cope. I just have to suck it up. All the time. I have not s single night been away from DS2. DH has

I don't even know what to say to this.

Your DH is CHOOSING not to 'cope' or deal with his own child. No one knows how to deal with/cope with their child until they arrive, but most parents manage to figure it out. If my partner chose not to cope with his own child, I'd kick him out, as it'd be one less hassle to deal with.

[TrueLove83]

YANBU!!!

You deserve a break more than him!! You do so much more and more of the emotionally difficult work!!

I feel your pain and exhaustion from your words OP.

Is there no overnight respite available? Anywhere you can send DS2?

I know you said you haven't got the strength to fight social services but I think you must.

for you OP go to your parents your DH has to understand how close to breaking point you are.

[junebirthdaygirl]

He needs to understad that going to your dps is not a holiday as such but respite for you. You have to go or your health will break down. Could he come down for two days and both of ye go alone to a hotel nearby. Its brilliant your dps are so supportive and he is being totally unreasonable if he doesnt see that. Maybe he needs to be left alone more with dcs so he appreciates just how much you need a break..just go.