aibu to want go to family instead of holiday

[mugc4ke]

DH works full time. I work 22.5h over 5 days.
2 DS (DS2 with a rare chromosome disorder and severe learning difficulties).

I want to see my parents during the summer for 2 weeks instead of going on a holiday. My family lives at the other end of the UK and cannot help on a regular basis but are very helpful with the DC when I am there. It is my only option to get a 'break'.
We do not get help locally, no respite and I work when the DC are in school. As said, DS2 has very complex needs and it is incredibly tough day in day out. The relentlessness of it is making me ill.

DH's family live in Europe. He visited them this spring for 2 weeks. Parents are elderly and stuff needed to be sorted at home - so not a classic holiday but time back home and he didn't even take the DC which makes it actually really easy.

we wanted to initially rent a caravan and have a cheap holiday but I am breaking under the working/caring/housework strain and decided to take the DC to my family so they can help with the DC, esp DS2 whilst I put my legs up. 2 weeks of no cooking, cleaning, washing and having somebody to take the DC off me so I can sleep. this is all I want.

DH and my family don't rub along well so he would not come along.

He is now angry with me for on effect cancelling the holiday. I get his point but I need this break. But then he has had a holiday at his parents already.

I am really not sure who is unreasonable. I dont see things very clearly and need some perspective.

[FeralBeryl]

From a different angle - I think longer term you need to be collectively working out the issues between DH and your DF.
You need support. For them to both stand with their arms folded sulking whilst you sink further into exhausted despair is not fucking ok.
This holiday wouldn't be an issue if you could get this corrected. Life would be (even slightly) easier for you.
**obviously dependant on fallout reasons

[rookiemere]

Also thinking about it why did your DH go for a fortnight to visit his DPs?
Surely a week is long enough to sort most things out when you have a DC needing complex and demanding care.

What's the main issue about doing both things - the visit to your parents and the caravan holidays? If it's lack of annual leave then see above, if it's money then I think their must be some compromise to be found.

[PotteringAlong]

Can your DH and DP not man up and get on with it for a couple of weeks?

[mugc4ke]

thanks all. there were a few middle way solutions in the posts I hadn't considered.

It is tough for me but it isn't all easy for DH either. Shame there is so little support for families like us out there. I talk to DH about a few of the ideas mentioned.

[MaverickSnoopy]

Could you either:

1. Go to your parents for one week and then family holiday for one week
   
   Or
   
   
2. see your parents for 2 weeks and then have a long weekend away in a caravan, if you book Friday off before the bank holiday weekend that might work?
   
   I can see both points of view but sort of think it would be better for everyone to fit both in somehow and both compromise on what you thought it would be like.

[mugc4ke]

rookie

he had to go home for 2 weeks. There were a few issues that needed sorting. It is sometimes tough also with elderly and frail parents esp if they live in another country.

our main issue is lack of annual leave esp as we need to always keep days for hospital appointments with DS2 . We are not well off by any means but we can afford a caravan holiday without breaking the bank.

[StaplesCorner]

Those of you suggesting travelling to and fro having a few days here and then a few days there, again I think that would be very stressful for OP.

I like the idea that her DH has the DCs and OP goes to her parents!

[Puffpaw]

Can you afford to take two weeks parental leave on top of you annual leave, have two weeks on your own with family and two weeks with dh and dc away?
You are entitled to parental leave for up to twelve weeks.

[Greggers2017]

There's nowhere in the UK that is too far to travel to and back in one week.
You sound like you need to get social services involved for extra support. You're clearly not coping

[elfies]

I know I'm coming up with yet another problem rather than a solution , but who's to say the grandparents can cope with the children for a few days if their own father can't .
If the grandparents are tired and stressed looking after the children and fall ill , then that's yet another long term problem.
I'm sorry , your husband obviously recognises that HIS parents aren't too well , so why can't he see that yours aren't so young either ,and either visit them with you, or look after them while you get a break as he did

[Puffpaw]

Sorry it's 4 weeks per year, total of 18 weeks until the child's 18.
www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Who looks after your children whilst you work?

I think long term you need help. Not just from your dh.
Could dh if he isn't forthcoming in helping out so much with your ds, take on another job so you could pay for child care like a live in nanny or someone who could come in the evenings to help out or even just as a start a cleaner and internet shopping.

[elfies]

(Sorry , missed a bit )and look after the children while you get a break as he did .

[Sirzy]

I assume your claiming DLA and everything else your entitled too?

[BewareOfDragons]

I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP. Your DH's idea of a 'holiday' doesn't sound like much of a holiday for you.

Perhaps he could take the children on his own in a caravan for a week while you take a week to yourself or visit your parents, and then you could join them for the second week.

[missiondecision]

HE has a break for two weeks already.
I'm going against the majority I know, however you are breaking my point. Your parents are a solution to fixing that, he should be supporting you to support your children.

[mugc4ke]

greggers

with all due respect - if you have no idea what it involved if doing 8.5h train journey with a child with very complex needs, you shouldn't post on such threads.

Of course one can get there and back home in a week but it isn't always that straight forward and easy.

It isn't that I haven't ask for SS support. But the thresholds for respite are sky high. You seem to think that support for children with SN and their parents is readily available.

[GreenTulips]

Funny enough my DH would never take the kids to his parents alone - doesn't even cross his mind to do so- he should've been able to take the kids and help his parents -

Stuck to your guns and tell him straight - because of you divorce he will have them 50/50 - so he needs to step up

[craftsy]

No fuck that. You aren't even being a tiny bit unreasonable. You need to take care of yourself. Take your two weeks at your parents' house. You need the respite. A week in a caravan would actually be sheer hell for you. I enjoy camping but I have recently returned from a weekend of camping with my 1 healthy 4yo and my parents. And I was exhausted for days afterwards. Holidays with kids are a lot of work and self-catering means that you have to do the same amount of housework as normal. Except it's a caravan, with all sorts of temporary surfaces and couches that need to be turned into beds at night and back again every morning. And your living space is tiny and if it's at all hot, the caravan turns into a sweat lodge.

That type of holiday with children is physically draining. And while normally I'm the type of parent who feels it's worth the exhaustion for your child's happiness and excitement. If I was at absolute breaking point and never got a rest, the last thing I would do is take on that sort of additional strain instead when I could be spending any and all of those days gaining respite.

[Allthebubbles]

Go to your parents. You need to make yourself the priority here.
Hope it all works out.

[Xmasbaby11]

Yanbu and you should go to your parents for the full fortnight. 100%.

[Nospringflower]

I dont think you are being at all unreasonable but think your husband is.

You need a break. He has had one.

[Borangeisthenneworange]

YADNBU in my opinion. He had two weeks with his parents and you need two weeks with yours. If you do this it means holidays this year are "even" as you both spent two weeks with your parents. He did a bit of work whilst there but you are taking all the kids. I'd call that fair personally.

I would go and get the respite you desperately need and then look to make compromises next year. It's not your fault that he doesn't get on with your parents. Their relationship is not your responsibility but it is what prevents either your parents coming to stay with you or all of you taking a break near your parents together.

I would look next year at taking the money from both trips you did this year and investing in an all inclusive holiday so you still get respite from cooking and cleaning and your DH steps up to share care of your son. A family holiday that doesn't involve still having to cook and clean is what you need.

[Greggers2017]

Actually I do. My son has severe autism so please don't assume. 7.5 hours is do able. Everything is if you want to do it.

[Fairylea]

Op I know this isn't the point of the thread but are you claiming dla and carers allowance? If you can't claim carers because of working have you gone onto "entitled to" benefit calculator and put in a hypothetical anonymous scenario as if you didn't work and see what benefits you might get if you don't work?

We have a severely disabled 5 year old. I used to be a senior marketing manager but didn't return to work after having ds. There was just no way I could cope. We manage on dhs low ish wage job and benefits. (Dh has better health than me so kept his job).

We get a haven break every year courtesy of family fund charity who support children with complex needs. This might be something you might be eligible for depending on income and your child's severity of need. Worth a google.

You need a break. I don't think you're being unreasonable. I do feel for your dh too though, I wouldn't want to spend two weeks with my in laws either.