aibu to want go to family instead of holiday

[mugc4ke]

DH works full time. I work 22.5h over 5 days.
2 DS (DS2 with a rare chromosome disorder and severe learning difficulties).

I want to see my parents during the summer for 2 weeks instead of going on a holiday. My family lives at the other end of the UK and cannot help on a regular basis but are very helpful with the DC when I am there. It is my only option to get a 'break'.
We do not get help locally, no respite and I work when the DC are in school. As said, DS2 has very complex needs and it is incredibly tough day in day out. The relentlessness of it is making me ill.

DH's family live in Europe. He visited them this spring for 2 weeks. Parents are elderly and stuff needed to be sorted at home - so not a classic holiday but time back home and he didn't even take the DC which makes it actually really easy.

we wanted to initially rent a caravan and have a cheap holiday but I am breaking under the working/caring/housework strain and decided to take the DC to my family so they can help with the DC, esp DS2 whilst I put my legs up. 2 weeks of no cooking, cleaning, washing and having somebody to take the DC off me so I can sleep. this is all I want.

DH and my family don't rub along well so he would not come along.

He is now angry with me for on effect cancelling the holiday. I get his point but I need this break. But then he has had a holiday at his parents already.

I am really not sure who is unreasonable. I dont see things very clearly and need some perspective.

[NoSquirrels]

I'm not surprised he doesn't get along with your parents- if you were my daughter and I and I was aware of how he 'couldn't cope' with dc2 leaving it all to you then I don't think I'd get along with him either.

^^
This with bells on.

^^YY

[llangennith]

Go to your parents' and have your break! YANBU at all so just go and don't feel even a tiny bit guilty. Your DH is being very selfish.
As regards the caravan, it wouldn't be any kind of holiday with a child with complex SN.
On a broader note, you need to take time out for yourself to make damn sure your DH learns how to look after all his children and how challenging that is.

[juneau]

YANBU at all! I can't believe all the posters, most of whom had clearly not read your OP properly, berating you for being unreasonable. Your DH has already had two weeks on his own with his parents and without your DC and he now resents you taking the DC (note: TAKING THE DC, thereby giving him ANOTHER two weeks to himself), to your parents so YOU can get a break.

Please OP do what you need to do. Trying to cope with a severely disabled DC in a caravan sounds hideous to me and like even more work than your already stressful life at home. FFS, it is okay to put yourself first sometimes. TBH, you deserve two weeks off WITHOUT THE DC. Perhaps he could take them to the caravan on his own while you go to your parents' place and sleep!

[LadySpratt]

You are exhausted and you recognise it, yet are almost talking yourself out doing anything about it. NO! Please recognise that you need a break in order for things to function properly.
Your husband was away without children, but dedicated to his elderly parents. I wouldn't call that a true break if he was really sorting things out for them.
However is there really an argument that you shouldn't have a break for the sake of your family's overall health?
Let him continue at work whilst you go to your parents and use another time in the year to go away as a family.
Please look after yourself, you hold the family together and they need you well.

[BewareOfDragons]

He can't cope?

No. He refused to parent his child on his own as he should.

I would pack your bags and that him that you are having a week off and he is taking care of his own children. He can take them on holiday, as he has said he wanted to go, or he can stay home with them to do it, because at least all their things are there.

But you definitely need to force him to step up. He is being grossly unfair to you by refusing to do his share of looking after his own children on his own.

[rightwhine]

Tell him you need a break and rest. Ask him to arrange that in any way he likes. See if he can come yup with a better plan. The onus is then on him.
Obviously he won't be able to therefore you can revert to plan A.

[Ylvamoon]

Just go! He has already seen his parents, now it's your turn.

(As a compromise, you could rent a caravan near your parents- not an option for him? Well though!)

[rightwhine]

Surely he spent 2 weeks of his annual leave with his parents. You can do the same.
Then spend more of your annual leave on holiday together. If you can't do this why have you already used up more AL than your DH?

If it's because of appointments etc then he needs to step up next year if he wants a holiday together.

[DaddyPigsLoveSlave]

As the parent of a child with complex needs, I say YANBU. At. All. He's had his break - now you need yours, ideally without the children. In a perfect world, it would be great if you were able to take a holiday all together this year, but that's not an option - partly because he spent two weeks alone with his parents. He really should be thinking of you and your wellbeing now.

[swingofthings]

There are two issues here, the fact that you need a break as a proper holiday, and the fact that you had made plans and you are now saying you want to change them.

The first is totally reasonable. You do need a break and if that's the best you're going to get, than it is something he needs to understand.

However, changing plans, when you got yourself excited at the prospect is not reasonable. I would quite annoyed to if having plan something with my OH, started to get excited about it and counting the day, to then be told that he didn't want to go ahead with this and instead, wanted to do something that was a chore to me would made me very annoyed too.

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

Some parents do struggle to cope with a disabled or special needs child. I guess with him working so many hours he hasn't had a chance to cope and has got into the routine of you doing things. I'm fortunate that both me and partner deal with our youngest but there is days where I cannot cope and he picks up all of the slack (we both don't work at the moment).

To understand more can I ask why he doesn't cope? You are being quite vague about that and I feel like more information (if able to be given) would help to understand why.
You do need to sit and talk and explain how you feel if you haven't already done so, possibly just deciding what you want to do without actually talking to him could have made him upset with you but he needs to understand why you need the break, and if being at your parents gives you that break then he needs to get on board with that, but talk more in the future.

[TheBoyWhoWouldntHoeCorn]

He really should be thinking of you and your wellbeing now
This ^
You need a break OP
YANBU at all 💐