aibu to want go to family instead of holiday

[mugc4ke]

DH works full time. I work 22.5h over 5 days.
2 DS (DS2 with a rare chromosome disorder and severe learning difficulties).

I want to see my parents during the summer for 2 weeks instead of going on a holiday. My family lives at the other end of the UK and cannot help on a regular basis but are very helpful with the DC when I am there. It is my only option to get a 'break'.
We do not get help locally, no respite and I work when the DC are in school. As said, DS2 has very complex needs and it is incredibly tough day in day out. The relentlessness of it is making me ill.

DH's family live in Europe. He visited them this spring for 2 weeks. Parents are elderly and stuff needed to be sorted at home - so not a classic holiday but time back home and he didn't even take the DC which makes it actually really easy.

we wanted to initially rent a caravan and have a cheap holiday but I am breaking under the working/caring/housework strain and decided to take the DC to my family so they can help with the DC, esp DS2 whilst I put my legs up. 2 weeks of no cooking, cleaning, washing and having somebody to take the DC off me so I can sleep. this is all I want.

DH and my family don't rub along well so he would not come along.

He is now angry with me for on effect cancelling the holiday. I get his point but I need this break. But then he has had a holiday at his parents already.

I am really not sure who is unreasonable. I dont see things very clearly and need some perspective.

[TheBoyWhoWouldntHoeCorn]

He really should be thinking of you and your wellbeing now
This ^
You need a break OP
YANBU at all 💐

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

Some parents do struggle to cope with a disabled or special needs child. I guess with him working so many hours he hasn't had a chance to cope and has got into the routine of you doing things. I'm fortunate that both me and partner deal with our youngest but there is days where I cannot cope and he picks up all of the slack (we both don't work at the moment).

To understand more can I ask why he doesn't cope? You are being quite vague about that and I feel like more information (if able to be given) would help to understand why.
You do need to sit and talk and explain how you feel if you haven't already done so, possibly just deciding what you want to do without actually talking to him could have made him upset with you but he needs to understand why you need the break, and if being at your parents gives you that break then he needs to get on board with that, but talk more in the future.

[swingofthings]

There are two issues here, the fact that you need a break as a proper holiday, and the fact that you had made plans and you are now saying you want to change them.

The first is totally reasonable. You do need a break and if that's the best you're going to get, than it is something he needs to understand.

However, changing plans, when you got yourself excited at the prospect is not reasonable. I would quite annoyed to if having plan something with my OH, started to get excited about it and counting the day, to then be told that he didn't want to go ahead with this and instead, wanted to do something that was a chore to me would made me very annoyed too.

[DaddyPigsLoveSlave]

As the parent of a child with complex needs, I say YANBU. At. All. He's had his break - now you need yours, ideally without the children. In a perfect world, it would be great if you were able to take a holiday all together this year, but that's not an option - partly because he spent two weeks alone with his parents. He really should be thinking of you and your wellbeing now.

[rightwhine]

Surely he spent 2 weeks of his annual leave with his parents. You can do the same.
Then spend more of your annual leave on holiday together. If you can't do this why have you already used up more AL than your DH?

If it's because of appointments etc then he needs to step up next year if he wants a holiday together.

[Ylvamoon]

Just go! He has already seen his parents, now it's your turn.

(As a compromise, you could rent a caravan near your parents- not an option for him? Well though!)

[rightwhine]

Tell him you need a break and rest. Ask him to arrange that in any way he likes. See if he can come yup with a better plan. The onus is then on him.
Obviously he won't be able to therefore you can revert to plan A.

[BewareOfDragons]

He can't cope?

No. He refused to parent his child on his own as he should.

I would pack your bags and that him that you are having a week off and he is taking care of his own children. He can take them on holiday, as he has said he wanted to go, or he can stay home with them to do it, because at least all their things are there.

But you definitely need to force him to step up. He is being grossly unfair to you by refusing to do his share of looking after his own children on his own.

[LadySpratt]

You are exhausted and you recognise it, yet are almost talking yourself out doing anything about it. NO! Please recognise that you need a break in order for things to function properly.
Your husband was away without children, but dedicated to his elderly parents. I wouldn't call that a true break if he was really sorting things out for them.
However is there really an argument that you shouldn't have a break for the sake of your family's overall health?
Let him continue at work whilst you go to your parents and use another time in the year to go away as a family.
Please look after yourself, you hold the family together and they need you well.

[juneau]

YANBU at all! I can't believe all the posters, most of whom had clearly not read your OP properly, berating you for being unreasonable. Your DH has already had two weeks on his own with his parents and without your DC and he now resents you taking the DC (note: TAKING THE DC, thereby giving him ANOTHER two weeks to himself), to your parents so YOU can get a break.

Please OP do what you need to do. Trying to cope with a severely disabled DC in a caravan sounds hideous to me and like even more work than your already stressful life at home. FFS, it is okay to put yourself first sometimes. TBH, you deserve two weeks off WITHOUT THE DC. Perhaps he could take them to the caravan on his own while you go to your parents' place and sleep!

[llangennith]

Go to your parents' and have your break! YANBU at all so just go and don't feel even a tiny bit guilty. Your DH is being very selfish.
As regards the caravan, it wouldn't be any kind of holiday with a child with complex SN.
On a broader note, you need to take time out for yourself to make damn sure your DH learns how to look after all his children and how challenging that is.

[NoSquirrels]

I'm not surprised he doesn't get along with your parents- if you were my daughter and I and I was aware of how he 'couldn't cope' with dc2 leaving it all to you then I don't think I'd get along with him either.

^^
This with bells on.

^^YY

[junebirthdaygirl]

He needs to understad that going to your dps is not a holiday as such but respite for you. You have to go or your health will break down. Could he come down for two days and both of ye go alone to a hotel nearby. Its brilliant your dps are so supportive and he is being totally unreasonable if he doesnt see that. Maybe he needs to be left alone more with dcs so he appreciates just how much you need a break..just go.

[TrueLove83]

YANBU!!!

You deserve a break more than him!! You do so much more and more of the emotionally difficult work!!

I feel your pain and exhaustion from your words OP.

Is there no overnight respite available? Anywhere you can send DS2?

I know you said you haven't got the strength to fight social services but I think you must.

for you OP go to your parents your DH has to understand how close to breaking point you are.

[emmyrose2000]

he cannot look after DS2 (he doesn't cope with him) whilst I never get the option to say, oh, I don't cope. I just have to suck it up. All the time. I have not s single night been away from DS2. DH has

I don't even know what to say to this.

Your DH is CHOOSING not to 'cope' or deal with his own child. No one knows how to deal with/cope with their child until they arrive, but most parents manage to figure it out. If my partner chose not to cope with his own child, I'd kick him out, as it'd be one less hassle to deal with.

[Maxandrubyrubyandmax]

This is so complex. I can totally get ur DH point I'd hate tge thought of spending my 2 week holiday with Mil and would probably end in divorce. All families need time together to bond and you have unilaterally decided it's not going to happen. But this, is I suspect, tge straw that broke the camels back. He doesn't sound engaged with helping you look after the DC. This needs to change and a frank discussion (possibly with the help of s third party). In the short term perhaps one week with parents and one week holiday close by? Medium term you must have some childcare if you are working the rest of the holidays- try and extend this to give yourself a break. Long term you need to get addition support. Can a friend, school, social services help you? I bet people on the SN forum would offer great advice on this. But you can't allow things to carry on, the whole family sounds at breaking point big hugs hope this get sorted!

[Funnyface1]

I think your need for a break so you can cope is more important than your dh fancying a holiday. Unless he would be doing the majority of the childcare on the holiday then you wouldn't really be getting the break you need. Perhaps he doesn't understand how important it is to you. It sounds like an amazing opportunity to recharge your batteries when you are being offered no extra help from any of the appropriate resources.

I would go to your parents. If you want to compromise book something near your parents for the second week.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I'm not surprised he doesn't get along with your parents- if you were my daughter and I and I was aware of how he 'couldn't cope' with dc2 leaving it all to you then I don't think I'd get along with him either.


This with bells on.

[TheBakeryQueen]

Your parents can cope with both children but their dad can't.

[laundryelf]

Can't believe how harsh some responses are, go to your parents this year, you need the break.
Could your DH stay somewhere close by and take kids out one at a time to help? Would your parents look after both children while you had a night out with DH?
If you don't get a break, you risk making yourself ill and then DH will have to cope alone, so explain to him that you are doing the best thing for your family.

[TheBakeryQueen]

Op that would be a deal breaker for me, he does not get to opt out of the care for dc2. It's not a choice for you is it? So why does he get to choose what he can and cannot cope with?

What if you were taken ill and he had to step up? It would be a nightmare. He needs to learn how to care for dc2 now. Things cannot continue like this indefinitely- what kind of life is that for you?

Divorce would be easier for you as you would get a break when he had the children. When it gets to this point then you know something is seriously wrong.

I'm not surprised he doesn't get along with your parents- if you were my daughter and I was aware of how he 'couldn't cope' with dc2 leaving it all to you then I don't think I'd get along with him either. He sounds really selfish.

[Frazzled2207]

Yadnbu. However neither is your husband.

Would it be an option to find a caravan site near you parents house and you spend one week with them and another week "em famille" during which week they could help a bit?

Take it you've looked into respite help at home and it's not doable? Sounds like a v tough situation, I'm sorry

[Crumbs1]

You need to get him to take on local authority and get a careers assessment so you get respite. Or you need to find the energy.
Have you considered residential schooling? Had to get funding these days but not impossible.
If your child's condition is life limiting then consider asking your GP for a referral to local children's hospice. Do you have a babysitter who could do a few hours to give you a break?
Ask your husband to give you some time off from your disabled child- even a few hours every other weekend might help.
Then holiday wise, a caravan is going to be a nightmare with three children including a disabled one. Could you manage a cottage with more space? Agree to go but only if there is a rota in place that ensures a break for you both. Alternate day lie ins until 10am, alternate children's bedtime, take in turns to cook/wash up. Agree three nights minimum eating out - even if it's fish and chips. One day off each during holiday. You might find he suddenly finds your parents a more attractive option.

[theboud]

I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread!

I work with children who have special needs. It is wonderful but deeply exhausting both physically and mentally; like many other posters I think you should take 2 weeks with your parents this year just to recuperate. It may give you a bit of time to think through how your workload could be eased over the next 6 months and your DH could do the same while he is at home.

You need a more sustainable strategy and however difficult he finds it to care for DS2 he will need to overcome that, as you have, so that there is some back up. What would he do if you unexpectedly fell ill for example?

As for all the posters telling you that 8 hours on a train is totally fine or why don't you just take unpaid leave I'm not sure what reality they live in! It sounds like you're doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances, best of luck.

[liquidrevolution]

I think your dh is being a twat. He had 2 weeks so you get two weeks.

Even with a non soecial needs child i find holidays exhausting so much prefer going to my mums.