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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a daughter so very much

471 replies

seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:14

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

OP posts:
thewavesofthesea · 30/06/2017 20:25

Writerwannabe; since having boys I have become more sporty so I can joIn in with them! I now do karate and rugby, which i really enjoy!

altiara · 30/06/2017 20:27

I desperately wanted a girl and always imagined having one daughter. When I fell pregnant we did find out the sex at the scan and I was relieved as I was having a girl. Then I went in to ruin the 'dream' by having another child. But I wanted my DD to have a sibling more than I wanted my imaginary life where I had one DD. I had a DS who I adore. So I think what I'm trying to say is you can't argue common sense when you're talking about someone's dream or imagination. They may already know what you're saying e.g. You'll love any baby when they arrive. It's a bit like when you're broody, I was desperate for a baby when I was 24, i didn't have a boyfriend, had just started a new job, just moved out into a new flat. But v broody after girl at work fell pregnant. Can't argue with hormones, They were v jealous and insane!

YellowCushions · 30/06/2017 20:29

I would hate to have a son based on what I read on MN. You would think MiL were the devil incarnate. Even as much as wanting to buy something for a new baby is seen as a horrific crime! When I read MiL posts o ofte. Wonder how it would be different if it was DM and not MiL.

RibenaMonsoon · 30/06/2017 20:29

I love my DS dearly and if we had another I'd like a girl but another boy may be better for DS as he's likely to have more in common with his sibling. That's how I look at it now.

So I've gone from wanting a girl, to not minding at all.

Notonthestairs · 30/06/2017 20:32

I think the overall message is no, YANBU. However TTC now is probably a bad idea (depending on your age possibly) as you'll be on tenterhooks for 20 weeks waiting to find out the sex and possibly by waiting a bit longer you may feel a bit more settled and ready to take things in your stride.
I do think boys are great, as are girls, but I've come from a position of having had fertility treatment and now have a son and a daughter (with severe SEN) so I know my feelings might be v different to your own.
Go gentle on yourself meantime.

jaynelovesagathachristie · 30/06/2017 20:37

I wanted a girl got 2 boys I'm happy obviously and tbh they get on soooo well they are little best friends at only 3 and 1, so for me I got the thing my family needed rather than what I specifically wanted it's lovely to see them together

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 30/06/2017 20:40

Being a woman for better or worse is your lived experience and having a daughter taps into that

In what way? Are you less of a woman if you only have sons?

HerRoyalNotness · 30/06/2017 20:41

My DH is very close to his mum and goes to her for advice rather than his dad. His brother is closer to their dad. My brother still speaks to our mother, I do not.

I have 2 lovely boys that are close to me. I know also have a DD and love her to bits. But when I see her, I don't see girl, I see a baby. I don't have expectations of her relationship with me and just hope that she and her DB's will be happy and look after each other once I'm gone

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/06/2017 20:41

Notknown. What you said about jealousy gave me a bit of an aha moment. My friend and I were baffled and affronted when a woman sent her a text about my dd, then 2.5. She said she was happy to have a play date with my friend and her ds so long as it was without my dd. My dd truly did nothing wrong, was kind and full of energy as ever. Now I understand why. Her sex was the problem. This mother had 2 boys. She's a competitive, jealous, strange woman and I'm convinced her reason not to be around my dd was jealousy. How strange. Needless to say, my friend ignored the text and their friendship dwindled.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 30/06/2017 20:44

Sorry to sound harsh but I feel sorry for your son, I was born the 'wrong' sex according to one of my parents and I've lived a life feeling a failure and a disappointment and I've spent a long time in therapy and don't try and claim he won't know because he bloody well will. Sad

Smitff · 30/06/2017 20:46

The internet has been one of modern life's greatest inventions specifically because otherwise unspoken things can be spoken of. I don't think the OP should chastise herself for having asked the question.

But, OP, you're evidently capable of introspection and critical thinking. You need to do a better job of getting to the bottom of why you want a daughter so much. Or maybe, why you don't want another son.

There's clearly something inside you that you are trying to fulfill, if you say you want a friend. Children aren't and shouldn't be their parents' friends in my opinion, unfashionable though that view may be these days.

More crucially, no parent should reproduce in the expectation that their progeny will be this or that. It leads to all manner of problems, some of which you read about on MN. Children are what they are despite as well as because of their parents.

2017SoFarSoGood · 30/06/2017 20:48

OP such a difficult one to get to grips with. I totally agree with all that *Fizzy" has said. And so many others. When I was told my second (and probably last) DGS was not a girl, I was inwardly crushed. I had such wishes and dreams for that little girl that never was. My DM had much better relationships with Dsis adn DS's. With my DD it has always been like oil and water, perhaps more like fire and brimstone. I've never found it very easy to make really strong female friendships although I have been very lucky to have some that were 'gifted' via other trusted relationships. I guess I had this internal longing for that one really good, strong, solid female relationship that I could do my best to make wonderful forever.

It wasn't until DGS2 was actually born that I lost that feeling. I am utterly in love wtih both DGS so no harm no foul in the long run.

But I do see where you are coming from.

Smitff · 30/06/2017 20:49

Having said all that, if you do need to go down the IVF route again, gender selection is legal in some EU countries.

GarlicAndOnions · 30/06/2017 20:55

And I'm sorry, but there aren't many 7 year old girls out there who want to play three hours of football after school and also have very full on wrestling matches. There just aren't.

Could this perhaps be because most 7 year old girls aren't introduced to such activities from a young age the same way boys are?

BadToTheBone · 30/06/2017 20:56

I have a ds and a dd, I adore them both and have a brilliant relationship with both, neither is easy and neither is hard. I feel sorry for you that you don't see the relationship you could have with your son, you get out of a child what you put in regardless of their sex. Boys are truly wonderful, I wouldn't swap mine for the world, we can talk for hours and have great fun together.

INeedANameChange · 30/06/2017 21:06

I have three boys and a girl.

The boys are all an absolute breeze. DD is fucking hard work. Independent, hormonal, stroppy nightmare. I love her, but god, you wouldn't want a daughter if you knew how obstreperous they become past the age of 9!

LucieLucie · 30/06/2017 21:07

I don't know any grown men who go on holiday with their mums or weekends away whereas I do know women who do. But maybe it's just my circle of friends.

Not true. I've never been on holiday with my mum since the age of 17 and we are not close. We don't even like each other.

She much prefers her 2nd daughter and her daughter to me, always has. She's oblivious of her astounding rudeness and coldness towards me so much so that I've gone low to no contact and never been happier.

I have a son (only child) and I am glad not to have had a daughter. I don't think I could do the mother / daughter thing.
A lot of it is hype, it's not always a bed of roses you know.

Confusedandintrigued · 30/06/2017 21:10

Garlic... may be 10 years ago, but now football teams are open for any gender. In fact our school went on something of a campaign drive to get some girls on board.

One girl signed up. She's not the worst, but she's not rated by the boys. When they talk and rank players, they never mention her gender, just the fact that she and two other boys are liabilities.

Those with daughters really do know that there are very real differences between boys and girls. Yes, there are exceptions, of course there are. But that is what they are - exceptions.

Confusedandintrigued · 30/06/2017 21:12

My daughter has been urged by my ex husband to join him and our son playing football right from the get-go.

Ok she might head out there for a couple of minutes every now and then, but that's it. She's been encouraged, but it just not her cup of tea. Same with so many females.

MargotLovedTom1 · 30/06/2017 21:15

Hmm, just to counterbalance that, my 10 year old daughter is thoughtful and sensitive. She does kind things like making me a cup of tea without being asked, and keeps a note I wrote to her under her pillow because it's special to her. She is also really funny, lively and entertaining and I love having a daughter like her.

MargotLovedTom1 · 30/06/2017 21:16

And that was in response to INeedANameChange.

VileJelly · 30/06/2017 21:22

Jesus christ.

OP -"aibu for wanting a DD"
Half of the posters- "Yabu, stop getting up on this masculine vs feminine nonsense, you should love the child for their individual personality, not their genitals. By the way, my sons are cuddly and love me, and girls are complicated and bitchy"

Er.....

OP certainly needs to rethink her attitude to her current son and any future ones, but you can't blame her for her feelings, because even on threads like this, you can see posters tying themselves into knots over this issue

BarbarianMum · 30/06/2017 21:24

My neighbour has been encouraging his 3 sons to play football with him for 11 years now Confused. None of them are interested. Neither are my two. Same with so many boys.

Confusedandintrigued · 30/06/2017 21:28

Oh come on barbarian.

Let's be honest.

Yes, there are some boys that don't enjoy football.
But many many many many many many many more boys enjoy football than girls. Just to be clear, many.

Confusedandintrigued · 30/06/2017 21:28

Likewise

There are some boys that enjoy ballet.

But many many many many many many many more girls enjoy ballet than boys.

Fact.

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