To want a daughter so very much

[seaotterly]

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

why do posters need to Slag of girls in response to defending boys?
My daughter is kind caring and not hardwork in any way.
Your children act in response to how they are bought up not because they are male and female.

OP a lot of people would say 'mums and their boys' and say mums always dote on their sons more than their daughters- how many problems are their on MN because DHs don't want to upset their mums?

Essentially you can have the relationship you want with your child regardless of them. Ring male or female

Many, many, many more girls are socialised to "like" ballet, in the same way many, many, many more boys are socialised to "like" football. By the time they get to their teens most like neither.

Do you really think a double xx chromosome conveys a love of dance and the Y the overwhelming urge to kick a ball around?

OP I just recently found out we are having a boy and we had been saying 'she' since I knew I was pregnant. I imagined bringing up a girl to be strong and brave and teaching her not to let inequality hold her back.
I can't say that I ever thought I would be disappointed to be having a boy (And I wasn't and still not) but I was surprised.
Anyway - as a previous poster said it'll be about how you raise them. Regardless of gender my child will learn how to cook AND kick a football. If he was a she then she would be raised to think that her gender will not hold her back but my son will be raised to treat women with respect and to also know that he can do 'girly' stuff too if it makes him happy. I haven't got any other children so have no base for comparison but I am thrilled we having a little boy

Barbarian, not so much these days.

Schools offer and encourage all to do it.

As can be seen from these threads, many parents are determined to offer the same opportunities to both genders... their son wants to do ballet, sure. Daughter wants to do rugby, go for it.

And yet...

YANBU, but you might find that the desire is mutable over time. I was sure I wanted DC2 to be a girl, despite being madly keen on DS (and very happy when we found out he was a boy). This is partly because I teach and feel I have much more to offer teenage girls than teenage boys.

Was a bit disappointed for five minutes when I found out about DS2 during the first trimester (Harmony test, and was convinced DD responsible for my appalling sickness!). But now he's here the desire for a daughter has abated, although, oddly I still feel that I might conceivably like another child. Next time I would be completely indifferent about the sex, I think. (Not that in practice there will be a next time.)

Actually that's crap. Ds2 does ballet (neither dh or I have ever danced so it was definitely something that came from him). Most parents are absolutely not fine with their sons dancing. He doesn't get much stick from his peers but oh my God, the things their parents say. He's been the subject of constant, questions, sneers. On several occasions other little boys who come along with their sisters have asked to join in ballet, or tap or street and been told "no that's for girls."

I can't comment on girls and rugby, maybe it's different but i don't see many mums taking their tiny daughters to soccer tots or tag rugby to see if they like it.

Not around here barbarian
Two boys do ballet, no one blinks an eye.

It's very on trend to have a child doing something that is not historically associated with their gender. Sadly, the children themselves have different ideas!

And in the baby ballet class at your dance school (the one for the under twos) how many mothers with sons are there?

And why do you think so few boys and so many girls (relatively) played soccer in the USA in the 1970s/80s? Do you think their choices were different because of genetics or the fact that soccer was a sport for girls there?

I was sure from the work go that the first baby was a girl and I was right. We had a lovely relationship until her teens, and her DF was a lot to blame for it falling apart. We get on okay now, but she has a DD of her own.

When I got pregnant again, I desperately wanted another DD, because I didn't want to have to potty train a son! That's not true, actually, but that was the excuse I used. I don't know why I didn't want a DS, but I know I would have loved a DS as much as a DD. As it is, I got a DD and although she was a bit of pain during her teens (aren't they all?) we have a wonderful relationship now and she is a fantastic young lady.

You will love your next child regardless and your relationship is different with each child because they are individuals.

Maybe it would be best to stick to one child!

Seaotter, I'm going away this weekend with DS, no one sees it as funny. DD is far too busy to go anywhere with me

"Many, many, many more girls are socialised to "like" ballet, in the same way many, many, many more boys are socialised to "like" football. By the time they get to their teens most like neither." (my emphasis)

I know this is getting further and further away from the original OP, but playing, watching, following, reading about and talking about football is hardly a niche interest for the male population of this country!

"This country" being the UK.

I also desperately wanted a DD...I love her to bits but definitely have a better relationship with my DS

I had 2 DS and then got divorced and was on my own years. So there is a big age gap between then and DD. I admit I wanted a girl. Really badly, I couldn't put a particular reason on why either. I know I would have been happy to have another son but I would have needed a day or so to accept it. I think it may have been that I knew it was my last pregnancy so if I didn't have a girl I never would. I will say she has been the absolute worst sleeper ever but I could have equally had that with a boy! You are entitled to a preference, as long as you don't let it overtake your thoughts.

I would like you to come back OP and talk about how you are feeling about your son right now. 18months is a difficult age. I wonder if you are struggling right now with him - because I don't understand why having a second child is such an issue with such a small gap.

As someone said upthread, it maye be about PND or you having parenting problems, and pinning this on the sex of your child

Margot

Because they are socialised to have to know just enough about it to get by. None of the three men or teens in my house has much of an interest.

DS1 hated playing it but has picked up enough knowledge to be able to contribute when forced to in group conversations.

DH used to play a bit, used to support a team, and nominally still supports them if required to enter into conversation about it. Will watch the World Cup, but really doesn't like football.

DS1 is very sporty, will have kickabouts at lunchtime, generally knows what's going on in the league and who the famous players are (mainly through playing Xbox), but doesn't really like football

As soon as mine went to school I realised what social currency (and pressure) football is for boys, but in many cases only a peripheral interest in watching it and only playing it because if you don't there aren't many other playground names.

I have all boys. I desperately want a girl too. If I was to have another baby I don't think I could find out what sex the baby is until I've given birth. It would be much easier to accept there and then than at the 20 week scan.

OK so your sons and DH aren't bothered.

My DH takes a keen interest, there is a popular fantasy football league at his workplace, he and his friends talk about it, the local bars which show football are rammed on match days, my friends' sons - in the main - play football for junior team, and I work in a school and see so many boys gravitate towards football at breaks and lunchtime because they genuinely enjoy it, not because there is nothing else to do.
When the football season is on the sport's pages are full of coverage, as well as on the news and Match of the Day. The World Cup and the European Championships take up a large amount of airtime when they're on (and yes, I know the Olympics do too but that is airtime covering a huge variety of sports) and it's known as 'the national game'!

You have your perception and I have mine, and obviously we form our opinions from what we see around us, and what I see is football being the most popular sport in this country.

Op I really wanted my second child to be a girl. I had a boy and I wanted a girl. I got a boy. He is the most beautiful, kind hearted, loving, fun, golden little person. From the second he was in my arms I thought no more about the girl I thought I wanted. He has a fantastic friendship with his brother, they play so well together. We don't have any bickering or fighting or telling on each other. Yes our house is very sporty and no-one ever wants to go clothes shopping but I really wouldn't have it any other way. They're my world, my boys. And also regarding MILs my own MILhas shown me how it is possible to continue good, close relationships with your sons. Whatever you have it'll be fine and the way it is supposed to be

Blossomdeary - Maybe it would be best to stick to one child!!

^^This.

I understand people have gender disappointment but to be put off TTC for another incase its a boy, that's sets alarm bells off right there and would feel sorry for your second child if it was a boy.

As someone who has had infertility struggles for years and would give anything to have a child -girl or boy, I really struggle to understand the mindset behind posts like these.

.

@Ineedanamechange

I have three boys and a girl.

The boys are all an absolute breeze. DD is fucking hard work. Independent, hormonal, stroppy nightmare. I love her, but god, you wouldn't want a daughter if you knew how obstreperous they become past the age of 9!

I am partly with you on this, but only partly. I think girls are easier to manage and better behaved and I prefer them to boys in the main up to about 9-10, and then they turn into little shits. Pretty much like you describe. Not always, but often. Then the boys tend to become quite sweet and much less hard work. The girls are then difficult for anything from 5 to 8 years (through the teens.)

Then when they hit 17-19-ish, they become their old selves again; fun loving, kind, and thoughtful, and fairly quiet. And the boys tend to become a bit more reckless, irresponsible, and thoughtless. (Just for a while, maybe 3-4 years.)

Then they both settle into being 'adults.' As I said earlier in the thread though, with daughters, you tend to have a lot of deep meaningful chats with them, and lunchtimes out, coffees, daytrips, spa days, trips to the hairdressers, and movie nights together, but with a son, although it's possible to have an equally good relationship with him; your experiences with a son is not the same as with a daughter. The relationship is just not the same.

As someone said earlier upthread; sons are wonderful of course, but there is just something about having a daughter, from the closeness and similarities as females, to socialising with them with things you wouldn't do with a son, to being closer to the grandchildren than the paternal grandparents.

JMHO based on my own experiences and those of many people I know/have known.

And like I said, I wouldn't mind half a dozen boys, as long as I had that ONE girl...............

@user1490465531

Why do people slag off girls in defence of boys?

It's a defence mechanism (usually.) Many people who do this wanted a girl and are angry and bitter that they never had one. That's certainly my experience of people who slag off girls anyway.

I am also intrigued to see that a few people have had friends who started avoiding them when they had a girl. I have seen this happen before. Quite sad really.

One final little anecdote, I knew one woman - a few years ago - who had 3 boys aged 16, 14, and 8. (She was 42.) She decided to give up after having the third boy, after being crushed that it was another boy. She grew to love him and he never knew about her desire for a girl. Same with the others.

Then at 42, she fell pregnant (accidentally,) and didn't tell anyone until she knew the sex, as if it was going to be a boy again, she was going to abort. It was a girl.

All those years and all those attempts, and finally at 42, she had her little girl. But it filled me with horror to think she would have had an abortion when she was halfway through the pregnancy if the baby had been a boy!

@Ineedanamechange

I have three boys and a girl.

The boys are all an absolute breeze. DD is fucking hard work. Independent, hormonal, stroppy nightmare. I love her, but god, you wouldn't want a daughter if you knew how obstreperous they become past the age of 9!

I am partly with you on this, but only partly. I think girls are easier to manage and better behaved and I prefer them to boys in the main up to about 9-10, and then they turn into little shits. Pretty much like you describe. Not always, but often. Then the boys tend to become quite sweet and much less hard work. The girls are then difficult for anything from 5 to 8 years (through the teens.)

Then when they hit 17-19-ish, they become their old selves again; fun loving, kind, and thoughtful, and fairly quiet. And the boys tend to become a bit more reckless, irresponsible, and thoughtless. (Just for a while, maybe 3-4 years.)

Then they both settle into being 'adults.' As I said earlier in the thread though, with daughters, you tend to have a lot of deep meaningful chats with them, and lunchtimes out, coffees, daytrips, spa days, trips to the hairdressers, and movie nights together, but with a son, although it's possible to have an equally good relationship with him; your experiences with a son is not the same as with a daughter. The relationship is just not the same.

As someone said earlier upthread; sons are wonderful of course, but there is just something about having a daughter, from the closeness and similarities as females, to socialising with them with things you wouldn't do with a son, to being closer to the grandchildren than the paternal grandparents.

JMHO based on my own experiences and those of many people I know/have known.

And like I said, I wouldn't mind half a dozen boys, as long as I had that ONE girl...............

@user1490465531

Why do people slag off girls in defence of boys?

It's a defence mechanism (usually.) Many people who do this wanted a girl and are angry and bitter that they never had one. That's certainly my experience of people who slag off girls anyway.

I am also intrigued to see that a few people have had friends who started avoiding them when they had a girl. I have seen this happen before. Quite sad really.

One final little anecdote, I knew one woman - a few years ago - who had 3 boys aged 16, 14, and 8. (She was 42.) She decided to give up after having the third boy, after being crushed that it was another boy. She grew to love him and he never knew about her desire for a girl. Same with the others.

Then at 42, she fell pregnant (accidentally,) and didn't tell anyone until she knew the sex, as if it was going to be a boy again, she was going to abort. It was a girl.

All those years and all those attempts, and finally at 42, she had her little girl. But it filled me with horror to think she would have had an abortion when she was halfway through the pregnancy if the baby had been a boy!