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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a daughter so very much

471 replies

seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:14

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 30/06/2017 19:50

And I'm sorry, but there aren't many 7 year old girls out there who want to play three hours of football after school and also have very full on wrestling matches. There just aren't.

This is one thing that worries me about having a DS and another DS on the way. My DS (aged 3) spend a lot of time at the weekend doing sporty things, they go to watch football, rugby, tennis and more and DS loves it. My DH is very sporty so DS is naturally following it and so I'm pretty sure DS2 will be the same as being involved in sports will naturally happen as he grows. I foresee weekends alone whilst the three men of the house go out and do their 'thing' Hmm

madcatwoman61 · 30/06/2017 19:51

I have 3 daughters and a son - all totally different characters, I think I'm closest to my son. My first daughter wasn't interested in any of the things I thought a daughter would be. All children are individuals, you should not put expectations on them or try and fit them to a stereotype - what would you do if you had a daughter who was not how you imagined?

honeylulu · 30/06/2017 19:51

My sister refuses to see me or my children because I have a daughter and she doesn't. Yes really.

Jellymuffin · 30/06/2017 19:51

Most MIL posts come down to a battle between mum and wife over who the poor man loves the most. CHOOSE! You can't love us both the same. Very rare a woman is made to choose between her husband and mother/father. Just saying.

JustAddingMyView · 30/06/2017 19:51

WriterWannabe- that would give you time to yourself though, on the plus side!

mctat · 30/06/2017 19:53

'I always wanted a girl for the simple reason that I am one myself. It's not rocket science.'

Same. Of course I'd have loved a boy just as much in the end, but I think it just would have felt a bit more alien. I desperately wanted a dd and was lucky to have one. if I hadn't had a dd though I think I'd likely feel like you OP.

Ps my dh and I go on holiday with his parents fairly regularly, if that helps!

fluentinsarcasm · 30/06/2017 19:54

VestalVirgin I think you're spot on there.
My Mil is a lovely kind woman who has never given me cause to say one bad thing about her in 30 years.

Yet I still put my Mum above her with my DC. They are now grown up and I feel massive guilt for being so blinkered and selfish.
She should've been an absolute equal and I hate myself for putting her 2nd.

Writerwannabe83 · 30/06/2017 19:55

WriterWannabe- that would give you time to yourself though, on the plus side!

That's what I'm trying to tell myself Grin

My DH wanted a boy when I was pregnant with DS1 and he wanted another boy this time around too so he's pretty chuffed Grin

Jellymuffin · 30/06/2017 19:55

And you do know all your cries of 'daughters are better' are not going to help OP - she isn't guaranteed a daughter, she wants one but her next child could just as easily be a son. Surely it is more helpful to convince her that boys can be lovely too in all the ways girls can be rather than saying 'girls are fab - you'll be alone very weekend and never see your grandchildren without one'. She already thinks that.

reallyanotherone · 30/06/2017 19:58

And I'm sorry, but there aren't many 7 year old girls out there who want to play three hours of football after school and also have very full on wrestling matches. There just aren't.

I have two. Not football, but they're very sporty and train every evening and most weekends. They don't have wrestling matches because i don't allow it, having witnessed a very serious bone break requiring 3 months in hospital when my cousins were encouraged allowed to wrestle because "boys will be boys".

Your son and daughter are like they are because of their personalities, and probably more than a little bit of fitting expectations.

DownstairsMixUp · 30/06/2017 20:00

My dh goes away weekends with his mum, my brother often takes my mum out shopping etc. I dont talk to my mum much. I have two boys and honestly its amazing, I know we would all say that but once you see your boys together the love you see between them changes everything. I still remember ds1 holding his newborn brother stroking his head and kissing him like it was yesterday (I still cry at the video I recorded)

MargotLovedTom1 · 30/06/2017 20:00

These are people posting because they have problems. There are countless women out there ticking along fine with their MILs. As for women having "horrible, possessive" natures, and little girls being 'nice to everyone but their mothers' - what a load of shit.

I could spout just as much rubbish and say the reason why that particular saying comes about is because men are inherently lazy and not arsed about making an effort at maintaining family relationships, so once they're married or partnered up, living with a woman with all the usual home comforts, they don't really bother.

Babymamaroon · 30/06/2017 20:01

YANBU for wanting a daughter. I was the same as I have sisters and a great relationship with my mum. We enjoy so much as adults that simply wouldn't be possible if I were male.

But, having a boy is just as joyous a journey! It is different though and you can't escape that.

The truth is, once you have that precious baby in your arms it will dull any feelings of wishing you had a girl.

You are 100% entitled to feel as you do.

MargotLovedTom1 · 30/06/2017 20:01

That was in response to Jellymuffin at 19:51.

Notknownatthisaddress · 30/06/2017 20:01

@MargotLovedTom

Whenever these sorts of threads crop up you will get hundreds of posters giving anecdotes about how close their son/husband/brother/postman is to his mother in an attempt to prove the OP 'wrong' in some way - this is not going to change how the OP feels. Also, as someone else said there always seems to to be a common theme of putting girls down which really pisses me off.

THIS ^ 100%

@Honeylulu

My sister refuses to see me or my children because I have a daughter and she doesn't. Yes really.

I believe you 100%. The same thing happened with a family I know. (See my post on page 7, around the 7th post on the page.) And I have known several other women who start avoiding friends if they have a girl, when they couldn't have one. Maybe because it's painful for them?

Oddly, I have known quite a number of women who had 2, 3, or 4 boys, who keep being asked, 'are you disappointed this one wasn't a girl?' and 'better luck next time,' and 'awww, I bet you would like a girl...' cue head tilt.........

But no-one ever says to a mother of girls 'aww bet you want a boy don't you???' In fact, many people celebrate having just girls.

I know a woman at work who has 5 girls, (aged 7 to 16,) and she and her family are looked at with awe and respect. 'Oooooh, 5 beautiful daughters, you lucky, lucky lady.' (Men AND women say this.) But a woman who has 4 boys gets pity... 'Awww, were you disappointed you never had a girl?'

Pretty rude really.

madcatwoman61 · 30/06/2017 20:01

And confused I did have a 7-year old DD who was just like that - she was banned from football in the end for being too aggressive! She's now grown up very feminine but assertive

DownstairsMixUp · 30/06/2017 20:03

Also I'm pretty sure girls are awesome to, lets not turn this into teenage girls are awful little mares who steal sons from mums when they get married.

Notknownatthisaddress · 30/06/2017 20:04

@Margotlovetom1

As for women having "horrible, possessive" natures, and little girls being 'nice to everyone but their mothers' - what a load of shit.

Agree. Load of bollocks.

Never heard the likes of it! The things some people say to support their (feeble) argument! Wink

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 30/06/2017 20:04

I wanted a son, I got a daughter, I love her so much it hurts. I can't imagine having a son now.

MargotLovedTom1 · 30/06/2017 20:04

Also to Jellymuffin - who exactly is crying "Daughters are better"? I said my daughters are bloody brilliant. I'm sure if I had three sons they'd be bloody brilliant too.

raspberrysuicide · 30/06/2017 20:07

I really only wanted a girl, when I was pregnant with my first child I had to find out the sex because if I was having a boy I'd need time to get used to the idea.

Notknownatthisaddress · 30/06/2017 20:12

Sooooo... did you have a girl? @raspberrysuicide? Smile

BarbarianMum · 30/06/2017 20:14

My MiL only had sons. Luckily for her she is close to both of them. It works because she is lovely and so are her sons' wives. One big, close happy family. Smile

I've never bought into this "Your son's your son until he takes a wife" bollocks and dh never would have married me if i had. Both our familys are an important part of our lives, even my disfunctional one.

MargotLovedTom1 · 30/06/2017 20:16

Notknown "But no-one ever says to a mother of girls 'aww bet you want a boy don't you???' In fact, many people celebrate having just girls."

You'd be surprised! When we were told we were having a third girl, people's reactions ranged from amusement, to commiserations for DH, through to actual sad faced "Oh nooooooo"!! Then we were asked so many times if we were trying again to 'get a boy' err, four kids? No chance!!.

KERALA1 · 30/06/2017 20:25

It's not going shopping or dressing in pink or wanting a friend Hmm. It goes deeper than that. Being a woman for better or worse is your lived experience and having a daughter taps into that. I totally understand where the op is coming from. It's not "nice" or fair and boys are fab and many have great relationships with their mother but I can understand that deep desire for a girl.

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