To want a daughter so very much

[seaotterly]

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

I was a replacement for a brother who died at 4 years old 10 months before I was born. My parents desperately wanted another boy to make up for their loss and got me! a big disappointment and treated as much my whole life.

If you can't accept and love what you are given please do not have another child.

One thing that pisses me off, and there has been quite a bit of it on this thread, is the bashing of girls to illustrate how much 'better' boys are. It is possible to sing about the positives of having a boy without slagging off girls.

And it's irking me how people are peddling stuff like 'most boys I have known have grown into hugely successful people, they go on hols with their mum, have wonderful careers, they are the best person in the world yada yada,' then 'but the girls grew up to be emotional fuck-ups with crippling anxiety, eating disorders, depression, failed careers, shit relationships with their mothers.'

Load of shite. No one gender is more likely to be a monumental fuck up, than the other, (or more badly behaved than the other.)

And despite the insistence (from some,) that women can do the same with sons as they can with daughters, you just simply can't. You can keep saying it but it doesn't make it true. As a mother, you are far more likely to have things in common with a daughter, than you are with a son. Fact.

Also, as a woman and mother, you can have a great relationship with your son, but you won't have the same social life with him. As a few people have already stated, some people on here are saying mothers go for coffees and meals and shopping and suchlike with their sons, (just like they do with daughters,) but I have never, ever seen it it real life. I have seen a mother with a son and daughter-in-law and grandkids having a meal together occasionally, but not just the (adult) son with the mother. Never.

One thing that someone said earlier upthread I agree with. I know a few women who are into ice hockey and football etc, but it's only because their sons are, and they have no choice. I know several women who follow their sons around from one football match to another, waiting around for hours on end in rain and high winds, because that was the only way to spend time with their sons. Not one of all the women I have ever known, ever had shred of interest in the sports that their sons attend before. Yet they suddenly become interested in said sport(s.)

I would hate that, and think a mother is way more likely to have the same interests as a girl than a boy. Of course, there are BOUND to be people who say 'I know this person and that person and the other person who has a daughter who is into rugby and football,' (or they claim their own daughter is,) but in reality, very, very few girls will be into traditional 'boy' stuff. I don't know statistics, but it's probably less than 5%.

As a mother, you are far more likely to have things in common with a daughter, than you are with a son. Fact.

I'm not quite sure that is a fact.

Totally agree with your post Notknown I have a daughter and we have a brilliant relationship not all mother and daughter relationships are fucked up like netmums would have you believe.
Girls like boys are fab but I do agree that socially it is more common to see a mother and daughter do things together as opposed to mother and son especially as they get older.

but in reality, very, very few girls will be into traditional 'boy' stuff. I don't know statistics, but it's probably less than 5%.

Overlooking your completely made up statistic, why do you think that is?

Because children are gender stereotyped from birth.

You use football, and mothers getting interested in it as a way to keep close to their sons. As i said up thread, in the us football is a "girls sport"

how does it work, that in the uk boys "naturally" like football, yet in the us girls do? It's socialisation, not a natural affinity, or girls in the us wouldn't be interested either.

So bring your child up to follow their own interested, not genitally defined ones. You will more than likely find something in common.

My dc have a broad range of interests, from extreme sport to ballet and art. I'm not into art, that's dh's thing, so he does that with them, i take them to the ballet and sports events.

We don't send the boy off with dad to do boy things, while i do girl things with dd. We do whatever it is we share the interest in.

So, if i just say Fact, something's a FACT, right?

Notknownatthisaddress

I didn't have children so they could 'do things with me'. I've got friends for that, and a husband, who will be here with me when the kids are off 'doing things' with their own families

OTOH, I do 'do things' with my sons, just not shopping, which is just as well because I like shopping on my own as I am such a procrastinator and it winds other people up

I wasn't bothered that dc1 was a boy, but I definitely wanted dc2 to be a girl (and dc2 was a girl). Lots of women I know wanted a girl after having a boy(s), I don't think it's that unusual. Likewise wanting a boy after having girl(s).

I have 2 teenage boys, would love a daughter but time and health are not on my side, it's unlikely to happen. I feel sad about it. I have a brilliant relationship with my sons and love them dearly but I'm scared to death when they leave home and start their own families I'll lose them. My brothers have very little to do with my mum they are always spending Christmas and other family time with their in laws. My mum isn't a bad person there's been no fallout it's just happened. Same with my dh, rarely sees or speaks to his mum, gets on with my mum brilliantly. I have to badger him to ring his mum, or to invite her to visit. When my children were babies it was my mum I went to for advice, she looked after them while we worked. I don't have any male friends who still have a good relationship with their mums. It breaks my heart thinking about. I'm going to try v.hard to be a fantastic mil when the time comes.

I have one of each. I know I am lucky to have experienced both.
I do not think you are being unreasonable to have a preference. Before having my children I also wanted a girl (I don't even know why!) My dh wanted a boy.
Mine are now 14 and 12.
When they were really little they were more or less the same. I found them both to be quite difficult between the ages of 6 and 8 but my dd much harder than my ds. I also found 11-12 quite a difficult age but my ds harder than my dd.
They both have their moments though. If I had not had a girl I'm sure I would have missed having one. If I had not had a boy I am not sure I would have understood how much I missed by not having one. Boys are really cool!

some honest posts here and some shit too....

I've never seen a mum out having coffee with her 17 year old boy either, or going round the shops (bar running into jd sorts and game then straight home...), never seen a mum and teen boy sitting in a restaurant having cocktails or afternoon tea or a spa day....no matter what some of you say it doesnt bloody happen, and its not how we are bringing our sons up, its just that they dont want to do that with their mums, it would be torture to most boys, much as they love us. But I've seen loads of teenage girls doing this with their mums and thats what I miss. Like another poster, I have no female family left and I just miss female company. I have my friends but I have no females in my family and I miss this. I love my boys and have brought them up right, they are decent caring hard working young men and god I'm so proud of them and the posts saying they dont want to hang out with me are because I've brought them up wrong as so wide of the mark its almost laughable, I wonder how many of these posters have 17 year old boys.

One poster said her 17 yr old ds is begging still to come on holiday with mum and dad, thats all very well for you, that says to me you can afford holidays for the whole family, thats all. This year for the first time ds1 isnt coming with us, it was a choice between us paying for his holiday or us paying for him to go away with his pals and we couldnt afford both and his pals won...as they should at 18!!

Nailed it ssd

I dont actually want a dd, I just yearn for a female in my family I can go shopping with or lunch or a wander round the town centre with. And when I see friends doing this with their dd's it makes me sad I'll never have it....but I dont want more kids.

I do the above with dh and sometimes, rarely the ds's, but its not the same as a girl companion, I dont know why. Its just something you cant have when your mum is dead and you've no dd or females anymore.

Hi . My mother wanted a boy, and got me. So she tried to make me a mini version of her - interested in clothes, shopping and being neat. Not in who I was as a person. It caused immense heartache. I am a scruffy outdoorsy sort, and we have little ,? Anything? common. I had such a bad relationship with her I decided never to have children myself, and am very happily child free, wealthy and independent so I suppose I have that to thank her for!

I think theres a world of difference between mums who have just boys and yearn a bit for a dd and what they imagine it would be like, while totally loving their boys and a woman who wont have any more, or any kids at all unless they are girls

Freddofrog83 You're just like me. I have 3 boys as well and I would love a girl. And like you I want a girl as well as, not instead of any of my boys. I keep thinking I should go for it, just one last chance. But then if it's another boy my desire for a girl will be even stronger. If I had another boy I would love him deeply, but I'd still want a girl....

@user149046553

Totally agree with your post Notknown I have a daughter and we have a brilliant relationship not all mother and daughter relationships are fucked up like netmums would have you believe. Girls like boys are fab but I do agree that socially it is more common to see a mother and daughter do things together as opposed to mother and son especially as they get older.

Thank you.

Shame some people find this so hard to accept. Such denial. Weird. I think it makes some people who wanted a girl, (but only had boys,) cope with it better if they bash girls, and deny that mothers are often closer to daughters than they are to sons. Not always, but girls are more likely to be closer to their mothers than boys are. And ultimately, the parents of a daughter will be closer to the daughter's children, than the parents of the father of the children.

@NotYoda

I didn't have children so they could 'do things with me'. I've got friends for that, and a husband, who will be here with me when the kids are off 'doing things' with their own families

What a ludicrous post! No-one wants a girl so they can 'do things with them' because they've got no friends, as your snide little post implies here ^ . And that is probably one of the most hilarious bits of hyperbole I have read on this thread!

I was simply illustrating (like many others) that in most cases you will NOT have the same relationship or friendship with a son that you have with a daughter, and you can do so much more socially with daughters. Just because someone has a bit of a social life with their daughter, doesn't mean they don't have friends as well FFS!

Typical snide and bitter response from someone who only has boys though.

@reallyanotherone

Why do I think girls will usually not be into traditional boy stuff?

How the hell would I know? But it's true. Most girls aren't into boy's stuff. Why do you find it so hard to accept? And as for blaming it all on how the mothers bring the children up! That's just laughable! As are all the posts claiming they know sooooo many girls who are into football, and boys who are into ballet. Yeah ok then.

AND I have not made up any statistics, I said I don't know, but would guess it at less than 5% (girls who are more into boys stuff!). You naysayers carry on making out I said it was 5%. I didn't. Just my guess is it would be about that.

Also, it IS a fact that women/mothers are more likely to have more in common with a daughter than a son, like it or not. I know it doesn't suit the people who love to bash girls and say how utterly fab boys are to admit this, but it's true, and don't pretend it isn't.

One thing is for sure, some people on here don't like it when people say what they don't wanna hear!

There are some HUGELY defensive people on this thread, who are projecting massively. Problem is, they can't see it, and see any defence of girls and having girls as an INSTANT attack on boys and people who only have boys. Defensive much? Chill the fuck out.

Good post from @ssd up there by the way. ^

I am in the same but opposite boat. I am terrified of having a daughter. I have one ds and am terrified that I would make a bad mum for a girl. I have a dreadful relationship with my own mum and worry I would somehow pass that dysfunction over to a daughter. If I became pregnant again I would def seek help for these feelings through therapy.

Not

I was not being snide.

You sounds so angry

I agree with you notknownatthisaddress, it seems to me rather than wistfully saying oh it must be nice to have a girl to do things with, and leave it at that, the posters who are desperate to say their boys love going out with their mums and how hard work all girls are, are sort of feeling like I do yet are ashamed??/so desperate to deny this natural feeling that they come across very defensively, a bit like they protest too much

its the same as a dad who has daughters, loves them to bits but looks at a man and his son going to the rugby/footie match etc and think I wish that was me sometimes...whats wrong with that, its just the same thing.

same as when I see friends with their mums or my kids friends with their grandparents it breaks my heart as my parents are dead and my kids have no grandparents and it just makes me sad for what we cant have....these are natural human feelings to me, not something to deny or pretend you dont have.

life is too short to have to pretend everythings wonderful all the time, we can all feel sad sometimes, its okay!!

shes not angry Yoda and you know it, you are trying to be passive aggressive because you refuse to see her point of view...go on, admit it!!

Not

By the way, I am not projecting, and nor have I criticised girls/ My concern (if you read my previous posts) is actually about the particular circumstances of the OP - where she speaks very much about having a child to give her something she never had (and feels, sadly, that she does not have with her 18month old son).

It's the OP who has not wanted to hear voices such as mine, who suggest she needs to sort out her head to make the most of what she has now. Much as Lndnmum agrees with

ssd

No, I really won't admit to something I don't believe. I have a fundamentally different view about gender and about parenting and I don't need to be snide about that. If you read my previous posts you'll see that (including the poem I linked to, which you yourself thought was great)

shes not angry Yoda and you know it, you are trying to be passive aggressive because you refuse to see her point of view...go on, admit it!!

Thanks @ssd

This is pretty much the usual MN response to someone who has no argument against someone who is making good valid points. 'You sound angry.' PMSL!

Actually I would like to rephrase my statement where I said 'typical snide and bitter response from a mother of boys.' (That wasn't fair as some mothers of boys are lovely and do actually like girls! Not all mothers of boys loathe girls!)

I meant (and should have said!) 'typical response from a mother of boys who is bitter and angry and jealous of mothers who have girls.'