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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a daughter so very much

471 replies

seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:14

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 02/07/2017 11:33

Why do these boys have to do what you want.

I go paintballing with my sons, all day, we have a blast. We do a martial art together, go to concerts and listen to music.

I am adapting my interests so I can spend time with them. I am not going to stand passively by watching them drift away because I won't do what they want. When we are together we have a great time. My ds1 is aghast at the prospect that when he goes to uni we may not 'let' him holiday with us. He has made us promise he can come.

If you don't like doing what they do fine, but this is a choice you are making.

libertyboy · 02/07/2017 11:33

I had one boy then got pregnant again and secretly wanted a girl although I told everyone I wanted a boy. No idea why really, maybe just to cover my disappointment.
Why I wanted a girl is for a different experience. Ds1 is hard work but adored none the less.
I had another boy and he is my absolute sunshine! The experience is different because they are a whole different person, gender doesn't matter.

AWendyAteMyFitbit · 02/07/2017 11:34

I feel so sad reading this thread, about the little boys (and girls) that have this prejudice waiting for them before they're even born Sad.

ssd · 02/07/2017 11:35

I could be wrong, but I suspect most posters here like sunny are talking about their sons when they are young, mine were the same, I couldnt move without them next to me, we were very close, now they are 18 they lead a much more separate life but I see friends with 18 yr old dd's still together an awful lot

ssd · 02/07/2017 11:36

wendy I'm talking from experience and how life has panned out, not from a prejudice I had before my kids were born

Moussemoose · 02/07/2017 11:37

AWendyAteMyFitbit me too.

Those children whose hobbies, lives, emotional reactions and relationships with their future children don't depend on the person they are but what their parents think they should do.

Self fulfilling prophecy anyone?

ssd · 02/07/2017 11:39

mousse, my boys have interests, passions, I simply dont have

they live and breathe football. I have driven them to matches, stood and watched in all weathers, taken them to training, bought them strips and boots, walked around umpteen stadiums, bought them tickets to away games and went with them, watched more football on telly than anything else.....I've joined in, but I dont share their passion, I dont even like football but I#ve done it for my sons benefit

GreenTulips · 02/07/2017 11:39

Well when your boys are going out with girls friends do they only do 'boy' stuff? Is thee and expectation that the GF watches them play football or goes paint balling - do they not expect to take them to the pictures or bowling? I think you need to suggest some middle ground

ssd · 02/07/2017 11:51

the gf loves football too!

corythatwas · 02/07/2017 11:52

ssd, I was talking from experience with myself and my brothers: we are all in our 50s

My mother definitely had the expectation that she would be closest to me, we all are a close-knit family, but while she lives in the same house as my youngest brother and his family (separate flats), meets my older brother weekly and my other brother monthly, I moved abroad and only see her twice a year. Even if I had stayed, I very much doubt that I would have wanted to live in the same street, let alone the same house. We all love her and each other, I just need my own adult space more than my brothers seem to.

ssd · 02/07/2017 11:54

its good to read positive stories of grown up sons on mn, my brother has certainly clouded my view and not in a good way

Writerwannabe83 · 02/07/2017 11:57

My auntie has two sons (aged 22 and 26) and she is very close to both of them but only because she has followed their interests which I unsurprisingly are sports. She goes to every football match and cricket match they play it and she sits and watches every sport match on the TV with them if that's what they want to do. There's no give or take - they don't spend time with her doing things she wants to, she only has a close relationship with them because she does what they want.

I was very close to my MIL (unfortunately she has now passed away) and when I was pregnant without DS1 she was desperate for me to have a little girl because she'd had two sons and felt like she'd missed out on something special. When we found out the baby was a boy she certainly didn't hide her disappointment. I'm currently pregnant with DS2 so I imagine if MIL was still alive she'd have been incredibly disappointed again.

Meeep · 02/07/2017 12:06

I'm sorry I hadn't read your latest posts or I would've expressed some sympathy when I wrote too.
Hmm.
Your dad let you down, that is really difficult to process. I know men who came from similar homes who find it really hard to be a dad. For what I guess are similar reasons to your issues.

But - some people repeat mistakes and some people do break out of unhealthy patterns.
As your son's mum, all you can do is try to give him the best start so that he will be able to make good choices in life. That's the same as if he were a daughter really, and any other future children too.
Any children have the capability to 'let you down' or upset you in a myriad of ways! But we love them anyway. And they love us. That's why we decide it's worth it.
If you have any child, you're taking that chance. That's life, it's full of tough decisions. You don't have to have another baby at all, if you do, I think you're clearly a thoughtful person and you'll do your best as a mum to a son or daughter. X

Moussemoose · 02/07/2017 12:24

ssd own the relationship. From reading this thread women let the relationship with their sons drift away and them blame the boys for being the men they expected them to be and made them.

No way, no way are my boys drifting off. I'll keep my mouth shut and smile at my dils. I'll do what I have to do to keep them in my life and if that means watching football I'll watch it.

My sons, my relationship with them and I will move heaven and earth to keep it.

Wider societal norms can fuck off. My boys mean more to me than that.

BertrandRussell · 02/07/2017 12:32

I find the idea that women have to suppress their own interests and personalities to maintain relationships with their sons deeply depressing. What sort of expectations is that giving the next generations of men about their future relationships? Just more of the same-the world revolves around men. And it starts with them getting to choose what's on telly.

LoveDeathPrizes · 02/07/2017 12:33

If you're close to your own mum, it might be something as simple as wanting to emulate that relationship. If you're not, you no doubt idealised things throughout the years and would like to do that with you're own DD. I think it's normal. It needs to be challenged as it's not productive for DS or potential DD but it's normal.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 02/07/2017 12:34

From reading this thread women let the relationship with their sons drift away and them blame the boys for being the men they expected them to be and made them

They don't just let them drift, they push them away. Do they think their boys don't know that they want a girl, that they are a disappointment? They do. They always know. And when you basically teach them that what you expect from them is to not be close to you, of course that is what happens.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/07/2017 12:48

I'll do what I have to do to keep them in my life and if that means watching football I'll watch it.

I find that a bit sad though. That a man can basically take no interest in doing things with his mother and she'll have to do all the chasing if and do things she wouldn't necessarily want to do in order to have a relationship with him. Does that not enforce that women are second rate to men and their wants/needs come first?

Shouldn't it be give and take? Shouldn't a man want to spend time with his nother his own back and make the effort as opposed to just expecting her to do what he wants?

Writerwannabe83 · 02/07/2017 12:49

shouldnt a man want to spend time with his mother off his own back?

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 02/07/2017 12:54

shouldnt a man want to spend time with his mother off his own back?

If you've raised them well and NOT taught them that men don't do that kind of thing, they probably will. Don't you get that its what you teach them that affects how they behave?

My husband and his brothers all spend time with their mother, voluntarily. My brothers did the same. My sons seem to like me well enough and seek out my company, though none have left home yet so we shall see.

Stop telling them that they aren't as good as daughters and you might find they want to spend more time with you.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/07/2017 12:59

Don't you get that its what you teach them that affects how they behave?

I do, I was just responding to someone else's post Smile

As a mother to a boy and another boy soon to be born I'm perfectly happy with my lot Grin

My dad was always very close to his mother until she passed away and I always thought that nice and DH was always close to his mother too.

I'm just going to enjoy my relationships with my son's as each day comes and let the future simply unfold. I'd like to think they'll be really close to me as adults but only time will tell.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 02/07/2017 13:00

It was a general "you", not specific.

NotYoda · 02/07/2017 13:08

‘ON CHILDREN’ BY KHALIL GIBRAN
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

reallyanotherone · 02/07/2017 13:09

A family close to me have a son and a daughter.

Right from day 1 there has been a gender split within the family. Dad takes his son off to play football and do outdoor stuff. While the mum takes the dd shopping, to get nails done, help with the cooking.

It is definitely socialisation and expectation, at least in this case. The girl has never been offered the opportunity to spend time with dad, and vice versa.

I remember as a child always wanting to do what my dad did. Have nothing in common with my mum. Even then though when i asked to go to the football with dad i was told it's "not for girls".

I agree though, what sort of expectation does this set for future girlfriends? That their interests and hobbies are too girly and they should suppress them and take interest in their bf hobbies instead?

It's a shit message that men and women are different and have nothing in common.

Leilaniii · 02/07/2017 13:11

I will probably get flamed for saying this, but if you want a girl that much, have you considered sex selection?

We did this. We only had boys, everyone in my house was obsessed with cars (including DH) and I felt very left out. I thought that having a DD would be a little companion for me. The irony is she is a little girl obsessed with cars! I still don't regret it, though.

My DH doesn't regret it either, even though he was dead set against it, mainly for financial reasons. It was easier for us as the centre was quite close to us in California, still it was a lot of money. The way I sold it to him was that we could keep having children, each one costing us >$100k to raise until we got a girl, or we could spend $20k, have a DD and no more kids. It actually took us 3 attempts to get her, so a bit more than $20k, but as I said, no regrets.

Happy to answer questions about it if anyone's interested.

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