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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a daughter so very much

471 replies

seaotterly · 30/06/2017 16:14

I have a DS, who is 18 months.

I am desperate for a girl.

It is putting me off TTC another as I would feel so awful as secretly I don't want another son.

I know im being unreasonable

OP posts:
Scrumpernickel · 01/07/2017 16:13

One of the many reasons why I won't be having children, is because I'd be heartbroken to never have a daughter. I won't take that risk, because there is a possibility that if I had only sons (just my luck!) I would resent them

Wise decision I would say.

GlitterRoseGold · 01/07/2017 16:13

My mum passed away when I was 18 and she had mental health problems all my teenage years I had to grow up quickly. I have a best friend and a supporting dp but I wanted a girl so much as I missed out on that mother daughter relationship growing up and so wanted to set a better example.

When I was pregnant I found out I was having a girl. My dd is 3 now and we have such a great relationship, we have girly days and go out together to the park or watch films together and snuggle. We sit and play with each other's hair and sing our hearts out to Disney songs. I want to be there for her growing up being supportive and helpful in her life.

I do want more children and I don't mind if it's a girl or a boy. Obviously would be nice to have one of each though but I'm not fussed.

I can't say how I would have felt having a boy first it perhaps would have made me anxious as I wanted a girl so much but my love for my children would be exactly the same.

As you get older boys meet partners and don't need their mums anymore whereas girls tend to stick closer with to home. So all the pp saying boys are great but at the same time they are still young so you don't know yet. It would kill me having a boy and him then not wanting to bother with me when he meets a woman.

I will always be there for my dd when she grows up I won't be like the typical mums who fall out with there daughters over everything, criticising them, being over the top and not Giving them space.

I will do what I can so that she will be a great friend to me as well as a daughter.

reallyanotherone · 01/07/2017 16:14

I have a dd (10) and a ds (18)and love them both equally of course but in my personal experience boys are MUCH easier than girls.

This is it though. You are extrapolating from one child and applying it to a whole gender.

You could just as easily say-
The first child is always easier than the second.
Children born in september are easier than children born in june.
Children with blue eyes are easier than those with brown.

It is utter crap.

I had one "easy" child and one physical whirlwind. They are both the same sex. One is driven, the other is sociable. No doubt if they were b/g their differences would be put down to their gender.

The classic example is football. In this country, football in a boys game. As said up thread, boys "naturally" like football, as more boys play it than girls.

Yet in the us it is almost exclusively played by girls. A boy playing soccer is along the same lines as ballet, dads don't let them because it's effeminate and "gay". It's a girls sport.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 01/07/2017 16:22

I've got two,girls and a boy. Girl no. 1 is laid back and good-humoured, girl no. 2 is intense and temperamental but very kind and loving, boy is somewhere in between. The girls aren't interested in anything "girly" and my son couldn't care less about football. They're individuals.

NotYoda · 01/07/2017 16:56

rolo

Nowhere have I said that 'girls are worse'. I think people who do say that are being illogical

I think children are individuals

I wonder about your studies. You don't seem to have been able to count accuately, since most women of this thread have said no such thing

CPtart · 01/07/2017 16:57

I wanted a daughter and have two two sons, now 14 and 12. Having two siblings of the same gender has been absolutely the best thing for them. No doubt. Interestingly as my two grow and develop, particularly the oldest, it is absolutely fascinating to see the young man he will become. Maybe more so than watching a daughter because as a female myself, their changes are all so new and unknown to me.
I believe most women, hand on heart have a female preference in a child. And for men, a male. In fact, plenty of research shows that men are far more likely to leave the family unit if feel his offspring are solely girls.

NotYoda · 01/07/2017 16:58

on this thread

What some women have said is that to assume closeness to a daughter is just as illogical as to assume lack of closeness with a son.

NotYoda · 01/07/2017 17:02

CPtart

Maybe they might feel that. Feeling ahead of time are not facts. You can create your own reality if you approach things with that sort of negativity

Having two boys has been interesting for me. If one of them had been a girl, I think the temptation would have been to ascribe their (big) differences in personality and interests to their gender. The fact they are so different, and yet both boys tells me that how they are, and how our relationships turn out to be is as much about personality adn birth order as it is about biological sex.

NotYoda · 01/07/2017 17:02

feelings - not feeling.

NotYoda · 01/07/2017 17:05

I'd also add that one of our biggest challenges as parents is to separate ourselves from our children - to see then for what they are. If you go into parenting seeking some sort of identification with your children, boy or girl, then you are not being fair on them

Some women on here seem to be doing that by hoping for a girl. They assume that girl will be like them; give them something.

Tumblethumps · 01/07/2017 17:22

We have 3 boys then DD. People assume I kept trying until I got a girl when actually I was quite upset at the idea. I worry constantly how my relationship with her will pan out and whether she'll grow up wishing she had had a mother who was desperate/excited to have a daughter. I love her very much but like ds2&3, she also mainly wears DS1s hand me downs in the same way she would if she had been a DS4. No dresses or ballet lessons here. If she wants to do a sport or indeed ballet, whatever it may be, then great, we'll support that as we do the boys. But no way am I signing her up for any gender specific toddler crap. She's almost 4 and so far no different from her brothers in most ways although she does shout more.

Who knows what the future holds. I know I'm closer to one child than the other 3. I love them all equally but he and I are most similar so get on better.

OP, you're not unreasonable to want a daughter if that's what you want. As I said, I was a bit upset on finding out DC4 was a DD but you mustn't worry that you won't love a second DS as you will. And really, so many things could happen between now and any child growing to adulthood so don't base your desire for a DD on your longing to have a close adult bond with a daughter.
You may have that longed for daughter and one of the other of you don't live to reach her adulthood Sad Cherish what joy you are given. I hope you get your daughter as it clearly would make you happy but try not to let not having a daughter consume your thoughts.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 01/07/2017 17:25

So all the pp saying boys are great but at the same time they are still young so you don't know yet. It would kill me having a boy and him then not wanting to bother with me when he meets a woman

Says the woman with a toddler girl! YOU don't know yet. What if your daughter is a lesbian, meets a woman and moves away with her, and can't be bothered with you?

Moussemoose · 01/07/2017 17:25

NotYoda

Very true. Before these children are conceived some posters are expecting the children to be what they want, hope and imagine they should be.

Poor little sods. All that crap and you aren't even born.

JustDanceAddict · 01/07/2017 17:44

You're not BU. I wanted a daughter and I was lucky that my first born was a girl. However, she's not particularly girly (nor am I really, but she's even less so than me!!) so in that basis you don't always get 'what you want' with a DD if you have that idea of girly shopping trips etc (hate going shopping with her, she is sooo fussy). We do get on, but we are very different in our personalities (she's much more of an introvert and not very sociable, and she's stubborn as a mule), although we do have similar sense of humour. I wanted a girl cos I was close to my mum and wanted to replicate the relationship - I sort of have I suppose although I also get on well with DS he's a typical boy and our interests aren't similar at all (he's having a kick about with dh ATM).
I think you just have to make the most of the kids you have in the end - whether they're the sex you wanted or not.

JustDanceAddict · 01/07/2017 17:48

My DD is v good at straightening my hair though! That's one advantage of a DD Grin

MsMommie · 01/07/2017 17:54

With my last child, I think I would have been genuinely gutted had she not been a girl.
This is going to sound awful but I wanted a girl so much that I think had she have been a boy I would have been majorly depressed.
I have boys, and I have an older daughter but this kind of desire for a baby girl was huge and it really messed with my head.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 01/07/2017 18:15

My DD is v good at straightening my hair though! That's one advantage of a DD

Yup, because nobody with a penis can do hair, male hairdressers definitely don't exist.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 01/07/2017 18:16

This is going to sound awful but I wanted a girl so much that I think had she have been a boy I would have been majorly depressed

you're right, that does sound awful.

reallyanotherone · 01/07/2017 18:30

My DD is v good at straightening my hair though! That's one advantage of a DD grin

My dd isn't. Does that make her a boy? Seeing as a vagina automatically confers hair straightening abilities?

And as take your horse said, what about all those male hairdressers and make up artists?

Pandoraslastchance · 01/07/2017 18:34

Ive got three beautiful smart and funny girls but within me there is a deep seated burning need to have a boy.

MsMommie · 01/07/2017 19:12

I know it does. I don't need confirmation.

JustDanceAddict · 01/07/2017 19:29

Omg horse & really! Get off your high horses. DS would never do it and dh doesn't have much hair to speak of so not really a 'hair' expert. He does though clipper his own - remaining - hairs to a no.1 so if I wanted to be shorn like a sheep I would ask him!!! If I did have a son who was into hair then I am sure I would have employed his services too. DD has a much steadier hand than me and is more creative and she's good at make-up & nail varnish too despite not wearing it much herself.
However, I don't have to justify my own slightly tongue in cheek reply to either of you.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 01/07/2017 19:33

Why did you then? Don't gender stereotype so casually if you don't want to be challenged.

PlayingSardines · 01/07/2017 19:57

But MsMommie, you already have an older daughter, you say, but were desperate for a 'baby girl'. Which seems pretty odd to me as babies are ungendered little beings who eat and sleep and roar and smile and start to figure out their toes and crawling etc. Stick a bunch of babies in white babygrows and their sex isn't even guessable. Unless you're the kind of mother who glues giant bows to her female baby's head.

MsMommie · 01/07/2017 20:55

Yes I was desperate for a baby girl, even though I already had an older daughter.
No, babies aren't 'ungendered little beings' at all. They are usually either boys or girls.

And yes, I put bows on her and wouldn't be surprised if she actually shit pink one day. Your point is what?

I really don't give a crap about all this PC 'Don't gender stereotype' blah blah you all go on with. My girls are stereotypical girls and my boys are stereotypical boys. I'm happy with that. I really couldn't give a flying fluff about what people think of how I raise MY children.