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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to wash my friend's clothes?

238 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 30/06/2017 07:16

My friend asked me to water her plants while she went backpacking round Asia for 6 weeks. No problem, happy to do it, got her key off her.

First time I went to her flat (about 3 days after she left) she had a full load of washing sitting in her machine all wet! And a few dirty dishes in the sink. Nothing extreme, looks like she had a quick meal before she left for the airport and didn't have time to wash up.

Anyway I washed the dishes and popped them on the draining board, took the washing out (which stank of course) and popped it in a bin bag, took it to mine, re-washed the load and then put it through the tumble dryer (my friend doesn't have one).

Next time I went I put it all, folded, on her bed.

There's no way I was gonna let her ruin a full load, after 6 weeks the clothes would have been mouldy beyond repair! I did more plant watering after that and didn't interfere in any other way.

Anyway she came back early this morning and has sent me a text that basically says thanks for watering her plants but she's a bit annoyed that I 'took it upon myself' to 'clean her kitchen' and come in her bedroom, she feels a bit judged, she was in a rush when she left and she feels it was intrusive Shock

I thought I was being a good friend. AIBU or is she being precious?

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 30/06/2017 09:49

I wouldn't respond at all. Let her stew. You were just trying to be nice and I say this as someone who hates people in my house.

BabyShock · 30/06/2017 09:49

I think thats her ego talking. And its so far up its own bottom that it cant let her see someone being helpful. If you came round to my house and just cleaned it then left I would be like "wicked!" and not "feel judged" at all. Hey, Im a messy cow.

She needs to give her ego a talking to before she ends up with no friends. Leave her to it. But yeah; shes being a dick.

Mrbrownstone · 30/06/2017 09:52

Tough one. Honestly Id hate anyone doing my washing! I can see you thought you were helping, maybe you should have texted her first and asked if it was ok to do the washing. Although if she is that sensitive about her privacy she shouldn't have asked you to come and water the plants

notapizzaeater · 30/06/2017 09:53

I'd be delighted to come home to a tidier house .....

Perhaps she's jet lagged and ratty ? Is she normally precious ?

affectionincoldclimate · 30/06/2017 10:06

That's a bit... touchy. You're friend enough to be given keys to the flat but cursory bedroom visit to deposit her fresh and clean clothes saved from rotting in the washing machine are an issue?
On the face of it, she seems childish and ungrateful but I do wonder if there is some sort of back story about boundaries between you two that would make her overreact so much?

silkpyjamasallday · 30/06/2017 10:13

I have anxiety so if I were you're friend this would have bothered me initially and made me feel panicked, but I wouldn't text in a huff about you essentially doing something nice. When my MH is poor it reflects in my living habits, and I would be ashamed for people to see the mess. But this is because I always put on a face of everything being fine as I don't want people to think I'm not coping. My DF always does bits of random cleaning/tidying when he comes over but he is very anal about that sort of thing, it makes me feel uneasy for a while once I realise what he has done, even if I am grateful for one less job on my plate. Maybe she feels a bit like this and just fired off a text without really thinking, reply and just reassure her why you did what you did and explain that it wasn't a judgement you just didn't want her to come back to ruined clothes and mouldy dishes and that you understand these things can slip your mind when you are in a rush.

blankface · 30/06/2017 10:14

Well done you for stopping her house stinking on her return Flowers

I think it's the going into her bedroom that's bugged her, and that's coloured her view and obscured the good things you did to stop the place stinking.
She's probably thinking you've nosed around while you've been in there, in the wardrobe and drawers, (Like some MILS do!) and is put out because she thinks her privacy's been "invaded"

If there is a next time, leave the folded dried clothes in a bag in the kitchen.

MickeyRooney · 30/06/2017 10:14

I wouldn't reply to her at all.
don't dignify her bad behaviour by adding fuel to her argument.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 30/06/2017 10:15

YANBU! Your friend should be embarrassed! She could have come home to a machine full of mouldy clothes and a sink full of maggots and swarming with bluebottles!

My parents used to rent a room to my Uncle (my Dads brother) and when he went on holiday my Mum noticed a smell coming from his room (she didn't clean his room, it was his responsibility!), when she went into his room to investigate the carpet was crawling with maggots (I remember her screaming and running out of the room before being sick!), on investigation (my poor Mum had to clean it all up, she then made my Dad pull the carpet up, so she could bleach everywhere, replace the carpet and redecorate the room!) my Uncle had ordered a Chinese the night before he left and spilled rice on the carpet which is where the maggots came from! ( My Mum had my Dad read his brother the riot act and he took to paying me to hoover his room and do his ironing! )

I would be replying

'I am sorry if I offended you, the plate was attracting flies and I didn't want to be coming in to a house that was smelling/ swarming with flies!
As for the clothes, I would have left them in the machine if you were only gone for a few days. But you were gone for six weeks and I would have hated to have you come home to mouldy, ruined clothes! I could obviously see that you had to leave in a hurry, so I assumed that you hadn't meant to leave wet clothes in the machine or dirty dishes in the sink! I didn't go looking for things to clean, I just helped a friend out and I would have hoped that you would have done the same in my place!

Comedyusername · 30/06/2017 10:16

I'd love you for that! But apologise for making her feel that way, then move on. Perhaps don't bend over backwards to help her again as she clearly doesn't appreciate it.

Epipgab · 30/06/2017 10:18

I don't see what's wrong with doing the washing up if you were in the kitchen anyway. I wouldn't want someone to go in my bedroom though, if they could have just left the clean washing in the kitchen. Also couldn't you have texted her to see if she'd like the washing done?

ChasedByBees · 30/06/2017 10:21

You were being a good friend. The only thing I can think is the same as others - she forgot it was in the machine and thought you went through her laundry. I would reply stressing that it would have gone mouldy. If she's still arsey, don't help her again.

AnnieOH1 · 30/06/2017 10:25

As PPs have said you are definitely in the right. However I don't quite understand the issue, I have plants in every room literally, if someone asked me to water theirs I would naturally look in every room to see where the plants were. I don't therefore understand why the bedroom would become sacrosanct to having washing put in it.

I wouldn't be happy with someone washing my clothes generally but if someone went so far as to even empty the hampers and wash them while I was away I would just take it at face value as a one off kind event.

Shockers · 30/06/2017 10:26

Have you replied, OP?

JaneEyre70 · 30/06/2017 10:29

How rude of her. I wouldn't actually reply, as she's being very unreasonable and I'd wait for an apology. If you don't get one, then she's no friend.

MoreThanJustANumber · 30/06/2017 10:31

Just mention that the washing was beginning to smell and you didn't want her to come back to find it mouldy.

If you'd done this for me I'd be very grateful, but slightly embarrassed that I'd left it in that state.

Maybe putting it in the bedroom was a step too far though, I think I'd have left it in a pile on the sofa.

Thesingingtoad · 30/06/2017 10:46

No good deed goes unpunished!

YouMakeMeFeelLikeDancing · 30/06/2017 10:50

I'm not sure this is just about the clothes but the fact you went in her bedroom when you had no right being in there. That's intrusive. I would hate people wandering in and out of my bedroom without my permission or me being in the house.

Blodplod · 30/06/2017 10:58

Personally for me I would feel it very intrusive someone going into the bedroom to put the clothes back.. someone did similar to me, my dad was dying in a hospice down the road, I had to rush off and they popped round to collect the dog for me for the night. The machine was still on its cycle when I left the house and when I got back the next day the washing was all hung up on a dryer in one of the bedrooms.. I don't even use the dryer in the bedrooms myself.. whilst I could appreciate this was undoubtedly a kind gesture I felt very uncomfortable someone going into other rooms of my house. So, I'm guessing she's grateful for the washing etc, but feels odd about you going in her bedroom. Personally, I can't understand why you did that.

DeadGood · 30/06/2017 11:23

"Today 07:58 blueskyinmarch

She is being ungrateful. I would send a light breezy text back along the lines of ‘sorry, I wasn’t judging you, just didn’t want your clothes to be ruined or your kitchen to smell bad when you got home. Just doing what friends do. Won’t do it again.’"

Totally agree with this.

For god's sake don't say things like "the plates were attracting flies" as someone suggested above, that will make her feel even worse and is so condescending!

honeylulu · 30/06/2017 11:36

How ungrateful. If she was that concerned about not wanting you to think you should hang damp washing or wash rotting dishes she should have cleaned up herself - the filthbag!
My friend went on holiday and accidentally left a load of clean washing in the machine and it was totally mouldy and ruined weekend they got back - had to chuck it all away.
It probably would have been wiser to fold the washing on the dining table etc in hindsight.

But on the odd occasions I've looked after someone else's house I generally do pop upstairs and check each room for a second or two. This was after my SILS house got broken into via the bedroom window when she was on holiday and I had no idea because we hadn't looked in that room while watering plants downstairs etc.
I'd be tempted to tell her to seek some other mug next time she wants a favour!

VeryButchyRestingFace · 30/06/2017 11:36

Could you not have sent her a text beforehand? I suppose maybe you didn't feel it was warranted.

I certainly wouldn't have carted the clothes all the way to my house to rewash them. That is going over and above the call of duty!

I would have just washed the clothes and left them in the kitchen, possibly with a little note. Going into her room was, I think, a bit much.

That said, she must be a very delicate little 🌺 to send you that text. Hmm. I would just ignore. Likely little short of commiting hara kiri on the clothes line will satisfy her now.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 30/06/2017 11:38

For god's sake don't say things like "the plates were attracting flies" as someone suggested above,

Lol. Yeah, don't do that. 😂

Just text:

"It was either that or call Sanitation. I thought something had died in your house."

Nancy91 · 30/06/2017 11:44

Aww I think you sound like a sweet friend. Just tell her you only walked in her room to put the clothes back and you didn't hang around being nosey. I would do the same for my friends, just an autopilot thing to be honest, washing a couple of plates or whatever.

Hazandduck · 30/06/2017 12:12

YANBU. I remember when I was about 19 and me and OH first moved in together, I got really annoyed about my MIL letting herself in to our house to iron our clothes! I found it really intrusive as I didn't even know she had a bloody key. But, what you've done is not at all. You were invited in, and as everyone else says, her clothes would have been ruined! And it would have stunk the whole house out.

On the other side of this, I went away for a month and had a friend housesit for us and look after our cat; I left the house how I would like to find it, spotless, fresh bedding for her, and the only thing I left out was the mop and (empty bucket). I even made a point of showing her the washing machine/dryer in case she wanted to use it and where we kept all the laundry detergent etc.

While we were away, I saw on FB that she had moved all my furniture around to have a house party, and when we got home, two dishes broken, including a massive cast iron casserole pot that cost a bomb, the mop bucket not moved, no housework done at all, so the sink was covered in toothpaste/hairs, and the bedding still the same as when we left (after a whole month of her sleeping in it?!) I would be verrry grateful if you were my friend :) I would never have a house sitter again after that.