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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be offended by gay 'joke' outfit

142 replies

freshstart24 · 30/06/2017 06:07

DP has a stag do this weekend. He's been dressed up in a costume (photo sent to me by his sister), which his mates think makes him look gay, with t/shirt with a rainbow design and a 'funny' slogan about being gay.

I don't want to completely out myself by giving more costume details- it's not graphic, but I find it offensive to take the piss in this way.

I will be accused of being uptight and over sensitive. I'm
Not upset that they have dressed DP up but I really really don't like 'jokes' like this- to me they are not funny, and are offensive to gay people.

I find it hard not to bite back at gay 'jokes', as I do with those that make 'jokey' comments about people's race, religion, looks etc.. I tend to get accused of being uptight. I find it hard to bit back as I'm a really people pleaser but I feel it's important to do my bit to stamp this stuff out.

I should maybe say that DP and I are straight. We've settled down in our mid thirties and until he met me DP had not had a long term relationship- some of his friends and family thought he might be gay (sigh) and so I guess this is where the costume theme came from.

I have several gay friends, two of them in particular struggled to come to terms with their sexuality and I know that when they see this type of piss take they are offended and hurt- and I completely understand why.

I've already stuck my neck out and commented on a what's app group that IMO the costume is a fail, as I don't like gay jokes. This felt quite brave as I tend to avoid conflict like the plague.

AIBU to be offended, and to say as much when my DP and a group of 20 of his mates are "just having a laugh'.

OP posts:

Sushi123 · 30/06/2017 06:19

Lighten up

araiwa · 30/06/2017 06:21

You can be offended by whatever you want. Doesnt mean anyone should agree or care

Malfoyy · 30/06/2017 06:24

YANBU I'd think it was very bad taste too.

nooka · 30/06/2017 06:26

Seems puerile at best and offensive at worst. I'd be seriously unimpressed.

Crunchymum · 30/06/2017 06:27

Is it his stag do?

You make it all sound quite passive 'he's been dressed up' / 'they have dressed DP up'

If he doesn't want to wear it he just says no surely?

purplechoc · 30/06/2017 06:29

YANBU. I would be embarrassed if my DH had been given that as a costume on his stag and he'd worn it. People can say you need to lighten up but what is their joke here - that he's gay/they thought he was gay and that's hilarious? Totally agree that it's in bad taste and there's plenty of other outfit options!

NigellasGuest · 30/06/2017 06:29

YANBU - and it was brave to make the WhatsApp comment. What response have you had to that?
And what does your DP think about his costume? You say he's been dressed up in the costume rather than he has dreased up in it himself - does he have any say in the matter?

WinifredAtwellsOtherPiano · 30/06/2017 06:29

I'd have thought that "ooh he's dressed up like a gay LOL" jokes passed their expiration date about twenty years ago unless you were an actual Top Gear presenter in which case they hung on an extra ten years. Not so much offended as baffled "that's a joke?"

FrencheoGrammaireo · 30/06/2017 06:29

YANBU.

Generally speaking, majority people making a joke about minority people, especially ones who've been (or are) oppressed is a form of cultural hegemony, not a joke.

But the majority of majority people don't think about this, because they've never had to. People from minorities/oppressed people also make stereotypical jokes about other minorities/oppressed people which isn't funny either.

If they'd dressed him up as a Jew or in blackface, or put him in a wheelchair would it be so funny?

But like I said OP, Im betting we're in the minority. FWIW I'd have said something too. And btw he had a choice about wearing the clothes. He could have point blank refused, or taken them off.

Original poster

freshstart24 · 30/06/2017 06:29

Ariwa- I agree that I shouldn't expect everyone to 'agree or care', I'm just wondering if others would find this offensive.

Sushi- I suspect everyone will be muttering 'lighten up' under their breath as you suggest. Maybe I should try. I'm not generally an uptight person, but I can't seem to let this type of thing go without getting all huffy about it!

OP posts:

WonderLime · 30/06/2017 06:32

Why are you offended? You are not gay, not wearing the costume or even out with them whilst it's being worn.

If your DP if unhappy to wear it, then he should say something. But to be honest, I find it very tiring when people are offended on others behalf. You don't actually know for sure that your gay friends would even be offended for sure until they see the t shirt anyway.

user1487175389 · 30/06/2017 06:34

It's not right. I think your real issue is with your dp though, because he's the one wearing this shit. So you're in a relationship with someone who feels its OK to take the poss out of minorities - how does that make you feel?

user1487175389 · 30/06/2017 06:35

*piss

wonderlime, I imagine it's because the OP possesses empathy.

Original poster

freshstart24 · 30/06/2017 06:38

Thanks for the supportive comments. Many posters have written exactly how I feel- I just struggle to find the right words to explain myself.

You're right- DP could have refused to wear the clothes, I'm not exonerating him of any criticism. I strongly suspect that he is cringing inside, but I also know he wouldn't be brave enough to make a stand and refuse to wear it. I'd have loved him just a little bit more if he had, but I can understand that he has just gone with the flow and worn it.

I'm seething TBH, I'm not going to make a big deal of it, and I'm glad I can vent here. if asked about it I will say I'm unimpressed and offended and I guess I will find the rolling of eyes and 'lighten up' comments quite difficult to deal with.

OP posts:

GarlicAndOnions · 30/06/2017 06:39

But to be honest, I find it very tiring when people are offended on others behalf.

This. Sometimes I make gay/racial jokes about myself and have people who are not gay/not of my race tell me that I was being offensive.

YoureNotASausage · 30/06/2017 06:42

I agree OP. Maybe they should dress him up as disabled, or black, because that's funny isn't it?

The outfit is because some of those jerks think being gay is a slag. If they can't see how bad a reflection on them all is, including your DP, I'd be pretty disappointed in the people I hang out with.

WonderLime · 30/06/2017 06:42

user there is a difference between being empathetic to someone's plight and taking it upon yourself to be offended on someone else's behalf.

Personally I think from the description it is distasteful. Do I find it offensive? No - because it doesn't offend me.

In this situation, I would expect my DP to say something if he didn't want to wear it, or even refuse to wear it. He isn't forced to put any outfit on. But I wouldn't start getting offended on behalf of other people who can speak up for themselves or haven't even shown that they are offended.

Original poster

freshstart24 · 30/06/2017 06:42

Wonderlime - I know without a doubt that my two friends would be deeply offended. However, that is just two gay people not all gay people.....

Interesting to hear that you dislike it when people get offended on other people's behalf. I'm baffled by that one as for me it feels very natural and I can't seem to help it! I don't like to see people damaging other people's self esteem and hurting their feeljngs.....

OP posts:

PhoenixJasmine · 30/06/2017 06:43

When people say they are "just having a laugh" about something like this that I actually find quite offensive, sometimes I will go down the "oh, I don't get the joke" route, and ask them to explain why this is funny.... and keep asking why (so if the answer is "because he looks gay!" "Ok - why is him looking gay funny?"). Trying not to be passive-aggressive, but just to genuinely try to understand the why of this kind of thing, but in the process it often exposes indefensible prejudice.

There is a problem with group mentality though - especially in friendship groups established when people were young, I think, so when in that group we regress mentally and can end up saying/doing/supporting things that we would never dream of if we were out of this group in an adult professional setting for example, because we know that in the adult world it's not appropriate, but it is permissible in the old friendship group as in that context we didn't mature. If that makes sense. And we will always be outsiders in other people's established circles....so perceived criticism is unlikely to be well received, you'll end up being viewed as a fun-killing parent type, rather than an equal adult with valid feelings (if you subscribe to transactional analysis theory).

Anyway, in short OP, YANBU to feel offended, I agree. YMBU to intercede though... depending on what battle you want to pick. FWIW, in your shoes, I'd direct my disappointment at my fiancé for accepting the 'joke' and not declining to partake in it, at least in public where it is highly likely to offend people.

Northernparent68 · 30/06/2017 06:44

I think being offended on other people's behalf is a form of control, and you are assuming gay people are sensitive and easily offended which in my experience is not true.

NashvilleQueen · 30/06/2017 06:45

Why are you offended? You are not gay, not wearing the costume or even out with them whilst it's being worn

What a silly thing to say. Can't I be offended and outraged by racism because I'm white? Or comedy gay costumes because I'm straight? Ridiculous argument.

It all sounds a bit pathetic. The 'joke' I'm assuming is to make him look like their stereotypical interpretation of an outrageously camp gay man because, and here's the hilarious part, in fact he is straight. I have lots of gay friends and some would be offended, some wouldn't give a shit and the others would take the piss out of him and his mates mercilessly. I would state my opinion on the subject and let them get on with it. Under no circumstances would I be seen in public with them.

OhhBetty · 30/06/2017 06:45

I don't understand why they think being gay is in anyway funny or something to take the piss out of. I'm with you op. As a bisexual woman I'd lose respect for my dp if he wore it.

Neutrogena · 30/06/2017 06:48

OP - I can understand you being offended, but you need to let it go.
Stay out of other peoples dirty laundry and you'll be happier.

trixiebelden77 · 30/06/2017 06:50

I don't find that funny or endearing. It's the kind of 'joke' that would be lame at 15 and is entirely unacceptable in an adult.

I am wondering how many people 'who can speak up for themselves' would feel safe approaching a group of men who clearly think being gay is hilarious and suggesting that someone's choice of costume is offensive.

Is your DP homophobic? Why is it considered amusing in his circle to be singled out as gay?

sexcauldron · 30/06/2017 06:53

You can be offended by anything you like. It's no different than me, a white British person, being incredibly offended by racism. You don't need to lighten up, there's nothing wrong with you.

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