AIBU to be offended by gay 'joke' outfit

[freshstart24]

DP has a stag do this weekend. He's been dressed up in a costume (photo sent to me by his sister), which his mates think makes him look gay, with t/shirt with a rainbow design and a 'funny' slogan about being gay.

I don't want to completely out myself by giving more costume details- it's not graphic, but I find it offensive to take the piss in this way.

I will be accused of being uptight and over sensitive. I'm
Not upset that they have dressed DP up but I really really don't like 'jokes' like this- to me they are not funny, and are offensive to gay people.

I find it hard not to bite back at gay 'jokes', as I do with those that make 'jokey' comments about people's race, religion, looks etc.. I tend to get accused of being uptight. I find it hard to bit back as I'm a really people pleaser but I feel it's important to do my bit to stamp this stuff out.

I should maybe say that DP and I are straight. We've settled down in our mid thirties and until he met me DP had not had a long term relationship- some of his friends and family thought he might be gay (sigh) and so I guess this is where the costume theme came from.

I have several gay friends, two of them in particular struggled to come to terms with their sexuality and I know that when they see this type of piss take they are offended and hurt- and I completely understand why.

I've already stuck my neck out and commented on a what's app group that IMO the costume is a fail, as I don't like gay jokes. This felt quite brave as I tend to avoid conflict like the plague.

AIBU to be offended, and to say as much when my DP and a group of 20 of his mates are "just having a laugh'.

YANBU.
Last week I saw a stag party at a motorway services, it was the middle of the day, so there was a lot of children around.
They all had printed T-shirts with horrendous jokey comments on them, about what sexual activities they intended to get up to.
I was glad I didn't have young children with me.
And yes I judged

Well in that case freshstart24 you've got way bigger things to worry about than a t-shirt.

If the butt of the joke is essentially 'lol gay people / insert minority here' which it is, then yeah, it's offensive.

How is your OH unaware of this? Also, are his friends a bit dense?

pandarific of course he's not unaware of it. He's just a mid-thirties man child who is too pathetic to stand up to his mates.

The op who said 'Surely if being gay is not seen as a negative there is nothing to get offended by' - that's really naive.

Being gay IS often seen as a negative - I'm sure you are aware of that? And if it wasn't, there wouldn't be any reason for the mates to dress the stag up like that, as there'd be no 'joke'.

"I find it very tiring when people are offended on others behalf."

Sorry you find it tiring, but personally I think homophobia or racism should be challenged wherever it's found. If that makes me the boring one I don't really care. Fortunately I don't have any friends or acquaintances that would find dressing up as a cringeworthy gay stereotype funny.

They all need to grow up. I'd be so embarrassed if my dh joined in with shit like this.

Garlic But to be honest, I find it very tiring when people are offended on others behalf.

This. Sometimes I make gay/racial jokes about myself and have people who are not gay/not of my race tell me that I was being offensive. 

If you are making a joke about yourself then that's a different matter. Self-depreciating humour is not the same. Making jokes about the characteristics or lives of people who are in groups that for various reasons are targeted is entirely different. This is even more the case if you're in a group that doesn't encounter any prejudice yourself (i.e. white men - don't know if OP's DP is but as an example).

It's offensive because the implication is that is bad to be gay. The intention isn't to celebrate and admire gayness, is it? It's to poke fun.

I'd be looking at my DH in a whole new, not good, way if he wore that out. How exactly is being gay a joke?

Instead of saying that you are offended, say 'it is offensive and homophobic'. That way, it isn't about what you feel, it is about what is socially acceptable.

*being offended on other people's behalf is a form of control
*
Not a form of empathy?

Thank you for all the replies. On the whole I feel like my anger is validated and feel more confident about speaking out about it.

I've told a few people about this IRL and they all seemed to think I'm overreacting so I'm glad that I posted.

I'd have loved him just a little bit more if he had

FFS OP lighten up! You sound like hard work.

Rhubarb- maybe so, but quite a few people feel the same about it, and others feel even more strongly so I'm not alone! **

Hang on, OP, this was a stag do? As in a pre-marriage ritual? As in marriage - the right that is currently still denied to millions of gays and lesbians all over the world? Fuck that. YANBU and not "looking to be offended" - that is seriously shitty and childish and offensive and I'm glad you spoke up.

You are choosing to be offended, and as I said not all gay men would agree with you.

No one has the absolute right not to offended. Rather than see the offence in everything it's better to grow thicker skin and not allow yourself to be upset.

By being offended you are appropriating the experiences of gay men and women, and it's not acceptable.

Really Northern? Sorry I don't agree with you.

What do you mean by: "No one has the absolute right not to offended"- I don't get that bit of your post.

If people who are of the 'majority' don't call it when people are offensive towards the 'minority' how can we move away from prejudice and change things?

I'd be more worried that you're marrying someone who can't stand up for his beliefs, to be honest, because that could have big implications for your marriage at some point.

The outfit doesn't sound at all funny; regardless of whether individuals find it offensive - it seems rather pointless, even for a stag do.

YANBU op. It's awful, tacky, offensive and homophobic to dress a stag up in a costume which makes fun of gay people. How would the defenders of the outfit feel if it was blackface? Really odd attitudes on this thread. Feeling offended at homophobia is not 'appropriating experiences of gay men and women' as northernparent said. What a ridiculous statement.

I agree with you OP. Anyone who can't see that such a costume is offensive and meant to deliberately poke fun at gay men is either very naive or homophobic themselves (no matter how much they deny it).

Yanbu. All they needed to do was dress him up in something ridiculous. Instead they have chosen offensive.

Yanbu. It's pathetic that people think that if you are white & straight then you shouldn't be offended by racist/homophobic jokes...!??? Wtf. I'm flabbergasted.

Isn't it pride this weekend? How refreshing that just at the time where lgbtq people for once have a parade that is just for them & that had its origins in struggle & protest a straight man feels brave enough to don an outfit mocking the whole thing.

This would lead a really nasty taste in my mouth and I would just be so thrilled at the prospect of having this rabble of immature homophobes at my wedding. And having the guy who couldn't stand up to them waiting at the altar for me.

I feel for you, OP!

i'd also add that there might be consequences for your soon to be hubby down the line once the 'comedy' photos are out in the 'wild' on social media etc. Not every employer is going to look favourably on this 'joke' outfit, and yes HR do check out social media of interviewees before they see them, if only so we can see what they look like.
What's still 'banter' now to some people could be much more unacceptable in four or five years time. Homophobic behaviour & language is now considered a hate crime, so you might want to warn his mates to reign it in a bit in public when they're dragging him around whichever town is going to have the pleasure of their company.