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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be offended by gay 'joke' outfit

142 replies

freshstart24 · 30/06/2017 06:07

DP has a stag do this weekend. He's been dressed up in a costume (photo sent to me by his sister), which his mates think makes him look gay, with t/shirt with a rainbow design and a 'funny' slogan about being gay.

I don't want to completely out myself by giving more costume details- it's not graphic, but I find it offensive to take the piss in this way.

I will be accused of being uptight and over sensitive. I'm
Not upset that they have dressed DP up but I really really don't like 'jokes' like this- to me they are not funny, and are offensive to gay people.

I find it hard not to bite back at gay 'jokes', as I do with those that make 'jokey' comments about people's race, religion, looks etc.. I tend to get accused of being uptight. I find it hard to bit back as I'm a really people pleaser but I feel it's important to do my bit to stamp this stuff out.

I should maybe say that DP and I are straight. We've settled down in our mid thirties and until he met me DP had not had a long term relationship- some of his friends and family thought he might be gay (sigh) and so I guess this is where the costume theme came from.

I have several gay friends, two of them in particular struggled to come to terms with their sexuality and I know that when they see this type of piss take they are offended and hurt- and I completely understand why.

I've already stuck my neck out and commented on a what's app group that IMO the costume is a fail, as I don't like gay jokes. This felt quite brave as I tend to avoid conflict like the plague.

AIBU to be offended, and to say as much when my DP and a group of 20 of his mates are "just having a laugh'.

OP posts:
HotelEuphoria · 30/06/2017 06:53

I don't think it's ok either op.

WonderLime · 30/06/2017 06:54

Obviously different opinions on this, but I have had people tell me that they are offended on behalf of me when I'm not actually bothered about something. I find it rude that they've made an assumption about how I should be feeling.

I still think, in this situation, it should be your DP who raised the issue (as he is wearing it), or you raise the issue with him (as he will be wearing it).

Original poster
freshstart24 · 30/06/2017 06:55

Northern and other who feel I shouldn't get offended in others behalf- thank you for your POV. I don't wish my low tolerance on this type of thing to be any form of control and maybe my views are influenced by these two particular gay friends who I categorically know find gay jokes and negative comments very hurtful. Other gay people would probably have a different reaction.....

What would your suggestion be when people around me make what I feel to be offensive jibes about someone's sexuality, skin colour, religion etc?? I'm not trying to be goady- I'm just not sure how to get the balance right.....

OP posts:
WonderLime · 30/06/2017 06:55

I am wondering how many people 'who can speak up for themselves' would feel safe approaching a group of men who clearly think being gay is hilarious and suggesting that someone's choice of costume is offensive.

Why can't the DP, who is friends with them all, speak up for himself exactly?

MysweetAudrina · 30/06/2017 06:56

If they had dressed him up as a woman, put a wig and make up on him would you get offended? Probably not. So why would you get offended on behalf of the gay community? Surely if being gay is not seen as a negative there is nothing to get offended by. It's a bit juvenile definitely but hardly cause for offence. I think people who get offended on behalf of others are just transferring their own feelings onto other causes where they can perhaps feels a better sense of justification for the. I agree there is a world of difference between empathy and getting offended on behalf of someone.

GirlcalledJames · 30/06/2017 06:59

It's great when members of the majority are offended on behalf of members of the minority, that's how you effect social change and make a kinder world for everyone. Also allies often have a sronger position. Good for you OP.

notanurse2017 · 30/06/2017 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
freshstart24 · 30/06/2017 07:03

Phoenix your thoughts on group mentality sound spot on to me. I know I'll be on a hiding to nothing if I make a huge deal out of this to DP's 'mates'. I just can't help finding it extremely distasteful.

OP posts:
Original poster
freshstart24 · 30/06/2017 07:06

I'm not sure what DP thinks as I can't speak with him. I suspect he is cringing but going along with it.

A poster asked if DP is homophobic- he's not. I don't know all of the people on his stag do- it includes old school mates who he hasn't seen for years...... I have met a coupe of his older mates at mutual friends parties and have got the feeling that they are not very tolerant people so I guess I'm suspecting that some of them hold homophobic views. We don't socialise with any of them, but they tend to crop up occasionally.

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 30/06/2017 07:09

but I have had people tell me that they are offended on behalf of me when I'm not actually bothered about something. I find it rude that they've made an assumption about how I should be feeling.

What I'm referring to is that I am offended (even though I'm not the 'target'). I would feel very sad if a gay person was offended by my partner parodying a gay man but, even if they weren't upset, I still might be.

Also I've been mulling the OP over. I think the overriding impression I would form of your DP if I saw him out in the costume would be that he is a bit of a dick. And that's not a nice thing to think about your future husband!

WomblingThree · 30/06/2017 07:10

In your situation, I'd be more worried and upset by the fact my 30something year old partner was too scared to stand up to his friends over something he knows is stupid and distasteful.

You say he's probably cringing inside; well he needs to tell them to fuck off. A grown up does not let himself be dressed up by his mates. He knows this upsets you, yet he's going to let it carry on regardless.

Whether it actually is offensive or not isn't the issue here I feel. It's more the fact he cares more about what a bunch of idiot blokes think than how he feels.

Original poster
freshstart24 · 30/06/2017 07:13

Nashville I agree. I would think him and his friends were Dicks too.

I'm more annoyed with whoever came up with the costume, and that no one questioned it- but then it's far easier to blame others than focus on DP Confused. I'd have loved it if he'd refused to wear the costume, but I can't see him bring that brave when so many are goading him.

OP posts:
Original poster
freshstart24 · 30/06/2017 07:15

Wombling maybe so but I can understand why he's gone along with it. Yes in an ideal
World he'd have taken a stand though.

I appreciate that some posters may feel I should LTB but that's not happening Grin.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 30/06/2017 07:16

OP - I would feel exactly the same. I'm not black, gay or disabled but I would still feel offended that these humans are being targeted as joke-worthy.

I am offended too. It's my right. And Gays/Blacks/disabled/women/other 'targeted' groups cannot do it all themselves.

chronicleink · 30/06/2017 07:20

YANBU, I'm gay and of course it's offensive. It's suggestion that being gay is something to be ridiculed, a joke, that somehow he's less of a man. And are they going to leave it at that or is there going to be lots of 'don't bend over' type 'banter' in public when they're out with him dressed like that? My only consolation is that the world has moved on and that half the people who see them will be thinking what homophonic arses they are.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 30/06/2017 07:20

YANBY, I don't think that's funny.

DH's friend was having a stag do and some of the stag's other mates wanted the group to dress up as school boys and the stag as Jimmy Saville Hmm DH and a few others made it clear they wouldn't be going if that happened. I dunno why men think these kind of things are funny

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 30/06/2017 07:20

*YANBU

GarlicAndOnions · 30/06/2017 07:25

So much condescension in this thread it's incredible!

OnTheRise · 30/06/2017 07:29

I think it's offensive. I think you were right to point that out. I too would be seething, and terribly upset.

It's horrible to try to get a laugh by making fun of anyone. It's horrible to laugh at someone because they are dressed like this. Nasty.

Plipplops · 30/06/2017 07:29

YANBU. I'm always gobsmacked when people use 'gay' as an insult in this day and age (my DSIS and BIL do it a lot). I don't want my kids to hear it, it's not in the least funny and I'd be mortified if someone thought I thought it was.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 30/06/2017 07:45

Also I'm surprised by the responses on this thread. Why can only gay people be offended by homophobia?

If this was my DH I'd worry about my gay friends or my colleagues etc (I've got a good standing position in my job) would see him. It's just fucking derogatory.

Catsize · 30/06/2017 07:52

Gay 'jokes' on a night out have ruined my night out. The same will probably happen to those who see your DP.

WonderLime · 30/06/2017 07:55

If this was my DH I'd worry about my gay friends or my colleagues etc (I've got a good standing position in my job) would see him. It's just fucking derogatory.

But this is what I've said so many times - it is the DP who needs to raise it to his friends as he will be the one wearing the outfit. Or the OP needs to raise it with her DP (as again, he will be the one wearing the outfit!).

TheNaze73 · 30/06/2017 07:57

Sorry, it sounds like you've gone out of your way to be offended

badabing36 · 30/06/2017 08:09

I agree with Nashville I find it offensive as a straight woman because I do, and do I'm not 'getting offended on someone else's behalf' I'm just offended.

I can't stand men who go along with this shit because bants innit?

I wouldn't marry a prick like that op, but you are so good luck to you.

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