AIBU to be offended by gay 'joke' outfit

[freshstart24]

DP has a stag do this weekend. He's been dressed up in a costume (photo sent to me by his sister), which his mates think makes him look gay, with t/shirt with a rainbow design and a 'funny' slogan about being gay.

I don't want to completely out myself by giving more costume details- it's not graphic, but I find it offensive to take the piss in this way.

I will be accused of being uptight and over sensitive. I'm
Not upset that they have dressed DP up but I really really don't like 'jokes' like this- to me they are not funny, and are offensive to gay people.

I find it hard not to bite back at gay 'jokes', as I do with those that make 'jokey' comments about people's race, religion, looks etc.. I tend to get accused of being uptight. I find it hard to bit back as I'm a really people pleaser but I feel it's important to do my bit to stamp this stuff out.

I should maybe say that DP and I are straight. We've settled down in our mid thirties and until he met me DP had not had a long term relationship- some of his friends and family thought he might be gay (sigh) and so I guess this is where the costume theme came from.

I have several gay friends, two of them in particular struggled to come to terms with their sexuality and I know that when they see this type of piss take they are offended and hurt- and I completely understand why.

I've already stuck my neck out and commented on a what's app group that IMO the costume is a fail, as I don't like gay jokes. This felt quite brave as I tend to avoid conflict like the plague.

AIBU to be offended, and to say as much when my DP and a group of 20 of his mates are "just having a laugh'.

YANBU

You're really brave for taking offense at what someone else does at their party you're not going to on behalf of someone else again who may or may not even be offended themselves. Where would we be if people didn't do that.

Have you considered reporting them to the police?

That's horrible.
Yanbu.
If he gets the crap kicked out of him he'd have had it coming tbh.

If my OH did similar I'm not sure they'd be my OH for much longer.

As a gay person, it has never occurred to me to be offended when straight people object to homophobia, or to see it as 'appropriating' my oppression. I'm just glad that someone else is objecting so I don't always fucking have to, and that increasingly and rightly straight people see homophobia as an issue for them too.

Northernparent, are you seriously saying that white people should keep their lips buttoned when they see racism, for example?

Sometimes I make gay/racial jokes about myself and have people who are not gay/not of my race tell me that I was being offensive.  - presumably you are a gay Black person? Making 'jokes' about being a gay black person? Yes I'd still feel offended - i'd also be offended if you told 'jokes' about white gay people, or the disabled, or Chinese Jews, or female Muslims...

All it takes is for Good people to do nothing.

YANBU at all. I'd lose all respect for your DP.

Sounds like you need to hang out with more sophisticated/ aware people.

So all the presumably 'adult' men at the stag do are giggling behind their hands because the OP's DP is being dressed in a way that they perceive makes him look gay. Well, they sound lovely.

I'd be very disappointed with my DP if he went along with this (unless he was 14 in which case I might just be able to forgive him, but he's getting married, so I assume he's a lot older). Perhaps I'm a miserable sort of creature, but I really fail to see the funny side of this.

YANBU OP. You are quite right to call them out on it, it's totally unacceptable. It isn't funny or clever. I agree that it is akin to blackface. The fact that it was also done in a piss take way rather than a tribute way makes it worse.

What small minded, stupid bastards your dp's mates are. Is he?

Bah.. you're only spoiling your own afternoon (hopefully ) if you're stewing over it.

Much much worse things happen at sea.

Deffonc that made me laugh!

presumably you are a gay Black person? Making 'jokes' about being a gay black person? Yes I'd still feel offended

Guess I should also stop having any sort of banter with my mates about this prominent scar I've got because I'm being discriminatory about ugly skin or something. Thank you for enlightening me and for being my saviour in shining armour. I don't know what I will do without you because clearly I am unable to decide what's offensive and what isn't for myself.

It's in poor taste, sure. But to get offended by it? Come on.

To expound on that, ptumbi, in my last year of Uni I decided that November was going to be "gay wardrobe month" for me, and I went out and bought 15 flannel shirts. Wore nothing else for the rest of the month. Suppose I shouldn't have done that because evidently it's offensive to you.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/jun/30/police-officer-proposal-gay-pride-london-social-media?CMP=fb_gu

So for the posters saying that being gay is no big deal...

Was going to say that it's akin to blackface, but have seen that thats been covered by previous posters.

You are not being unreasonable.

The truth is that he looks like a dick and that is the point of his "costume".

People (even those that are not offended) will look at him and think what a wanker.

I decided that November was going to be "gay wardrobe month" for me, - presumably you didn't do it to poke fun at Gays? Or to make Gay Wardrobe Month (whatever the hell this is) into a 'joke'?

In which case, crack on. I'm not offended. If it had been a feather headdress, and you wore it with a sneer, yeah, I would not like it and I'd think you were a prick.

The sooner straight white men get over the 'hilarity' of dressing up as marginalised groups the better.

Agreed, but it's not just straight white men that indulge in this.

Yeah, pretty bad taste.

I've seen some men on stag dos dressed up as women. Same thing. Rather offensive.

I'm not a friend of this whole stag do thing in general. Seems like an excuse to do shitty nonsense.

ptumbi Ok I just read through my earlier post. This is a touchy subject for me and I was unnecessarily combative - which I do acknowledge is contrary to the spirit of discussion. So I apologise.

I guess the point I was trying to make there was that to me the difference lies in the intent.

I'm gay and way back when I was in uni the "lesbian uniform" was said to be flannel (I'm not sure why maybe it's due to Tumblr or some popular lesbian Youtuber perhaps), so my mate (who is also gay) and I wore it the whole month to be "extra gay" whatever that means.

It's how we used to laugh about having "gay nails" instead of acrylics and the like. It's all banter done in good spirits and not dissimilar to my mates and I taking the piss out of each other's clothing choice, food choice etc.

So yes, in the OP's case I can see how it's offensive, but I do think there are other incidents whereby jokes are just jokes.

Homophobia = not funny. Especially if you get discriminated against, beaten up, nail bombed, or sprayed with bullets in a nightclub. You are quite right to think its offensive.

It really isn't up to you what he wears or finds funny though, is it?

Nancy91 - it's up to her how she wants to react to it. I think it'd be a 'deal-breaker' for me if my partner found it funny to dress up in racist or homophobic costumes.

Another one here who doesn't understand the joke. Why is dressing up "gay" (whatever the hell that is anyway) funny? Why is being gay funny? Nope, don't get it, and like Nashville I'd think he was a bit of a wanker, for not sticking up for himself and telling his mates to eff off (is he normally such a doormat?), and secondly for actually wearing the outfit. Good point from chronicleink about social media and employers too!

I just think people aren't allowed to laugh at anything any more. None of my gay friends give a shit about this type of thing. Why would you care, if they don't? It's a bit of banter. If people take the piss out of me or do an impression of me, I laugh along. It isn't being done from a place of malice.