AIBU to be offended by gay 'joke' outfit

[freshstart24]

DP has a stag do this weekend. He's been dressed up in a costume (photo sent to me by his sister), which his mates think makes him look gay, with t/shirt with a rainbow design and a 'funny' slogan about being gay.

I don't want to completely out myself by giving more costume details- it's not graphic, but I find it offensive to take the piss in this way.

I will be accused of being uptight and over sensitive. I'm
Not upset that they have dressed DP up but I really really don't like 'jokes' like this- to me they are not funny, and are offensive to gay people.

I find it hard not to bite back at gay 'jokes', as I do with those that make 'jokey' comments about people's race, religion, looks etc.. I tend to get accused of being uptight. I find it hard to bit back as I'm a really people pleaser but I feel it's important to do my bit to stamp this stuff out.

I should maybe say that DP and I are straight. We've settled down in our mid thirties and until he met me DP had not had a long term relationship- some of his friends and family thought he might be gay (sigh) and so I guess this is where the costume theme came from.

I have several gay friends, two of them in particular struggled to come to terms with their sexuality and I know that when they see this type of piss take they are offended and hurt- and I completely understand why.

I've already stuck my neck out and commented on a what's app group that IMO the costume is a fail, as I don't like gay jokes. This felt quite brave as I tend to avoid conflict like the plague.

AIBU to be offended, and to say as much when my DP and a group of 20 of his mates are "just having a laugh'.

How do gays dress?

In beautifully tailored bespoke suits.

Does you husband or his divvy mates actually know any gay people?

I suspect not.

As a gay woman I find it refreshing when straight people are offended by homophobia. It's important that people challenge such behaviour or the world never changes, well done OP!

Ask your partner would he have worn the outfit if they dressed him up as a black man or a Muslim? I'm guessing he will say no so what's the difference? None are funny.

Besides if they really wanted to make him "look gay" they'd have been better getting him some stunningly beautiful designer clothing and ensuring he was well groomed. I can't think of a single gay man that wear rainbows and gay slogans.

So it isn't about making him look gay it's just a way of poking fun at gay people in general and your partner by wearing the outfit was the one publicly doing so.

I know my partner would be my ex partner if they did similar with regards to any other minority.

Lass, I said Vin Diesel is sexist. Not the skirt. Do you have comprehension problems? He is a twat in general, no matter what he wears.

Nope my partner is really fit and nothing like clarkson, his clothes fit fine. His friends aren't tedious, they are amazing guys. Calm down and stop trying to insult my wonderful partner who you have never spoken to

Ask your partner would he have worn the outfit if they dressed him up as a black man or a Muslim? I'm guessing he will say no so what's the difference? None are funny.

I would suspect that they might well do so if they could get away with it. But, I suspect the distinction in their heads is that, a big Muslim or Black bloke could smack them one, seemingly oblivious to the fact there are plenty of big burly gay men knocking around who could do the same, because in their heads all gay men are small and limp wristed and as such a safe target for mockery.

I think 'seething' about your DP's mates dressing him up on a stag do is a bit ridiculous. I'd probably say if I knew you irl... get over it.

What CatchingBabies said. ^

Serious question: does any other culture apart from straight, white male dress up like a bunch of twats for a stag do?

YANBU. I can't imagine how people can defend this behaviour. Don't worry about being told to lighten up - I'd be disappointed in my partner if he were prepared to go along with this.

The point about employers above is a good one. Anyone in my company who was spotted on social media dressed like this would be in trouble.

WomblingThree

I take it that you have never seen straight white women at hen parties.

Dressing like a gay actually means dressing like a human being and could cover any clothes at all. Ditto with dressing like an old lady.

So these berks are not dressing like a gay or an old lady. They are dressing like a reductive social stereotype used to belittle a group with less access to power and resources than straight men. It is called punching down and I couldn't respect any man who indulged in it - it is bullying writ large.

As one of The Gays I would feel sort of offended but mostly I would feel that the wearer was a bit of a tosser and likewise his mates, probably. I saw an evidently straight man wearing a t-shirt recently that was like the I'm With Stupid (with arrow) shirt only He's Gay (arrow) and I just thought...what a colossal wanker. It's a good way of alienating people.

Going back and reading all of these people saying YABU to feel offended by it, good grief, thank the gods that some people have more empathy, and guts to stand up for others than they do.

BoneyBackJefferson absolutely. And I've seen them dressing ridiculously and acting like twats. But for the purposes of this thread, I was talking about stag parties. Attended by men. There is no sexism in talking about men on a thread about men, or talking about stag parties on a thread about stag parties not hen parties.

WomblingThree

You asked a question, I answered, there is no sexism in that.

So these berks are not dressing like a gay or an old lady. They are dressing like a reductive social stereotype used to belittle a group with less access to power and resources than straight men. It is called punching down and I couldn't respect any man who indulged in it - it is bullying writ large

Excellent post.

I can't think of any hen party which is remotely equivalent. They might all be wearing themed outfits but they are not attempting to mimic or mock any other group.

I can't think of any hen party which is remotely equivalent. They might all be wearing themed outfits but they are not attempting to mimic or mock any other group

I dunno, I've seen hen did stepped up like strippers or 'vicars and tarts'. (Live in Edinburgh and it doesn't want for hen parties) Which I'd consider pretty mysogonistic and mocking women who don't fit the norms of acceptable female sexual behaviour.

But in my circle of friends if someone suggested 'dressed up the groom like a gay for a laugh' most would say 'fuck, off not funny or not on' and they're not all humourless lefty killjoys who want to stop folk having fun as some people have suggested, but ordinary blokes with a functioning sense of empathy who realise they live in the 21st centur and -gasp- actually know some gay people.