Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and DS have just had a fight

228 replies

OverTheHammer · 29/06/2017 21:22

Don't know what to think. DS(16) has always had a strained relationship with DH (not his dad). He's cocky, bad tempered, constantly swearing, steals off us (money, cigarettes, alcohol etc).

Last night DS was in his room playing Xbox and talking loudly on his phone ffing and blinding. I first told him to be quiet at 11pm as I was going to bed. I then had to repeatedly shout and tell him off throughout the night. 2am DH gets pissed off and storms into his room and shouts at him to be quiet. DS was more or less laughing throughout.

DH was late for work this morning as a result of getting no sleep.

DS had his graduation today and has just come in and said "sorry about last night btw, can my late sleep?". I said No because of his behaviour last night. DH then starts on at him about his behaviour last night and telling him off. DS repeatedly argued that he didn't do what DH said he'd done. It got heated, they started shouting and then DS started squaring up to DH (who was sat down at the time). DH stood up and squared back up to him telling him to stop being ridiculous. DS pushes DH, it gets more heated and they start wrestling each other, DH pushes DS onto the sofa and pins him down, DS is shouting that he's a cunt and various other names, my eldest DS comes in at this point and tries to split them up. DH by this point has taken 3 punches to the face. When DH lets him up DS punches him again in the face. He has now done a runner with his mate whilst shouting CUNT down the driveway.

How the fuck do you deal with this?? This is not the first time DS has got violent btw, he's gone for DH numerous times and DS1.

DS1 has just let it slip that while we were away DS2 came in drunk, threw up in the living room and then punched DS1 who told him to clean it up whilst also threatening him with some random "mate" he's supposedly got in prison. So fed up and feel like giving up on him.

OP posts:
CloudPerson · 29/06/2017 22:35

Cutting off all the good stuff may not help at all if this boy has a neurodevelopment condition, as the op has suspected.

shockthemonkey · 29/06/2017 22:36

And, it was DS who squared up first, DS who pushed first, and DS only who repeatedly landed punches on DH's face.

It is very clear what needs to be done, since DS won't cooperate at all or accept any help.

ChildishGambino · 29/06/2017 22:36

Kick him out so he has to grow up. Report him for assault.

YogaYogiChocoholic · 29/06/2017 22:36

You sound at the end of your tether. What an awful situation. When my teen brother was acting this way, the only thing that snapped him out of it was staying with a relative in a completely different part of the country, but you say anything like that isn't an option.

Do you have funds for private counselling for him? Some places really don't charge that much...have you got a local MIND branch near you that you can call? He's angry- maybe from the split with his Father etc? It'll only get worse, OP. He'll need to exert more and more strain and pressure to get a reaction. You sound like you have done and are doing a brilliant job, considering the circumstances.

DixieNormas · 29/06/2017 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CloudPerson · 29/06/2017 22:40

In case it's not too late, there's a book called The Explosive Child by Ross Greene that might give some alternative ways to deal with things.
It works on collaboration skills rather than punishments and strict boundaries, which I'm guessing haven't been very effective for him?

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 29/06/2017 22:41

Dixie, bare in mind DH has had to put up with this scenario many times before. How long is a grown man meant to sit there passively whilst a 6ft lad is shouting "cunt" in his face?

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 29/06/2017 22:41

He is completely out of control. Sounds like he has been for a very long time, with a lack of clear and consistent boundaries. Youve explored the options that maybe he couldn't help it, and been told each time there is nothing wrong with him other than attitude. That needs very strong parenting.

You told him to be quiet at 11pm, kept shouting to him to be quiet, until your husband went in at 2am??? 3 hours of being noisy in the middle of the night while his mother shouted at him?! You asked him to be quiet. You then told him to be quiet. If he was still being disrespectful you should have acted then. Remove the playstation / phone/ disconnect wifi?? You cant keep doing the same thing which isnt working and expect it suddenly to work. Has he had chores / reaponsibilities growing up?

Tbh at this stage your best option is for him to go stay with his dad.

CloudPerson · 29/06/2017 22:43

He shouldn't have to put up with it, but knowing how ds reacts, it might be safer all round if in these situations no-one tries to tackle the issue if ds is that volatile.

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 29/06/2017 22:43

There is nothing I want more than for him to go and stay with his dad but he won't go and his dad won't have him. He was only 2 years old when we split up so it's not like he's ever been used to his dad being around.

OP posts:
CloudPerson · 29/06/2017 22:44

I don't mean not tackle the issue at all, I mean wait until he's calm and try a different approach.

I do think given the punching that you should involve the police, and that they could be helpful.

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 29/06/2017 22:45

I agree Cloud and have told DH not to antagonise him but then I get accused of taking DSs side and expecting DH to pussy foot around him.

OP posts:
perper · 29/06/2017 22:45

You cannot, morally or legally, kick out a 16 year old child. What bizarre suggestions.

I'm sure you realise the path he's headed down, and he needs some serious and ongoing support to steer him off that.

Strict boundaries- don't let him stay up all night making noise. Switch the wifi off. Confiscate the x-box. I'm never convinced it is healthy for children to have them in their bedrooms anyway, I'm guessing he spends a lot of time on it- violent video games have a short-term impact contributing to aggressive behaviour, though whether there is a longer-term impact is unclear. Remove whatever you have to. Do not bend for an easy life- it will make it harder.

In terms of money, it sounds like he needs to develop responsibility- get a safe to lock yours in, and sit him down to help him write a CV. Make it a positive experience and try to bond a little. Help him apply for jobs. Spend quality time as a family- may seem too late for that, but do your best. Invite one of his more 'savoury' friends if that will help.

I second the army cadets idea- to be honest I think the army could do him a world of good (and I rarely say that!). Present it as a fun, positive idea. Or, if you think it may be more effective, drop into conversation that a friend's child has joined and you'd be terrified if you were his parent, such a manly thing to do, he's got so big and fit since, what if he went on to join the army and got killed etc etc... bit of sneaky reverse psychology may do the trick if you think he'll just do the opposite of what you want!

As a teacher myself, I also recommend contacting the school (despite him just having left) and asking whether there is any support they can give in terms of contacts etc.

Sort dad out too- not by yelling at him and having a go, but having a frank 'this needs to happen, no discussion, we need to help our son' adult-to-adult conversation. This needs parenting from all angles, and having dad vaguely on the scene but not in a supportive manner is worse than no dad at all.

Cailleach666 · 29/06/2017 22:47

This incident was not an assault it was ( in the OPs words ) a fight.

The step father behaved appalingly. I am not condoning the behaviour of the 16 year old but this:
DH gets pissed off and storms into his room
DH then starts on at him about his behaviour ( after DS apologising)
DH stood up and squared back up to him
they start wrestling each other,
DH pushes DS onto the sofa

What kind of way is this to parent? It is quite shocking that a grown man gets into a fight with a 16 yo kid.
The step father is partly responsible for this ugly incident.

I don't care "who started it", a grown man and parent has a responsibility not to add fuel to the fire.

CloudPerson · 29/06/2017 22:48

It's very difficult to shift from the general consensus that good parenting = boundaries, discipline, take no shit, to having a child that doesn't respond at all to this kind of normal parenting.

Gemini69 · 29/06/2017 22:50

I'm stunned at the comments blaming you DH... your DS is on his mobile phone rambling loudly and playing his ExBox until 2 AM when everyone has work to go to in the morning...

of course the guys bloody angry and he's darn well entitled to be so.... Support your Husband he's brought your Sons up..and supported You when you needed it....

you Son needs boundaries... instill them with a bit more vigor ... or you simply allow this to escalate where things get lifted and somebody really gets hurt....

NamechangeNana · 29/06/2017 22:58

Your DS assaulted your DH.

I think you need to get the police involved.

I would have confiscated the Xbox or at least turned off wifi as soon as he refused to quieten down and stop playing.

Cailleach666 · 29/06/2017 22:59

I'm stunned at the comments blaming you DH

Funny that I've never seen brawling with your kids recommended in any parenting books.

CloudPerson · 29/06/2017 22:59

If you had turned off the Xbox or wifi, how would he have reacted?

Cailleach666 · 29/06/2017 23:00

Your DS assaulted your DH.

It was a fight. The OP even has that in the title. Both were culpable.

DixieNormas · 29/06/2017 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 29/06/2017 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonnieF · 29/06/2017 23:06

Back in the 80s, my younger brother went completely off the rails when he was a teenager. Booze, drugs, glue, fighting, vandalism, thieving. The lot. He thought he was a proper little thug.

Mum knew some of the local coppers through her work as an A&E nurse, so she asked for their help. They were well aware of the problems he was causing, so they picked him up & took him away. I have no idea what happened, but by the time they had finished with him, the cocky young thug had turned into a terrified little boy who was crying for his mum.

It probably wouldn't be allowed these days, but they put the fear of God into him and it straightened him out.

Pallisers · 29/06/2017 23:06

Funny that I've never seen brawling with your kids recommended in any parenting books

So he should just let a 6ft tall 16 year old punch him in the face and taken it?

I find the attitudes to 16 year olds bizarre on this site. Most of the time it is all "he is an adult, you can't stop him drinking/can't make him get medical attention/I was living on my own rearing a child at that age" and then when something like this is posted, you'd swear the dh squared up to a skinny 10 year old.

This boy has problems that haven't been dealt with - no blaming OP but the services around her. He is going to be everyone's problem in a few years time if he continues on this path.