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Original poster

DH and DS have just had a fight

228 replies

OverTheHammer · 29/06/2017 21:22

Don't know what to think. DS(16) has always had a strained relationship with DH (not his dad). He's cocky, bad tempered, constantly swearing, steals off us (money, cigarettes, alcohol etc).

Last night DS was in his room playing Xbox and talking loudly on his phone ffing and blinding. I first told him to be quiet at 11pm as I was going to bed. I then had to repeatedly shout and tell him off throughout the night. 2am DH gets pissed off and storms into his room and shouts at him to be quiet. DS was more or less laughing throughout.

DH was late for work this morning as a result of getting no sleep.

DS had his graduation today and has just come in and said "sorry about last night btw, can my late sleep?". I said No because of his behaviour last night. DH then starts on at him about his behaviour last night and telling him off. DS repeatedly argued that he didn't do what DH said he'd done. It got heated, they started shouting and then DS started squaring up to DH (who was sat down at the time). DH stood up and squared back up to him telling him to stop being ridiculous. DS pushes DH, it gets more heated and they start wrestling each other, DH pushes DS onto the sofa and pins him down, DS is shouting that he's a cunt and various other names, my eldest DS comes in at this point and tries to split them up. DH by this point has taken 3 punches to the face. When DH lets him up DS punches him again in the face. He has now done a runner with his mate whilst shouting CUNT down the driveway.

How the fuck do you deal with this?? This is not the first time DS has got violent btw, he's gone for DH numerous times and DS1.

DS1 has just let it slip that while we were away DS2 came in drunk, threw up in the living room and then punched DS1 who told him to clean it up whilst also threatening him with some random "mate" he's supposedly got in prison. So fed up and feel like giving up on him.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 29/06/2017 22:08

I generally sympathise with the offspring. Yours is completely out of order. I wouldn't ask his dad if he can stay the night with him. You should just tell him he's moved out now.

Autofillcontact · 29/06/2017 22:08

I agree. I think he should go and live with dad the way things stand

Op?!

Sophiealice95 · 29/06/2017 22:09

Don't report him to the police op. If he gets a record it will be very difficult for him to get a job as he will be labelled with it. Just take a look at what is wrong and forgive him. He needs you all now more than he ever has. He is only 16, still a child emotionally. I would try to get his GP to refer him to CAMHS he may have depression or anxiety or a behavioural problem that you can get help for. I hope you are all ok , don't give up on him , he has lost his way.

muckypup73 · 29/06/2017 22:10

I think you need to scare him now, involve the police, get your hubby to press charges, meanwhile he can sleep elsewhere.

PunkRockBunny · 29/06/2017 22:10

Police!

CloudPerson · 29/06/2017 22:10

I think I would get the police involved. Sounds awful for you all, I'm so sorry.

What was his behaviour at primary like?
It definitely sounds like there's something going on that's been missed.
I don't want to start suggesting possible diagnoses, but a thorough assessment might lead to some help for him and you as a family.
This isn't excusing his behaviour, but there may well be an explanation which signposts to ways to improve your situation.

My son has ASD/PDA which leads to behaviour that sounds similar. Being able to identify this has meant we can use strategies that help to keep things calm(ish).

LouHotel · 29/06/2017 22:11

What would your Ex do if you informed him you were kicking your son out? Would he take him in?

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 29/06/2017 22:12

One of my relatives struggled with her son - trying to get help for his drug problems and being bounced endlessly between social services and the health service, each one saying it was the other's responsibility (translation: "we don't want to pay for it, they can"). Eventually she had to get the police involved - not because police involvement was magically going to sort the situation out, but as the only way of forcing social services to take the problem seriously. For that reason, if for no other, it is worth calling the police. You (as a family) cannot continue like this.

BrightonBelleCat · 29/06/2017 22:12

For gods sake 666 how unhelpful. What did his dad say when you called him?

Does he have somewhere else 'safe' he can stay where he won't act out? What is his relationship like with your parents if they are around.

OldHabitsDieHard · 29/06/2017 22:13

If his dad is a dead loss, what on earth will become of the boy if he goes to live there?!

He's just an immature kid. He sounds very troubled. Don't just give up on him. Can you not try and find out what is going on with him? Drugs?

Witchitywoo · 29/06/2017 22:16

Look at it from another angle. If you were the step parent and the child of your DH had attacked you, what would you want/expect him to do about it? Would you leave him? Want him to call the police? Tell him to kick the DC out?

simon50 · 29/06/2017 22:16

He needs tough love, put all his stuff in bin bags out the front of the house, change the locks, tell him to go live with his dad until he can behave. This needs to be a minimum of 3 months, DON'T weaken and take him back sooner.
Good luck.

Gemini69 · 29/06/2017 22:18

Call the Police... get him Charged... make him accept responsibility for his actions.. he will be assessed for mental health issues by a relevant personnel at the station... fast tracks the situation for getting help...

if you do not do this... his behaviour will escalate...

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 29/06/2017 22:18

He's always been the same though, ever since he was in primary. It's not a new thing or a teen thing. I made an appointment with the GP to explore the possibility of ASD/ADD but DS kicked off saying he would have no involvement in any of it

OP posts:
babybels · 29/06/2017 22:20

So sorry to hear of your problems with your son. I have a son with some additional needs and I, like some other posters have mentioned, wonder if there are some additional needs there that have somehow been missed?
My son has ASD and ADHD and so I'm familiar with the impulsiveness, thoughtlessness and chaotic and disorganised behaviours that can be really hard to live with.
CAMHs referral would be useful to try to get to the root of it. Is there anyone else family/ friend that he could stay with for a while to take the pressure off your family?

Good luck.

becotide · 29/06/2017 22:20

I feel obliged to point out that the OP is NOT ALLOWED BY LAW to "change the locks". He's a sixteen year old child, not an adult, and the OP is obliged to provide shelter.

However, OP you should call the police. Your son needs help and the social services will not consider this a crisis unless the police have been involved. The police can refer to social services and the youth offending service. Once you have to YOS involved they can forward you to other agencies, and young people will often talk to a non-related adultmore easily thana parent

DixieNormas · 29/06/2017 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BewareOfDragons · 29/06/2017 22:21

I'd pack his bags and tell him he's out. Let him go to his father's.

He is 16. Tell him he's lucky you didn't call the police (which, frankly, you should have).

Brandnewstart · 29/06/2017 22:21

Can you look and see if there is family mediation in your area? We have a charity that does it here. Some charities do training courses on handling violence and aggression too. Charities like Barnardos and Action for Children can offer support for parents of children up to the age of 25. Might be worth looking on local websites to see what's on offer.
I am sorry OP, horrible situation to be in. I would also think about phoning the police as violence isn't acceptable but trying to think of longer term ideas too.

Despairing42 · 29/06/2017 22:21

Call the police. I know it feels wrong to do this but honestly it's for the best.

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 29/06/2017 22:21

I have no support. My mum won't have him and I'm not close enough to any other family members (or the ones that I am close to couldn't cope with him). His dad won't even have him.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 29/06/2017 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CloudPerson · 29/06/2017 22:23

I imagine if you've had concerns for that long, enough to ask for an ex psych to come in, that your instincts are right.

If this is the case, there's a good chance that tough love and zero tolerance will do very little, he may need an alternative approach.

Have you ever heard of PDA? (Pathological demand avoidance). It might be worth having a look at the strategies used for that, if it's not too late. Sorry if I'm way off the mark, but he sounds so similar to my son (although mine's younger) I thought I'd mention it.

Cailleach666 · 29/06/2017 22:23

I feel sorry for the lad.
DS had his graduation today and has just come in and said "sorry about last night btw, can my late sleep?". I said No because of his behaviour last night. DH then starts on at him about his behaviour last night and telling him off.

Your DS came into apologise and your OH continued to escalate the situation.

He had been dealt a bad hand, parents splitting up, a dead beat father , a step father who has anger issues and a mother who wants to wash her hands of him.

I feel very sorry for this lad.

Brandnewstart · 29/06/2017 22:24

Also although your husband didn't hit him, he did escalate it by pushing him. I have recently delivered some training with an ex police officer and he showed stances and behaviours to deflate situations. Sorry if this all sounds airy fairy but it can help.