To think that annual leave should be used primarily to cover the school holidays?

[Windymills]

DH and I have one DD, 6. DH works full time and I part time, 3 days a week. Obviously this means that during the school holidays we require childcare 3 days a week.

It is my belief that as much as possible, this is what our respective annual leave should be used for, covering school holidays. This means mostly taking leave at different times although we do go on a family holiday together. It also means that there isn't much leave left for anything else.

Fortunately my parents live nearby and they have her a few times during the holidays (not masses - they're having her 5 times during summer for example). This is lucky as we wouldn't easily be able to afford much paid childcare.

DH still likes to pursue various hobbies and as a result books a handful of days off each year which are for him solely. This is where we are in disagreement. He thinks that he should be entitled to do this. I however think that our leave should be for the whole family's benefit, whether that be a holiday or day out together or just looking after DD. It goes without saying that I don't do this.

I think he's quite presumptive that my parents will look after her so he can effectively go on his jollies.

AIBU?

Well he probably prefers that to coming home from work and having to start into it himself.

Why do you think so many couples choose to have one working part-time? Big benefits in terms of time with the children, but also in doing jobs during the day that otherwise have to wait till each person comes home from work. If they are doing it right, the existence of the part-time worker will make life much easier for the full-time worker. And a sahp even more so.

Why do you think he comes home to me telling him what I've been doing? The only reason I've talked about it on this thread is because I keep getting asked! I don't go on about it and I don't expect admiration.

All DH comes home to after work is dinner on the table and a child who's already done their homework.

But you get plenty of 'me time' as you only work part time. When is he supposed to get a bit of alone time if you want to plan all of his holidays? Some, yes - but he needs a few days to enjoy hobbies and get some headspace - you get plenty. YABU

I work part time and don't get much me time on a day off - I am extremely busy and have a list of stuff to-do as long as your arm. I go to work for the rest. It's really insulting actually to imply days off are "me time". Could part time workers choose to build in more of this time? Yes, but depends what the understanding is between them and their partner about why they are at home. Our understanding is that we both work 5 days, in home or in office, and then other stuff gets fitted into the weekend.

I get the feeling that it is not time for yourself that you are after but cover for childminding during school holidays. If that is the case then YNBU. Surely his daughter comes before his self interest when you can't afford all the childcare. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, if I have this wrong then book yourself some days away too and leave DH in charge.

I get the feeling that it is not time for yourself that you are after but cover for childminding during school holidays

Absolutely and that was my original point. If we had more annual leave / could afford holiday clubs / had family really eager to look after DD, then it wouldn't be an issue at all. I don't begrudge him his time away in principle.

As for the "me time" issue though. The few hours I get whilst DD is at school cannot be compared to the time he regularly has out of the house playing cricket (averages twice a month). 1. He is gone for up to 9 hours at a time and 2. He is not attempting to do housework or anything else at the same time. When he books leave he goes away overnight and the freedom he gets is hardly the same as my non working days.

Women can be martyrs. Take one day a week while DC is at school and get a hobby. Chores will wait.

Okay. So I get a hobby and chores can wait.

Will that change the fact that we still don't have enough annual leave to cover the school holidays?

You could always work the extra two days and then have enough to pay for childcare.

Begrudging him using his annual leave for himself rather than childcare is highly unfair given that you're leaving him to finance your two days off a week.

rainbow I think the op said it didn't make financial sense for her to work more.

Op if you are working for minimum wage, a term time only job in a school might be an idea to solve the childcare headache. It is hard though

you're leaving him to finance your two days off a week.

I really resent this comment and am struggling not to write a rude reply. He is NOT financing my 2 days off a week. Me working PT makes sense for our family as I can cover most of the childcare in the school holidays. I can also do all the school runs. I can get stuff done in the week so he doesn't have to in the evenings and weekends. yes I could take on more hours but on minimum wage it would get wiped out by childcare.

Thanks missanony. I'm always on the lookout for term time jobs but they're like gold dust!

Also. Me being PT usually means that he doesn't have to ever take time off for other stuff DD related. Eg. Sports days (x2 this year!) learning afternoons, nativities, parents evenings, doctors and dentist appointments...these are all things I've been able to do thanks to having days off and it completely takes the pressure off DH. I make his life a lot easier by not working FT.

Op I agree with you. There are a lot of school holidays to cover and your dh needs to do what he reasonably can. What's more he should enjoy rare days off with his dc and they should have fun together!

how is he "financing" anything, it's OP and her parents who enable him to have the free time he does, he literally can't afford childcare for when he wants it, his money wouldn't go further if there were two households either would it. Maybe she couldn't do it without him but he couldn't do it without her either. That's how a lot of families work.

Disgusting how people will say things like that. Literally, he would become worse off without OP, that is extremely crystal clear, the whole thing is that she and her parents enable him to do this hobby, but somehow that is twisted into not only a totally equal thing but that he holds all this together? It's sick. We've had OP is a slattern, OP is doing all this to herself because she does too much housework (how is it both then?), we've also had "He deserves time off (but OP doesn't". We're skirting close to "pin money" and "little job", I'll expect those by page 10 or so

Amongst all the misogyny bingo squares, people have given good advice about splitting time fairly, and the difference between snatched minutes and hours and whole free days. And a bit of standard mumsnet head in the clouds "why not hire a nanny and a housekeeper" stuff but at least that's (probably) kindly meant, and would help the few women who could actually afford it

I don't have any more advice than any of them but OP please don't take some of the nonsense on here to heart. it's quite obvious that you're not both doing nothing all day and deliberately doing everything yourself unnecessarily, for starters, so you've got to see that at least one of those is nonsense (if not both)

I have been quite straightforwardly told my my mil that I don't deserve any time to myself as I chose to have children. Her son also chose to have children, but he needs lots of hobbies due to his magic penis.
Don't forget people also work part time so that small children (or bigger children) can sometimes come home to a parent rather than going into afterschool care every day.

Thank you rinabean.

It definitely feels on this thread like I'm being criticised by some for working PT. I do it because it feels like the right thing for our family. I wish I had a FT career and earnt more than a few hundred pounds a month but I don't. I would love to retrain in something to give me more earning power and make working FT worthwhile but we can't afford for me to do that at the moment.

On other threads women are encouraged to work part time for a better work life balance! It's really not unusual to work part time with school aged kids. I would like to but I could earn more so we'd have to weigh up What was the best situation.

Don't forget if you worked ft there would be even more holidays to cover. At least now there are only 3 out of 5 days to cover.

Exactly, that's one of the main reasons I do it!

Women are always criticised for their choices. P/T is one of the hardest because you're, well, working but you also are still expected to responsible for housework and childcare.

Women can't win either way.

I work ft (dh sahd) and can't imagine not spending my holidays with my dc! Yes it's hard work (far harder than being at work).

Sorry not particularly helpful op, but I cannot imagine disappearing twice a month for full days. I certainly wouldn't expect dh to pick up the slack.

If money is tight surely the money he spends on hotels is unnecessary. How would he feel if you took the other weekend day for your own hobby (all 9 hours of it?).

Not got time to read the post but I think u should work 5 days a week when dd is at school, your errands can be done with her after school. Then agree that u both take a set number of personal holiday days but use paid childcare for it not your parents.

9 hours every 2 weeks is not much - some people play sport 3 times a week. I'd never expect my partner to drop that if we were to have kids.

My OP had nothing to do with him playing cricket every 2 weeks. He does that at the weekends and it doesn't require either of us to take annual leave to accommodate it. I'm not sure where I said I expected him to drop it?