To think that annual leave should be used primarily to cover the school holidays?

[Windymills]

DH and I have one DD, 6. DH works full time and I part time, 3 days a week. Obviously this means that during the school holidays we require childcare 3 days a week.

It is my belief that as much as possible, this is what our respective annual leave should be used for, covering school holidays. This means mostly taking leave at different times although we do go on a family holiday together. It also means that there isn't much leave left for anything else.

Fortunately my parents live nearby and they have her a few times during the holidays (not masses - they're having her 5 times during summer for example). This is lucky as we wouldn't easily be able to afford much paid childcare.

DH still likes to pursue various hobbies and as a result books a handful of days off each year which are for him solely. This is where we are in disagreement. He thinks that he should be entitled to do this. I however think that our leave should be for the whole family's benefit, whether that be a holiday or day out together or just looking after DD. It goes without saying that I don't do this.

I think he's quite presumptive that my parents will look after her so he can effectively go on his jollies.

AIBU?

Secret of a good marriage - each partner needs a bit of time and space to do their own thing.

If you don't have any "me time" when you aren't working, you need to manufacture it. It can't be hard to take a morning a week out to do something just for you - the house can't get that dirty and untidy with only three of you. Is there a reason why you don't drive?

Thanks for all the advice and suggestions btw. It is helpful to think about how things could be done differently.

As for the what do you do all day comments...cheers. I already feel run ragged without being made to feel like I'm either actually lazy or ineffective!

We have a local leisure centre play scheme that costs £21 a day. I'm sure it won't hurt her to go a handful of days in the holidays & you can save AL for more days as a complete family.

I don't think it's odd not to have any couples holidays, we don't have anyone we could leave DD with (GPs too old/infirm, no other family nearby we could leave her with) for a weekend so there's no way. I could go away with a friend for the weekend, if I had the money, which I don't, but DH and I can't together. Is that really unusual?

It's not really the point though, and I think some people are fixating on what the OP is doing on her days off. When you've got school runs to factor in, it's not a whole lot of time to fit stuff in, and I can see that the OP is trying to keep the evenings and weekends clear, to spend time with her DH and family - I try unsuccessfully, as I'm crap at housework and really disorganised to do the same.

And it seems that arranging childcare is for the OP and her family to sort while he swans off. That's really not on.

I wasn't thinking what on earth do you do all day instead I was thinking why on earth are you trying to do all the chores on your days off. Spread it all out and relax a bit :-)

Sorry, I didn't mean holidays in that sense - just things like weekends away with the girls, staying at a friend's house, camping with your mates. Or going out just the 2 of you. I think it's good to do these things and de-stresses a bit.

Yabu

You get free time during school hours, he isn't wrong to expect a few a year.

What about playschemes? Childcare is pretty cheap once they are primary age!

I think 2 school days can disappear quickly if you genuinely try to get everything done and avoid using weekend time for chores. I'd really try to leave some chores for one of you to do at the weekend and carve out a bit of time to yourself.

You shouldn't feel bad because you're doing a great job - you have lots of time for your dc on weekends and days off, and your dh is benefitting from having fewer chores and time to himself at weekends. It's just you that's being short-changed. You do deserve time to yourself even if that's just going out for lunch on your own.

I'm surprised people saying non family holidays are so standard. We have a fortnight away as a family and a few weekends. That's what we prioritise and neither of us would have a holiday with friends. Not enough money for that now. I do have enough time with my friends now so I don't feel I'm missing out.

Op - if you're home between 4 & 8 (ish) with your dc anyway, barring activities, I would aim to get all the hw done then instead. It's good for your dc to play alone whilst you do it. Then one of your days off you go in to town for your errands. The other you do whatever it is you like to do. Enjoy life!

Windymills it's so hard. My husband and I have always taken our holiday separately to cover 3 children schools holidays and inset days and sickness. Not every year but occasionally get a week off together. No family help ( my thinks she should be living with me and have a bell in her bedroom for when she needs more cups of tea) We have disabled child and another very serious chronic health problem child and another child with other problems. It's hard you become a team over time and look at interesting ways to make it work. I am
A nurse and no supportive working so there's evenings weekends nights husband goes away a lot finds out on Friday going away for work Saturday til Tuesday ( 24 hour service ) so everything planned goes to fuck. So
Back to the ridiculous looking calendar and try to start again. What don't kills you makes you stronger. I totally get when there's money for child care! It will get easier as she gets more independent; just feels a long way sometimes.

Sorry my mum thinks she should be living with me !

I'm surprised people saying non family holidays are so standard. We have a fortnight away as a family and a few weekends. That's what we prioritise and neither of us would have a holiday with friends. Not enough money for that now. I do have enough time with my friends now so I don't feel I'm missing out.
Completely agree, I think this site attracts a more affluent demographic than I had appreciated.

If you have the money, fair enough. Many people don't though.

Sorry I'm rubbish clearly can't write! What does kill you makes you stronger ( or just a fucking idea like me !

It's all very well saying send her to play schemes for a few days, but that money adds up and then DH wouldn't be able to afford the few things he does so it all becomes a bit pointless!

Firstly working part-time is NOT having two days off a week I agree there OP!
You do end up doing every errand, housework, food shopping, childrearing, foodmaking, homework-doing, parent caring, dog walking, appointment making & attendibg task there is to do for the whole household and yes this can easily fill two days.

But, its so important for both of you to use at least some your AL totally as you wish and for the other to help out with achieving that. Youll both burn out if all you do is use your leave for 'practical' reasons. Life is for living too.

I think one of my bug bears as a couple of posters have pointed out is it's left to me to arrange the childcare with my parents, when it's solely for his benefit.

You sound like a bit of a martyr - you do all the household stuff during the week so you can have family time at the weekend, then resent your DH because he wants some time to himself. Maybe you resent a little bit the fact that he has a hobby/friends that he can do these things with and maybe you don't?

Well, that's one thing you can bat straight back at him.

I have friends. I go out occasionally in the evening or at the weekend when DH is around to look after DD. I don't resent him having hobbies, what I resent is him prioritising them over our shared childcare and assuming my parents are hanging behind the door waiting to look after DD.

Well tell him that op! If he want a day off on one of your work days he arranges some childcare.

Maybe if my parents were chomping at the bit to look after DD it would be different. You see threads on here about over invested grandparents demanding overnights etc, but they're not like that. They love DD and they are happy to help out, but they're also enjoying their retirement and like the freedom of being able to do things last minute. They can be a bit non committal and I feel guilty having to pin them down ages in advance.

"I think one of my bug bears as a couple of posters have pointed out is it's left to me to arrange the childcare with my parents, when it's solely for his benefit."

This is the issue.

I think it is fine for him to have some independent time, but he needs to realise that it comes with a childcare cost.

Divide out your parents contribution equally. If he gets a couple of days benefit from their childcare, then you get the same amount. If you ten end up with a childcare deficit, for when you are both working, you deploy paid childcare. paid for equally, depending on how you manage your money.

I've had similar issues with my dp.
I work 4 days a week and because I work shifts so get the opportunity to work evening, bank holidays and weekends. So between us it is possible for us to us to cover all the school holidays with annual leave. I also get more holidays than he does.
He also doesn't see why he should "waste" his holidays on child care.
I have 2 dd's one from before we met and we have a 6 year old together. This year is the 1st time he has ever booked his holidays soley for child care reasons.
It's not about who has the most spare time it's just basic financial management. Child care costs. Costs alot more than we can afford.
I usually pay the child minder a little extra every month so we're covered in the holidays. But recently I started to present dp with a child care Bill at the start of the holidays. He soon changed his mind how best to spend his annual leave.

It's difficult for him to arrange childcare though, the only family nearby is mine.

He also books up his jollies months in advance before we've sorted out childcare for the holidays