To think that annual leave should be used primarily to cover the school holidays?

[Windymills]

DH and I have one DD, 6. DH works full time and I part time, 3 days a week. Obviously this means that during the school holidays we require childcare 3 days a week.

It is my belief that as much as possible, this is what our respective annual leave should be used for, covering school holidays. This means mostly taking leave at different times although we do go on a family holiday together. It also means that there isn't much leave left for anything else.

Fortunately my parents live nearby and they have her a few times during the holidays (not masses - they're having her 5 times during summer for example). This is lucky as we wouldn't easily be able to afford much paid childcare.

DH still likes to pursue various hobbies and as a result books a handful of days off each year which are for him solely. This is where we are in disagreement. He thinks that he should be entitled to do this. I however think that our leave should be for the whole family's benefit, whether that be a holiday or day out together or just looking after DD. It goes without saying that I don't do this.

I think he's quite presumptive that my parents will look after her so he can effectively go on his jollies.

AIBU?

I'm assuming your husband gets 5 weeks annual leave. I think 3 weeks childcare, 1 week family holiday and 1 week to fritter away on hobbies is fair.

We'd rather save annual so we're off together and hobbies. We pay for child care during the holidays but ours is reasonable (£20 per day), he loves it and begs to go and we each earn in excess of that. We are very fortunate.

grocery shop online - via meal planning
chores between wake up/ bed time on days you work voila two 9-3 days to yourself

ft workers manage it, i'm with the crew saying your martyring yourself. Or just do less chores, get dd to do her room/ bed, you do bathroom post shower (much easier) bulk cook one day for the month then freeze.

swap with other pt mothers - you'll get shitloads done on that day as you won't have to entertain dd. i don't usually binge on netflix on those occasions

if you REALLY think about it, you can be more efficient with your time, allocate one day of not working to chores and domestic stuff, then one day to yourself 🙂

I make sure I carve out time in the week to do my hobby as I work flexibly. That means I don't feel resentful when he takes the odd long weekend to do his hobby and he doesn't feel guilty in doing so so we both happy.

TBH I think get him to book a day off on one of your non-work days and both of you spend it in bed, including rolling up to pick up your dd suspiciously cross-eyed and bed-headed. Sounds like you badly need to connect as a couple again.

I don't even believe you have to really think about it!
You can easily manage everything related to running a household in 6 hours.

annandale has it!

If you're in a position where finances are tight enough that holiday childcare is difficult to afford, yes annual leave ought to be used for this before it's used for anything else. Your DH would have no choice if there were no childcare/no affordable childcare available. However, if it's at all possible, a day or so here and there is beneficial. But for both of you equally. Your extra time during the week that you spend doing housework so it's not there for him to do at weekend and wraparound childcare is not even close to being the same thing.

I would ask your parents how much they would like to do and then if, with you DH's time off for his hobbies taken into account, if there's any shortfall then he sorts out childcare to cover it. Because I bet he thinks it's your job to sort out all the childcare, doesn't he?

Classic MN response!

I completely get where you are coming from OP. We have a very similar set up and our annual leave has to be used in school holidays mostly taken separately! And then relying on family for extra. It's just the way it is. We can't justify using annual leave on ourselves and putting on other people to look after our kids.

Oh & I also have two days a week off which are filled with shopping and housework!

you probably get an hour or so during the school day but it is not the same as a whole day going away and being able to turn off completely.

could you go away at the weekend when he is home? (saving cost of childcare but stil quality time off? )

it should be fair. I think he should have some days just for fun, but so should you. these could be at weekends.

perhaps write it all down.
list what you do on your days off. and times.
list what he does on his days off. ask him to contribute to this
work out what it all costs. and see where the balance lies and adjust accordingly.

DH still likes to pursue various hobbies and as a result books a handful of days off each year which are for him solely. This is where we are in disagreement. He thinks that he should be entitled to do this. I however think that our leave should be for the whole family's benefit, whether that be a holiday or day out together or just looking after DD. It goes without saying that I don't do this.

I think you are BVU - he is a person, not just a parent, and not EVERYTHING he does has to be for the benefit of the family! Do you never go on couples holidays or holidays with friends or on your own, without your kids? Let him have his own leisure time. It would be controlling not to.

Do you never go on couples holidays or holidays with friends or on your own, without your kids?

Er, no.

I think you need to carve out some time for you, be that in the form of leave, or on your non-work days. It is good and healthy to have some time to be you rather than mum or dad. Your dh gets that - you need it too, rather than taking his away.

I'm a SAHM to a young toddler, so a slightly different situation. But I've started taking a little time every day just for me, to do a yoga video, and I take a class on a Sunday morning. I am much happier for it, and a better mum and partner.

You need your time too. You are still a person and it's important not to lose sight of that.

Oh course OP doesn't go on holidays without her child - who would keep the housework under control

Come on OP, I neeeeeed to know what takes you 12 hours a week

I agree with the poster who said that the fact he isn't doing his share of the chores and parenting is the main issue here.

Do you both have equal amounts of child free leisure time? If not, then you both need to address this e.g less chores on your non working days and him doing more.

Joking aside: most people I know (who aren't divorced) haven't been away on holiday together without their child, at that age.

If finances don't allow for holiday childcare then have you thought about "child swapping" with a friend?

I'm with you op. If money is tight the he should prioritise leave for family reasons.

Do you never go on couples holidays or holidays with friends or on your own, without your kids?

I'm on team DH, but this tickled me.

Can't one simply have one of the nannies look after the kids, and have the cleaner do the housework?

@Windymills why on earth not?

Op i would go crackers if my husband told me i could never have time to myself that was not work or childcare/family time.

I sometimes put ny kids in extra childcare or ask him to collect them so i can have a totally random day off for entirely selfish purposes. And you know what....it makes me a much happier person

If yoi can afford a bit of extra childcare i think its reasonable he has a life....

What sounds like the issue is your life is completely focused on family and maybe you need to expand your interests and get some time for yourself

Don't be ridiculous Guepe, the OP has already said she has help from her parents, so I'm sure they would do the odd overnight; and who the hell worries about housework when they are away for the weekend?

Why the 'er, no' op? It's perfectly reasonable to leave your child with their other parent whilst you do something overnight or on a weekend day or if your dh takes a half day to relieve you of pickup duties. Or to leave them with famiky if you're fortunate to have someone willing.

I think there have been some harsh responses here. I'm just wondering OP, does your DH have any time off for childcare over the hols or is it just left for you to cover and sort with your DP? Because if he doesn't help at all or only when absolutely necessary, then that is completely unreasonable.

Come on OP, I neeeeeed to know what takes you 12 hours a week

Seriously? Well, we don't have a cleaner and I don't drive.

Once a week I'll go into town (takes longer as get the bus) not to do the main shop but top up food shopping, various other bits and pieces, presents, pick up prescriptions etc.

Pretty much all housework in terms of cleaning, washing etc. Anything else that needs occasionally doing such as DIY, decorating.

Food prep, getting it in the slow cooker if DD has an activity after school.

Household admin, phone calls etc.

I do everything on my two days off between school runs so that time is freed up for us all in the evenings and at the weekends. I don't think I'm a martyr, I just think that's fair.

I daresay people do it all in less time but probably spend a lot more time at the weekends racing around with the use of a car rather than their DH being out for 9 hours playing cricket!