To think that annual leave should be used primarily to cover the school holidays?

[Windymills]

DH and I have one DD, 6. DH works full time and I part time, 3 days a week. Obviously this means that during the school holidays we require childcare 3 days a week.

It is my belief that as much as possible, this is what our respective annual leave should be used for, covering school holidays. This means mostly taking leave at different times although we do go on a family holiday together. It also means that there isn't much leave left for anything else.

Fortunately my parents live nearby and they have her a few times during the holidays (not masses - they're having her 5 times during summer for example). This is lucky as we wouldn't easily be able to afford much paid childcare.

DH still likes to pursue various hobbies and as a result books a handful of days off each year which are for him solely. This is where we are in disagreement. He thinks that he should be entitled to do this. I however think that our leave should be for the whole family's benefit, whether that be a holiday or day out together or just looking after DD. It goes without saying that I don't do this.

I think he's quite presumptive that my parents will look after her so he can effectively go on his jollies.

AIBU?

She only has two days to herself if you consider the time between school dropoff and pickup to be "a whole day" (I bet his days to himself are longer than that) and if you believe that he does fully 50% of all of the housework and childcare and life admin (I bet he doesn't).

Can you be a bit more creative in your approach to holiday cover:
Swap childcare with a friend - you take turns to have both children.

Both you and your DH investigate flexible working options in the holidays - ask to compress your hours so you work fewer longer days, work from home.

Look into holiday clubs that offer extended days.

Send DD away to stay with family.

etc.

Does he use any of his leave for childcare? Do you get any time that's not spent on childcare, housework, errands etc?

The current situation would be unfair if he never used any of his leave for childcare, ie it was all for his hobbies or the family holiday. Or that you never got any time to pursue your own interests.

Thank you Trills, exactly. I don't really consider 9-3 a whole day in the same respect as when he takes a day off and usually is away overnight. And yes, I do the lions share of everything family home and DD related.

But you do have more time to yourself than him, you just choose to use it differently to him. You don't need to spend 6 hours a day (two days a week) on housework or cooking - take some time to yourself. Or tell him that he needs to finish early occasionally and do the school run to allow you to go away overnight once in a while.

I appreciate annual leave needs to be used for childcare for the most part, but perhaps he resents you having two days a week to yourself, when his days off (weekends, presumably) are spent on family time.

It's not unreasonable to have a handful of days in a year. Unless your family finances are utterly on the wire.
What's a days childcare? £30? £50? I'd choose that day to myself over any other equivalently priced "treat" like new clothes or a meal or night out. Obviously if you're worried you can't pay the bills that's totally different.

And yes, I do the lions share of everything family home and DD related

That is a totally different problem and the one you should be focused on.

You are sounding a bit like a martyr to be honest.

You are both entitled to "down time" away from childcare etc. I don't think him wanting to use a couple of days of his annual leave a year for that is a bad thing.

Maybe he could use some of his annual leave hours to go into work late and leave early so he can do the school runs and you can go away overnight for a few days, just the same as him.

Or can't you go away overnight at weekends ?

YABU, it's a handful of days, barely anything compared to two days a week off. Presumably he works full time and has to finance the bulk of things yet you still want him to use all his annual leave to suit you?

Unless you live in a mansion, it doesn't take two full school days to do the housework and shopping.

Yes it's "unfair" on you, but you could make the choice to ask your parents to have DD a bit more, or pay for childcare, and then you could have time off too.

Is it "unfair" on your parents? Mine would be up for looking after DC for an extra day so that I got some time for me if I wanted to go away overnight. Not all the time, but definitely 2/3 occasions in a year, they remember the relentless grind of being a parent, they know everyone needs time out sometimes.

Different if your DPs are very reluctant, or unable, but your post suggests it you that feels you're imposing rather than them saying no?

It doesn't take 2x 6 hour days to run a house with 2 adults and a child in it
Stop being a bloody martyr!

And as you don't use wraparound in term time, you're home by 16:00 presumably on the other 3 days.

If your child played or watched TV for an hour when you got in, that's 3 hours a week that would cover most of running the house even before your two non working days. You're not using a mangle are you?!

I think it's absolutely fine for you both to sometimes take annual leave to go away somewhere else, and not use it for childcare.

Of course you can go away overnight too sometimes.
You can do that on his regular days off, or on your days off and get him to book a half day on the first to pick his daughter up.

If he's doing it loads that's a different matter. Or if you really can't afford childcare and you're getting into debt for holidays cover.

He should use some of it though I think. But 6 weeks x 3 days - you only have to cover 18 days and your parents do 5 of those.
13 days between the two of you isn't much annual to use up, especially if you can stretch to a couple of days in childcare. And possibly you have a week where you take annual leave together, family holiday?

He should cover some of it, but that doesn't mean he should never have a child free day. Especially as you have 2 partial days to yourself.

Because if you're really taking 12 hours a week on house stuff, you're either filling time because it's there, or doing it wrong

You do sound like a bit of a martyr - and it's similar on so many of these sorts of threads - you feel that your DH ought to use his leave entirely to suit you and your DC - but you only work three days a week (part time) so you do have time to yourself - when does your DH have time to himself if,presumably, he works 5 days a week?

I appreciate it is not exactly the same as going away somewhere for a couple of days but If you feel so strongly that things need to be exactly equal then you need to work full time as well as your DH and then between you agree how much leave is used on childcare and how much you are both willing to spend on paid childcare.

Yabu.
A handful of days a year for some me time is hardly a lot, unless your finances are dire.
I can't see hw and running errands adds up to 12 hours per week unless for some reason it does for you. So, you have more time off in the week, every week, than he does; use it!

Alternatively, could you work 9-3 on the two days you currently have off, with both of you then doing the things you do at weekends, to earn more money for childcare in the holidays for you both to have a bit more free time.

Well I think it sounds a pretty miserable existence to think that ALL annual leave can only be used for the good of the entire family. You haven't said that your parents resent having your DD so presumably it would not be a massive problem for them to have her for an extra afternoon or two in the year to allow you to go away overnight if you wished to?

I can see both sides. I would feel annoyed if he was using leave up for personal things. Could he not do these things at weekends? However, you do get time to yourself and it is up to you how you spend your 2 days - housework, shopping, hobbies etc.

I'm currently feeling a bit smug that I manage to keep my house afloat and work full time.
What on earth are you doing for 12 hours?!

YABU re a few days leave annually, but I do understand how you feel.

You do need to do a few things for/by yourself too.

Anyway, just talk to him about divvying it up, be note flexible.

Do you both get 25 days or only 20?

If it's 25, then 2 weeks both off together in the summer with your daughter, 1 week off another time together, 1 week for childcare days and 1 week for stuff on your own (5 days).

If summer is 6 weeks, you've got 2 covered with a family holiday. In the other 4 weeks you have 2 days off anyway - so 12 to cover. Your parents do 5.
So that's just 7 days to split between you - wouldn't even use up the week off each that I allocated - and ignores that you could use the odd day of holiday club.

I think if your dh has time out at weekends then he can pick up the slack with housework so you don't do as much and can have some me time on your days off.

From September I will have one child free school day off a week. I certainly won't use all 6 hours to do chores! I'll probably go to the gym, then do grocery shopping and then cooking or housework.

Half of his holiday time? Unreasonable.
'a handful of days'? Fair enough.

You work both part-time (3 days) AND school hours so about 18 hours? I do sympathise- I work school hours and the housework/school runs/activities etc have to fit in around it and it's a bit depressing in a "daily grind" way. But I work school hours every day, pretty much, and have arranged it this for the flexibility, so I can't really complain about it.

If you get 2 school days "free" completely of work, then yes your DH probably should be allowed some annual leave just to himself.

If it's the lack of full days and overnights in your case, fix that.

If it's that he expects to be able to go off with no inconvenience to himself - that you'll organise/provide all the childcare without him doing anything for you, then tackle that.

But you can't force him to be of the same opinion as you, that ALL time off from work should be parenting or in company of his family. If you like it, that's fine. But if you don't, and want some of what he has, some extra childcare or days with your DPs won't harm your DD at all.

I def agree that you could start to prioritise some of your child-free time to do something for yourself. I used to do that when I worked part time. DH saw that I had plenty of time 'off' for childcare, but then time on my own once they'd started school, and I made sure that some of it was used for practicalities, but some for what I wanted to do.

I have a similar gripe about my DH not seeming to want to spend his time off with the DDs. I teach spend all of the 13 weeks a year off they have with them. DH spends one week off with them.

One memorable year he waited til I went back to work and they restarted school and then booked himself a week off.

Last year, I took them abroad without him (as it suits both of us best that way) and he took that week off.

This year, he's booked 2 weeks. The week we are away and the week we are back so at least he'll spend some of their holiday time with them.

Maybe you could both compromise a bit.

I'm in a similar situation - I work 3 days a week and DH works full time. He takes a couple of days of annual leave once a year and goes on a long weekend away with a couple of friends - they do a sport together. Only a couple of days though, so less than your DH.

I also have a couple of weekends away with friends, not taking annual leave because I don't work on a Friday (DH comes home early to pick up the DC from school). Could you do something like that?

Also, as others have said, don't feel guilty about taking a bit of time for yourself on your days off. No need to spend it all doing jobs!

Me and my dp also do this
He is off with the kids At Christmas and Easter and I do the oct' Feb and may half terms, also we also have two weeks together in August. We have nobody to look after them apart from holiday club though so it makes sense to us to do it this way. To try and keep the holiday club costs down .