Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that annual leave should be used primarily to cover the school holidays?

203 replies

Windymills · 29/06/2017 20:01

DH and I have one DD, 6. DH works full time and I part time, 3 days a week. Obviously this means that during the school holidays we require childcare 3 days a week.

It is my belief that as much as possible, this is what our respective annual leave should be used for, covering school holidays. This means mostly taking leave at different times although we do go on a family holiday together. It also means that there isn't much leave left for anything else.

Fortunately my parents live nearby and they have her a few times during the holidays (not masses - they're having her 5 times during summer for example). This is lucky as we wouldn't easily be able to afford much paid childcare.

DH still likes to pursue various hobbies and as a result books a handful of days off each year which are for him solely. This is where we are in disagreement. He thinks that he should be entitled to do this. I however think that our leave should be for the whole family's benefit, whether that be a holiday or day out together or just looking after DD. It goes without saying that I don't do this.

I think he's quite presumptive that my parents will look after her so he can effectively go on his jollies.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BusyBeez99 · 29/06/2017 22:00

I have lots of days off work to do my own stuff. DH does the same. We use some leave in school holidays. But mostly we use holiday clubs. I think he's perfectly reasonable

Phineyj · 29/06/2017 22:00

I am the DH in your situation (although I do more housework and admin than him - definitely not 12 hours a week between us though) and I would be most annoyed if he tried to prevent me going away now and again for a few days. The difference is that we negotiate (he doesn't want to go away for leisure things but he does work trips away which are optional and he likes to do one day events). We have a 4 yo.

We can afford to pay for childcare though which obviously helps as our DPs are too far away and too old respectively to do whole days. DH wouldn't have an issue taking DD to his parents if I was away, however. They even went on a business trip with him and DD once.

Do you have any potential to increase your wage a bit to make things easier? I don't think it's realistic to cover 13 weeks of school holiday just with AL and family, not indefinitely.

BusyBeez99 · 29/06/2017 22:00

I do all the stuff you do plus have a full time job.

Original poster
Windymills · 29/06/2017 22:01

I'm just wondering OP, does your DH have any time off for childcare over the hols or is it just left for you to cover and sort with your DP?

He covers some of it but due to using some of it for his own hobbies yes I'm left to sort it out with my parents.

Somebody suggested getting together with other parents to share childcare in the holidays and I think that is definitely something to look into moving forward.

OP posts:
Toomanycats99 · 29/06/2017 22:02

I will always take 4-5 days a year to myself. I need that space. I may go shopping with no children and no phone calls from a husband wondering when I will be home. I might just get some nice food for lunch and stay in bed reading a book. Whatever I do I need the time and space to myself. What's worse I do it on the 1 day a week they are in breakfast and afterschool club so it's truly a whole day for me!

Original poster
Windymills · 29/06/2017 22:03

I do all the stuff you do plus have a full time job.

I don't see how anybody could get all that done in the week if they are also doing a full time job. You must be either doing some of it at the weekends surely?

OP posts:
Phineyj · 29/06/2017 22:06

I think you are just using your time differently. I'm a teacher and if I plan really carefully, I get 1-2 evenings a week free and a couple of two hour slots at the weekend. The rest of the time I am working, entertaining DD or rushing around doing jobs. I don't cook much and I don't watch TV.

I can appreciate if you don't drive that it takes up a lot more time to get some things done. Is there a reason you haven't learnt?

Original poster
Windymills · 29/06/2017 22:07

I think if I had posted that I only work 3 days a week, and WIBU to spend my 2 days off pursuing hobbies meaning that all housework and errands needed to be done in the evenings and weekends, meaning that it encroached upon family time and DH has to do it as well as a full time job, everybody would be saying how unreasonable I was. So I can't win really.

OP posts:
lborgia · 29/06/2017 22:08

I understand the unbelievable grind of being the childcare person, and I frequently go from being more than full time to just 2 days a week.. and back again.

When I'm full time, I don't have to deal with the completely boring minutae of getting hte kids ready in the morning, the keeping them occupied/anything but screens when they finally run out of things to do after school...and I really REALLY resent the fact that 5 hours is supposed to be "you have a whole day to yourself". It's not.

YOU need.a break. Even if DH is going to watch paint dry cricket one weekend in two, there's the other weekend where you SHOULD just get up, have a shower, leave the house, and go and do something for as long as you want. You may not like your own company. You may not have the sort of friends/ any friends to go to the shops with/see a film... but even if you just get yourself a book at the library, take yourself out for breakfast... get a cheap pedicure. DH must spend some money on petrol? Hobby-related items? Tickets? Do you feel that you can't afford to do anything interesting or nice?

I hate the way our house looks when I'm working full time, it really really depresses me - almost as much as yelling at everyone else to pull their bloody weight. If the agreement (spoken or not) is that DH doesn't have to bother with thinking about or doing anything house/family related because you do it in your 2 days a week, then you do not have 12 whole hours to yourself.

Have a bit of a think about the whole issue - sounds to me as if you need a break.

MistressDeeCee · 29/06/2017 22:08

YANBU. Parenting means sacrifices there's no point pretending differently. Stuff gets put on hold till the DCs grow up to the stage hols childcare not needed, and then normal service resumes. Your DH should not assume you & your parents will always pick up the slack.

MistressDeeCee · 29/06/2017 22:08

YANBU. Parenting means sacrifices there's no point pretending differently. Stuff gets put on hold till the DCs grow up to the stage hols childcare not needed, and then normal service resumes. Your DH should not assume you & your parents will always pick up the slack.

MistressDeeCee · 29/06/2017 22:08

YANBU. Parenting means sacrifices there's no point pretending differently. Stuff gets put on hold till the DCs grow up to the stage hols childcare not needed, and then normal service resumes. Your DH should not assume you & your parents will always pick up the slack.

Sirzy · 29/06/2017 22:08

But there is a balance between the two surely?

What sort of errands take two full days?

cantthinkofausernamerightnow · 29/06/2017 22:09

He is selfish.

BusyBeez99 · 29/06/2017 22:14

OP I do stuff before work and then when I get home whilst child is eating dinner/doing homework. I get the food shop delivered and top up with bits after work and before collecting from after school club. I also put washing on timer so it's ready when we get home which isn't about 5.30pm. I leave at 7am so get up at 5am. I plan. Been doing this 11 years so am a pro at finding the odd 30 minutes. At weekends i fit in bits and bobs around DS watching a film or playing on games. You don't have to fit everything into the week days - no one says you can't make tidying and laundry part of family life at the weekends.

Original poster
Windymills · 29/06/2017 22:14

no errands take 2 days obviously. You're ignoring everything else I posted.

OP posts:
NameChangr678 · 29/06/2017 22:16

*Do you never go on couples holidays or holidays with friends or on your own, without your kids?

Er, no.*

Sorry, I think that's really odd.

Everyone needs some time to themselves. I would hate for my life to revolve entirely around my kids. My parents went on couples holidays or with friends and left me with my gran for the week - I didn't die, and they were probably much happier and more relaxed for it.

I'd be so pissed off if my partner told me what I could and couldn't use my annual leave for. Clearly, you don't think you're being unreasonable, so I'm not sure why you started this thread - probably why we all start AIBUs - to hope that people will agree with us.

Spudlet · 29/06/2017 22:17

Apologies if I've missed it, but what does your dh do towards the running of the household?

Original poster
Windymills · 29/06/2017 22:17

You don't have to fit everything into the week days - no one says you can't make tidying and laundry part of family life at the weekends.

I know, and I guess that's the crux of it really. It just feels that one of the benefits of me being part time is that it doesn't have to be done at the weekend.

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 29/06/2017 22:18

Well yes you would have been called unreasonable if you'd said 'I have 2 days off a week WITH to spend them perusing my hobbies'. If you had said 'I have 2 days off a week WI U to spend a handful of days annual leave a year persuing my hobbies' I don't think you would have been called unreasonable.

Original poster
Windymills · 29/06/2017 22:20

Sorry, I think that's really odd.

We save all year to be able to take a holiday as a family with DD. Unfortunately a separate holiday alone or as individuals are not an option financially. I know plenty of people who can't afford a holiday full stop, so feel quite fortunate that we manage one together. Must be lovely to be so affluent that you find that odd!

OP posts:
Original poster
Windymills · 29/06/2017 22:21

Apologies if I've missed it, but what does your dh do towards the running of the household?

Not an awful lot! He washes up most evenings and does his own ironing. Puts the odd bin out if I ask him.

OP posts:
BusyBeez99 · 29/06/2017 22:23

You are trying to fit too much in during the week. Leave some chores to the weekend. and I still think you both should have some annual leave when you have me time. Pop
Child in holiday club and take a day off. It's amazing how you can recharge the batteries with one day

We took four days away each year from DS AGED 0 to 9 years and he went to grandparents and we had a lovely us time

BusyBeez99 · 29/06/2017 22:25

My DH does all the things I don't fancy doing like bins. washing cars, gardening, mending things, taking child to park on a Sunday opening. I do the 'home' and family finances. Maybe your DH needs to do a bit more then you won't feel so put upon

Spudlet · 29/06/2017 22:26

You se I think that's a problem. He's working full time, but so,are you in effect, because you have a job and then do the vast majority of the life admin. Which is fine except that you're not getting a break from that because wifework doesn't have an annual leave policy.

So in fact it seems to me that what needs to happen is for either some chores to be let slip or for your dh to step up a bit more so you achieve parity in terms of downtime.

Also, I understand what you mean about a separate holiday, but could (for example) your parents have your dd overnight so you can have a day or two for you? Have a day out somewhere local, go out for a meal or even stay in and cook something nice... reconnect a bit. Or even just have a day out. But together.