To think that annual leave should be used primarily to cover the school holidays?

[Windymills]

DH and I have one DD, 6. DH works full time and I part time, 3 days a week. Obviously this means that during the school holidays we require childcare 3 days a week.

It is my belief that as much as possible, this is what our respective annual leave should be used for, covering school holidays. This means mostly taking leave at different times although we do go on a family holiday together. It also means that there isn't much leave left for anything else.

Fortunately my parents live nearby and they have her a few times during the holidays (not masses - they're having her 5 times during summer for example). This is lucky as we wouldn't easily be able to afford much paid childcare.

DH still likes to pursue various hobbies and as a result books a handful of days off each year which are for him solely. This is where we are in disagreement. He thinks that he should be entitled to do this. I however think that our leave should be for the whole family's benefit, whether that be a holiday or day out together or just looking after DD. It goes without saying that I don't do this.

I think he's quite presumptive that my parents will look after her so he can effectively go on his jollies.

AIBU?

Gosh,

I think I'd be shot down in flames then. I work FT, (dh is SAHD)

I've worked a flexi pattern for the last couple of years, meaning I get 3 days off a month by working longer days. Ive always used those days to bugger off into the hills to indulge my hobby. Fuck housework. It'll be there when I get back. DH often swaps his school run stuff so he can join me.

Life is too short

He can research holiday clubs, childminders etc, can't he? And I would certainly make it clear that your parents are not happy to be default childcare.

Put him in touch with a local child minder or out of school club. Explain that your dm isn't your nanny and although she willing to help out she isn't to be relied up on as a permanent child minder. I'm sure your dm has her own life and hobbies to be getting on with

School aged single child, working 15/17 hours a week? I'd be expecting most housework to be done by that parent.

Re holidays, I think you can't expect him to give up his hobby but you don't have one so not quite comparable. It's tricky to justify booking in time for nothing

Sorry but it seems to me that he thinks child care is just your responsibility.
I was so close to dropping my dd of at his works once while I went to work. It really got to that point.
I've offered several times to become a sahp then he can use his holidays as he likes. But then he would have to support us all financially. Which he wasn't prepared to do

Hobby=personal time, doing nothing (or whatever the hell you want) = personal time.
OP doesn't have to have a hobby to deserve some time to herself.

I think you two need to sit down and actually do the sums on this.

Dd needs to be cared for gor 260 week days a year.

School covers 190 of these.
You working part time covers another 28 of these.
Bank holidays another 8.
It is reasonable to ask your parents to cover (say) 6 of them.
Family holiday covers 3 more of them.
You can afford (say) 6 days of holiday care.

That is 241 days. So 19 days left. Plus need another 3 days to cover sports day, assemblies, Dd being ill etc. So need 22 days altogether.

You have (say) 14 days holiday a year once you have taken off the weeks family holiday. He has 22 days post the holiday. So a total of 36 days to play with.

So 14 days left once all the holidays are covered. Maybe would like another week and another long weekend off together at some point during the holidays - cost of 7 days. So 7 days left.

You now get to decide how to split them. 3.5 days each? Or he could have 5 and you have 2 (say) but you also get to spend a number of your "in the week" days off on yourself - this means that he will need to sacrifice his golf some weekends in order to get everything done.

This is how we do it. Unfortunately we always end up with exactly 0 days spare left to split between us but that is because we prefer to spend more time off as a family of 4 rather than take it in turns to have the kids and then get days off to ourselves.

Different strokes etc....

It's fair enough you organise the childcare when it concerns your parents.

If I were you I'd say, next time he talks about booking time off for himself, that your parents are able to do x days and therefore he should cover x days or he needs to keep x days for looking after ds.

I think if you have no other viable alternative then it's just what you have to do. But, no, I don't think it's what annual leave 'should' be for!!

Seems pretty straightforward to me. Take a day a week to do chores and a day a week to do something you enjoy. You work less than your husband, so I think it's okay for him to want a few days off as well. If your parents don't want to do that much babysitting, pay a childminder occasionally.

Agree that everyone probably ideally needs a bit of time off from family AND work.

However, I can see why you would resent your setup a bit as it seems your parents are very kindly doing some childcare thinking that they are supporting the family when actually they are just supporting your DH and his hobbies. That's not fair. Mumoftwoyoungkids' suggestion upthread seems sensible. Try it!

Although I'm a full time working LP of 2 primary kids with no family support so your setup sounds quite blissful really

As for the what do you do all day comments...cheers. I already feel run ragged without being made to feel like I'm either actually lazy or ineffective!

I'm with you OP. I think people underestimate the work that goes into running a home.

It's also wrong of him to expect you to arrange childcare without consulting you first.

Yep single parent here with no parents in this country to help out with childcare. I use every single day of annual leave to cover school holidays and still have to use and pay for playschemes etc for the remainder of school hols, inset days and elections.
Whilst I appreciate your question I wish I had your set up

We've got 4 kids. Two with illnesses that require regular hospital trips.I work 30 hours and DP full time. My day "off" each week is spent with our youngest (she's 3). Am baffled how you can need 2 days a week off to run the household! Work expands to fill the time we give it. Organise at least half that time to be time to yourself and you won't feel quite so resentful.

But yes, your parents help should be to ease the pressure on both of you. Tell your DH to grow up and help organise some of the childcare for the holidays - your daughter would probably really enjoy to do some activity club or similar!

Could you learn to drive? That seems to be very isolating for you. I learnt finally at 33 when I realised how isolated it was making me.

I'd definitely start with making DH responsible for organising childcare to cover his trips away for hobbies.

Why can't he ask them himself? My DH would have to ask himself on a similar situation (& my DOs may or may not say yes depending on why he was asking, notice period etc). Similarly I will ask my MIL if I need her help. Granted, usually we default to asking our own parents as first port of call, but not always. He's just as capable of asking your DPs for a favour as you are, and if they say no then he'll need to deal with it. And it releases you from the guilt that you're imposing on them.

Maybe the OP has higher standards of cleanliness than those who are aghast that it can take two days to complete household chores.

Whoever is saying 'just pay for childcare' obviously doesn't get that they can't afford it! OP's DH only has the cash for the jollies because his inlaws do free childcare while he's away.

I'm with you OP, and had a similar set up. My parents local, his not. My advice is if DH books random days give HIM your parent's number and make him phone to ask. He may feel awkward about it but that's the price you pay.

It's what I did with my DH in the end for similar stuff. He booked two days off for a long weekend and I said 'Oh dear, I'm working then and I've no annual leave left. What is going to happen to DC?'

He had the awkwardness of explaining it all to my parents and 'begging' for childcare. On one occasion my parents were busy so he ended up asking friends to ask their wives etc. He sorted it but he 'got' the repercussions of booking fun days without checking. Suddenly it was his problem, not mine, which I think is fair enough.

I think one of my bug bears as a couple of posters have pointed out is it's left to me to arrange the childcare with my parents, when it's solely for his benefit.

Being the main earner so that you have the luxury of just doing a few hours of week is a huge responsibility yet you begrudge him a few days of annual leave for himself as well as one phone call to ask for childcare.

Of course you should do the bulk of the house stuff as you work far less so it's only fair. I'd expect him to do it all if roles were reversed.

"Being the main earner so that you have the luxury of just doing a few hours of week is a huge responsibility yet you begrudge him a few days of annual leave for himself as well as one phone call to ask for childcare. "

The OP works 3 days, not 'a few hours' and spends the other two days doing the domestic work. That adds up to a f/t job.

As for Border's DH passing childcare on to friends' wives ... see how one way and another men expect the default position to be that they get leisure days, women (some woman, somewhere) looks after their children.

DH and I both work f/t. He did an equal share of childcare, including reciprocal childcare with friends.

I think one of my bug bears as a couple of posters have pointed out is it's left to me to arrange the childcare with my parents, when it's solely for his benefit.

Well no, the childcare is also to enable you to work. And (depending on relationships obviously) it's more natural for you to talk to your own parents surely?

I don't think a few annual leave days is a big deal. OP is not in paid work for 2 days a week, and for after school time on every school day. I know that she chooses to spend all of it doing household chores, but it would be perfectly possible for her to (say) organise for DD to go to a friend's house after school every so often and have the whole day to do whatever she wanted. Paid work is much less flexible!

I'd like to see the same posters who say two days at home a week is a luxury, more than enough time for leisure etc, go on some SAHM threads and explain to them that they have four days a week to paint their toenails.
And to the pp saying the childcare is to enable the OP to work, don't be so ridiculous - if there is a clash between paid employment and a hobby/jolly/trip then the paid employment goes ahead and the other person reschedules - or sorts out childcare.

@crocodilesoup, I have done. I've said plenty of times that the amount of work people make for themselves is ridiculous.

I agree with the rest of what you say though.

I work 3 days a week so like you, it means that we need 3 days each holiday to cover. My DH does Oct half term, Feb half Term, Easter and two weeks summer. I do two weeks summer and take three days unpaid.

We have only had one family holiday in 6 years, we don't have the cover to take holidays together and holiday clubs are full and never cover what we need.

I get other holiday but work as a Nanny so I only get a share of the parents holiday. She gets 17 days, I get 6 of those days.

I'd like to see the same posters who say two days at home a week is a luxury, more than enough time for leisure etc, go on some SAHM threads and explain to them that they have four days a week to paint their toenails

Don't you mean 5? If you have one child in school full time and are a SAHM, you DO have a lot of time to yourself. I did. No need to pretend otherwise.

Do your parents mind having the kids regularly so your DH can go off? Or are they reluctant and you are taking the flak OP? I do feel that for his jollies, he should arrange and pay for childcare. My DPIL are more than happy to help, but I would hate to take advantage so for our individual hobbies my DH and I try to manage between ourselves as much as possible so we don't feel guilty asking for help when we really need it.

Re the housework, I am a SAHM and could quite easily fill all day every day with chores so I know where you're coming from! I plan time out to make sure I don't! Try and fit in some time for you. If that means DH helping out more, so be it.