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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That she still refers to herself as wife ?

166 replies

StepMum2Be · 29/06/2017 08:50

My partner is in the late stages of his divorce and it finally feels like the financial order may be making progress (fingers crossed). He's been separated 3.5 years and with me for 2.5 of them. His ex insists on calling herself his wife and referring to him as husband. I understand that legally this is still the case but AIBU to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:
AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 01/07/2017 12:31

Epic backtracking there. You know your earlier posts are still there, we can see what you wrote? You can't just change your story like that.....

Original poster
StepMum2Be · 01/07/2017 12:44

How have I backtracked? I think it's time I distanced myself from this bunch of nasty people. Good luck to those of you who have nothing better to do than insult someone you don't know.

OP posts:
AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 01/07/2017 12:46

Bit of a difference between answering his emails pretending to be him, and helping him a bit with drafts because he's dyslexic. Nice try though.

Lovedlost · 01/07/2017 12:46

Statemented Dyslexic, or just crap at spelling?
Yes, it does make a difference.

Boredboredboredboredbored · 01/07/2017 12:49

I separated from my h a year ago now. We have no plans to divorce yet and when I speak of him to others I still refer to him as my husband....because he still is! Feels odd saying ex husband if we are still legally married.

Oldbutstillgotit · 01/07/2017 12:56

OP my kids are in their thirties and my long time exh is still involved - grandchildren etc. I am not thrilled but accept that's what happens when you have children together. You sound very insecure and , frankly, delusional if you think your DP's children's mother is going to conveniently disappear once/if you marry .

Aquathest · 01/07/2017 13:13

@StepMum2Be
My post is in no way an attempt to insult you but your behaviour does sounds very controlling.

You appear to want to control:

  1. What terminology your partners wife uses
  • She is still his wife. Just because her correct terminology clearly unsettles you, it doesn't make her a bad person who is trying to upset you. Until they are divorced, you have to accept this is you being over sensitive about her use of the word.
  1. How much money is agreed in the financial settlement of a marriage you were not party to
  • Yes the financial order will affect your future plans but seeing as though the money in the financial order is to support your DPs DC, I don't see why you get to have a say?
You got involved with a man who had DC before your relationship existed and therefore need to accept his DC's needs come before any of your future plans. You and your DP's future financial plans should be based on what you can afford from your joint net income after the money to support his DC is deducted each month.
  1. The level of interaction between two co-parents regarding their DC
  • His wife is not an OW who is showing up to demand time after your relationship started. She is the Mother of his DC and Grandmother to any future DGC and you stated that their split was amicable. So why would they not continue to talk amicably about their DC beyond the age of youngest DC turning 18?
Will your DP have to bow to your demands that he banishes his current wife completely from your lives after DC turn 18, because you cannot accept hearing or dealing with his past relationship before you?

Not everybody is cut out to be a SP, it is an incredibly hard job.
Going into a relationship where DP already has DC and thinking you can control what happens because you are now 'on the scene' will be horrid for all involved and definitely not be amicable.

I think you should reassess if you will honestly be able to put your soon to be DSC needs before your own (just as you would any of your future DC) as if you are incapable of doing so, this is not the relationship for you and more importantly you are definitely not the SM your DPs DC need.

Crochetthedayaway · 01/07/2017 13:27

This woman will be an ongoing part of your life even if not a regular part when the children grown up. These children will always be part of a web that keeps you connected. There will be events when you will be expected to be in the same room and at the very least be civil to each other. You may need to be a little more realistic about this. She may well have another partner and the same would apply to them. The children didn't ask for any of this and there is a need for the adults to behave like grown ups.

TheLegendOfBeans · 01/07/2017 13:34

If you want your step children to hate your guts then carry on hating the ex for no reason.

I can actually see crazy logic in your argument, but I'm seeing it from the perspective of the footloose and fancy free 25yo that I was when I v v nearly took up with a man who was seperated and had a child.

Irrational jealousies happen. It's a fact. But it's keeping a lid on those and not acting, thinking and (undeniably) behaving in such a way that will guarantee you being seen as "trouble" and risk you being forever on the outside.

FWIW; I don't believe your DP has dyslexia. I think he's got a "backbone deficiency" but your statement of 12:22 today smells of porkies.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 01/07/2017 13:50

I just don't really want his soon to be ex-wife to spend anymore time in my life that she is already occupying
She isn't occupying any time in your life except where you choose to involve yourself. She has and always will have a role in your partner's life because she is the mother of his children.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 01/07/2017 14:01

Yep, if you want limited contact with her you are going the wrong way about it. Whatever your reasons for reading and writing your bf's emails for him, if you didn't get involved you would have a lot less contact with her. Even if the dyslexia is so bad that your OH can't draft his own emails, then surely you aren't the right person to be getting dragged into it? Doesn't he have a friend or relative who can help?

If what you really mean is that she occupies your partner's life, then that's a silly attitude; she is trying to divorce the guy and also has children with him. She is going to be part of his life in some shape or form. How easy you make that on yourself is up to you really.

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/07/2017 14:13

You sound very controlling and quite naive tbh

She will always be in his life. They will forever have a bond. You can't change that. If you can't accept it then you really aren't cut out to be a step mum.

KarmaNoMore · 01/07/2017 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2017 15:19

As long as you're only addressing the perceived negative comments on this thread, you're avoiding confronting the very real issues here.

You're struggling with being a step-mum
You're struggling with have a married DP
You're struggling with boundaries

You need to have a very real conversation with yourself about whether this relationship is right for you. You might love him and 'treat the children like your own' (really doubtful BTW, it's just really not likely) but the situation is what it is. In 20 years you could be at the top table with him and her. You could be in a hospital if something happens to one of the children. Funerals... Anything. Because they are all linked forever. Do you actually WANT this? Not put up with it; WANT IT.

Ch33s3cake1 · 01/07/2017 16:11

Legally she is the wife

When divorced she will be the ex wife

CosmoClock · 01/07/2017 16:15

So true MrsPratchett. The real issues are there.

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