That she still refers to herself as wife ?

[StepMum2Be]

My partner is in the late stages of his divorce and it finally feels like the financial order may be making progress (fingers crossed). He's been separated 3.5 years and with me for 2.5 of them. His ex insists on calling herself his wife and referring to him as husband. I understand that legally this is still the case but AIBU to be annoyed by this?

It's fine to feel annoyed about this, you're entitled to be irritated.

And she's entitled to call herself his wife, because she is.

You're both right.

Who said she was the OW? Genuine question; I can't see it.

Re the op, don't make a big deal of it. Officially she is his wife, but soon won't be. No oint getting annoyed about it.

No point*

YABU.

I've been separated for years but until that decrees absolute is through ex is still my bloody husband. Gave up referring to him as anything else as it just gets too complicated. I used to say soon to be ex husband but it's been dragging on for 2 years now-.

decaff sixth response in is, despite the OP clearly stating that there was a year long gap between separation and meeting, 'did he leave her for you?' Because for some posters, a woman can't be with a separated man unless she stuck a fish hook in him and reeled him away from his wife.

Thank you you!

To those who asked no I was not the reason for their amicable split. I met him a year after they separated. The decree nisi is issued and they're fighting over money before the absolute can be awarded. It's taking a very very long time. She refers to herself as wife and him as husband in her emails and letters to him as they're trying to do as much without solicitors as possible.

Yes technically they are still married butbthe word WIFE carries much more meaning

This. On paper they are married. She's his wife only on paper. She hasn't been his wife emotionally for a long time though.

She refers to herself as wife and him as husband in her emails and letters to him as they're trying to do as much without solicitors as possible.

Well, maybe it's handy shorthand for the legal relationship they have had but are in the process of dissolving, if the context is correspondence about financial stuff? I mean, it's different to her bouncing into parties and introducing herself as 'Hi, I'm Angela, Bob's wife!' or sending him 'From your loving wife' Christmas cards.

If its emails re the divorce, how should she refer to herself? It makes sense to call herself his wife in these sorts of emails, as she still is, officially at least.

Well it makes perfect sense for her to do so given that it's a legal situation and she has to be clear who she is referring to.

I kind of think if this type of thing bothers you, a relationship with a formerly married father is going to throw a lot more challenges in your direction and you'd better be mentally steeling yourself for them now.

I know a divorced couple who use husband/wife to refer to the other about as often as they say ex or mother/father of my kids. Neither is remarried although one has a long-term partner. It's just what they got used to and means nothing about any deeper desire to be together.

What else could she refer to him as? He's not her ex-husband and she's not his ex-wife.

If they're wrangling over money then it isn't that amicable, surely?

Im not sure what else she should refer to herself as whilst they are still married?

Shes having the desired effect, rise above it and don't let her get to you. Whether it's because she's struggling to come to terms with the divorce, or she's deliberately trying to antagonise both reasons are ultimately pitiful, the latter because she's obviously got nothing better to do.
Ignore and don't let her get to you.

YANBU.

Legally, yes she is. Morally/emotionally... They are separated. She's just making herself look a bit sad, like she's desperately clinging onto rotting piece of wood to stop herself drowning.

But she is his wife? How else would she refer to their relationship in emails when discussing their divorce.

No need to divorce if they're not husband and wife!

I still refer to the kids dad as my husband or ex but he's not my ex husband

Oh and I dumped him so I'm not desperately clinging to rotting drift wood

It is correct for his wife to call herself that in emails and for her to address her husband as her husband.
You say they are batting about money. She is writing everything clearly and correctly incase it goes to court.
I see no issue here.

How on earth else would she refer to him in the context of discussions about their divorce? It's not like she's introducing him as her husband at parties!

I don't understand why she wouldn't refer to herself in her valid, legal term, while having legal discussions. Unless there is another time she is doing this, or more to the story, YABU.

During my divorce, I used "husband" whenever "estranged husband" became too much of a mouthful. I wouldn't have dared to use "ex-husband" until it was actually true. Too much like tempting fate.

In this case, it sounds like she's making a point to HIM, not you. Maybe some kind of NLP witchcraft; "Settle and we'll both be free" ?

Neither of you are. She is doing it because legally wife and husband have a different legal standing and therefore I assume is making it clear her demands and expectations relate to that in terms of the finances. Being a wife (which she still is makes a big difference)

I get that it rankles but unless she is going around saying it outside of the emails what do you expect her to say

In other words, if that's the only context in which she's using those terms, you're being over sensitive.