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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That she still refers to herself as wife ?

166 replies

StepMum2Be · 29/06/2017 08:50

My partner is in the late stages of his divorce and it finally feels like the financial order may be making progress (fingers crossed). He's been separated 3.5 years and with me for 2.5 of them. His ex insists on calling herself his wife and referring to him as husband. I understand that legally this is still the case but AIBU to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:

TequilaSunshine · 30/06/2017 00:29

He shows me the emails, I often reply to them as him!! No she doesn't know, yes he does!

Whaaaat?! Who does that?! No, you don't do that. You don't contact her and pretend to be her ex husband!
She should know who she's talking to. That's seriously weird.

TequilaSunshine · 30/06/2017 00:32

Trying to put myself in the shoes of that situation.
DH answering my emails and pretending to be me. No. Just why would you? The person contacting you wants to be contacting YOU. Not your weird controlling partner reading the messages and pretending to be you.

sleeponeday · 30/06/2017 01:20

He shows me the emails, I often reply to them as him!! No she doesn't know, yes he does!

And

I'm not a natural step mum and find it very hard dealing with his "wife" and their former life.

I'm afraid I am wincing for his child or children. He and his wife are going to be co-parents until they die. Given you say the split was amicable, and you didn't know them at the time... why do you find their past hard? It's shaped him into who he is today.

This is such a sad thing to read. Really sad. I feel for the children in this, and I note that a previously amicable situation is now being managed by someone who thinks it's her place to intervene in their financial arrangements for the future of their kids, and that she does so knowing she is resentful of the ex's very existence.

Perhaps if you didn't read and respond to emails never meant for your eyes, much less interference, you could spare yourself this irritation?

Bloomed · 30/06/2017 01:32

Yes sleeponeday. This is all very fucked up.

AvaCrowder2 · 30/06/2017 01:59

Why do you even care? She is his wife until they divorce. What has she done to you?

Really what has she done to you?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/06/2017 02:22

It is deeply odd for him to show you the emails regarding his divorce, let alone you replying pretending to be him.

I was still married but very separated when I met DH. I absolutely wouldn't have countenanced behaving as your DP is. It's incredibly disrespectful to the mother of his children and someone he loved. Be aware that you are only one step from him treating you like this.

NaiceBiscuits · 30/06/2017 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShitStorm2017 · 30/06/2017 08:09

Each time she says it just say 'not for much longer', she'll get fed up.

Lostin3dspace · 30/06/2017 09:01

Surely Legally speaking it is important she refers to herself as wife and him as husband, particularly if financial separation has not been legally achieved. Depending on your working arrangements, you might be a potential drain on the marital assets.
If I had discovered my exh' new beau was replying as if she was him during my financial and divorce negotiations I would have pursued a case of fraud. I certainly would have used that against him in the family court at the very least.

Zampa · 30/06/2017 09:13

I wasn't involved in OH's divorce but he does show me his ex's emails regarding the children and various arrangements. I also help him draft responses. I'm as affected by the decisions they make together as they are. I therefore have some sympathy with the OP with involving herself here, especially as her partner's future finances will affect her.

PratStick · 30/06/2017 09:43

Zampa did you respond on his behalf?

PratStick · 30/06/2017 09:44

I don't be disappointed in a man who couldn't even handle his own fucking divorce and needed me to draft an email to his wife(yes, wife)

abbsisspartacus · 30/06/2017 09:46

Wait till the divorce is final he has remarried had two kids and about to be divorced again if she is still at it then your in trouble (I'm the soon to be ex wife number two)

Sallystyle · 30/06/2017 10:08

Good luck in this new relationship OP. Sounds like you need it.

I have little doubt that she knows it is you who is responding to her emails. I would be able to tell straight away if my husband emailed me or got someone to do it on his behalf because I know the way he types and 'sounds'.

She is his wife and she can be factual in her emails if she likes. The fact that this bugs you so much and the fact that you're pretending to be him and emailing her makes me think you have a long hard road ahead of you. They have children together so you are always going to have to deal with her.

MistressDeeCee · 30/06/2017 12:08

I have a life and it couldn't ever involve sitting there busting my brain composing correspondence to his ex + typing and sending too. I just can't believe you do that, or that your man continues to allow you to knowing its distressing you and making you resentful. I mean he must pick up on it, surely? You're together. Not saying Id never look at the correspondence sometimes - Im nosey at times, and no saint. No more than that tho as actually being so invested = it being a conversation topic at dinner table/in life etc. No thank you to that

I don't know what would be worse, actually. That he does notice and doesn't care. Or he doesn't even notice at all

They're going to be joint parents to their children way down the years...the birthdays, (possibly) education decisions, the aunts/uncles/cousins etc family occasions, weddings/mother & father of the bride/groom, birth of grandchildren years, and beyond. So she will be around your life in some way here and there

In your shoes Id tell him I prefer he handles his own correspondence from now on, as the subject matter is sensitive and makes you uncomfortable. If you don't feel fine to say that then you've more to bother yourself about than her wife title. Try out of sight out of mind

ComputerUserNotTrained · 30/06/2017 12:39

Allthebest

TheLegendOfBeans · 30/06/2017 12:50

As a PP says, the fact he's letting you PA the shit out of his divorce proceedings rings massive alarm bells.

OP you are too involved. How would you feel if god forbid you and he split and his new bird was issuing instructions to you around a divorce?

That's contemptuous.

jojo2916 · 30/06/2017 12:52

She's being silly but it's sad after that long split up she refers to herself as this, husband and wives share their lives they are only married from a legal point of view. They are not coparenting for life as pp said, now my dp children are older we have nothing to do with his ex dw although none of us have any problem with each other as far as I know just no need to be in contact as long as all children involved have easy accessible contact to both parents mobile phone credit etc if they are not old enough to sort this themselves. When the kids are older she'll have to accept there is no need for her in your lives sounds like she may struggle with this, I would feel a bit sorry for her but it's not your problem.

PinkCosmo · 30/06/2017 12:53

Wife & Husband is not the same as being in a relationship though! It can be jsut a legal thing.

I'm in Ireland where a divorce takes about five years or something, and twice I'd dated men with a wife. One was early in the process and still thought of her as a wife even though she was well established in a relationship with somebody else when I met him. Yswim?

Zampa · 30/06/2017 13:12

Pratstick I don't respond directly and my drafts/ideas are always amended and reworded by OH.

TheLegendOfBeans · 30/06/2017 13:15

To answer the question YABU; she's still his wife.

I referred to my now XH as my husband until the day the decree absolute appeared.

And that was no harmonious divorce

Groupie123 · 30/06/2017 15:38

@Zampa. Honestly, how would you feel in her shoes to know your ex's new partner was replying to the emails you send about your kids in confidence. Sharing finances doesn't mean you should ever stick your oar in with his kids. I say this as a stepmum.

Original poster

StepMum2Be · 30/06/2017 20:09

Some of these responses are hilarious! I'm not pretending to be him?? He has the choice to send what I draft, he changes it to sound more how he wants it to sound. I have every right to "interfere", the financial situation affects me completely and the life we have ahead of us. They will co-parent their entire lives but as soon as the children are adults and don't need either parent's permission our dealings with her will be virtually non existent. She is not entitled to a place in her ex husband's life forever just because they had children together.

OP posts:

StickThatInYourPipe · 30/06/2017 20:24

You sound delightful OP

Original poster

StepMum2Be · 30/06/2017 20:25

Why is that? I want to live a life without another woman feeling she's part of it?

OP posts:

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