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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That she still refers to herself as wife ?

166 replies

StepMum2Be · 29/06/2017 08:50

My partner is in the late stages of his divorce and it finally feels like the financial order may be making progress (fingers crossed). He's been separated 3.5 years and with me for 2.5 of them. His ex insists on calling herself his wife and referring to him as husband. I understand that legally this is still the case but AIBU to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:
YoshimiBTPR · 29/06/2017 10:28

Posters reading meaning into this such as she's still clinging on or sad etc could be completely wrong.

I'm at the same stage divorce wise and all correspondence, eg, emails with solicitor, talks about stbxh as my husband and so therefore I do too.

It reflects the legal status which has meaning in the context. And it's simplest.

Hope you get resolution soon. It's a tricky stage to negotiate.

Bluntness100 · 29/06/2017 10:31

Meh, he's married, she's his wife, you're not, being annoyed and wanting her to pretend otherwise before the divorce is finalised smacks of petty and pointless jealousy on your part.

It is what it is, if it's being going on this long, either it's not amicable and they are arguing over money or it's too amicable and they are both dragging it out and don't really want to take that final step. Is the latter what's maybe worrying you? That they aren't closing this down and she still calls herself his wife?

NotJanine · 29/06/2017 10:34

I would gladly refer to STBXH as my ex-husband, but sadly he isn't that yet so he is my husband and I am his wife.It is only mentioned with regards to the divorce though, which seems to be the same in your situation. So I think YABU

Umbrellifera · 29/06/2017 10:34

Yes, it annoys you, but it's just normal usage. Relax, do, it'll wear off in time. Smile

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 29/06/2017 10:37

His ex insists on calling herself his wife and referring to him as husband

She's his wife, he's her husband. You are the girlfriend. Why are you so threatened?

Original poster
StepMum2Be · 29/06/2017 10:45

Thanks to all those who replied it's interesting to hear different points of view. I've read them all and have learnt something new about how sols have to refer to clients regardless of their wishes. As for the step situation, yes that's a whole different set of challenges I'm very familiar with. I love my partner very much just in case I get flamed for suggesting for a moment that I'm not a natural step mum and find it very hard dealing with his "wife" and their former life.

OP posts:
wendz86 · 29/06/2017 10:46

I find it a bit odd and I am currently going through divorce. I call him my ex husband.

nina2b · 29/06/2017 10:54

I don't see the problem. She is his wife and he is her husband.

bumblebee61 · 29/06/2017 10:58

She is his wife.

SerfTerf · 29/06/2017 11:02

Are you planning to marry?

If so, presumably you'll go for a legal marriage that can only be legally dissolved (not a hand fasting ceremony or a Balinese religious affair a la Jerry Hall and Jagger)?

It gives everyone, including the DC, legal protection and part of that is that it ant be j done merely by separating or having an argument. I think you are making the mistake of confusing legal aspects with romantic ones.

RhubardGin · 29/06/2017 11:04

It wouldn't bother me.

They are getting divorced and he's with you now.

It's just symantics.

GabsAlot · 29/06/2017 11:07

whats she supposd to say my nearly ex husband?

nina2b · 29/06/2017 11:09

My soon to be ex-husband? Bit of a mouthful, no?

Viviennemary · 29/06/2017 11:12

She is his wife though and he is her husband until they are divorced. If this bothers you that much you should have waited until he was free before teaming up with a married man. You can't have it all ways.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/06/2017 11:27

I've been separated for 10 years. I still call my STBXH my husband. Largely as a joke in fairness. I say to my DP "Oh, my husband is here, youd better hide in the wardrobe!" when he comes to pick the kids up. We get on very well. I'm still his wife and will be till the divorce comes through in a few weeks.

Allthebestnamesareused · 29/06/2017 12:09

well - here is one to chew over. My husband's ex-wife always went by Miss MaidenName whilst she was married to him. As soon as they divorced she started calling herself Mrs Ex-Husband'sSurname!

Well weird - so there are two us Mrs ExH'sSurname!

Changedtocovermyass · 29/06/2017 12:15

Why are you reading emails between them. This strikes me as VU. Does she know you read them? Does he?

Original poster
StepMum2Be · 29/06/2017 21:03

He shows me the emails, I often reply to them as him!! No she doesn't know, yes he does!

OP posts:
AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 29/06/2017 21:07

That is completely inappropriate and totally disrespectful of you.

PratStick · 29/06/2017 21:10

Yeah that's actually quite shitty of you and your dh. Why can't he read his and answer his own emails op? You'll be doing all his xmas shopping and cards anytime now Wink bet his actual wife can't wait to give up the title.

caffeinestream · 29/06/2017 21:13

You shouldn't be replying to her e-mails pretending to be him!

midnightmisssuki · 29/06/2017 21:18

You are pretending to be him in emails? That's pretty awful of your partner to let that happen - I get that she's the soon to be ex but it's a form of manipulation - don't you think? She's thinking the correspondence is between her and him - who very rude of you! So what - you and him sit there laughing at her not knowing it's you replying to her emails?! Terrible.

YABU re the wife comment - she is technically still his wife - you are not. Why be jealous - you're with him, not her. Bizarre. Confused

Potplant · 29/06/2017 21:19

I call mine 'husband' if I'm talking about him to people who don't know him and fuckface to people who do

midnightmisssuki · 29/06/2017 21:20

Please stop pretending to be him - and get your partner to man up and reply to his wife himself! Just shocking.

SerfTerf · 29/06/2017 21:24

This turned weird fast.