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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That she still refers to herself as wife ?

166 replies

StepMum2Be · 29/06/2017 08:50

My partner is in the late stages of his divorce and it finally feels like the financial order may be making progress (fingers crossed). He's been separated 3.5 years and with me for 2.5 of them. His ex insists on calling herself his wife and referring to him as husband. I understand that legally this is still the case but AIBU to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:
StickThatInYourPipe · 30/06/2017 20:28

So not allowed female friends etc? They will always share their children and will probably hold some love for each other for ever because of that.

What about the children's weddings and celebrations etc when they are adults? Will he not be allowed to talk to her? Have a picture with him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/06/2017 20:29

And she is entitled by the same token to communicate with the father of her children without another woman sticking her nose in.

You don't think it's in any way odd to draft replies from him to her? Not even slightly?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 30/06/2017 20:35

Oh dear, rather than sounding like you don't care with your hilarity at some of the replys you actually sound quite jealous & bitter.
They have children together so yes, she will be in his life forever-you have to either suck this up or fuck off quite frankly.

TheLegendOfBeans · 30/06/2017 20:40

He has the choice to send what I draft

[misses point entirely]

Confused
AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 30/06/2017 20:42

Why is that? I want to live a life without another woman feeling she's part of it?

She is part of it. If you didn't want another woman near your man you shouldn't have picked one with children. You've done your best to wrestle him away but you can't break the link.

PratStick · 30/06/2017 20:47

existent. She is not entitled to a place in her ex husband's life forever just because they had children together.
Actually that's exactly how its works.

Lunar1 · 30/06/2017 20:49

So there won't be graduations, birthdays, grandchildren, weddings etc? They will be forever connect by their children.

You sound completely insecure, financial arrangements following their marriage are none of your business. You only get to be involved in his finances after that is concluded.

PratStick · 30/06/2017 20:49

I have every right to "interfere", the financial situation affects me completely and the life we have ahead of us

that reads like 'screw over the love of my life's children'. I hope it doesn't mean that

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 30/06/2017 20:50

What makes you think you'll still be around when their kids are grown up?

StickThatInYourPipe · 30/06/2017 21:05

Fair point Andtakeyourhorsewithyou

Guavaf1sh · 30/06/2017 23:05

I stuck up for you originally but I came back and see that it's all gone a bit strange and you seem to have no empathy with the stbxw at all. Put yourself in her shoes

Postagestamppat · 30/06/2017 23:38

She is not entitled to a place in her ex husband's life forever just because they had children together.

She's the mother of his children. Entitled is the wrong word, like she believes she's got a right, but is actually self-agrandising. She is going to be part of your partner's life forever - it is a simple fact. She will certainly be a part of his kids lives. They are the most important consideration here. It will much better for them if their step-mother understands the role of their mother in their lives. If you don't like it maybe you shouldn't have got involved with a married man (or shouldn't have treated the fact that he was recently separated as irrelevant).

RockyBird · 30/06/2017 23:40

She's his wife. When he marries again she'll graduate to First Wife.

indigox · 01/07/2017 00:19

Why is that? I want to live a life without another woman feeling she's part of it?

If that's the case you need to be with a man who doesn't have kids with another woman. She's going to be in his life a lot longer than you'll be around.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/07/2017 00:30

Oh god op you are not only 100% wrong, you sound like an utter knob to go with it. Seriously. Give. Your. Head. A. Wobble. Because you are seriously delusional about the poor stepbkids that are already around and about any children to may have together. These two people are parents together. For ever . Whether they suits your current sexual set up or not.

Maybe when you're a mother to this knob's kids yourself, it'll dawn on you how wrong your interpretation of current situation is when he's trying to wriggle out of his responsibilities again and you find yourself relegated to GF email fodder

IStoleDipsysHat · 01/07/2017 00:37

You shacked up with a married man with kids. End of story. She will always be in his life no matter how nominally, because they have kids together and she will remain his wife till they divorce. If you have to stoop to petty game playing by pretending to be him in emails then you really aren't mature enough to be a step mother to those kids and put them first. Do him, yourself and the kids a favour and let him be.
You are an insecure child, don't you dare fuck up those kids lives because of your petty jealousies. If he's an arsehole his true colours will show in time but they seriously don't need you sticking your big wooden spoon in and dicking around for shits and giggles.

MistressDeeCee · 01/07/2017 04:17

What are you going to do then OP? Ban him from occasions where wicked witch of the west ex-wifey will be present? So no -

School Meetings
Graduations
DCs weddings
Christenings
& so forth

Only you sound pretty self-assured that once his kids are grown you'll have no dealings with her. YOU may not, thats true - but he will. & its nothing to do with 'entitlement' - just the life of 2 people who share children together. It is what it is. Theyll share grandchildren too by the way

& if you have children then theyll be brother/sister to the children he has with his ex. I split with my DH many years ago, we are amicable now. His 18 year old DD via his current ltr, is upstairs in my home with the 3 I had with him, right now. Theyre siblings and want to spend time together, go out etc. & Im here.

Even if his current wanted to, she couldn't prevent that. So...I am around their children's lives too. They know me well enough and have all spent time here. Thats what family life is, better to get on with it.

Me & kids dad come across each other pretty regularly and the sky doesnt fall in. What are you going to do when you get to this stage?

You will make life difficult for yourself but if thats hilarious enough for you, crack on.'

KarmaNoMore · 01/07/2017 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/07/2017 10:13

My dp's children were already almost adults when we met. I've never felt so honoured as I did the first time one of them referred to me as their stepmum.

Their actual mum might not be my bestie, but she's very much a part of our lives. When things go tits up for one of them, all their parents (actual and honorary) act as a team.

You cannot have a relationship with someone with children (be those children 20 months or 20 years of age) and avoid the fact that there is an ex who will be involved forever.

sleeponeday · 01/07/2017 11:27

I've had three stepmothers, OP. You definitely rank with the worst of them.

She's single, bitter and lonely these days. I would feel sorry for her, but she's rather cornered that market. Always did, to be fair. Like you, she couldn't fathom why other people had to exist and have lives in ways that didn't suit her.

My loveliest stepmother, though... she's got kids from all over now, and all of us love her to bits. Blood or not.

It's a real shame that some people are so busy insisting on what they believe are their rights, that they miss out on their opportunities for happiness. This woman and her kid(s) could be additions to your life, if you only gave it a chance. You're so busy being eaten up with jealousy and territorial anger, you've missed that there are people your partner loves who would also very possibly love you, if you only saw it.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 01/07/2017 11:51

Nicely put sleeponeday. When people start getting petty and territorial it always ends up a big, stinking mess and nobody 'wins'!

WankYouForTheMusic · 01/07/2017 11:56

Virtually no dealings with her once their kids are grown? Hahahahaha. Best of luck with that one OP.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2017 12:02

Well, this one developed nicely Smile

Original poster
StepMum2Be · 01/07/2017 12:22

So because I met my husband to be after he separated from another woman with whom he had children I am to be subjected to abuse and other unpleasantness. Perhaps my reasons for drafting his emails are to help him out after he asked as he struggles with dyslexia?? I'm not a knob, a harlot or a scheming witch - i'm simply a woman who wants a life with a man she's fallen in love with. I accept his children and treat them as I would my own - I just don't really want his soon to be ex-wife to spend anymore time in my life that she is already occupying. To those who commented that once divorced she'll be his first wife, perhaps, but she'll also be an ex by then.

OP posts:
Original poster
StepMum2Be · 01/07/2017 12:30

poster sleeponeday how do you come to your assumptions. From a couple of lines i've written? I'm a vile evil bitch?? Perhaps look at what you've written and see if that's fair?

OP posts: