To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

That is utterly shit OP and yes, you DH is, as a parent and partner in the true sense of the word, a complete waste of space.

If it's any consolation, the nurses and doctors think he's a knob too for not coming now.

Hope you're better soon

I think all this "working hard to provide the best for their family" thing is bollocks, honestly. The workaholics I have known wuld work just as hard if there was no family. The workaholism is all about meeting their needs (and sometimes avoiding their responsibilities as a husband and father).

'Workaholics' can just as easily be women. And you're confusing two things, someone can work long hours and be very dedicated to their job without abdicating parental responsibilities. They're separate issues.

Choosing not to participate in parenting is a choice you make - you're choosing to pass the responsibility to someone else. Lots of parents who are not workaholics also make that choice, just because they can't be arsed or they'd rather spend their time on hobbies, etc.

Hope you're feeling better shortly Kspikes - you're in the right place and the treatment should start to kick in soon.

I do think though the misunderstanding over the lavish lifestyle was in the OP you said your DH was "very senior" which many of us, me included, took to mean on a whacking great salary.

OP sepsis is a critical illness. Your DH needs to be called out of his meeting, right now.

'Please don't. The hospital will get him out of his meeting if you ask them to. Or, if you get worse, they'll contact SS and he can negotiate getting the children back from emergency FC with them '

Yes, also as sparrow said sepsis is a critical illness. I was in HDU for the first 48hrs, so your dc need to be out of there in case you do feel worse.

OP missed the bit that you're trying to cope with two very small children in HOSPITAL - this totally changes things and you need DH there now. That's escalated things from "wife a bit under the weather at home but on the antibiotics" to "wife admitted to hospital with sepsis" - totally different ball game. Get a doctor or nurse to call the office and tell him that you need him immediately.

As families where both parents work, have to take time off for sick children and other emergencies, I have absolutely no sympathy for those with SAHP who always insist it is not possible. It is much easier for them to work than other parents so when they claim they can't take any time off it is infuriating.
This was always a bone of contention when I was a SAHM too. DH is also a workaholic and refused to take time off because is was always critically important that he worked that day. No doubt this was sometimes true but the fact he always said it made me very angry. When I went back to work he was magically able to do his share as he realised there was no choice.

'That's escalated things from "wife a bit under the weather at home but on the antibiotics" to "wife admitted to hospital with sepsis" - totally different ball game.'
Exactly.

Plus unless you're in a side room it isn't fair on the hosp or other patients to have DC there until your dh's'home time.

Yes, I would ask the hospital to contact him. He needs a kick up the arse.

I agree with PPs if you do get worse or they feel it inappropriate for children to be on a ward where you have sepsis and he isnt there they may well have to call SS. This isnt a situation you can manage the kids in (and I would be surprised if the doctors let you)

Get the hospital to call him. Scare him, if necessary.

I would also suggest that they call the main reception / work number NOT his personal number 'Hello, this is x hospital calling for y as his wife is very ill in hospital and he needs to come in to care for his children'

The hospital should ring him and say 'your wife has been admitted, we are medical professionals not childcare and we can't look after your children. Come and collect them immediately'. Or does he expect NHS staff as well as his wife to suck it up because his job is sooo important?

Workaholics are as bad as alcoholics. They are addicted to work and they allow it to dominate their lives and destroy their relationships. But because it brings in money people seem to think it's ok. It's not.

THIS from @TheSparrowhawk.

Sepsis?

What is the hospital saying about the children being there?

We had a situation last month and the nurses - who were bloody fantastic - sent DS to play in paediatrics whilst DH flew home. I was massively embarrassed but didn't have any other choice and when DH was made aware (I wasn't verbal by this point) he really got his shit together.

Little white lie?

I chose my words very carefully lizzyj4. I initially typed "spouse and parent" but then changed it as I don't know a single womanw ho would just abandon their husband and children in a crisis, no matter how senior or dedicated she was, and no matter what hours she normally worked. I've never known a woman totally abdicate her parenting responsibilities for her work. Even dh's boss, who is the sort of boss who answers emails and manages crises at midnight on a Sunday when she's on holiday drops everything if there is an emergency at home. It doesn't make her less competant or a less good CEO. In fact, it was her example that made dh realise that his job would not be on the line if he did likewise - and of course it wasn't.

I don't think I equated someone working long hours and being very dedicated to their job with being a workaholic. If I did, I apologise. I certainly don't believe that.

You should be allowed to keep your baby with you in the hospital. As for your DH, ring his PA or reception now and tell them to catch him as soon as he's out of the meeting to get his sorry arse to the hospital. Your DH sounds like mine only mine, whilst work is a priority, will drop it like a bomb if his family needed. He tends to have back to back meetings - make sure your DH gets the message and once your better, you two need to sit down for a plan of attack should you ever be this ill again. He needs to prioritise his family here and he's patronised you "look in the proper place" and needs sort his shit out.

Hope you're on the mend soon

I do think that there an Alpha Male thing going on here. If a senior woman in DH's company had a crisis he'd be the first to put her in a cab to the hospital, but somehow he equates doing it himself with some sort of masculinity failure.

I can leave you to it, therefore I am not vital, therefore I am somehow worthless.

He's also convinced that I am Wonder Woman, as OP's DH clearly also believes about her!

I do think that there an Alpha Male thing going on here. If a senior woman in DH's company had a crisis he'd be the first to put her in a cab to the hospital, but somehow he equates doing it himself with some sort of masculinity failure.

I can leave you to it, therefore I am not vital, therefore I am somehow worthless.

He's also convinced that I am Wonder Woman, as OP's DH clearly also believes about her. But that's a similar thing;

I have married a woman that can deal with everything, because if I haven't I've somehow married an average woman, which means I am average, which means I am worthless.

The male ego is bloody odd.

"ring his PA or reception now and tell them to catch him as soon as he's out of the meeting"

Nope. Not when his meeting ends. NOW!

I am ASTONISHED that anyone thinks it is OK to leave your wife in A&E with a toddler and a baby to look after when she is the one who is ill and might possibly be admitted to hospital. To leave her in that situation for FOR 5 HOURS before leaving work a measly 30min early. Surely if you can't leave work, you would try to arrange SOMETHING to help her out . Maybe leave for a couple of hours to collect the children and leave them someone else for a few hours while you go back to work, get a temporary nanny etc

I can see how in some limited circumstances it might be impossible to leave work even in those cirumstances (eg medical staff or people working in lfe and death situations) but for the majority of people (including form the sound of it the OP's husband) this is awful behaviour. Workaholism is actually a known addiction. It is an addicition in the sense that it is used as an excuse to aviod dealing with anything outside of work

The fact that the OP's DP is in a senior job with a lot of flexibility makes this even more indefensible. Of course some people (usually in badly paid junior roles) are at the mercy of inflexible leave entitlements etc and might fear losing their job.

For the OP's DP this does not seem to be the case. Why he can't very occasionally take a bit of leave to help out the person he is supposed to love and cherish when she is struggling to cope because of illness is beyond me

'That's escalated things from "wife a bit under the weather at home but on the antibiotics" to "wife admitted to hospital with sepsis" - totally different ball game.'

I don't think anyone will argue with that. I hope you feel better soon OP.

It was never a 'wife a bit under the weather' situation. There is a very ill child and mother both with pyelonephritis. That's not 'under the weather' that's hovering just above hospitalisation. And now the OP has, predictably, ended up in hospital with sepsis. That's not unexpected. Kidney infections are dangerous. I would never leave someone alone with an ill child while they were suffering from a kidney infection.

He could have taken the time off if he wanted to. He didn't want to. That tells you something, OP.

If he has a high-powered (but well paid) job, the thing to do in these situations is to get some paid help. Can you get private nurses to come to your house in the UK?

Oh yes. And this ^^