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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When they're not actually brothers!

263 replies

3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 28/06/2017 22:40

I have three children

DS is 10 and twin DS are 7. My BIL and SIL have a son who is 9. From when he was born they've always been very set that he would be their only child. Fair enough not my business.

Anyway my boys are very close and get on well with each other. twins are identical and very close and older DS is a good big brother to them.

They get on well with their cousin and see him once a week (perhaps every two weeks) at my MIL. He's a lovely boy too and they get on well.

Anyway, last week they were upstairs playing and nephew came downstairs very upset saying my oldest DS had been mean to him. I asked DS to come downstairs to explain what was going on. DS came downstairs and explained that my nephew (his cousin) had said to him that he's just as close to him as the twins and they're brothers too. I think DS was maybe a bit blunt and said that cousins weren't as closely related as siblings. Nephew said that my BIL and SIL had told him they were as close. I quietly said to DS that he shouldn't hurt nephews feelings and that he wants to be as close as my DS is to his twins brothers, it wasn't harming anyone and it's lovely that he feels close to them.

Anyway, that was that I thought. But no, i had a text from my SIL who said she thinks my DS is incredibly mean and rude for telling nephew that he is not as close to them. I don't even know what to reply to her. It's just bonkers! They're not brothers!

I feel like I've been dragged into a strange argument that biology and genetics would set straight! Aibu to just tell her to piss off?

OP posts:
WateryTart · 30/06/2017 06:26

Good grief there are some bat-shit crazy harpies on this thread.

OP, make it clear that you will not go along with the lie and neither will your son. Your in-laws will have to explain why they lied in the first place.

user1491812680 · 30/06/2017 06:30

I agree watery never heard such nonsense! - the child is a cousin not a sibling! - his hurt feelings are best sorted by his parents being honest with him. Batshit madness in trying to force another child to pretend otherwise - I despair at some of the posts on here honestly!

BeeThirtythree · 30/06/2017 06:30

I think there is 'guilt' maybe, on Sil part? She is taking it out on the behaviour of your DS. My niece will often 'pretend' she is our child when we are in town/shopping...my DS is a single parent and the niblings want that family unit, especially when they see other families. We did not notice immediately but when we realised, we had a chat and discussed how she felt...maybe your nephew and DS could do that with you? Just to find out why the comment was made.

Your DS was only stating facts and did not seem mean at all, it did not come across as 'you don't belong with us'.

It is a tricky one, especially with how Sil is responding, you could have a chat with DS and then chat to Sil

StealthPolarBear · 30/06/2017 06:35

The cousin brother stuff isn't even internally consistent.

Some I'm genetically closer to my father's sister's son as he's my cousin-brother.

But he's not genetically closer to me, as a relative on his mother's side?

Bonkers

NamechangeNana · 30/06/2017 06:46

Your DS did nothing wrong, he stated a fact.

Kids should be encouraged to speak up for what they believe in.

I think SIL has gone a bit bonkers out of guilt for her DS not having a sibling.

Perhaps a good opportunity to remind DS how lucky he is to have his twin siblings (even when they annoy him) because not everybody is that lucky.

WelshMoth · 30/06/2017 06:51

"SIL I think our DC were talking at cross purposes. DS said they were cousins, your DS said they were brothers. DS wasn't talking about feelings - of course your son is adored and a very welcome part of our family BUT DS was merely stating a biological fact. They're cousins and not brothers. I cannot ask him to alter reality because that would be confusing for all 4 boys. Please focus on then adored bit though instead of anything else!"

YANBU OP.

MyOtherProfile · 30/06/2017 06:52

As an only child I always wanted a sibling. Best thing my mum did B2eatwas help me understand that other relationships can mean just as much so if someone is a real friend or is a cousin or whatever that can mean as much too, especially when you're older.

On the question of whether we get more from our mum or our dad I just checked with dh who works in genetics. 50% of the DNA is from each parent in each genome although men get slightly more from their mum than their dad because the y chromosome is slightly smaller than the x. And we all inherit some mitochondrial DNA from our mums. wanders off topic

Dragonflycushion · 30/06/2017 06:57

Your sil needs to explain why she felt the need to lie to her DS about basic biological facts but I expect that conversation would be too uncomfortable for her.

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/06/2017 08:10

op, is your SIL from a culture that adheres to the 'cousin-brother' thinking described upthread? You'd probably have mentioned it by now tbf, so I assume not Blush I do think she's being a bit U, but sort of understandably so - she may be feeling subconsciously guilty about her DS being an only child. In any case, I think you've been as kind as possible without outright lying to the boy.

StealthPolarBear · 30/06/2017 08:11

Can someone explain how your dad's sisters children are closer to you than you ae to them?

Lweji · 30/06/2017 08:35

Can someone explain how your dad's sisters children are closer to you than you ae to them?

What do you mean?
I don't think anyone said that.

StealthPolarBear · 30/06/2017 08:40

Unless I misunderstood the very first mention of this said you can't marry your cousins on your dad's side (as they're proper cousins) but you can marry your cousins on your mums side as they're not as closely related. Let assume for the sake of argument this is true.
I am therefore less related to my mums brothers son and can marry him. He's not a true cousin.
But from his perspective I am his dads sisters daughter. Closely related and un marriable.

But we are the same two people

belmontian · 30/06/2017 08:44

I'm betting your DN has said to his parents that he wishes he has a brother or sister and they've said that his cousins are just as close as brothers to him.

I was thinking this. A friend of mine has one ds (not by choice, fertility issues) who is 10 and he has really wanted a sibling for as long as I can remember. This I believe has caused my DF a lot of pain and heartache understandably, but it has affected her more than she realizes and her behaviour towards sibling issues are very disproportionate. Eg. when we meet up only one of my dc is allowed to be present, otherwise it isn't fair on her ds as he doesn't have a sibling. She thinks me bringing all of my dc along to family events, fun days is very unfair to her ds, the same with our other friends. The guilt that she seems to have makes her think that her reaction/way of thinking is very rational and we are the ones who are clearly i n the wrong.

Lweji · 30/06/2017 09:06

@StealthPolarBear
Ah! I see what you mean. Yes, it wouldn't make sense. :)

But we've already explained to that pp why it's not true.

StealthPolarBear · 30/06/2017 09:09

Thank you.
This, along with another thread where someone said the opposite of what they meant and called me a pedant for querying it, plus local news telling us we're ruled by Donald trump has just made me so frustrated. Are people no longer capable of logic and reason?

PacificDogwod · 30/06/2017 09:14

Are people no longer capable of logic and reason?

Apparently not.

Brew
StealthPolarBear · 30/06/2017 09:57

Thank you :)

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 30/06/2017 10:30

Oh jeez Stealth my brain hurts! Confused

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 30/06/2017 10:34

OP your SIL is batshit. Your DS handled it brilliantly. Star

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 30/06/2017 13:32

Are you sure that nephew said brothers?

DT2 (9) thought he would be an auntie if his brother had a girl and an uncle if it was a boy. (just to clarify we don't use auntie and uncle, so they are not totally daft)

Are you sure your older son just didn't correct the terminology?

(daft that nephew's parents thin he's being mean. They didn't witness what was said I assume?)

hellomoon · 30/06/2017 13:40

Dear god. This thread is nuts.

They are cousins. Lovely that they have a close relationship BUT THEY ARE STILL COUSINS. The OP has explained to her DS the importance of empathy BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN SHE HAS TO PRETEND THAT HER NEPHEW IS HER SON!!!!

What in all that is holy, is so difficult to understand about that?!

hellomoon · 30/06/2017 13:41

Are people no longer capable of logic and reason?

if you read mumsnet, then the answer is clearly 'no'

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 30/06/2017 13:47

Eg. when we meet up only one of my dc is allowed to be present, otherwise it isn't fair on her ds as he doesn't have a sibling. She thinks me bringing all of my dc along to family events, fun days is very unfair to her ds, the same with our other friends

I really hope you don't indulge this madness and leave some of your children behind?

belmontian · 30/06/2017 13:57

And we initially did Blush DF had a really rough time with m/c's pre her ds and he is very indulged as a result. She is heartbroken that he does not have the sibling he longs for our friendship group felt really bad for them.

Amymarie19382 · 30/06/2017 14:06

Ok her 'don't let it happen again' would really piss me off! How is she going to react if someone upsets him at school, which im sure will happen at some point. Tell her to get a grip! X