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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When they're not actually brothers!

263 replies

3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 28/06/2017 22:40

I have three children

DS is 10 and twin DS are 7. My BIL and SIL have a son who is 9. From when he was born they've always been very set that he would be their only child. Fair enough not my business.

Anyway my boys are very close and get on well with each other. twins are identical and very close and older DS is a good big brother to them.

They get on well with their cousin and see him once a week (perhaps every two weeks) at my MIL. He's a lovely boy too and they get on well.

Anyway, last week they were upstairs playing and nephew came downstairs very upset saying my oldest DS had been mean to him. I asked DS to come downstairs to explain what was going on. DS came downstairs and explained that my nephew (his cousin) had said to him that he's just as close to him as the twins and they're brothers too. I think DS was maybe a bit blunt and said that cousins weren't as closely related as siblings. Nephew said that my BIL and SIL had told him they were as close. I quietly said to DS that he shouldn't hurt nephews feelings and that he wants to be as close as my DS is to his twins brothers, it wasn't harming anyone and it's lovely that he feels close to them.

Anyway, that was that I thought. But no, i had a text from my SIL who said she thinks my DS is incredibly mean and rude for telling nephew that he is not as close to them. I don't even know what to reply to her. It's just bonkers! They're not brothers!

I feel like I've been dragged into a strange argument that biology and genetics would set straight! Aibu to just tell her to piss off?

OP posts:
Charleymouse · 29/06/2017 22:05

Lweji

"Did you miss my post about mitochondrial DNA, or are you choosing to ignore it?"

sorry not ignoing, cross posted then had to collect kids. just logged back in also using dodgy keypad at mo so excuse typos.

I see how children are more closely related to mother as you highlight, is it also the case that when you have kids they leave a trace of their DNA with you as a mother or is that another load of nonesense I have been fed.

i rushed my post ealier and might also be misinformed as I am in no way a scientist.

I had read and seen on a TV programme that the paternal line is more accurately traceable due to the passing down of the Y chromosone I can also see what you mean about the fact that the paternal line is not always accurate due to other potential fathers.

what I was badly saying earlier was that I thought my son is more my DH paternal line than my paternal line. is this a load of bunkem?

I'm afraid I do not know/understand enough about this to comment with any authority and am just interested.

Just to inform anyone that may not know that twins that are born with separate amniotic sacs and placentas can still be identical. I had mine DNA tested after birth and they are statistically identical.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/06/2017 22:08

People are bizarrely het up about this. Two children, given that 10 year olds are not generally considered significantly different to 9 year olds, has a disagreement and one ended up being upset. How is that unsual?

The SIL's reaction however is unusual and quite frankly, a bit weird.

Original poster
3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 29/06/2017 22:12

groupie

I agree that no one wants to upset a nine year old but my own son isn't interested in pretending they're brother?

OP posts:
diplodocus · 29/06/2017 22:13

God, if they really were brothers the DN would have to develop a much thicker skin - sibling relationships are brutal and maybe that's something SiL should think about?

JumpingJellybeanz · 29/06/2017 22:16

"well don't let DS upset him like that again"

Reply: DS didn't upset him. Whoever told him incorrectly that DS is his brother upset him. Unless it isn't incorrect. Is there something you need to tell me?

londonista · 29/06/2017 22:27

I think maybe your SIL is being a bit uptight but my personal experience is that I had sibling type relationships with many of my cousins and I encourage that with my sons.

My husband and his brother are extremely close and so my sons see their cousins all the time. They all look similar as well which helps. I treat them like my daughters and they get treated like sons by their uncle. It works for us, we all feel the benefits and responsibilities that go along with being close family, and I like that, I believe it is making my boys more considerate on the whole.

Anyway, It works for us, all 4 parents are on the same page. If it's not going to work for you, I'd agree to draw a boundary. But be sensitive, sibling relationships are wonderful and a blessing not all get to enjoy.

Good luck

londonista · 29/06/2017 22:30

BTW I meant be sensitive to the 9 year old. It's not his fault he has no siblings!

Urubu · 29/06/2017 22:34

What was the harm in telling them yes you guys are all brothers and leaving it at that?
Are you seriously what the harm was in telling an obvious lie to the DC, confusing the 10yo and basically telling him he was lying before when he said they are not brothers? Really? Hmm

Madwoman5 · 29/06/2017 22:39

Why can't they be brothers from another mother? This means they are close but not blood brothers. Ignore sil and move on.

mikeyssister · 29/06/2017 22:39

@Groupie123
Breaking a 9 yo's heart just seems pointlessly cruel.

Bit of an overreaction there!!

I really don't think the 10 year old really intended to do that anyway.

midnightmisssuki · 29/06/2017 22:39

Your sil is being ridiculous. Not your problem she doesn't want another child, and your kids and her son are not siblings!

She is being very silly and I would definitely tell my son by to play along - why confuse him?!

Didiusfalco · 29/06/2017 22:42

I'd want to knock on the head the idea that your son was mean. He was just honest. For this reason I would be telling sil to fuck off.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 29/06/2017 22:46

What was the harm in telling them yes you guys are all brothers and leaving it at that?

Because its NOT TRUE. You might as well tell them they are all pixies and leave it at that.

Redsippycup · 29/06/2017 23:06

What was the harm in telling them yes you guys are all brothers and leaving it at that?

Because the OPs kids know they aren't. So OP would have to say she had lied whenever it was that she said they were cousins. Which is ridiculous.

And the harm is that DS and DTSs will be hurt and confused that they are being told they are wrong when they know they are right and one day DN will find out they aren't brothers, and will be hurt all over again.

Which is why SIL shouldn't be telling her son odd things about relatives without their agreement.

Lweji · 30/06/2017 03:30

@Charliemouse

is it also the case that when you have kids they leave a trace of their DNA with you as a mother or is that another load of nonesense I have been fed.

Do you mean that some fetal cells circulate in the mother's body?
It seems so.
But I'm not aware of a genetic imprint as such.

I now see what you mean about the Y chromosome lineage, which is why a little knowledge can be dangerous. :)

The Y chromosome is only passed from father to son, so it can easily be used to determine who was the father of a particular male, or the male close relatives via a male lineage. But it says nothing about the daughters or male relatives via any maternal lineage.
It's a matter of information about relationships, not who's more related to whom.

It is also used in human evolution studies, tracing down the male lineage. As is mitochondrial DNA to trace the maternal lineage. This is because, unlike non-sex (autosomal) chromosomes, this DNA doesn't mix with any other.

The DNA that we pass to our children is a cut and paste mix of our parents"s DNA. This cut and paste process (called crossing over) happens when sex cells are produced (during meiosis, which generates cells with half of the original DNA content). It means that it's difficult to study its evolution.

Does it clarify it a bit?

Squishedstrawberry4 · 30/06/2017 04:17

Surely telling the cousin he is a brother would be leading him up the garden path and blatantly dishonest. HOw misleading and crushing it must be to hit the teenage years thinking you have three brothers when infact you've got three cousins. And your parents have unashamedly lied.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 30/06/2017 05:08

rhubarb why the anger from you?

Im not angry. But if it helps you to believe that then please go ahead.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 30/06/2017 05:10

@Rhubarbginisnotasin you're the one being ridiculous. What on earth has OP said to warrant such a tirade? You're another one who is plainly projecting

And you are nothing but a shit stirrer.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 30/06/2017 05:13

I was agreeing with you...

Yes, I know, and I Im sorry you thought my reply meant otherwise.

FrancisCrawford · 30/06/2017 05:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shiraznowplease · 30/06/2017 05:42

I am with the op. My dc are incredibly close to their cousins. They see them everyday, go to the same school, share after school activities And several friends. Ds and dn are in the same school year. I have a boy and a girl and when dd was younger she used to like saying her cousin was her sister. We always corrected her and just said dn2 was like a best friend who she was related to. The children were all fine with this.I think your sil is being mental. Siblings will be closer as they have shared experiences that your dn won't have living in a different house. Your sil sounds like she is the type of person who will always have issues with something

user1491812680 · 30/06/2017 05:50

rhubarb you are clearly projecting. Wise up and take your anger elsewhere - you are coming across as nasty

NellieBuff · 30/06/2017 05:50

OP: Ignore the obvious loons on this thread It sounds as if you have normal and lovely boys. Your DS was not wrong in telling his cousin that they are not brothers and are cousins, Tis a fact. And your DS actually sounds like a lovely child (can I swap Smile)

Your SIL is also a loon but I would ignore her texts in future (you can't reason with stupid). I would also emphasise to your son that he has done nothing wrong. If your SIL and BIL chose not to have other children that is their issue and not yours.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 30/06/2017 06:01

I wonder whether SIL is the sort of person who believes in matching children but couldn't face having a second one then you conveniently had twins. A number of people never those who actually had three children under five would ask if we would have a fourth to 'even things up' so there 'wasn't an odd one out' etc. They clearly had no concept of how much work throwing a fourth into an already hectic house would be.

They also didn't really get family dynamics. I realise having twins might be a bit different but in our house it's not as if we have one child left out to be matched to any passing cousin. Dc1 and dc3 have a big sibling/little sibling relationship with dc1 taking the lead. Dc2 and dc3 have more of a peer relationship and although dc2 tends to take the lead they play more as peers than dc1 has with either of them. Dc1 and dc2 outwardly are very different and would at first sight seem openly hostile. Dc1 is annoyed that dc2 doesn't acknowledge that they are 'older and wiser about issues', dc2 sees no reason to agree with dc1 just because they are older, yet at the same time wishes to follow in their footsteps (yet be slightly better). They do one activity - just the two of them and there they are inseparable (mutually agreed) best buddies and everyone comments on how close they are. As a three though, say on holiday or a rainy day they can work remarkably well together.

If a cousin were thrown into the mix it might appear to the outsider to 'even things up' - dc1 might play with cousin and dc2&3 go off together, or dc2 might pair up with cousin and dc1&3 have their more parent/child dynamic, or dc3 might go off and dc1&2 have a rare close moment. My children might appear 'fixed' and 'even' yet that would be denying the lovely times the three have together and the need that dc2 and dc3 both have for alone time which dc1 doesn't have as much. Four dc might just result in whichever one is left out feeling even more left out and in the one feeling like they need space feeling more hemmed in.

They might have convinced themselves that your family 'needed to be evened out' because your ds1 might play more with his cousin than the DT do. They might not understand that your family dynamics don't work like that and ds1 doesn't sit around waiting all week for dcousin to turn up. They may have convinced themselves that dcousin 'solves' something that they see lacking in your family just as they see the lack of a sibling as an issue in their family. Family dynamics are so much more complex than that. I imagine that with twins although to an outsider it is 2:1, when they live together all the time the dynamics are very different.

KimmySchmidt1 · 30/06/2017 06:14

I would just reply 'I'm not going to apologise for a small child answering honestly how he feels. He did not realise you had been telling your son otherwise, and I've told him not to say it again as it might upset your only child. Do you really want this to become a bigger issue that makes them less close than they are now? Does that sound like your preferred outcome? '