When they're not actually brothers!

[3isthemagicnumbersoimtold]

I have three children

DS is 10 and twin DS are 7. My BIL and SIL have a son who is 9. From when he was born they've always been very set that he would be their only child. Fair enough not my business.

Anyway my boys are very close and get on well with each other. twins are identical and very close and older DS is a good big brother to them.

They get on well with their cousin and see him once a week (perhaps every two weeks) at my MIL. He's a lovely boy too and they get on well.

Anyway, last week they were upstairs playing and nephew came downstairs very upset saying my oldest DS had been mean to him. I asked DS to come downstairs to explain what was going on. DS came downstairs and explained that my nephew (his cousin) had said to him that he's just as close to him as the twins and they're brothers too. I think DS was maybe a bit blunt and said that cousins weren't as closely related as siblings. Nephew said that my BIL and SIL had told him they were as close. I quietly said to DS that he shouldn't hurt nephews feelings and that he wants to be as close as my DS is to his twins brothers, it wasn't harming anyone and it's lovely that he feels close to them.

Anyway, that was that I thought. But no, i had a text from my SIL who said she thinks my DS is incredibly mean and rude for telling nephew that he is not as close to them. I don't even know what to reply to her. It's just bonkers! They're not brothers!

I feel like I've been dragged into a strange argument that biology and genetics would set straight! Aibu to just tell her to piss off?

Clutching at straws, but is there maybe a cultural gap here? In some cultures cousins (particularly father's brother's children cousins) are deemed as close as children, and the uncle / nephew relationship is very important.

Blemont I can only have 1 due to recurrent MC and am aghast at that even so.
Pandering to the issues isn't cool imo - it would be like people encouraging my anxiety and letting me never take DD on public transport. Understanding why shouldn't mean condoning, for the persons own sake (as well as everyone else's!).

Looks like zDN probably got attention when he returned home "upset" . I would keep an eye on him next time to ensure he doesn't manufacture a grievance to take home to SIL. S'il' statement "don't let DS1 do it again" is worrying because it appears she will hold him responsible for any situation that may upset DN. In fact Sil's reaction could very well be the catalyst that has the potential to ruin the close relationship the boys have.

Text SIL and tell her you've decided you are her Mum and as such she owes you some respect.

Kurri
OP I've changed my mind, please do this!

You can't argue with true facts... Ds should not feel he can't tell the truth although he can deliver it with kindness - which is exactly what you are teaching him op.

How completely bizarre. Your SIL is a fruit cake to take such offence to this, she's clearly dependent on this sibling pretense because her son wants a sibling. That's on her and her husband, not you or your children. I absolutely do not think you or your children are responsible for protecting DN from the truth. I have family friends I grew up with and love dearly, like family. We say we are sisters in a loving way. I think SIL is projecting an adult concept on a child.

sounds like your SIL has killed this relationship for her son. That's a real shame for him.

Cousins can be as close as siblings though, in fact, I'm closer to my cousin than my sibling.

That doesn't actually make them siblings though, which is the point.

No Op you are not being U. Why I'm earth should the Op lie to her son?!? And why on earth should her child be made to lie?
Children will tell it like it is regardless of what adults think.

They chose not to give him a brother or sister and I can't stop DS from stating the truth!

Text her exactly that and then say that the discussion is closed and although it's unfortunate that her DS didn't like the truth, your son is a bright boy and did nothing wrong.

I feel bad for her LO, but she's being ridiculous. Your DS didn't say anything that wasn't true. Family is family, but they live in the same house and are a part of the same family unit, of course they're going to be closer. Saying anything else is delusional. Let her be pissed, she'll get over it.

Not really any help to the OP but I HATED my sister growing up but was really close to my cousins. She was horrible to me and I don't ever remember a time that we got on with each other even as children, whereas I was super close to my cousins. To be honest it is one of the reasons we have decided to stop at one child.

Totally bonkers. She sounds like my SIL. Be prepared this probably won't be the last time.

I haven't rtft, but I would be curious about the cultural background. I'm from an Indian background and we consider it very rude to call a first cousin a cousin. We call them brothers and sisters and treat them as brothers and sisters. Traditionally they'd have all lived together as one big family and there would be no distinction. One mother would treat all kids the same, in rotation.

I'd be tempted to text back the SIL my bank details to have the Child Benefit transferred over for the extra brother gained

OP: we all know you talked with your DS about inadvertently hurting your DN's feelings but have you actually told your SiL this? Sounds like she looking for affirmation that you have had a chat.

Btw, I really like the suggestion up thread about explaining the cross-purposes and focusing on the adored part.

If i were being cruel, I might say to SIL that it's a good job your nephew is an only child. If she gets so worked up with him being upset about a minor disagreement with his cousins, how would she cope day to day with sibling bickering and rivalry.
She's jealous of your family dynamics and maybe her own life choices. But she'll never admit it.

I think I would respond.

"I'm sorry your ds was upset by the conversation. My ds has relayed the conversation and he said nothing inappropriate. It is sad your ds is upset he has no siblings. I have spoken to ds about being sensitive to his cousins feelings. However, he is a young child and cannot be expected to empathise in the same way as an adult."

Stupid woman.

If it was a movie it would transpire bil and sil had fertility issues and were helped out by dh (hence the only child) but op never knew about the pact between them until...

I read the first page and couldn't read all the other 10. Can I offer some advice if I may?

I wouldn't text back. I'd phone her. And say- clearly you are upset about this- however I also have my own thoughts that I'd like to share.

After all this isn't all about her son - it's also about yours - and he is also entitled to his feelings too. Perhaps he didn't understand the impact they would have - boys at that age won't necessarily have the social sophisticated to know the possible pitfalls of stating the facts. Of course he needs to learn. But he doesn't deserve vilification and nor do you. Texts also are a bad way to communicate. Do it face to face.